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House of Cards

Life is funny, sometimes.

There are certain moments, when suddenly, a light gets turned on.  It swivels and swirls around, lighting up corners you’d forgotten about.  Illuminating things you’d not seen before, and showing you dirt you never cleaned up.

There are “halogen spotlights” in my house right now.  Searchlights, pinning down issues that I’ve been glossing over, hoping that if I couldn’t see them?  They’d simply fade into the shadows and disappear.  Trying to convince myself that everything is fine?  Isn’t working.  And I hate the way it makes me feel to lie to others about the state of things.  Saying it’s perfect, don’t make it so.

I’ve been sleepwalking for a long time, hoping that things would magickally get better… all by themselves.  But that kind of magick doesn’t exist.

Stirring up the old demons from my childhood has stirred up other things here – issues with my spouse, that I simply can’t take anymore.  I’m not sure where it’s headed, or what will get done about it.

I won’t make hasty decisions.

I’m not that kind of person.

When I chose my e-cigarette to help me quit smoking in 2009, it took me almost 6 weeks of research and comparisons to decide on a stick containing nicotine.  Simple stuff, but I wanted to make sure that whatever I chose – would be right for me.

Same process applies here, only much more so.  I need to figure out where I am, where I’m going, where I actually want to be, and what I want.  Actually, I’m pretty sure I know what I want, it’s just a matter of getting all the cards to fall in the right order.

I’ve been doing some serious soul-searching, in many directions, and it’s not been very pretty.  Things on this blog might look a little different for a while.  *shrug*  But, it is what it is, and I can’t help but write what I’m feeling in the moment.  That – is who I am.

Therapy, even blog therapy, sucks, sometimes.  But the demons need to be destroyed.  And that house of cards?  Isn’t ever permanent.  They all fall down – eventually.

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12 thoughts on “House of Cards

  1. Brea -aka Demon Slayer- you’ll get every last one of those nasty buggers…and I’ll be here as back-up whenever you need it (I have a wicked roundhouse). ; )

    • I’m glad you can high kick. Cause, I’d pull something, and then I’d be REALLY pissed.

      Thanks, my flexible, high-head-kicking friend!

      • lmao…once I was showing my cheerleaders how to do a proper high kick and hit my face with my leg….I honestly had a dark purple bruise on my cheek for two weeks!!! So…I have proven I can kick the shit out of myself…

      • I can believe that. LOL, all it takes is a little high kick… and possibly some Crown and a mirror… nuff said.

  2. I think, Brea, when said and done, you have a whole team of Ninja Bloggers behind you, who are ready to support you in any way. It takes a lot of courage, and it takes a lot of time – oh, time – to change circumstances, but the fact that you are taking circumstances into your hands, instead of letting it all dictate you, is admirable. You are not a victim, you are a fighter. Thank you for that example.

    With that said, this post was written wonderfully. I am always amazed what charged emotions can write. Sometimes I look through my private journal entries, and I wish I could get that into my regular writing! I admire this. You put words together so well. I can relate. I get it. Thank you.

      • I think mine would have to be “Yu Dy Nau”. Yes, the razor wit and flying words of death work quite nicely. I’ve used them on many occasions in my past, at one time earning me the nickname of “The Dragon Lady”.

    • My life has always been a struggle between passive/aggressive. I’ve been passive for far too many years – now, I think it’s time for some of the aggressive.

  3. If you ever feel like you are gonna fall from the weight of all this, I know you got a LOT of great people here waiting to catch you! Keep that in mind, no matter what happens. I think there is a time in everyone’s lives where things become very clear and where you have to decide to do what is best for YOU. Whatever happens, we love you and are here to support you.

    • Thanks, bro. The decisions won’t be easy, but whatever gets done, I’ll know I tried to make it the best one for myself and my children.

  4. In all serious, Brea, you know I’m currently in counseling. It. Is. NOT. Easy. But I do it, every week on Weds.

    We’ve talked very briefly on our spouses and what we’re feeling; remember uncanny twins. I know exactly where you’re at, and, where you’re coming from. You have much support from me, and others here.

    Do it. Get to it. and come out kicking ass on the other side.

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