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An Epiphany ~But no Answers

I had a small epiphany last night, but I’m not sure what to make of it just yet.  Nor am I sure how this changes anything in my life, or if it affects anything other than my attitude toward the situation of my home life.

Someone commented to me the other day, that it was kind of strange to them how my husband wasn’t seeking any way to preserve our marriage, hang on to the “family”.  That he wasn’t trying to get us into some form of marriage counselling, or mediation, or even simply sitting down between the 2 of us and trying to “talk it out” to see if it would make the situation salvageable.

I brushed it off at the time, because the truth, as far as I see it, was too painful.

Simply put, he doesn’t care enough to work for it.

I’m at the point in this process, where I don’t want to turn back, couldn’t turn back, even if he begged me to stay.  We crossed that line in the sand a couple of weeks ago, when I told him I was going to talk to a lawyer, and see about filing for divorce.  Emotionally, I’m cooked.  And you can’t undo that.

Yes, I am the one that said I want out.  I’m the one that stopped the machine in its tracks and said “No more”.

There was a reason for that.  I felt as though I was no longer a person in his life that required, or deserved, in his eyes, his affection or attention.  All the affection was saved for OnlySon.

I’m not jealous of my child.  I’m not.  I have enough affection and love inside me for many people.  I don’t hoard it like a miser for only one individual. 

But, this disregard for me, this indifference as to whether or not I stay or go…..

My self-confidence has taken a massive nose-dive.

Confession:  I haven’t written on my book in weeks.  I keep telling people that I’m just “too busy”.  That’s not it, not entirely.  Part of it is that I suddenly feel as if it’s not worth it.  That it’s not ever going to be good enough, simply because I wrote it. 

I’m hesitant when interacting with people that I used to be confident around, because I’m suddenly not sure that what I’m saying matters all that much.

I second-guess almost everything I do and say, over-analyzing it, and generally driving myself crazy with self-doubt. 

And I can’t just “stop it”.  It’s not easy to stop doing something, simply because you will it to be different.  Changing your perspective, especially when it comes to your own self-image, is difficult, and painful, as it forces you to look pretty deep into your own psyche, to see what is really at the bottom of it all.

I’ve been too busy looking for my own self-worth in other people’s eyes, instead of looking within.  But I’ve relied on others for so long to help me define WHO I am, that I’m unsure of where to start again with being independent.

This is not really something that anyone else can help me with, because then I’m relying on another’s opinion of me again to help me feel better about myself.  I need to find the worth, the value, in myself… for myself. 

I’m not asking for pity, or for reassurance, which I know that you, my friends, would kick me in the heiney for doubting myself. (Yes, Mark, YOU) 

All I ask, is this:  If you have someone in your life that you love…. tell them.  Don’t wait till it’s too late.  Let them know how you feel – A LOT.  Never let them doubt whether they mean something to you.  Say the words.

I am a work in progress.  Mind the falling objects.

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15 thoughts on “An Epiphany ~But no Answers

  1. Oh hunny, I feel for you. I was in your shoes ten years ago. Can I tell you a secret? Sometimes men don’t have the guts to end relationships so they make life impossible until the woman is in a position where she has no choice but to end it.
    I too had to end things and end up being the ‘bad guy’ . But do you know what? I am now stupendously happy and back to the person I used to be before my self confidence was knocked out of me by sticking far too long in a relationship that had no room for me.
    My epiphany came when I read in my diary that I had stood outside a menswear store while my husband shopped for clothes for himself as I, apparently, embarrassed him. I cried when I read this as I couldn’t relate to this beat down woman that was prepared to lower herself to this level of obedience.
    My husband did not want to go to any marital therapy either because he didn’t want to be in the marriage. There was no point.

    It sucks don’t it?
    But let me reassure you that if you can manage to walk through this fire and be the hero of the piece ( sometimes being the bad guy is actually being the hero) you will be able to reinvent yourself and be a better person. But it will take time.
    It is so worth it.

    If it makes any difference, my ex husband and I are on better terms now as human beings than we ever were when we were married and I can honestly say that he shows me ‘nuf respect. He now recognizes that I am a good woman.
    And my new man… sigh.

    Lets just say I sooo traded up.

  2. Totally understandable. What you have had for so many years is crumbling at the moment. When the dust has cleared, you will rebuild, in your own way, and you will again be happy. The biggest thing is that you are taking care of yourself rather than staying in an unhappy situation for endless years. You are doing the right thing and will be ok.

    • Thanks, Mark. I appreciate all the support, and the encouragement. It’s tough, but it helps to have all you guys listening and cheering me on.

  3. I didn’t realize the psychological damage that my ex did until after we split. Before, I’d been relatively self-confident and independent and, for the most part, pretty comfortable in my own skin. But after 4 years of being with him and the constant, indirect comments about just not being good enough at ANYTHING, that feeling of self was completely eroded. It took me at least a year to start feeling better about who I was becoming, but I still struggle with some of the issues that took root during the time I was with him (13 years later). I think the one thing that helped me the most was to remember that I had proof that the strong, confident woman still existed in the simple fact that I had the ability to demand better for myself by saying enough was enough and asking him to leave. Finding that person that you were or are going to be (because really, you won’t be her any more, she has changed, learned and grown into something much better) is a work in progress. Acknowledging even the tiniest bits that show you that you that you ARE worthy and capable will go a long way to allowing you to see yourself the way many, many others already do, an incredibly strong, brave, wonderful woman who has the ability and intelligence to live her life the way she deserves.

    • It’s amazing how I didn’t see the changes, they were so gradual, and I guess I was too close to the mirror the whole time. Now that I’ve backed up a bit… life needs to be different than it is, and I’ll get there.

      And yes, admitting that there needs to be a change, and taking those steps to cause that change, is a HUGE step forward.

    • Oh, the path is started, it’s the walking down it in the dark that’s got me spooked.
      Slow and easy, and I’ll get there. Thanks!

  4. Sweetie, you have already found some value/worth in yourself. You had enough of it to say “I’m done” and dredge up the courage to begin to start over. How is that not worth something?

    I still clearly remember the day I knew there was no fixing my previous marriage. My ex used manipulation and words to try and control me. Too often I let him. I kept fighting to try and make things work, all the while being told “you are the only one with a problem, I’m perfect”. I was too insecure at the time to have the confidence to start over.

    But the day the ass came home, started trying to push my buttons, and was completely unsuccessful? I just sat there thinking to myself “wow, I should be near livid by now and I really don’t give a damn!” I knew then it was over and regardless of how scary it was to be on my own, I had to get out … and get my daughter away from him.

    I don’t know what exactly it was that led me to that mindset, and it doesn’t really matter. I got out, I survived, and I flourished. And so shall you dear. *hugs*

    • People so often think that “Hate” is the opposite of Love. It’s not. It’s “Indifference”.

      And you’re right, it really doesn’t matter what gets you to that mindset. What matters is what you do with it. Time to get out, get moving, and get a new life. Thanks. (HUGS)

      • So very true. One cannot hate another without some sort of love first being attached. I hated my ex for a long time but it was the total indifference that signaled the time to go.

        I wish for you to have peace of mind and that you become secure in the knowledge that you have a worth no one can take away. You do know this, deep in your heart. You only need to listen … it’s difficult at first, that voice is so small. But over time it grows and eventually it will be screaming to the world how wonderful you are. And it will be a pleasant surprise to find that it’s your voice doing the screaming. 😉

  5. This too will change. It takes time to rebuild yourself after a divorce even if it’s for the best. You will have down days where you second guess your decision, but as the days pass you will get stronger and more confident in yourself. Hang in there!

    • I haven’t regretted the decision at all, it’s the fallout that causes me to pause. And the questions about what happens next. But thanks, the support I’ve gotten from my friends has been most appreciated.

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