I really need to have this written on every sidewalk… or maybe just on the toes of my shoes will cover it.
I’ve been doing some of my self-searching again, and I’ve realized that I walk with my head down most of the time. If not literally, which I know I do, because I catch myself – then at least emotionally and figuratively. And yes, before you say it, I’m working on this.
I’m not looking for anyone to fix this for me, because no one can. As the header says “Random Acts of Blindness and Epiphany”. I walk around half-blind most of the time, just working to get through the mundane stuff of life, when out of the blue, I’ll get struck with the lightning of epiphany, and have a sudden flash of insight. It’s a helluva way to do therapy, hit or miss most of the time, and not really reliable. But, it’s been working so far, one thing at a time.
I know that part of the reason why I don’t walk “eyes up”, is that I’m not really all that self-confident. I put up a good front sometimes, but I have trouble seeing that I have a real, tangible value in another’s eyes. Or that I could be a person of interest to another. I have issues with my weight, having struggled with it most of my life. I’m working on that one, and have lost some weight recently, and plan on working to get in better shape. I actually have no idea what I weigh right now, as I got rid of my scale years ago, after deciding that weight was just a number. If I felt comfortable in my own skin, then the numbers didn’t matter. Well, I stopped feeling comfortable in my own skin a while ago, but other matters, like depression and anxiety didn’t help me get motivated to get healthy. It’s just one more thing I plan to take control of this year for myself. Not for anyone else, not anymore.
Another reason? Well, if you blend in, and don’t stick your neck out, there’s less risk of getting hurt. It’s all about the high walls of defense, folks. Put on the mask, don’t stand out from the crowd, and just go about your way, and no one can get close enough to reject you.
But in reality? The meek inherit nothing but missed opportunities. Everything you want in this life, you have to risk yourself to get. There’s. No. Such. Thing. As. A. Free. Lunch. Sometimes, I forget.
So, in the meantime, between here and there, then and now, I’m working on keeping my head up, eyes forward, and open.