People Think I’m Joking

When I say that I’m introverted, I get rolling eyes, & scoffing laughter. Sometimes I get a full blown “HA! Yeah, right. Whatever.”

They don’t believe me, because all they see is my “business face”, or my public persona. I put on a pretty good show, for those I deal with at work & out with the public.

But for those precious few who know me outside the office, they know better.

They know that I’d rather spend an evening at home, curled up in my favorite chair, blanket snuggled, with a good book, or Netflix, and just be outside the public eye.
They know that I get overwhelmed in crowds, & have a tendency to work my way to the edges of gatherings, where the noise level drops, & there isn’t so much of the pressing of people on all sides.  The quicker to make my getaway…

They know that, given a choice, I’ll often back out of plans, citing reasons that might not make sense to anyone else, but to me, they’re the smokescreen for my real reason – I often prefer to just go home to my quiet space, rather than have to try to keep up the public image for more than the 8 hours required during the workweek.

And, those chosen few who abide within my innermost circle know…

Well, if you’re one of them, I don’t need to reiterate; and if you’re not, then I choose not to share that particular truth. 

Just because I might come off as an outgoing, sarcastic, self-deprecating, funny, blah, blah, extrovert…

Don’t get it twisted.

I’m an Innie, not an Outie.

And that’s not a problem to be “fixed”.

It’s just how I roll…like an armadillo…covered up & well-armored.

Head Rabies

I’ve been ill for a few days now, with a very uncomfortable form of head rabies, or, as it’s more commonly know, sinus infection.

Chills, fever, itchy eyes, full & extremely uncomfortable soreness in the sinuses, copiys amounts of phlegm…you get the idea.

Luckily, I had a doctor’s appointment yesterday. I’ve had it on the books for over a month the now, was supposed to just be my yearly exam for my physical & to renew my anti-anxiety meds. Otherwise, I’d have had to try the “convenience” clinic, which is anything but convenient. 

And, doc put me on an antibiotic I’ve never taken before, but heard about. Doxicycline. 

Nasty stuff, that.

Now, on top of the rest of the symptoms, I’m nauseated. Whoo hoo.

But, if it kicks the rabies, I’ll take it. 

Gods, I hate being sick. It throws off all my plans & schedules.


Whatever. Hopefully, this crap will work fast, so I can get back to my regularly scheduled programming.

Cause I’ve got shit to do.


I took a Briggs-Meyer personality test a while ago, & have been seeking to understand the results I got.

According to the test, I’m an INFJ. Here’s what I found on the ‘net about it… Very fitting, & those few who really know me will see what I mean about that.

“Portrait of an INFJ – Introverted iNtuitive Feeling Judging
(Introverted Intuition with Extraverted Feeling)

The Protector

As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get “feelings” about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people’s feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people’s opinions. They believe that they’re right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves – there’s always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don’t often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don’t believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.

In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.”

7:30 at the Post Office

Yeah, I was there, dropping a package in the Priority drop box. 

Yeah, I saw you there, filling out some form.

Nope, I didn’t say anything. Just took care of my mail, turned around, & walked back out.

After all, what was there to say?

After the last non-conversation we almost had, didn’t seem any point in verbalizing.

After all, you’d have just accused me of being a “hysterical female”, anyway.

Besides, I had somewhere to be, & no reason to hang around and chat with someone who can’t be bothered to keep their word.

But I still find it ironic, after all this time, that what were the odds, in a town the size of the one we live in, at that odd hour of the evening, that we would be the only 2 people in the post office – literally, that I would run into you there.


Imagine that.

Nope. Still no point in talking.

After all, you and me? We’re just strangers who happen to have some memories in common, now.

Sad it had to turn out that way.

Boy, did you miss out.

I just keep reminding myself:

Lesson #2

Tonight’s horseback riding went a lot better than last week, and I’ll tell you why…

1.  The coach & I discussed the horse I was to ride, Dawn, before I got on. She is “being pissy”, & Coach M couldn’t figure out why. She wanted to see her in motion from a distance, to gauge her reactions to things.

2. I didn’t push this week as hard as I did last week. I was so over-eager about riding last week, that I transmitted my nerves to the horse. Yes, they pick up on emotions. They’re a lot like little kids – they’ll push your buttons just as far as you’ll let them, & then try for more. We walked most of the lesson’s hour, with small bursts of trotting. It helped.

3. Dawn was wearing a different bridle, one with a “broken bit” (the bit isn’t actually broken, but it does have 2 pieces that are connected in the middle, & it handles differently). Believe me, it can make ALL the difference in how a  horse reacts to commands. And it did. Dawn was much more receptive & accepting of commands.

4. After watching us ride for a while, Coach M figured out that she’s pretty sure Dawn is going into heat. Yep, Dawn’s PMSing. Dingdingding! We have a behavioral winner!

5. My confidence was up tonight, with fewer distractions in the arena to pull Dawn’s attention, she listened to me more, & it paid off for both of us.

6. I talked to Dawn almost the whole time we rode. She was more comfortable knowing I was calm, & I kept my voice low & encouraging. 

All in all, I felt really good about tonight’s ride. It made me feel good, knowing that Coach M trusted me to handle her “Problem Child”, & with Dawn listening & responding as well as she did, we both did much better. My nerves were calmer, which made her calmer. And she realized I wasn’t going to let her be the boss, which can be half the battle with a “shirty” horse.

Goddess, it’s good to be back in the saddle again…

(Dawn’s picture from last week)

Thor’s Protection

I’m not a follower of the Northern Viking pantheon, but this last weekend, I prayed to Thor for protection for my nephew, who was in the path of Hurricane Matthew.

I found this online at http://www.northern , and felt very strongly that I was heard, & His blessing of protection was granted.

I will be doing a ritual of thanks this upcoming Thursday, which is the name given to “Thor’s Day”.

Thunder rolls, lightning strikes,

And the hammer flies across the sky.


God of the weather, chariot of the storm,

Master of rain and torrents,

Son of the strength of Mother Earth,

I ask you to grant me that strength for myself.

You who are so great that you cannot walk

Across the Rainbow Bridge without breaking it,

You whose tree is the mighty oak,

O Thunor, grant me that unending sturdiness.

Let me not break beneath the blows of misfortune.

Keep me from being crushed when the powerful

Stomp their large feet on the smaller ones below.

You who are the guardian of the common man,

You who care for the farmers and workers,

Look upon me here in this place where I am

Only one of many, and protect my steps.

Make me resilient and mighty as your own arm,

Make me unbreakable, you who are Friend of Man.

I ask for one small percentage of the vigor

Of the right arm of the Thunderer,

That I might brave the tempest

And stand firm in the gales.


Thunder rolls, lightning strikes,

And the hammer flies across the sky.

Taking Me Back

I’ve been spending a lot of time alone, lately. Not necessarily by choice, but because of circumstances beyond my control, the other people I usually associate with have all been preoccupied, absent, or geographically inconvenient.

Geographically inconvenient.  I like the phrase, hate the meaning.

Anyway, I’ve been working on filling my “me time” with things that need to get done, or that I enjoy but haven’t been able to do for a while. 

Take my house, for example.

I’ve been wanting to work on a few reno projects for a while, & after my dad put in my new front door, I decided to get started. I’m tired of waiting for anyone else to help me, or motivate me. No one’s going to jump forward & say “Hey, let’s do this!” 

So, I’ve begun painting my walls. Yeah, it’s going to be a slow process, which I’ll work on during the weekends, & when I have time, money & motivation to get it done. I want to see it finished before Onlyson graduates in the spring, so I’ve got some time.

It started like this…

After I ripped down some hideous ’70s paneling, I was left with a few dings in the plaster & a bunch of liquid nail crap that had to be sanded down.

Repairs took a few days, but I got to this…

An electric sander & a big bucket of plaster patch helped smooth out the dings & bumps.

And last weekend, I did this…

Aaahhh, so much better! A nice dove gray, I’m going to do almost the whole inside of my house in this color. Clean, crisp & fresh!  After 16 years of beige, it’s about time.

And then, there’s this…

After  a 25-yr. hiatus, I’m taking a horseback riding class! No, I don’t really need “teaching”, but I do need to remind my body what to do when on a large quadruped. I’m sore in places I’d forgotten I owned, & was reminded sharply just how out of shape I am.

This is the 2nd horse I rode that night. The first one dumped me off sideways when she decided to back into another horse because she was tired of hauling humans around. The other horse took exception to my horse’s butt in her face, & nipped her, causing my mount to shie sideways…which I wasn’t expecting. Landed on left hip & shoulder, & had the wind knocked out for a minute, but I got back up, dusted off & switched horses.

The best remedy when dumped off the horse is to immediately get back in the saddle. 

And the 2nd horse was a dream to ride. Responsive, quick to listen to what I wanted & eager to go, we actually cantered around the arena for a bit, which was what I’d been wanting to do all night. 

Yeah, after the night was over, I was reminded just how old I’ve let myself become. But that’s changing, now that I’ve been back in the saddle.

I’m determined that I’m not going to let my out-of-shape body defeat me. I’m going to get back to strength, so I can do the things I really love without suffering for days on end afterwards.

Fuck being old.

I’m taking ME back.