Life is funny, sometimes.
There are certain moments, when suddenly, a light gets turned on. It swivels and swirls around, lighting up corners you’d forgotten about. Illuminating things you’d not seen before, and showing you dirt you never cleaned up.
There are “halogen spotlights” in my house right now. Searchlights, pinning down issues that I’ve been glossing over, hoping that if I couldn’t see them? They’d simply fade into the shadows and disappear. Trying to convince myself that everything is fine? Isn’t working. And I hate the way it makes me feel to lie to others about the state of things. Saying it’s perfect, don’t make it so.
I’ve been sleepwalking for a long time, hoping that things would magickally get better… all by themselves. But that kind of magick doesn’t exist.
Stirring up the old demons from my childhood has stirred up other things here – issues with my spouse, that I simply can’t take anymore. I’m not sure where it’s headed, or what will get done about it.
I won’t make hasty decisions.
I’m not that kind of person.
When I chose my e-cigarette to help me quit smoking in 2009, it took me almost 6 weeks of research and comparisons to decide on a stick containing nicotine. Simple stuff, but I wanted to make sure that whatever I chose – would be right for me.
Same process applies here, only much more so. I need to figure out where I am, where I’m going, where I actually want to be, and what I want. Actually, I’m pretty sure I know what I want, it’s just a matter of getting all the cards to fall in the right order.
I’ve been doing some serious soul-searching, in many directions, and it’s not been very pretty. Things on this blog might look a little different for a while. *shrug* But, it is what it is, and I can’t help but write what I’m feeling in the moment. That – is who I am.
Therapy, even blog therapy, sucks, sometimes. But the demons need to be destroyed. And that house of cards? Isn’t ever permanent. They all fall down – eventually.