I’m feeling rather introspective today.
In the last few days, I’ve had occasion to take a long look at who I was, who I am, who I’m becoming. I’ve thought a lot about what it was that I used to want, what I need to get where I want to go, and whether the “needs” and the “wants” really match up, or whether they’re incompatible.
And I wish I could tell you that I have any answers to the questions I’ve been posing to myself.
But *sigh* I don’t.
The questions are still all there, swirling around in my head, spinning me in a million different directions, and never letting me stand still long enough to grab a point of reference to hold onto.
But, funny thing? Even with all the chaos inside my brain, all the questions and frustrations of the past few days – I’m oddly calm.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m ultimately happier when life is in a constant state of flux. When changes happen one after another, I don’t have to sit and worry; I have to act – react – and adapt.
Yeah, I like the quiet times too. I love being able to sit, just in one moment and be. I like the calm of a still afternoon, spent relaxing, listening to music, or my children’s laughter, or just the play of the wind through the trees.
But, those moments aren’t meant to last. Those perfect spaces of stillness and balance are transitory, finite. It is their temporary nature that makes them so wonderful, because you know that they don’t last. That forces you to stop, “smell the roses”, and enjoy it, because you know that it’s not permanent. The winds die down, the flowers wilt, the sun sets, and the moment is over.
Things stay the same.
Both statements are true.
I am in the middle of changing my life. I’ve already made a few of the changes – and whether they’ll be positive ones or not, will remain to be seen. There are more changes coming, I can see them working their way toward me from down the road. Some decisions are going to be harder than others, and I don’t know yet how I’ll react to the situations. Some of the decisions have me really frustrated, because of the variables that refuse to sit still and behave in predictable ways. The logic circuits are not functioning at full charge all the time, which leaves me confused and exhausted. And there are times when I think about just chucking those issues out the window, “turtling up” and hibernating while the storms pass overhead.
But something keeps me moving forward.
Maybe it’s the idea that there’s a better moment up ahead.
Yes. A better moment. With wind in the trees overhead, flowers in bloom, the sun dancing through the leaves….. and a second of balance – before the next change.
I’ll be ready. I’ll be waiting.