Catching Up, Letting Go, & Shoveling Through

Got into an argument on the internet, today. 

Yeah, I know, it’s pointless, irritating & inflammatory to argue with strangers on the internet…but he pissed me off. 

It was in a pagan group, & he was busily invalidating people’s beliefs, so I spoke up & told him off. 

Politely, and with facts.

The subject was Wicca, & he was running his fingers, telling everyone that the only TRUE Wiccan was HIS type of Wiccan.

I pointed out to him that there are many valid paths, not just his, & he got condescending…which, you know, just calms me right down, because who doesn’t like being talked down to?

When I pointed out to him that Lutherans, Baptists, Methodists, Episcopalians, Presbyterians, etc., were just as Christian as the Catholics, even though they’d split from the Holy Roman Catholic Church years ago, he totally ignored that, & spouted that I just don’t understand what true initiation is.

Someone get him some Kool-Aid, wouldja? Jim Jones wants to visit with him.

So, I dropped the mic on the conversation & left the thread. 

Let it go. Trolls shouldn’t be fed, I wasn’t going to get him to understand that he’s just as bad as the fundie Xtians who think all of us Pagans are going to hell, & I just get all riled up with no resolution.

Time to do something a little more constructive.

Like baking cookies. Chocolate chip are all baked & ready to go on Monday. Snickerdoodles are waiting to be mixed next, & they go in the fridge overnight, so I need to get on that.

I also need to shovel my front sidewalk, but that’s not happening anymore to right. Maybe tomorrow…maybe I’ll wait till my neighbor decides he’s sick of looking at it & clears it for me with his 4-wheeler…

I also need to get busy on Yule gifts & a custom Xmas order my mom wants for a family member.  Trees…trees, trees, lots of little wire trees. Nothing I Can show you till  after the holiday season, since they’re all going to be gifts, but I will post pictures then.

Annnd, I’m almost done painting inside my house for now. The living room & dining room/office/gym/ferretarium are painted, & most of the hallway is finished, with only the trim at ceiling & floor, & around doors is left. Touchups, really, then I’m done for now. I’ve got some demolition to do in the kitchen before I can paint in there.  I’ll post pictures of the finished painting as soon as it’s all done. I’m rather proud of having done it by myself. I love the soft grey color that seems to shift throughout the day with how the light hits it. Sometimes it’s just grey, sometimes it looks more blue, sometimes more lavender, but always clean, soft, & comforting. 

There, now you’re caught up. 

Time to go mix cookies…

Solitude

I spent today in silence.

Not completely, really, as I did talk a couple of times to my cats…but that was it.

No TV.

No radio.

No human contact.

And it was Ok. Better than Ok, it was good.

There are times when as an introvert, I feel as though I need complete solitude, just to recharge. Maybe it was an overwhelming week, or I wasn’t feeling well, or…maybe it was just one of those times when everything had built up so far, that I needed to crash & recuperate.

Yes, to all of those.

I volunteered a couple of days ago to take part in a company thing, helping with our booth at the yearly “Showcase of Businesses”, where many local businesses have what amounts to a giant PR party, always with a theme, and always busy.

I was only there for an hour & a half, but it felt like 3, between the forced (on my part) gaiety, & the pressing crowds, it blew my emotions out fairly quickly, & left me feeling like a wrung-out rag. I don’t do crowds very well, especially after a full day at work, when I’m already tired. My emotional reserves were not just spent, they were bottomed out & scraped raw.

So, I slept in today. 

Spent the day in my jammies.

Read books, and just vegged out in my chair.

Am I recharged?

Not completely.

But better than that I was.

Solitude can be very healing.

Times & Anxiety

Anxiety has been at a peak for a while now, and I’ve been working on getting through it. It’s not always easy, & some days, the anxiety overrides everything else, & I’m left clutched in it, and all the side effects that come with it.

There are some ways I’ve found to combat the anxiety, though, & for me, at least… It helps…mostly.

In no particular order:

1. Music.  Different moods require different genres. Some days I’m Enya & Chopin, Halsey, Adele & Sara Bareilles.

Other days, I’m Metallica & Linkin Park, AC/DC, and Ozzy.

And some days, I’m Ruelle, Twenty One Pilots, Sia, Pink, Christina Aguilera, Meghan Trainor & Bollywood music.

Music helps, and sometimes, I hear it without the radio, softly humming in my head, the background noise of the earth, like a singing bowl, just a soft, lilting ringing…

2. Candles. I have a few. Different scents for different moods. Soft ones, light & clean ones, heavy woodsy ones, spicy, energetic ones. Lit, they fill the house with whatever scent I need at the moment, changing the mood of the room…and me.

3.  Sally.

She always knows when I need to snuggle, & she’s right there, in my lap, in my face, purring like a rough motor, & determined to be as close as possible.

4. Hot water.  Whether a bath or shower, there is a calming that falls over me in the hot water. If my water heater was larger, I’d spend hours in the water. 

I also love the rain…something about it, whether the sound, the smell in the air, or watching the drops roll down the window – something just – hits me in the feels, when it rains.

5. Soft fabrics.  I’ve said before that I’m a tactile person. When I’m stressed, or anxious, soft, comfy fabrics, warm, fuzzy clothes & blankets… They work. Curl up in my chair, or snuggle up in bed, & I automatically feel better.

6. Crafts & home renovations.  I almost forgot! Crafting is like meditation for me, taking my attentions & stresses, & turning them to concentration on creating something new from bits & pieces. Home renovations are like that, too. Changing my surroundings to something more my taste, & doing something positive that will make my home a more soothing place. I’ve been painting walls in my home, going from a dirty beige to a clean, crisp, light grey. Knowing that I’m doing these things independently, accomplishing more every time I pick up the roller & brushes, the craft supplies, makes me feel good.  And the results show that I am making strides in changing my world & life for the better.

First time trying to post a home video…

And the cat you hear crying in the background? Chloe…OnlySon’s minion, trying to videobomb me…sheesh.

These methods don’t always work, but they do help most of the time. And when they don’t…

I deal.

Because I know that Time passes, & eventually… So does the anxiety.

It’s Not That Difficult to Let Go

Not anymore.

After all the times I’ve been left behind, it’s not that hard to walk away.

After all the times I’ve been lied to, it’s not hard to ignore the words.

I’m not quite sure when it happened; maybe when the promises were broken, over, and over, and over. 

Maybe when the excuses piled up so high, I couldn’t see over them to the truth, anymore.

Maybe it was when I realized that, no matter what I said, or did, they were all going to walk out and never come back.

Maybe…it was when I realized I was losing a part of myself every time one of them walked out. 

Maybe it was the self-blame I poured on myself, thinking that there must be something wrong with me, for them to all treat me as though I didn’t matter. As though my feelings were completely disposable.

Or the self-doubt that haunted me, when I was ghosted, and couldn’t get any answers to my questions as to why.

Maybe, it was when I realized that, if I kept going the way I had been…I was going to lose myself permanently.

So, I had to change a few things.

One of those things?

I can let go, now.

I can walk away, and it won’t hurt, this time.

Because I know it’ll never be what I truly need, what I’m really looking for.

You don’t love me, you never did.

You never will.

So, when the time comes…

I will let you go.

And not look back.

Starting From Zero

This time of year, I usually start to look inward, burrowing back into my turtle shell, & going even more introverted than normal.

(Yes, it’s possible, even with someone as non-social as me)

I’ve been exploring & studying more about the INFJ personality type, which is what I’m told I am.

And I’m learning that, I’m not “wrong”. I’m not “antisocial”. And I’m not something to be fixed.

I am fine the way I am. I like my space. I like being quiet, taking in my surroundings, listening to others more, when in a group setting, than in being talkative & social.

It’s not wrong that I don’t enjoy large crowds.

It’s not broken that I have a definite need to spend time alone to recharge after forcing myself to socialize.

It’s not sad, or tragic, or depressing that I have a small group of friends who I’m very close to, instead of a large contingent of “friendly acquaintances”.

There’s nothing broken, here, and I wish I could make certain people understand that. There’s no reason to try to change my personality or behaviors. Just because they don’t match what some think would be “better” for me.

The only person who knows what’s truly right for me is me.

But, these people who keep saying “You just need to get out there more”, & “Just be more friendly, smile more, be more of a morning person, you’ll feel better”.

No. I won’t.

That’s them, projecting what they want onto me.

That’s not me.

And I’m done placating them.

Be true to yourself. Whoever that is.

As long as your words & actions aren’t harming anyone else, then it’s not wrong.

This time of year, for me, is rather like starting from Zero. The year resets on Oct. 31, which is Pagan New Year, and I’m a clean slate. 

I feel as though my emotional batteries are bottomed out, which makes me want to “turtle up” even more. I need to recharge, reset my boundaries, my goals, my baselines.

So, having others tell me that they think there are things “wrong” with how I live my life…really twists the knife, right now.

I’m not having it.

I’m not broken.

I don’t need fixing, or changing.

And I won’t apologize for being who I am, anymore.

People Think I’m Joking

When I say that I’m introverted, I get rolling eyes, & scoffing laughter. Sometimes I get a full blown “HA! Yeah, right. Whatever.”

They don’t believe me, because all they see is my “business face”, or my public persona. I put on a pretty good show, for those I deal with at work & out with the public.

But for those precious few who know me outside the office, they know better.

They know that I’d rather spend an evening at home, curled up in my favorite chair, blanket snuggled, with a good book, or Netflix, and just be outside the public eye.
They know that I get overwhelmed in crowds, & have a tendency to work my way to the edges of gatherings, where the noise level drops, & there isn’t so much of the pressing of people on all sides.  The quicker to make my getaway…

They know that, given a choice, I’ll often back out of plans, citing reasons that might not make sense to anyone else, but to me, they’re the smokescreen for my real reason – I often prefer to just go home to my quiet space, rather than have to try to keep up the public image for more than the 8 hours required during the workweek.

And, those chosen few who abide within my innermost circle know…

Well, if you’re one of them, I don’t need to reiterate; and if you’re not, then I choose not to share that particular truth. 

Just because I might come off as an outgoing, sarcastic, self-deprecating, funny, blah, blah, extrovert…

Don’t get it twisted.

I’m an Innie, not an Outie.

And that’s not a problem to be “fixed”.

It’s just how I roll…like an armadillo…covered up & well-armored.