Especially when it’s useless stuff.
But lately, I’ve been writing a lot of notes to self, instead.
Some of them, are very helpful, seeing as how I’m pretty much doin’ things on my own now.
* Make sure you write down the size of furnace filters we need. You only have one left. You’re gonna need more in about a month. Don’t forget, or the furnace starts to whistle like a teapot. Teapot whistling is bad.
* Plug in all the new phones…. and don’t forget to unplug them tomorrow. Service is scheduled to start up on Tuesday. Make sure you carry both phones on Tuesday. You can’t be without a phone for a whole day, now that you’re basically a single parent. Phoneless is bad.
And then… there’s the other stuff. Stuff I remember, or that simply rattle around in my brain, until I get a logical answer to questions I’m asking myself…. and they’re not all easy questions, nor do I know if I’m going to find answers, rational or otherwise. Because the questions are more about emotions, and that’s not logical, or rational, at all.
* Why am I so bothered that “he” doesn’t show more emotion over the divorce? He’s been pleasant, too much so, and it’s got me confused, and angry. I know that I wanted the divorce to be amicable, and I don’t want to fight with him anymore, nor do I want to reconcile. His coldness, and lack of affection, was one of the reasons why I decided I couldn’t stay in the marriage anymore, anyway. Maybe, it’s the fact that it’s been 14 years of my life. And now… it’s just…. poof. Or maybe, I just want some sign of feeling, some regret. Some sense that I meant something.
* I’ve been having such vivid dreams, the last few nights. It’s been a long time since they were this real and colorful. And they’re not nightmares. This means something. This means…. that I’m starting to open up again. I’m not all bound up inside, like I was, repressing everything. Even though some of the dreams have been strange, like the “vampire slaying” dream… I was with old friends, working toward slaying demons. Sounds like exactly what I’ve been working on, only with less pointy teeth, and more internal psychobabble.
* Why have I fallen so far behind on reading others’ blogs? Why have I stopped socializing? I think, maybe, it’s because I don’t like putting my problems on others. I keep telling people that “I’m fine”. I’m not, but I’ve always hated asking for help, for any reason. I need to work on that. I also need to stay in contact with others, on purpose, until I get to the point where I don’t have to think about it, I just do it. I’ve just been so tired, and when I’m exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally, I just can’t summon the will to work at it. I’m going to work at it anyway.
* Why have I stopped working on my crafts? I have a tree I started, another wire tree, and I put it up and left it. I know that I’ve been busy, but working on my craft projects makes me happy, and I put that away. I have to stop putting away that which makes me happy.
Yeah, it’s time to start working on the book again, too. I’ve been thinking about it a lot… storyline and plot, characters and focus. Focus. I need more of that. Can I order that online??
Note to Self: Start living your life again. It’s time.