Happy Thoughts…

Trying to remind myself of the good things that do happen, I decided to make mental notes of small, happy things.

1. My pumpkin patch is growing like mad! I have 1 that’s about the size of a baby’s head right now, & at least one more possible that’s the size of a kiwi…

2. I finally saw a monarch butterfly yesterday! I’ve been wondering where they were this year, with everything I’ve read about the troubles they’ve been having…and I saw one! It gave me a smile, and a happy memory of the kids & me taking care of one a few years ago, then releasing it into the park.

(Sneaky Pete from a few years ago when we released him)

3. I found some new series to watch on Netflix. The Shanarra Chronicles (already hooked on this one, & can’t wait for the next season to come out), Stranger Things, Black Mirror, Penny Dreadful (these last ones I haven’t started yet, so have no other comment).  I finished Gilmore Girls again, and I’m eagerly (rabidly) waiting for the new episodes to start in November!

4. I have a lone daisy growing wild in my yard.  It popped up out of nowhere, it’s small, & not perfect… But, it’s tough, and determined.

5. Onlyson started his senior year today. He is also turning 18 in 2 days! My youngest, my baby, will be registering with Selective Service in just a few days. Oy. Where did the time go? I want to do something nice for this big day, but he’ll be going to his dad’s this weekend, so I won’t see him till Sunday. 

I’m trying to be more mindful, more open to recognizing the happier things that happen from day to day. Some days, it’s easier than others.

Sturgeon Moon

I’m waiting for that moon, tonight.

The full moon. The lunar eclipse riding in the Aquarius constellation. The autumn’s change moon that is supposed to shake things up, change my world, and rattle all the cages, freeing beasts and beauties alike.

I’m waiting for this fiery moon to rise.

Something has to change.

I’ve told friends that I’m tired of being single, that I’d like to have a “special someone” again. That I want a relationship with someone that I know is headed toward commitment, eventually.

That, someday, I want to get married again.

And they tell me to “be patient”, that love will find me when I least expect it.

But how does that happen when you don’t ever go out, meet new people, try new things & new places?

And no, I’m not going on the dating apps again. I’ve gotten into enough trouble for myself there.

But, you ask, to rely on the moon to change this…isn’t that stretching credulity a bit?

Not in my faith, it’s not.

Being Pagan, I look to the universe to hand me my cues, and yes, that means the moon’s cycles, the stars in the heavens, the ebb and flow of the seasons & the tides.  The energies that I receive from contact with nature help me in more ways than one, and often.  

Sometimes, I forget that.

So, tonight, I’m drawing in the moon, calling her light into myself, and bathing in the changes she is going to bring.

Because I am a child of that moon, those stars, this earth.  

And I will honor and remember…

And try to be patient.

The Ghost in the Machine…

*brought to you via today’s Daily Post Prompt*

My phone rings, and it is him.

The ghost in the machine.

His voice floats over the distance, telling me things I’ve longed to hear, waited years for, hoped incessantly to come true.

But words are wind.

Blown away in a breath, dispersed into the ether from whence they came, worth no more than the air it took to speak them.

Promises broken, dreams scattered like Legos on the floor, causing pain when encountered, alone and stumbling through the dark.

Some days, I wish I could exorcise this spirit, banish him from my life, so I could move forward & seek love elsewhere…

Other days, I cling to the time spent, holding tightly to the feelings engendered by this disembodied voice, this dislocated ghost who dwells inside my phone, my computer, my head.

How do you dislodge such a deeply entrenched resident?

Cautery?

I’ve reopened the wound more than once, staunched the bleeding, laid fire to the injury, in the hopes of sealing the breach, but it does no good.

Time heals all wounds, they say…

But how much time am I supposed to grant this spirit, this ghost, before I cry “ENOUGH!!” ?

3 years…

And counting…

It’s That Time Again

The full moon is right around the corner.

Know how I know?

Stuff keeps going missing.

Little things, like my fingernail clipper, and my ear buds for my phone, a small ziploc baggie of hematite rings, & a stretchy headband I wear when I work out.

Now, I know I’ll find these things sooner or later, tucked under a chair, or peeking out from under one of the blankets on my bed, or maybe when I move the couch to mop this weekend.

And how do I know this?

Take a close look…

Those are teeth marks on that emery board.

Every month, right around the full moon, this happens.

The culprit?

Yes, Sally Jane. You. Don’t try to pawn me off with that “Who me?” look.

Psycho.

To the Ones Who Left…

To you who walked away,

I’m writing this letter, because I am someone who doesn’t like to leave things unfinished. I’m writing this for closure. I’m writing this for me, because you weren’t there to see the end of it all.

Because you walked away without fully knowing what it was you could have had.

You will never know, now, what could have been.  How blind you made yourself as you left…

You could’ve had a woman who would walk to the ends of the earth for you, who would’ve fought for you, stood up for you, stood with you through every good and bad thing in life. A woman who would help you shoulder your burdens, as well as rejoicing in your happiness.

You could’ve had a woman who would take care of you when you were down, or sick, or just in need of a sympathetic ear; and who would also challenge you to exceed even your own goals, confident in your ability to reach them.

A woman who would’ve loved fiercely and gently, at the same time, who would argue with you when you were wrong, and apologize when wrong herself. 

A woman who would laugh with you, and not at your expense, and would cry with you, and for you when you couldn’t cry for yourself. 

A woman whole unto her own self, who doesn’t rely on anyone else to define her, but wanted to share that self with you. 

You walked away from a soul so bright, and deep, & full of love for so many- friends, family, and more, and you didn’t see the flickering of that glow, dimming briefly in the sadness she felt, the wavering of resolve to always believe in love’s power to heal.

You left, and you didn’t see the recovery, the resilience, or the strengthening that took place afterwards. 

And for that, I feel sad for you.

Because now, you’ll never see the brilliance of that glow again. 

When it could have been yours.

Up and At ‘Em…

So, I got up and got busy.

This morning started very slowly, and I wasn’t feeling my best, so I decided to put in some extra effort on myself, first, to make me feel better.

Makeup, hair, & a nice shirt with jeans made me feel more like doing, so, I got busy.

Vacuuming, mopping, dusting, dishes, & moving some furniture later, and I’m doing better.  

Maybe it was the mindless housekeeping, maybe it was forcing myself to focus on each task as I went about them, and not being able to linger on the million things that’ve been swirling through my brain…I’m not sure.  

It helped.

So, tomorrow, I’ll be doing more of the similar. Laundry, kitchen cleaning, & a short trip to the office for some handywork. 

And this evening?

Crafting….and an adult beverage. 

I might end up with some funky looking crafts, but hey! It’s all art, right?

Up and at ’em, Chickie.

*update* I have also now roasted a turkey breast & made chocolate chip cookie dough, which is currently chilling in the fridge, so I can bake them tomorrow.  I’d better sleep like a rock, tonight.

Get up

I’m so tired today, and I don’t know why.

I was the same last night, and ended up falling asleep in my chair around 7:30, without even eating any supper. I thought it was just going to be a nap, you know, wake up at 10, or so, & have the energy to get up, do some cleaning, talk to my nephew, maybe even do some crafting or play Fallout4 for a while…

Nope.

I woke at about 10, alright, but it was only to text the nephew for a couple minutes, both of us expressing deep exhaustion, & a desire to crawl into bed.

Did I?

Not right away. I fought it, fought it hard, for a couple of hours, I really tried to wake myself back up. After all, I’d just had a 2&1/2 hour nap, right?

So I finally gave up, snuggled back into my chair with my blanket & a requisite ankle cat (she who rests at my feet), & dropped back off to sleep.

And scored another 7 hours of unconsciousness.

So why am I already contemplating a nap, today?

This is ridiculous.

JENNIFER.

GET. UP.