Home » anxiety » Monday – Inside my head

Monday – Inside my head

I have a friend who’s always asking me “What’s going on inside that head of yours?”

Scary question, most of the time.  But I’ll share a little of what’s been going on up there for the last few days, in bits and pieces.  Toned down, of course, to keep it safe for public consumption.

*Found Waldo.  Why does he feel it necessary to still be playing “hide and seek” at his age??  And why am I still compelled to find him, at my age??

He was actually at the local B & N this weekend, and I snapped this picture on my phone.  He read for story time, to help support some of the local literacy programs.  But I got a big chuckle out of seeing him wander the store, complete with round, black glasses and cane.  He was like the Pied Piper, with little kids following him everywhere he went.

*Speaking of Saturday.  *sigh*  Best. Day. Ever.  Got to have coffee (chai for me) with the inquisitive friend, and spent hours talking.  Very most wonderful afternoon.

*My Eldest’s birthday is next Sunday.  She turns 20.  *gasp*  It’s really been that long, already??  This picture?   ——–>

I would swear I took this picture yesterday.

And now, she’s living on her own, a beautiful, capable young woman. 

 In one week’s time, she won’t be a teenager anymore, she’ll be a 20-something.

Happy birthday, Peanut.

I am so proud of you.

*Even though there are some definitely murky areas of my life right now, and demons still waiting to be slain, I’m feeling pretty good.  I know that this is a lull in the storm, as I haven’t really hit the biggest stuff yet.  I’ll take the moment to breathe.

* I discovered a hidden truth about myself this weekend.  I don’t like to fight, not really big confrontations – but I can really get a charge out of little arguments.  Gets the blood pressure up, the adrenaline flowing, and my brain whirring.  Fuel for the flame, so to speak.  Mock fights and teasing are a great way to get me fired up about stuff.   Tawanda, the name of my alter-ego, got to engage in a little mock fisticuffs, and I felt that old sparkle rekindle in my eye again.  I have great friends.  They let me out to play once in a while, without taking everything personally.  I need to be able to tease once in a while.  I grew up with it in my family and in my house.  I love the sarcastic back and forth, without malice, of course.  I don’t like hurting others, but I do love the funny, easy banter.  It’s something that’s been missing for a long time, as the spouse takes everything as a personal slam. 

*I’m slowly working my way to a point where I really don’t care what my family thinks about the stuff that’s going on in my life.  What I choose, who I am, where I’m going, really isn’t up to them, it’s up to me.  And I deserve to be happy, instead of being made to feel guilty that I don’t want the same things for myself that they think I should have.  I haven’t quite gotten up the nerve to confront them yet, but I’m working on it.  Again, with the support and help of great friends.

And, for the biggie.

*I’m pretty sure I’m going to be making a major life change soon.  Life is upside down, and I’m not really ready to comment on it here yet, but when the demons get let out of the closet… they all come tumbling out.  Gotta slay them one at a time, but you gotta get them all.  No sense in putting any of them back in the closet once they’re out in the light.  That just prolongs the pain.


11 thoughts on “Monday – Inside my head

  1. Your last 3 sentences say it all…..and you are so right on all counts. Leaving demons in the closet, or heaven forbid, putting demons back into the closet….can do no good. They might help others, but will not help you. At some point in life, we need to do whatever we have to in order to take care of ourselves. I am slowly starting to do this myself. Congrats to your beautiful daughter. As the Dad of a 20yr old daughter myself, I know the sadness you must feel that your little girl is no longer a teen. Cute that you call her Peanut…… I call my daughter Hannah Banana….. Which she always tells me she HATES…cause she is 20!!! Not a kid anymore!!….. oh well….. Good luck as you face those pesky demons in the coming weeks or months. You will make it through. 🙂

    • LOL, she was given the nickname Peanut by me when just a baby… big head, itty bitty body, big…b—, well, since she’s 20 now, I shouldn’t finish that sentence anymore, hunh?

      Thanks, Mark. You’ve been a great support and source of laughter. I appreciate that more than you know, big bro.

  2. I’m with Mark, your last three sentences say it all. You are such an awesome person Brea. I have no doubt you will slay what needs slaying…uh, in the metaphorical sense, of course.


      • As long as we can say it all in silly English accents, we can say anything we please!

  3. I’m so happy for you….emphasis on “you”….it’s about time you look after yourself and YOUR happiness!!! : )

    • Yes, I’m planning on changing my name to Yu Dai Nau, super sneaky ninja queen. I’m just waiting on the nunchucks and ninja slippers (I have special therapuetic ones on order!) 😉

  4. I love this post. And you know I’m here for you with whatever you need. Love you Brea.
    P.S. Can I just keep one lil teeny tiny demon in my closet to fight with if I’ve had a bad day? puleeeeeeezze

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