It hurts too much to feel.
I’ve never been a believer in the “bad luck” of Friday the 13th.
Today, could have been the exception to that belief.
Men…can be so thoughtless, hurtful and cruel. (Yes, I’m sure women can be too, but since I’m not bisexual or gay, my romantic relationships have never involved the feminine gender)
Everything seemed to go up in flames today.
The man I’ve been talking to for 3.5 years? Well, on New Year’s Day, I told him that I wasn’t going to wait anymore. That I was tired of always coming in last place on the priority list. I’d told him months earlier that if he couldn’t make me a priority & actually keep his word by the end of 2016, that I was done.
The time lapsed, he still hasn’t decided that I’m important enough to merit meeting face to face, so…I ended it.
At least, on my side.
He…won’t stop texting & attempting to call. He’s furious that I’m actually sticking by what I said.
He’s blaming me for the situation.
Every decision he’s made, he’s made on his own, for his own reasons, & tells me about them after he’s already decided & taken that step. How is this my fault?
So, I threw my phone in my purse & ignored him for most of the day.
I hate confrontation & arguments.
Cue the next thing.
Another man I know, who I dated in the past, starts sending me mixed messages. He’s never wanted the “forever” thing, so I never bothered to bring it up, knowing it was a moot point, & would never come to pass. I’ve never let myself say the “L” word with him, because I do want monogamy, commitment, & marriage again, someday.
But today, in the emotional turmoil I was experiencing with E, I start getting messages from this other man, that sounded almost romantic & sentimental. (I say almost because I don’t know what to believe anymore with this, whether it was meant as a “haha-funny”, or if it was supposed to be taken for real).
I’m so messed up in the head right now.
PLUS, (yeah, there’s more)…
I sent an email the other day to a man I knew a few years ago, who I dreamt about, & felt compelled to contact. We were emotionally close at one time, and confided in each other a lot of personal stuff. We were close to seeing if we could “make a go of it” romantically, when he suddenly backed up & disappeared. It destroyed me for a long time, & I’ve never completely gotten over the loss. Not just as a romantic prospect, but as a dear friend, & someone I’d come to think of as Chosen Family.
I didn’t expect a response at all, as he was pretty clear about not wanting any kind of relationship with anyone, ever. (Miles of bad relationship road behind him, & a fear of getting hurt again)
He responded, & wants to talk as soon as he returns from a work trip he had to go on.
Flaming unicorns on pogo sticks.
My sanity won’t take much more.
My brain is on fire, my heart is in pieces, and I can’t see the point of continuing with much of anything right now.
So, after I finish this post…
I’m putting down the phone, face down, so I don’t have to see it’s mocking screen…and I’m going to pour myself an adult beverage.
No, I’m not laughing as I write this.
I’m completely fucking serious.
And I’m seriously completely fucked.
After dealing with a migraine today, it’s time for me to pass on some of the love.
Cue the old poetry…
You sit there
Talking to me
But I don’t hear what
In your eyes
Seeing my own pain
You’re telling me
How you never promised me
A rose garden
Asked for one
All I wanted
Was that you
Tell me what
*funny how present life seems to imitate the past, ain’t it?*
One Tear for Me
Just cry one tear for me
Then I’ll be on my way
Please tell me that you loved me
At least you did one day
It matters to me now
What you have to say
Even if it won’t
When I am old and gray
I could have loved you deeply
But you just walked away
Before I had a chance
To say what I had to say
So just cry one tear for me
Then I’ll be on my way.
*damnedest thing, how these still sound so familiar*
Here I stand
At the window
My hands pressed against
My breath making fog
On its surface.
Let me in, I say
I tap on the glass
But they don’t see
Their backs are turned
And then, so is mine
I turn and see her
With her hands pressed
Against the glass
As mine had been
I know that I
Am no longer alone.
We back away from the window
“They’re only mannequins”
I noticed that too
We walk away together
Knowing that they are only
While we have the whole world
*this was for my best friend, who showed me how much bigger the world was, when all I saw was a small town*
*and here’s the last one I plan to publish here, as this has reminded me why I haven’t posted these before…*
Think of Me
Every time you see a happy child
Think of me
When you see something free and wild
Think of me
When you read a story
With a happy end
Or get a letter from
Your best friend
See my smiling face
Happy for you
Think of me.
When you’re lost and alone
And you want to go home
Think of me
If you’re sad or you’re blue
Know I’m thinking of you
When you see the sun come out…
Think of me.
That’s It – I’m Throwing In The Towel On Dating – http://thoughtcatalog.com/mike-zacchio/2017/01/this-year-im-throwing-in-the-towel-on-dating/
Something I figured out tonight… something I’d thought about before, wondered why many times…but never had an answer until now.
Why don’t I feel as “grown up” as most of the other 40-something’s I know? Why is it, that I feel so abnormal, so out of place with my peers?
Most of the people I know my age, talk about their jobs, their kids, their gardens & recipes. They talk about their spouse, & where they’re going for their next vacation, or about how the car “just isn’t running right, so I’d better take it in”.
I hear them discussing things like regular adults, day to day stuff, “grown-up” stuff.
So why am I still stuck contemplating my navel, & why my relationships always seem to turn to shit?
Grief. It’s grief. And the fact that most of those other adults don’t feel it all the time, as I seem to be.
Sure, I know it sounds odd, so let me explain my reasoning.
Grief – is Love with no place to go. It’s Loving, but not being able to give that Love to someone. Not having a “home” for it. Grief is having so much love, & never being able to show it, or having the one you love throw it away. It’s Feelings so strong you seem to crack at the seams, and they leak out of your face, sliding down your cheeks, only to fall to the floor. It’s the desolation of knowing that the Love you have, has nowhere to land, either because the one you love has passed, or simply left you behind.
Grief – is Love, lost and confused, spinning back on itself in the hope of finding resolution, only to discover there’s no doorway back to how it was before.
And these other adults, the people I watch, they don’t have to worry about Grief in that way.
Because they have their purpose, they have a place for their love to go. They have their SO, their contented life, balanced &, for the most part, fairly whole. Grief, when it does strike, doesn’t consume their whole world. They’re able to get through it, because they have that balance, that Love with a Home to go to.
So, they talk about their gardens, and their weekends, their jobs & kids & pets & what they’re going to make for dinner.
Well, I know my home is not here.
Where it is, I don’t know.
Someday, maybe, I’ll find a Home for my Love. Until then…
I am Grief.
Only on the blog will you find me this open.
Out in the “Real World”… I’m fine.
I just can’t hold onto the positive hopes.
Because a couple of days ago, I told him that 3 1/2 years of waiting was enough. 3 1/2 years of late-night conversations, daily texts, occasional phone calls…but never a face to face meeting, was enough. That 3 1/2 years of broken promises, one after another, was enough. When words are only words, and never become deeds…how do you continue to believe in tomorrow?
My heart is torn into pieces right now. I know, everyone says…”It’ll change. You’ll find someone. Someone will come along and just sweep you off your feet.”
Today, I mourn.
And it never even started.
This…THIS is why I have defensive walls so high and thick it takes a mountaineer to climb them.
Fucking men with their habit of ghosting, benching, promising & breaking, blowing me off, calling me “psycho” when I get upset after they refuse to live up to their word. Disappearing because of their own fears & insecurities, then laying it off on me as my fault because they can’t handle relationships & monogamy.
Goddess…I’m so tired of this.
I just want one man. One MAN, who can be an adult, is willing to commit, and can see that I’m worth more than just being a friend with benefits, or a hookup. I don’t want the games anymore.
And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.
I’ll be just fine.
But not today.
*Oh.my.god. I’d forgotten how sappy & simple some of my old poetry was… Oy.
Ok, here goes…*
You & Me
Your eyes touch mine
And I smile
Your hand holds mine
And I’m warm
Your arm encircles me
And I’m safe
There’s no way I can
Come to harm
And my heart skips a beat
And my world is complete
To find it’s but a dream.
*I was still in high school…so sue me. I was emo before it was a thing.*
Pale and pink
In the sink
Clip and snip
Trim and prune
It’s time for them
To die, too soon
Buds not opening
The rare, rich beauty
Of the rose inside
Their cries of pain
Like small, caged birds
Cry, little roses
Tears of pink
And fill the sink.
*yeah…I’m not posting some of these…they’re decidedly too…wow, was I a sap as a kid, or what? I can tell a lot of them were written to try to gain approval from others, & never should’ve seen the light of paper…I’ll be burning some of them later in effigy
And the last emo thing for the night…(posting this one with my eyes closed, I think)*
Sing a song of suicide
A pocket full of lies
Four and twenty sorrows
Form in my eyes
When my song is over
They begin to sing
Wasn’t that a funny way
To go and meet the King?
*See? Emo as all get-out. Did you sing along after catching the tune it was written to?
Maybe this little parade down memory lane wasn’t the grandest idea… Or, maybe it was, as a way to get me to finally get rid of some of this paper trash! We’ll see how far down the rabbit hole I go with this, or if I give it up as a badly spent penny…*