The ex is dating someone.

And he went to a birthday party for one of the new girlfriend’s sons with his dad, tonight.

Kinda threw me for a loop.

Basically, because the ex was always so anti-social, and almost rabidly, anti-teenager.  I wasn’t sure that he’d date again, much less someone with 2 teenagers, and a pre-teen, all boys.

My first reaction, understandably, was a sort of numb shock. 

Of course, I had a million questions, none of which I felt comfortable asking OnlySon.  I don’t want to put him in the middle between his father and I, and I don’t want him to feel like some sort of “spy” for one side or the other. 

And of course, I had to ask at least a couple of questions.  I found out that his dad has only been seeing her for a “couple of days”, according to OS.  She has 3 boys, ages 15, 13 and 12, and she was nice to OS.

Good enough. 

Then I had a talk with EldestDaughter.  We went out tonight to pick up some baby shower invitations for her big day a couple of weeks from now, and we both had to hash out how we felt about this.  ED and the ex had a rocky relationship, especially towards the end before she moved out. 

And me?  Well, I told her that I wished him well, and wished the new girlfriend good luck.  I think she’s going to need it. 

On the way home, ED told me something, that she “didn’t want the other person to be happy after a breakup”.  She wanted them to hurt, like she did. 

Understandable.  I totally get it.  I’ve had those feelings in the past, too, but I came to some realizations tonight after talking to A, and having him ask me how I felt about the ex dating.

“Are you hurt?  Jealous, angry, upset?”

Nope.  Mostly what I feel is relief.

I know, that might sound strange.  Most breakups are painful, my divorce was painful in many ways.  Not because I wanted him back, I hadn’t really had him for a long time, as I told a friend.  The marriage had died long before we formally ended it in court.

I felt relief, because this meant that I didn’t have to worry about the ex’s feelings for me anymore.  I didn’t have to worry that he might be “stalking” me, like my first ex-husband did for a while after our divorce, until I threatened him with calling the police on him in his own hometown… with the proof of his actions clearly dug into my front lawn, and my landlord aware that it had been him doing it. 

But then, after I got off the phone with A, I started thinking again. 

Do I really wish the ex well?  Do I really want him to be happy? 

Nope.

Not really. 

See, here’s the thing – I don’t want him to be happy, but I don’t want him to be unhappy, either.

I just don’t care about his feelings at all.

Because the opposite of love isn’t hate.

It’s indifference.

The same indifference I lived through while we were still legally married.

I don’t feel anything toward him… nothing at all.

And so I can close that chapter.  Finally.

And that’s a huge relief.

This weekend, I was invited to meet A’s 2 children.  “A” is the man I’ve been seeing for about the last 6 months.  He’s met my kids, almost right from the start, but then my kids are older, teenagers and young adults, and it’s a little different then.  A’s kids are younger than OnlySon, and so I understood the wait. 

Not only that, but A’s kids live with their mom, almost 2 hours away, so he doesn’t get to see them as often as he’d like.  I know how badly I miss my own when they’re gone, even though they live with me, primarily, so I don’t want to intrude on time that should be special for him and them.

This weekend, however, he called and asked if I wanted to come over and meet them.  And yes, I was nervous.

(And yes, A, I know you’re reading this and laughing!)

I was nervous that they wouldn’t like me, I know it’s hard for kids to accept someone else in their parent’s life, sharing time and affection.  YoungerDaughter and OnlySon had their individual issues when I started dating again after the divorce, and, for the most part, we’ve worked through them.  I know there will probably be more in the future, it’s the nature of dating when you have kids.  Jealousies pop up in the strangest ways, sometimes, but as long as the kids know that I’m still there for them, and love them (well, DUH), then any little issues can be resolved with minor fuss.

So, when I went over to A’s house, I was nervous.  I felt a little like I’d been handed a Faberge’ egg, and asked not to drop it, while walking on marbles…

Well, of course, once I got there, I relaxed.  A’s kids are a lot like him, and that’s just fine with me.  I laughed quite a lot with his daughter, and his son was a quieter, peeking presence, keeping just enough distance to maintain his shyness. 

We watched Bee Movie. 

His daughter, “E”, and I bonded over fart jokes and talking about some of the weird things boys do.  I told her that her brother wasn’t so different from OnlySon, even though there’s 6 years’ difference between the 2 of them.  (OnlySon is 13, and A’s son is 7). 

And later, E told me she liked me… mainly because she thought I was funny and had soft hair… but hey!  It’s a start! 

It means a lot to me that I was trusted with the two people he holds most precious.  I’ll do my best not to break it.

I’ve been watching people lately.  How they behave, how they treat others.  And something I’ve noticed, is that sometimes, the people who claim the loudest to be “a grown-up”… are the most childish in how they treat people.

Real grown-ups don’t have to tell people that they’re adults.  Their actions speak for them.

Take for instance, my daughter’s future mother-in-law.  She proclaims loudly and often how grown up she is, and how she feels that EldestDaughter and her fiance are not.

And yet, she berates them both, with cruelty, about how they’re irresponsible, lazy, etc., ad nauseum. She screams when she doesn’t get them to do things her way. And still, she thinks that as long as she smiles and tosses them a polite word later, all will be forgiven and forgotten.

Another instance, when a parent neglects the needs of their children, even to not checking weather & road conditions, when their other parent, her ex, is trying to get them home safely.

Still another example, when supposed “adults” act in a petty, spiteful manner towards someone they work with, just so they can feel as though they have something to make them feel more powerful than the co-worker.

Adults, real adults, don’t accept this kind of behavior, nor do they perpetuate it. I know that it’s oh so tempting to stoop to the same, petty level. I know it’s hard to have to try to get beyond and above this.

But there are ways to get your point across, and still be a grown-up.

I’m looking for mine. I will not stoop to the same, childish level of behavior.

I will be an adult if it kills me.

Thoughtful Moment: Courage can take many forms…while cowardice takes but one.

A friend of mine posted something on Facebook the other night, and I’ve been thinking about the permutations of her statement since then, and came up with the thoughtful moment for today.

There have been a lot of times this last week that have driven home the statement above.

Courage can be small, like trying something you haven’t had to eat before.
A turkey wrap with a spinach spread for me… I’m not a big fan of spinach, but decided to give it a whirl.  I’m still not a fan of spinach.

Courage can be something “mid-sized” like admitting to being wrong, and apologizing for it.  Not myself this week, but someone close, who had to apologize to someone else.

And of course, Courage can be something large, like doing something that you’re truly afraid of, like telling someone your feelings.  Or running in to a burning building to save lives.

Cowardice, on the other hand… takes only one form.

Running away from that which you know you should do, and letting fear rule your choices.

Be brave. You’ll like yourself better in the morning.

For some reason, this number has always caught my eye.

Don’t ask, I have no idea why.

It just does.

Every month, for some reason, I find myself looking forward to the 27th.  Wondering what that day is – if it’s someone’s birthday, or anniversary, or a holiday…

And it almost never is.

Of course, YoungerDaughter’s birthday is on the 27th, but in July.

My anniversary with the ex was on the 27th of June.

The day we bought the house I have now was also on the 27th of June.

And those are the only real occasions I can think of that have anything to do with the 27th of anything.

But still, I just seem to be drawn, inexplicably, to that number.  It’s downright weird.

Yeah, 2 + 7= 9, and 9 is one of my lucky numbers, just as 7 is.  So?  Still doesn’t compute for me.

And yet, here I sit, today… wondering what’s so special about this day.  Today.  January 27th… there’s got to be something, right?

Thoughtful moment:  Sometimes I think I’m really living someone else’s life, just peering through the lens, like in “Being John Malkovich”.  This isn’t really me at the wheel, and I can step out of this if I can only wake up.  Then shit like this might make sense.

Or maybe I’m just completely cracked….. yeah, that could be it.

  Happy Friday, friends!

 when my children fall down, I want to pick them up.

We’ve got more drama going on at the house, again. 

It’s not the end of the world, but it is stressful and serious, and not really something I’m ready to make public now, if ever.

Suffice to say, that parenting never stops.  There will always be times when your child needs you, either to physically be there to help, or just emotionally to support.

And it’s hard to watch your babies, no matter their age, go through things that are so painful they make your chest hurt.  You want to step in, help out, fix it, make it go away, make it stop hurting.

But you can’t.  Not always.

Sometimes, the only thing you can do is hug them, tell them you love them, and that you’re there if they want to talk.

But you still want to pick them up, snuggle them like when they were little, rock them and let them cry if they need to, and soothe away the tears when they’re over.

No matter what other people say when they tell you “It’s just never going to end with this child, is it?  You really need to just tell them to grow up and let them hit rock bottom once.” 

It doesn’t work like that for me.

Yeah, I might get pissed at the things they do, sometimes.  I might yell and be angry at their actions.  But I still love them, and will never simply “abandon them to their fate”.

I can’t just leave my child, crying, hurting, curled up in a ball on the floor.  I don’t care how old they get. 

I. Will. Be. There. For. Them.

That’s the kind of mom I am. 

Courtesy of the NASA website

I think the Solar Storm I’ve been reading about lately has been affecting my brain. 

Or, at least my mood.

NASA says that there will be more storms headed our way from our favorite star.

And that some of them will possibly be even more spectacular than the one we’re experiencing right now.

Places that don’t normally get to see them, are having night skies filled with aurora borealis, green and blue swirls and ribbons dancing across their skies.

That’s the lovely part.

Not so lovely, however, is the possible disruptions to satellite feeds, which nearly everything runs through these days.  Radiation, plasma, protons, all streaming out from the Sun, bombarding everything in its way, sending signals askew, or disrupting them altogether.

And, being the science geek that I am, I’ve been reading everything I can find about the “Coronal Mass Ejection”.  (I just love the way that sounds!)

I know that tides pulled by the moon can affect people.  They always say to watch the ER at your local hospitals during the full moon.  It gets crazy.  Both my daughters have worked at the local hospital, and they’ve confirmed it.  People act strangely when things out in space start goofing off with the status quo. 

Hell, even comets get people freaking out, thinking that they’re some sort of intergalactic public transportation vehicle to heaven.

So I know that the radiation, the satellite disruptions, the flares of plasma and protons, are all going to affect how people interact for a while.

And NASA says there will be more storms to come.

All the way into 2013.

Wear plenty of sunscreen, my friends.

And maybe a tinfoil hat wouldn’t be remiss, either?

Thoughtful moment:  Solar storms can be beautiful to watch, can be dangerous to get too close to, and can have effects long after they’re over.  Rather like a relationship.  Oh, that’s so a different topic, I’m not going there.

I’ve actually done this before, for a friend who had someone negative coming to their house on a regular basis.  It worked, sometimes a little too well, so I’ve decided to post the process I used here, for those of you who are of a mind to try something like this!

First, clean the area that you are going to be using to set this up.  A dirty space doesn’t work well for magick.  You have to do the physical work, to help the visualisation manifest in reality.

I’ll use my front door as the example, since that’s where this is going.

Step 1:  Sweep, clean up underneath the step too, if you can get to that area.

Step 2:  Center yourself.  Place your feet about shoulder-width apart, and close your eyes.  Hold your hands out, palms down over the area (you don’t have to put your hands on it, just hold them above the space), and visualise a white light/water/wind/etc. (whatever you use for cleansing) cleansing the area.  You can also use salt water, incense, a candle flame, or a stone, if you prefer.  It’s up to you how you get rid of any “leftover static”.

Step 3:  With eyes closed, visualise a pentagram, made out of your favorite element (earth, wind, fire, water), and see it right where you want the sink hole/drain/vortex to be.  Once you have the pentagram clear in your mind, see it begin to spin, slowly, counterclockwise.  You can, if you so choose, have a chant you speak at this point, such as “No negativity shall enter here,” or “No harm brought in, let happiness win”.  Again, your choice.

Imagine that this spinning pentagram will pull any negative energy from anyone who steps on or over it.  It will drain the negativity out of them, and send it into the ground, where it can be changed to natural, non-specific, energy again.  Neither negative nor positive, simply neutral. 

Just remember, you want to have your intent clear when you set this up.  There can’t be any harmful thoughts going into the setup, or you risk having it backfire on you.  Karma will get her way.

I’ve got some work to do before I can set this up at my house.  My intentions, right now?  Not so pure.  But I’ll get there.

I’ve got one week left on this experiment, and I’m about tapped out for thoughtfulness.  (Does that mean my brain’s fried?  Well, I knew that a long time ago)

I need to get outside my comfort zone again, I think, and do something that will shake me a little.  Rattle the ole brain-box, and make me look at things with fresh eyes. 

Aw, crap.  One of the women in my office wants me to go do karaoke again this week….. that’s probably my best bet for shaking me up, considering my stage-fright.  Well, guess who’ll most likely be appearing soon on a karaoke stage nearby? 

I get stuck in such a rut sometimes, I get used to a certain routine, work, home, sleep… and around again.  I do get time to spend with the guy I’m dating, and that’s a great break-away from routine.  He pulls me outside my comfort zone; he shows me that the rut is a rather boring place to be, and you don’t have to be in it all the time. 

But the thoughtfulness stuff he makes me think about… is NSFW or K. 

So I’ll stick with the mundane, the “normal” stuff. 

And if… when… I get back up on stage, I’ll let you know how it goes.

It amazes me that people just don’t use manners like they used to.

Gods, that makes me sound old.

Common, everyday occurrences, like passing someone in a crowded room, or hallway, used to garner you an “Excuse me”, and you’d say the same back.  Not so much anymore. 

A sneeze was always a “Bless you”, to which the proper reply was “Thank you.”  (People used to believe that a sneeze was an opening through which the devil could steal your soul, hence, the “bless you” kept him at bay, saving your soul from damnation – something you kinda wanted to thank someone for, I guess!) 

Please, thank you, excuse me, pardon me, may I… all these seem to have fallen by the wayside in a good portion of our interactions with others.  I see it every day in my office.

My children are pretty good about using manners.  I trained them from the time they could talk, that they needed to be courteous.  Being courteous often got them things that they wanted, when being discourteous would only get them sent to their rooms.  It paid off to be using the manners. 

So, how do you get people to use their manners?  I’ve tried a couple of different ways.

*I’ve tried the “So sweet she’d rot your teeth” routine.  It only works at certain times on certain people.  And I can’t keep it up for long.  My brain starts to sizzle and hurt from over-straining the “Pollyanna” routine.

If you do that too long, your face sticks that way FOR-EVER!

 *I’ve tried the “overly loud sigh and passive-aggressively point out how much you love courteous people” routine.  For the truly rude – it goes completely over their heads.  They just don’t think it applies to them – But yeah, everyone else is a total jerk, right?

*I’ve tried to “rise above it” and just be myself, using the manners, and going on about my business, no matter how rude the other person is.  It – really depends on who this is, and how rude they’ve been.  There are some lines in the sand for me, that I won’t let others cross without comment.  I have to say something before I walk off. 

I wish… and I know it’s probably a futile one, that people would start using the polite mannerisms again.  When did it become acceptable to be this way?  When did people stop caring about others, and become societal sociopaths?

*sigh*

Excuse me, I need a nap.  My brain hurts.  Thanks for playing.  And be kind – the next person you hold a door for, could be a serial killer who hates rude people…