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One of my friends got me thinking really hard the other night about human nature.

How people never really change, but just become more fully who they were to begin with. 

I’ve been struggling lately, trying to reconcile past, with present, and future.  And Monday night, as I sat at my laptop, trying to write this post…. my computer froze solid.

Wouldn’t let me work on it at all.  I couldn’t chat with a friend, although I could see her attempt to contact me; I couldn’t search for something that I wanted to use in this post, even though I could type the words I was searching for in the google bar; and even the words that I did get written into the post, were gobbled up into the ether, which I’m now trying to reproduce.

I think it was the Fate’s way of telling me to “Sleep on it”.  And so, I did.

Truth is?  I don’t have any answers yet.  I know certain things about myself now, that I didn’t when this started, but I’m not 100% certain of where I’m going.  I do know, that I’m not done working on figuring it out.

I don’t know what the truth is, behind everything, yet.

But I know that I’ll find it.  Eventually.

I don’t know what’ll happen next.

But I know that I’ll be ready for it. 

I don’t know, whether my life will stay the same.

But I do know, that I will be stronger when I come out the other side.

I don’t know if this is simply the next step, the next test.

But I do know, that my balance has been wiped out for now.

All is chaos inside my brain.

But I’ll figure it out.

THIS is not my first “trial by fire”.  The Goddess has tested me before.  And I will figure out the path I need to follow.

It’s not about what’s “Fated”.  I believe that we create our own destiny. 

I also believe that people can and do change in their lives.  It happens every day. 

I used to be a mean, ornery, snotty, arrogant, angry girl.  You may not believe it, but I was.  I know it, because there are things in my past that I did… that were not nice.  I’ve had the opportunity to apologize for some of them, and it felt really good.  But I still did them, once upon a time.

I’m still ornery, but in a more zen kind of way.  There’s a snap of snark occasionally, but it’s not mean anymore.  I’ve changed.  I’ve grown up, and I’ve learned how to work through my life, without totally burning down everything around me. 

So, if I go quiet, please don’t fret.  I’m merely working through a particularly sticky part of the knot.  Most likely, I’ll be lurking, wandering through the shadows, muttering to myself and most likely pulling hair out in clumps.

I will be here.


4 thoughts on “Fate?

  1. lol…I’ve been similarly kicked off the computer when trying to do something, and need to either attend to something else, or “sleep on it”. I hate when that happens, but I guess it’s Mom’s way of keeping me in line!

    Don’t be too hard on yourself about how you used to be. I wasn’t any different. I think life just wears those sharp edges away like water in a river. That whole water theme has really been going through my head a lot lately, and has helped me put a lot of things in perspective.

    Water can’t wear away the ornery though…and thank goodness for small favors! If it wasn’t for the orneriness I’ve retained, I wouldn’t have survived the last 10 years. Who knew it would be so helpful!? 😉

  2. Quit lurking and stop pulling your hair out! Muttering is OK…I mutter all the time. I’m muttering right now. My Mothers Mutters. Her Mother Muttered. It’s OK to be snarky. To recap. Snarky and Muttering good, lurking and hair pulling bad. There will be a quiz later. Please do not turn me into a Newt again! 🙂

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