Mama, I’m Comin’ Home

I had a switch flipped inside my head today.

By the simple act of a friend posting a picture of the Dalai Lama to my facebook.

The Face of Zen

In that one instant, it was like an old fashioned camera flashbulb went off in my head, and I could suddenly see much more clearly what I’ve been doing for the last few days.

I’ve been kind of cranky.

Now, most people probably didn’t notice, because I hid it behind humor and/or sarcasm.  But I know, now, it was there.  A constant tension, anxiety and an aftertaste of anger that’s been squealing at the edges of my nerves for the last couple of weeks, at least.  I can feel the raw edges of my feelings still cringing at the thought of some of the things that I’ve felt/done/said over the last few days alone.

And I’d been surfing that wave of discordance like an old pro.  I used to live in that zone, that constant anger and anxiety and depression.  And occasionally, I slip back into old habits. 

It’s like an old, moth-eaten, sweater.  You look at it, and think, “Hmm, I’m a little chilly, this looks warm.” And you slide into it, forgetting that once on, it gets tangled on other things in your life, tearing more holes in the fabric meant to keep you warm, and besides, there’s just this constant… itch… that ends up beneath your skin, and you can’t reach it, and it irritates you till you either throw yourself up against the wall, drag yourself through thorns to scratch it, or you take the stupid sweater off.

I’ve also been getting little “messages” from my patron Goddess, Kwan Yin.

But I couldn’t hear them, because the other stuff, the depression, the anger, the anxiety, was ringing too loudly in my ears.  I had my “snark switch” set to 11.

And Kwan Yin has never been a pushy Goddess.  For me, she has always said “To hear the words, you must stop speaking, be silent and still, and listen.”

Today, after seeing the Dalai Lama’s smiling face, I remembered what drew me so strongly to Kwan Yin and Buddhism, strongly enough to add a flavor of that to my faith, and to take one of their Boddhisattva as my Patroness.

It’s the peace.  The stillness of being and the love that radiates from within.  It’s the message of tolerance, hope and acceptance that everyone can be whole unto themselves, without needing someone else to complete them, but that the companionship is lovely.  It’s the warmth of the Goddess’ arms around me when I need solace, and her gentle nudging when I stray from the path I set for myself.  And I can lay down the anger, the anxiety, and the depression into her arms, and she molds them into light, into energy to be used constructively, instead of destructively.

I’ve been nudged back on the path.  Mama Kwan Yin?  I’m coming home.

Thanks for the reminder, Mark. I appreciate it.  I needed that.

But then again, I hear that’s what big brothers are for.