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Note to Self

I’m usually pretty good at remembering stuff.

Especially when it’s useless stuff.

But lately, I’ve been writing a lot of notes to self, instead. 

Some of them, are very helpful, seeing as how I’m pretty much doin’ things on my own now.

Like….

* Make sure you write down the size of furnace filters we need.  You only have one left.  You’re gonna need more in about a month.  Don’t forget, or the furnace starts to whistle like a teapot.  Teapot whistling is bad.

* Plug in all the new phones…. and don’t forget to unplug them tomorrow.  Service is scheduled to start up on Tuesday.  Make sure you carry both phones on Tuesday.  You can’t be without a phone for a whole day, now that you’re basically a single parent.  Phoneless is bad.

And then… there’s the other stuff.  Stuff I remember, or that simply rattle around in my brain, until I get a logical answer to questions I’m asking myself…. and they’re not all easy questions, nor do I know if I’m going to find answers, rational or otherwise.  Because the questions are more about emotions, and that’s not logical, or rational, at all.

*  Why am I so bothered that “he” doesn’t show more emotion over the divorce?  He’s been pleasant, too much so, and it’s got me confused, and angry.  I know that I wanted the divorce to be amicable, and I don’t want to fight with him anymore, nor do I want to reconcile.  His coldness, and lack of affection, was one of the reasons why I decided I couldn’t stay in the marriage anymore, anyway.  Maybe, it’s the fact that it’s been 14 years of my life.  And now… it’s just…. poof.  Or maybe, I just want some sign of feeling, some regret.  Some sense that I meant something.

*  I’ve been having such vivid dreams, the last few nights.  It’s been a long time since they were this real and colorful.  And they’re not nightmares.  This means something.  This means…. that I’m starting to open up again.  I’m not all bound up inside, like I was, repressing everything.  Even though some of the dreams have been strange, like the “vampire slaying” dream… I was with old friends, working toward slaying demons.  Sounds like exactly what I’ve been working on, only with less pointy teeth, and more internal psychobabble.

*  Why have I fallen so far behind on reading others’ blogs?  Why have I stopped socializing?  I think, maybe, it’s because I don’t like putting my problems on others.  I keep telling people that “I’m fine”.  I’m not, but I’ve always hated asking for help, for any reason.  I need to work on that.  I also need to stay in contact with others, on purpose, until I get to the point where I don’t have to think about it, I just do it.  I’ve just been so tired, and when I’m exhausted, mentally, physically, and emotionally, I just can’t summon the will to work at it.  I’m going to work at it anyway.

*  Why have I stopped working on my crafts?  I have a tree I started, another wire tree, and I put it up and left it.  I know that I’ve been busy, but working on my craft projects makes me happy, and I put that away.  I have to stop putting away that which makes me happy.

Yeah, it’s time to start working on the book again, too.  I’ve been thinking about it a lot… storyline and plot, characters and focus.  Focus.  I need more of that.  Can I order that online??

Note to Self:  Start living your life again.  It’s time.

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9 thoughts on “Note to Self

  1. Not that it helps, but I know EXACTLY how you feel. I was passionless in my marriage too. Then I found passion again in a new relationship ~ which ended very painfully. I’ve had those same questions, and personal reminders, and then eventually, proud moments where I learned that I can actually DO THIS alone. Perhaps we need to find passion in ourselves, and then the right person will come along to share it? However, the chest crushing sadness I feel when I realize that it’s so easy to walk away… it’s hard to overcome that, and yes, it makes me tired. Good luck with moving on. Just know, you aren’t alone, even if you feel like you are. I hate the saying “misery loves company” because I don’t want to be miserable… But it’s nice to know someone else “gets it.”

    • Thank you. And yes, it is, oddly, a comfort to know that others “get it”, even though I wouldn’t wish this feeling on anyone else. Thanks so much for your kind words.

  2. Good to see things are slowly falling into place for you. Don’t put too much thought into the husbands apparent lack of emotion. A lot of guys will bury their true emotions. I would hope that he deep down realizes that he is losing the best thing to ever happen to him.

    • Thanks, BigBro. I know there’s more “under the surface”, and I know, too, that it’s kind of stupid. I wanted this divorce, I pursued it, and no, I don’t want to go back. It’s just something that I need to move past, and move forward from. I’ve always had issues with Goodbyes. I’ll deal with this one too.

  3. Sweetie, don’t be so hard on yourself. And listen to Mark about the guy-thing, it sucks sometimes but it’s true.

    As for you … you just went into a huge, life-changing upheaval! Divorce is right up there with death, losing a home to fire, etc. And all the stages of processing the grief associated with it are the same … denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. These are all a normal part of the process though with divorce the denial and anger parts frequently start while we’re still married (at least those of us who initiate the divorce).

    It sounds to me like you are at the depression phase. That’s OK and it’s good that you recognize that you need to stay engaged with others … you’ll get through it that much quicker. I’m happy for you that you have a space to reclaim as your own and that things are starting to move forward for you again. Hang in there … and don’t worry about burdening others with your problems. True friends will understand and help you through it. *hugs*

    • I’ve been through divorce before, even though the first situation was VERY different. I agree, this is pretty much based in depression right now, and I’m working on it. I’ve always been a stubbornly independent person, often to the dismay of those who love me. I wait till the last possible moment to ask for help, and I try every avenue I can on my own before I will actually turn to anyone else. It’s an issue I’ve been working on most of my life.

      Thank you so much for your support and compassion. You, and all the others here, have been a huge help, even if I forget to say it sometimes, I treasure all of you. Thank you. (HUG)

  4. Thinking of you.
    I know I need to let go of things/people who have hurt me but I chew and chew till I wake up and realise that I am simply hurting myself. Case in point was my exboss; all my agony in private never touched her at all.
    To hold someone in a loving space and yet let them go, is harder still. You get drawn back into the hesaidshesaids in your own mind.
    prayers for you this Beltane.
    xx

    • Thanks, Viv. I have a tendency to over-analyze things that I don’t understand, breaking them down to the most minute pieces in order to try to understand the whole. But it doesn’t work that way, and I need to start learning how to simply let them go.

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