You CAN Stop The Signal

Or, at least, I can.

*silence*

As for the vague Firefly reference, I’ve stopped the signal, sort of, at my house.

Ever since EldestDaughter & Schnicklefritz left last week, my house has been oddly quiet. Even more oddly than just the usual lack of kidly noises…

Because I haven’t turned on my TV in 8 days.

I know… odd.

I’m not much of a TV person, anyway, since I gave up cable last year, confining  my viewing to Netflix & movies from my own collection. And, I didn’t even really watch much of that, either, usually using it as just “background noise” while I worked on other things.

But I haven’t even played one of my games in that 8 days either – which for me, is odd. I love playing Fallout 3 or 4 after a rough day.  Taking down super mutants, raiders & deathclaws is a good de-stresser for me.

But, I’ve been too tired, I guess. Preferring the natural sounds of the birds chirping outside,  & my dog in the backyard,  barking into the air for no reason, it’s just…quiet.

It didn’t start out on purpose,  I swear. It was more or less just me, tired out after a long day at work. Hurting from the medical crap I still have plaguing me, & the combination of those things, plus the medications I take to mitigate both anxiety & pain… and you have insta-zombie.

Able to watch time whoosh by and disappear without lifting a finger.

And, then it’s bedtime for Bonzo.

So it just continued, night after night, me, staring my way through an evening, maybe working on a craft for a few minutes… but mostly, just…zoned.

Until, here we are. Day 8 of the Dead Zone.

Will it continue?
Will the TV ever live again?
Stay tuned, Mousketeers, and we’ll see you here – same bat time, same bat channel, later this week with an answer!

*cue white noise *

The Thunder of Silence

It’s so quiet in my house today.
The silence broken only by the occasional bark of Rosie & faint birdsong coming from outside.  Even the steady thrum of the refrigerator seems hushed, muted, today.

For I am alone.

And I weep.

My grandmother passed away early this morning.
I knew she wasn’t doing well, Mom told me she had a stroke yesterday, & they’re on their way there.
After they drop EldestDaughter and Schnicklefritz off at the airport.

Because they’ve left too.

Moving to Washington.
Actually,  just taking a vacation for the moment, to get a scope of where they will be moving to in a few weeks.

But they’re still gone.

And I weep.

My grandmother,  gone for all time.
My eldest daughter, gone for now, but only to return for a short period.
My middle daughter,  less than a month from graduating college, and flown, already, from the nest.
My youngest, OnlySon,  off to his father’s for a long weekend, and only a year from graduating into adulthood, himself.

All the old is passing, the new, yet to show itself.

But, for now, I sit in silence and weep.
Slow, silent tears run down my cheeks as I remember, as I imagine, as I grieve.

Cat

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Chloe.
OnlySon’s cat.
Lapwarmer.
Irritating evening yowl-sounder.
Dog teaser.
Sleepmate.
Early morning tail-in-face flicker.
Catnip addict.
And when she visits the cat box….
The repository of dead, rotted souls.

Ah, gawd. The stench.

Eats the exact same food as my other cat, and yet… something inside this feline has died, and revisits us every time she evacuates her bowels.

Errrrrgh….*choke, gag*

Checking In & Checking Out

A lot has happened in the last few days.
Here’s some of it.

**After the Great Phone Loss about a week and a half ago, I did get a replacement…
But I have since discovered that I’ve lost about 3/4 of the phone numbers & contacts that were in my old phone.

I guess that’ll learn me to write phone numbers down in an address book, & stop relying on having them in my phone.

** I spent most of Tuesday night in the local ER.  I’ve been in a lot of pain, due to my ovarian & kidney cysts, & have been having trouble getting a doctor to see me in a timely manner to discuss options.  So my regular doc suggested the ER, saying that there would be a ob/gyn on call, & I’d be seen.

Well, no.  The ob/gyn called in his recommendations, brushed me off, & told me to set up an appointment with his office… AFTER having a CT scan AND yet another ultrasound.

Only to tell me – that I have cysts.

Derp.

Cause I didn’t know that already.

And the cat turd on the sundae?

None of the ob/gyns can see me until MAY.

So I have to wait another month to even get in to see yet another doctor who’s going to tell me that my cysts are too small and unimportant to warrant surgery, and I can’t possibly be in this much pain.

“Beep”.

That’s the sound of me hitting rock bottom as I hang up on the doctor’s bitch secretary/nurse who told me that I should have called them months ago, since I’ve been suffering with this for 6 months or better.

As if I wasn’t in the middle of trying to get someone, anyone, to listen to me at that time.

(Ok, rant over…for now)

**I’m currently working on a wire tree for a friend of my parents who has bladder cancer.  I have finished a wire tree for a benefit at the end of April, that is being thrown for one of my uncles, who has esophageal cancer.  I’m hearing the “C” word waaay too often lately.

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Purple wire, jade stone chips, all twined & tied onto a piece of cactus wood, & finished with a purple ribbon.

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View of the “back side”.

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And here’s one I finished for my nephew.  He ordered this so that he can gift it to someone else, & I’m pretty proud if this one.  The blue stones look great with the silver wire.

** And that’s about it for news I’m willing to talk about.  The rest is just… still being processed…so I’m just not ready to share yet. But, I most likely will before long, seeing as how I usually put most everything here, eventually.

That’s the news, goodnight.

Overheard Just Now

Sitting and reading this evening, my grandson (who I babysit on the weekends while his Mama works) has been watching videos on his Mama’s ipad, and I overheard him as he made a stop in the bathroom.

(He’s 4, and has now been potty trained for about 6 months)

Music is heard playing from said ipad, & he is dancing as he leaves the bathrom…

“I poo’ed, I peed, I poo’ed and peed, and nothing can stop me now!” He sings in his little boy voice…

Pride of accomplishment in his song…

Vindicated

*with the tune from Dashboard Confessional running in my head, I write*

I’ve finally got a diagnosis from my doctor!

After all the testing (4 ultrasounds & a urologist – ordered nuclear Lasix renal scan) I have finally been vindicated in my pain.

The doctors kept telling me “No, there’s nothing wrong with your kidney, aside from it being enlarged from the past issues, it’s functioning within normal parameters.” (Translation inside my head being – “You’re imagining it, there’s nothing wrong with you.”)

But this latest round of ultrasounds proved them wrong.

I actually have a cyst apiece on my right kidney & on my right ovary.

Exactly where I kept telling everyone I was hurting.

And yet, the doctor still wanted to put off doing anything about them. Because? Well, according to the Dr., there’s not much they normally do about cysts… or so the nurse told me over the phone.  

Unless, of course, my pain gets worse or more frequent.

“The pain can’t get more frequent,” I told her. “It’s every day, all day long.”

And it has gotten worse. 4 days now, and counting, of pain that has caused me to take the stronger pain-meds I hate taking, because they make me sleepy & I feel stupid when I’m on them. Foggy, slow & non compos mentis. But, in order to get through the day, I do what I have to.

So, the nurse set up another appointment for next Tuesday for me to discuss options with the doctor.

I can’t continue being in this kind of pain. It’s worn me down to the point where it’s interfering with my life, my work, & my sanity.  Either I need a better pain-treatment plan, so I can get back to functioning normally, or we need to discuss surgical options for removal.

And I feel guilty saying that I can’t deal with the constant pain, because I have friends & family members who have to deal with chronic pain. Worse than my own, I know, & it makes me feel as though I should be stronger, I should be “toughing it out”.

But I can’t.
It’s too much, overwhelming.
And I’m still trying to manage all of this on my own, which is difficult. Not having a life-partner to help me cope…hurts. No rock to lean on, just me & my shaky anxiety & depression. I have friends who are good cheerleaders, but it’s not quite the same as a life-mate you can cry to at 3 AM, or you can vent with after a disappointment, or they’ll go with you to the doctor, & stand up for you when you don’t have the strength to do it yourself.

But, somewhere down deep, is that “give- no-shits, take-no-prisoners” woman who refuses to give up.

Permaneo.  To last, to stand, to never give up.

So I stand, alone in my house, maybe, and shaking on the inside…

But I’m standing.
And I was right. I am vindicated.

Things I Wish I Could Say

* That mental illness is not a virus.  You can’t catch it from me, nor will it simply “clear up on its own.”

* That coming out of a depression cycle isn’t about choice. You can’t always “Choose Happy”. Sometimes, you just have to sit in that dark place until the sun comes out.

* That sometimes the medication works, and sometimes it doesn’t,  quite. Sometimes the anxiety is just too much, and it’s overwhelming.

* I’m not going to go “postal”, but if you see that I’m in a foul, irritable & touchy mood? Let it go & let me be.  I’ll get over it. But, if you poke the badger, don’t bitch when you get bit.

* No, I don’t have to explain anything to anyone. It’s my right, under the law, to keep it to myself. Stop being nosey. If I wanted you to know, I’d have pulled you aside & told you.

* Anxiety isn’t always obvious to detect. I go through every day wearing it like a jacket. A straitjacket.  But most people would never know.

* No, there is no sure-fire cure.  Some people get through it, to them it’s a phase of life, like puberty.  But not for everyone. Some of us will deal with this for life.

* Mental illness isn’t always about being medicated. Sometimes it’s about having someone who will listen, & will be there to walk with you through the dark places.

* It’s hard to maintain friendships when you’re in the dark places.  You don’t feel worthy, & you beat yourself up a lot about not being a better friend. 

* But, that’s when you need friends the most.

* Depression isn’t always about being a sobbing mess.  Sometimes, it’s just a cloud of gloom & dread that hangs over you, & follows you everywhere. 

* I can have good moments, happy moments – even days, & still have depression.  Sometimes, it’s the difference between just a handful of minutes.

* I will not get over anxiety just by someone telling me “Don’t worry about it. It’s not that big of a deal”.  Anxiety doesn’t care. It’s irrational worry

*Telling me to “Lighten up” just pisses me off. Stop it.

*Don’t put me on a suicide watch list. I got over that thought years ago, when my EldestChild was born.  But it was there, at one point.

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