I had a small epiphany last night, but I’m not sure what to make of it just yet. Nor am I sure how this changes anything in my life, or if it affects anything other than my attitude toward the situation of my home life.
Someone commented to me the other day, that it was kind of strange to them how my husband wasn’t seeking any way to preserve our marriage, hang on to the “family”. That he wasn’t trying to get us into some form of marriage counselling, or mediation, or even simply sitting down between the 2 of us and trying to “talk it out” to see if it would make the situation salvageable.
I brushed it off at the time, because the truth, as far as I see it, was too painful.
Simply put, he doesn’t care enough to work for it.
I’m at the point in this process, where I don’t want to turn back, couldn’t turn back, even if he begged me to stay. We crossed that line in the sand a couple of weeks ago, when I told him I was going to talk to a lawyer, and see about filing for divorce. Emotionally, I’m cooked. And you can’t undo that.
Yes, I am the one that said I want out. I’m the one that stopped the machine in its tracks and said “No more”.
There was a reason for that. I felt as though I was no longer a person in his life that required, or deserved, in his eyes, his affection or attention. All the affection was saved for OnlySon.
I’m not jealous of my child. I’m not. I have enough affection and love inside me for many people. I don’t hoard it like a miser for only one individual.
But, this disregard for me, this indifference as to whether or not I stay or go…..
My self-confidence has taken a massive nose-dive.
Confession: I haven’t written on my book in weeks. I keep telling people that I’m just “too busy”. That’s not it, not entirely. Part of it is that I suddenly feel as if it’s not worth it. That it’s not ever going to be good enough, simply because I wrote it.
I’m hesitant when interacting with people that I used to be confident around, because I’m suddenly not sure that what I’m saying matters all that much.
I second-guess almost everything I do and say, over-analyzing it, and generally driving myself crazy with self-doubt.
And I can’t just “stop it”. It’s not easy to stop doing something, simply because you will it to be different. Changing your perspective, especially when it comes to your own self-image, is difficult, and painful, as it forces you to look pretty deep into your own psyche, to see what is really at the bottom of it all.
I’ve been too busy looking for my own self-worth in other people’s eyes, instead of looking within. But I’ve relied on others for so long to help me define WHO I am, that I’m unsure of where to start again with being independent.
This is not really something that anyone else can help me with, because then I’m relying on another’s opinion of me again to help me feel better about myself. I need to find the worth, the value, in myself… for myself.
I’m not asking for pity, or for reassurance, which I know that you, my friends, would kick me in the heiney for doubting myself. (Yes, Mark, YOU)
All I ask, is this: If you have someone in your life that you love…. tell them. Don’t wait till it’s too late. Let them know how you feel – A LOT. Never let them doubt whether they mean something to you. Say the words.
I am a work in progress. Mind the falling objects.