There was a time
When I was wild
Free and feral
Aimed straight at self-destruction
And no one thought
Maybe, maybe she needs water.
Chaos was bound
Into conformity
But inside,
I burned.
For years, the coals banked in ashes
Smoldering embers
Until
Only a flicker remained.
“Are you happy?”
Sparked the blaze
With which I burned the world
To ashes around me.
~ May 5, 2023
There are days when I’m ok with Death.
I know that I’m well over the half-way mark of my life.
So many years I can look back on. So many experiences, good and bad both.
And, some days, I’m ok with knowing that, eventually, it’ll all end.
The lights will go out, the sky will go dark, & I’ll exit, stage left.
Some days…
I’m not scared.
It started with a spark.
That small, miraculous ignition
Kindling my existence, my
Experiences
It flickered, tiny, vulnerable, but
Protected by other flames from extinguishment
Fanned by the air around me,
Fueled by the knowledge imparted
I grew, a steady flame, strong, bright.
Until the collision. The damage done to me, torched through me,
Fuel on flame, I burned…
Higher, brighter, angry
I scorched so many in my passage
Leaving permanent scars, in some cases, from the trauma of my touch.
A bonfire cannot burn forever.
Rains came.
Soothing, healing,
Quenching fires I never meant to set.
Until I was naught but ashes, and
Deeply banked coals, glowing in the dark.
Would that I could heal away the scars,
But that’s not how fire works.
So, I wait for the phoenix to rise.
Ever since my cross-country move from Washington to Georgia, I’ve been living in a sort of time limbo.
I am fairly quiet these days. I work remotely for the same company I worked at in ND, which is wonderful. I truly love what I do, and the company’s flexibility has worked in my favor to allow me the privilege of doing what I love, while living where I’m happy.
I’m just minutes away from BelovedNephew, now, and we get to see each other pretty much whenever we want, barring work.
I’ve been here now, for a little over 2 months, and yet…
Every once in a while, I stop, and realize that I am actually doing this.
Soft reset of the brain and emotions.
I’m actually fulfilling a dream I’ve had for years by moving cross-country – and twice, at that!
It’s only a little over over a week shy of the 1 year anniversary of my first move from North Dakota to Washington.
I’m really here. I’ve really done it.
And, my 2nd move from WA to GA I drove a 36-foot RV with only 2 cats for company!
When I have these moments, I’m overcome with almost all the emotions; awe, fear, happiness, sadness, excitement, & dread.
It’s a lot, & there are times I have to pull back into myself to try to process the rush.
Soft reset.
Nothing jarring, no explosion of temper or giddiness. Just a quiet withdrawal, a period of isolation, until I can stick my chin out again & move forward once more.
Today, I’m sitting in an airport, headed North for the weekend. (I’ll write a separate post for that after my return home, it needs its own space)
I had my soft reset moment, staring out the window of the terminal.
I can’t have my physical withdrawal right now, in all the public.
But, I can withdraw behind my mask, and drop into my Kindle, mentally.
It’s gonna be a loooong day of flights, airports, walking, & sitting uncomfortably.
But, I’ll get through it.
Look how far I’ve already come to realize my dreams!
So, I’ve moved – again. 😂
This summer, my ElderDaughter informed me that they were going to sell their place in Washington & move to Texas.
Now, anyone who knows me, even a little, knows I am very liberal-minded.
One might even say… A little feral… In that direction.
So, I told ElderDaughter that, as much as I’d miss being near them, I couldn’t move with them to Texas as they wanted me to.
My mouth would be writing checks there, that my old, overweight, arthritic ass can’t cash anymore.
What does a 52 yr. old feral woman for when faced with this dilemma?
She moves to Georgia to be closer to her best friend, BelovedNephew.
This man really, truly is my best friend. He’s been there for me as ChosenFamily/friend for so many years now, it feels more like lifetimes.
So, in September, I gassed up the RV, hitched the Jeep to a tow dolly, & drove, by myself (well, my 2 cats kept me company) for 5 1/2 days to south Georgia.
I’m now living in the bus, parked in a mobile home/RV park about 45 minutes from the ocean.
And, I’m so very happy.
I’ve been able to work my own way off my anti-anxiety meds. (I still have GAD, don’t get me wrong, but it’s much more manageable now, with less stress in my life.)
I get to go on adventures with my bestie!
Last weekend, we went to Fort King George, the remnants of an old British fort here, & I also got to go to Jekyll Island & put my feet in the ocean for the first time in my life!
I’m still adjusting to this new phase of my life (I can’t believe I’ve already been here 2 months!)
But, I am content.
Living small, and alone by choice, I am actually content.
And that’s not a small thing.
I’ve started working on crafts again.
I’ve been contemplating writing fiction again.
Things are changing.
And that’s ok.
I’m tired of walking the broken roads
Alone.
The pitted pavement beneath my feet
Stretching out, with no end
Me reaching out and
You, not reaching
Back
The road runs both ways
You know
You say “Life’s just so busy”
Which means I’m not a part
Of yours.
So
I’m done with those
Broken roads.
Those overgrown paths leading to
Weed-choked thickets
You won’t miss me
Because you never did
So, I’ll pave my own road
And be met by those headed my way.
In November 2021, I sold my house and moved.
Now, that’s a very generic statement, for the extremely complicated and intricate dance of events that took place.
I’d been wanting to move for years.
Living where I was, in North Dakota, had so many painful memories and so little joy left for me. Yes, I have many good memories there as well, and I treasure those; but you can’t live in memories.
I struggled everyday to find a reason to get up, to go forward, and couldn’t find enough reasons to stay.
So – I made a lot of choices that ended up with me moving to Washington, to be closer to my ElderDaughter & my grandbabies.
And, my life has changed so much, that I’m still amazed on the daily that I actually live here now!
I bought myself a used RV, & hooked it up in my ElderDaughter’s backyard.
It’s perfect for me & Sal.
It’s big enough for the 2 of us, without being too much for me to handle.
And, I haven’t been this at ease in a long time, if ever.
My anxiety has dropped to the point where I’ve been able to lower my meds in half.
I’m finding myself having moments of pure contentment and joy out of the blue. It’s been years since my depression has been this minimal.
I’m finding a new balance, here.
Everything you’ve ever wanted, is on the other side of fear ~ George Addair
Today, it’s been 12 years since I started blogging on WordPress.
Oh, sure, I had my blog on another platform for a while prior to switching over here, but, I can neither remember the platform name, nor the length of time I was there, because I’ve been here so long.
And… My whole life has been completely upended multiple times in those 12 years.
It tends to happen.
See, when I started all this, it was a way for me to “scream into the darkness”, as I used to say, but… I had a hard time actually doing that, for a long time.
I started off with my original reason for blogging, which was that I’d needed a safe place to put all of my feelings, questions about life, the universe, & everything.
I had a blood relation take offense to something I’d written, on my own space, for my own reasons. It wasn’t aimed at that person, had nothing to do with that person, but they still had decided that I was a horrible person, & raked me over the coals for, what to me, was a simple, philosophical question I had, & was looking for answers to.
So, I started an anonymous blog to do my soul-searching.
And, after my initial posts, I fell into writing about normal, everyday, mundane things. Humorous, usually. But not the real, raw, self-intospection I needed.
Until, my past & present started to bleed into one another.
My introspection started uncovering things I’d “conveniently” forgotten. More like buried deep within my own psyche.
It led me to reasons why I’d lived as I had, self-destructive behaviors and all.
I started to get a handle on my own flaws, foibles, failings and faults.
I also started to see the good things.
It took me a while to allow nyself to truly be vulnerable here, but I was encouraged by friends I’d met while blogging, & led with my chin.
And, the tone of the blog changed, to become a journey of self-discovery, mentally, emotionally, and more.
I’ve posted some flash fiction here, too, because that is also a part of who I am.
Or was. I haven’t posted any fiction in a loooong time now. Life has led me down a long, dusty path, & there hasn’t been any fiction for a while that was yelling to get out.
I’ve been too busy, just hanging on.
I want to start blogging again, though. I do miss it, sometimes. There are a lot of things I still want to explore, explain, & examine.
But, I can feel the tone changing again.
Don’t ask me how it will end up, because in all honesty, I’m not sure where it’s going yet.
Maybe I should just hop the train, and settle in for the ride.
Another dozen years couldn’t hurt… Right?
I am not ok.
I haven’t been, for a while.
And that’s ok.
Circular logic, I guess, but there you go.
Something happened in my family in July, & I’m not ok about it.
And honestly, I feel as though it’s been a long time coming, this fracture, but I kept holding back the floodwaters by putting my back to it, & ignoring it.
I heard something the other day, that has been rolling around in my mind ever since.
Constantly examining your feelings & trying to logically define them, keeps you from feeling them; which prevents you from healing them.
I know that I need to get all of these things that are surging forth in my brain out there… But I have no one right now that I can actually tell these things to.
My kids don’t need that burden, and I don’t want them “in the middle”, which is where they’d end up if I told them how bad things feel for me right now.
My Beloved Nephew has enough chaos going on in his world, that he sure as hell doesn’t need mine; even in periphery.
That’s it.
That’s the list of trusted ears & shoulders.
So, like always, refusing to burden others with my problems, I try to work through shit on my own.
Did you know that hyper-independence is a trauma response?
Executive Dysfunction has me sitting & zoning out, when I have a list of things I need myself to accomplish.
My depression is so thick right now, I’m having a hard time not just curling up in the fetal position, & sleeping through the day.
I know I desperately need help with my house (which I’m trying to get ready to sell), but I refuse to ask for help. Any help would either come with judgment, or conditions, or both – and I can’t and won’t deal with either of those. Anyone even offering, gets pushed off with a “it’s fine, I’ve got this”.
Winter is coming.
I wanted to be out of here before that, and I’m pretty sure that’s not going to happen now.
And again, I’m disappointing people, because of my mental state.
It’s times like this that scare.
Because the way out is so far above me, and I don’t have a ladder.
It’s very dark here.
Brea's Air 