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Random Moments of Fiction and Pain

I feel like a fraud, lately.

I’ve been struggling, emotionally, trying to figure out what my life really is, who I am, and where I’m going.  And in the process, people are getting hurt.

Because I’ve been sleeping, or rather, pretending to sleep, for a long time.

And I know that I’m as equally at fault as anyone else.

Because I let it happen.

I stayed silent, where once – I would have been speaking my mind.

I let things slide, where once – I would have taken a stand.

And I buried my own needs, emotional and otherwise, for the good of others.

I was raised to believe that everyone else’s happiness was more important than my own.  That, if there was time, in my spare moments, I could etch out a little happiness for myself, but to make sure that everyone else was seen to first.  Because it was all about helping others realize their potential happiness.

Being a good hostess, being a good friend, being a good daughter, sister, cousin, being a good mother and wife.  Making sure that the family had all the best I could give them, no matter the cost.  Being the caretaker and the guide.  The teacher and the counselor.  These were the things that mattered most.  Your own happiness is always secondary, an afterthought.

I know that some might call this a mid-life crisis, and try to write it off as a momentary flash of insanity.  But that’s not true.

It’s actually a flash of sanity, in an insane life.

I wrote to some friends that:

“There is no one, single defining moment that can be found, explained, or defended. There is only the moment when suddenly, one day, you wake up and wonder where you are, how you got here, and who the hell is that looking back at you in the mirror.

I woke up recently. And I’m still not sure I like the person in the mirror.

So, I’m setting out to change my reflection to one that I can not just live with, but respect, and have confidence in. And the only person that can make those changes – is me.”

This is the reason why I chose to do fiction last week, because the headspace I was in, was not really for public consumption.  Fiction was so much safer than real life.

Last night, I told my husband of almost 13 years, that I want a divorce.  And I moved down into the basement bedroom, to provide us both with some space.  The living situation in our city right now, is not really conducive to either of us leaving at this time.  There’s almost literally, nowhere to go.  And so, I’ve moved to the spare bedroom, recently vacated by EldestDaughter.

So please, dear readers, forgive me if I lapse into random moments of fiction now and again.  Sometimes, truth is more painful than fiction.

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25 thoughts on “Random Moments of Fiction and Pain

  1. I don’t know if it is a generational thing or something else, but I was raised in a very similar manner, that everyone and everything was way more important that my own wants and needs. It is very, very hard to go from that mindset to one where you can own your own life and feel good about it because so much tends to get all torn up and thrown out of place in the process. It is a hard path to tread, but I’m so much happier for it and would walk it again to be where I am in this moment. Do not apologize for the things you must do or say to get there. That is one of the first steps in acknowledging that you are in control of your own happiness and are worthy of it. You are an amazingly brave and strong woman. You will get through this and find a world with so much more color and light on the other side. {{{hugs}}}

    • Changing a whole life’s worth of training and upbringing isn’t easy, but I did it once, when I started studying Wicca. This? Different, but the same, sorta…

      Thanks, my friend.

  2. Oh my Dear Friend….I am so sorry you are going through this. You know I will support you 100% in anything you decide to do. I know this had to be a gut-wrenching decision for you to make, especially with children involved. I know a little of what you must be experiencing. Even with my being horribly miserable, it was a tough decision to end my first marriage. You have a lot of friends on here that love and support you, so please do not feel like you are all alone. Anytime you need a shoulder, just holler!

    • Thanks, Mark. I truly appreciate everything you’ve done for me, and thank you for being my BigBlogBrother. You are an amazing friend.

  3. I own the tee-shirt so know that sometimes it will be too tight. It will get dirty, it will get holes, you will at times hate it. But somewhere along the line you will realize it has become your favorite shirt. .. because you earned it.

  4. I know you don’t know me, and I have no right to comment on your life. It just seemed weird to read such a personal post and not comment, as if I hadn’t been here or something. And I want to say that I understand. I’ve been there. My realization that I was living for other people and not myself wasn’t that long ago. Where it didn’t change my relationship with my husband, I almost destroyed myself medically while neglecting my own needs for the “needs” of others. Its hard…so hard…to start over, to get things right for yourself for a change, but it MUST be done. You have the courage to do it. My heart is with you.

    • Thank you. I really do appreciate the kind words and thoughts. It is extremely hard to hold back, just that “little bit” for yourself. But I’m learning that if you don’t, you end up burying yourself. I still want to help the ones I love, but I’m going to stop sacrificing myself to do it.

  5. Always thinking of you.
    And even right now as you embark on this stranger and somewhat harder journey, inturn you will still be helping people through your story to be stong and brave.
    Your friend,
    Marina

  6. Hugs to you sweetie. I too have been there. Like Mark, I was miserable in my first marriage and stayed much longer than I should have. The words you’ve written strike such a chord with me … even though I took those first steps to achieve some measure of happiness for myself, I’m still muddling through and too many times find myself giving too much of myself to everyone else.

    Know that you have friends here (some newer than others 😉 ) who will understand and are happy to explore this new path by your side. Take care of yourself dear, the rest will follow.

    • Thanks so much, it’s truly a blessing that I’ve found so many wonderful friends through blogging. And I truly appreciate you all.

  7. One of the hardest things to do in life sometimes is to make yourself happy. And life isn’t much fun without being happy now is it? I want to say congrats and I wish you lots of strength on your journey to happiness.

    • Thanks, Laura! I’m so glad I found your blog, you make me laugh every single day… Oh, except of course when there’s a tragic dino death.

  8. Wow, this sounded so familiar in my way back other life. I posted a poem I wrote about this situation just yesterday on my blog “DiAnne’s Place” called “Our Lady of Peace Place” about what happened to me trying to please everyone but myself etc, etc. when you blow all your fuses and finally have to escape from martyrville and make major changes in your life. You will get through this and you will be better for it. Strength, friendship and love on your path!
    DiAnne

  9. Odd my friend, that after this weekend and the realization that I don’t have any time to do for me, that I’m doing for 8 people, and that there is only one of me…that I don’t like everyone thinking that “Mom” or “Wife” will fix everything, do everything, hell with the fact that I’m actually a living breathing person who stesses out to the max if I can’t do all of this. WTF? Also, I realized that I don’t like who I am at this period of time. I want out. Is it considered taking the proverbial, “Taking the Easy Way Out?” I don’t think so. It’s not an easy decision. A lot is indeed my fault. They all take their demeanor from how I personally am acting, and even talking. What I see, I don’t like. Peering though a looking glass, via them? Yes. I believe so. What a wake up call.
    So my dear friend…I totally understand. Dive into the fiction and write your future.
    Brightest of all Blessings to you, Brea
    ~Fae

    • Oh, my friend. (HUGS) to you. I’m sorry you-re having to go through this as well, but I wish for you the strength you need to see you through to the other side, standing tall and strong.

      Much love and blessings.

  10. Divorce is a tough decision, but once the decision is made things only get better. I put off a divorce for 2 years and the only thing I regret is not doing it sooner.

    Hugs & happy thoughts.

    • Thanks. Things are…. awkward, and there’s lots of those tough moments these days. But I will get through this. I have to.

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