I will never be 25 again.
When I was 25, I was a single mom of 2 girls. I had 1 failed marriage behind me, and had moved to the small town that I had hung out in after my graduation from high school. It was difficult, trying to raise 2 girls on my own, with very little money, but I wouldn’t change that time of my life for anything. My best friend lived nearby, and she was a huge support system and cheering section for me. I really learned how to provide for my girls the things that my parents provided for me in my early years, love, laughter, and learning. Those things are free, and priceless – all at the same time. And I’ve never forgotten the lessons I learned during this time.
I will never be 30 again.
When I was 30, I had married again, and given birth to my son, 2 years prior. This was a time of learning to be a family, with a husband and 3 children, we were still struggling to all fit together, but we were trying. I had just started working for my current boss, and was learning all about the world of real estate closings. It was a lot of fun, and a lot of hard work. We had also just moved out of a teeny apartment, and into our house, and it was great to have room to move around without running into someone every time you breathed.
I will never be 35 again.
When I was 35, well, 35 was another period of struggling. I was still a mom, still a wife, still working at my job, and just working on making it through the days. The kids were getting older. EldestDaughter was a teenager, struggling to learn how to handle high school. YoungerDaughter was a tweenager, struggling to learn to handle middle school, and OnlySon was 7, and just struggling with school. My marriage was starting to fade, but I wasn’t really aware of the changes, except to note that things that had once been decided as a couple, were now being decided by one person. It was a period of simply hanging on to what I knew we’d once had, and compromising more and more of my own life to fit with his idea of what he wanted. Looking back, I can see it so clearly, but then, it was just “what you do to make a marriage work – compromise”; which basically worked out to “just give in – it’s easier that way”.
I will never be 40 again.
40 was another year of life-changing events. I finally decided that I’d given up enough of myself, pushed enough of the problems “under the rug”, and needed to reclaim the person that I knew I could be. It was not an easy decision, to choose to be a single parent again. My EldestDaughter had moved out, to live on her own as a 19 year-old, and I had moved from one real estate title company to another, following my boss to a new company. It was a time of cutting ties with things that no longer worked for me, and starting down new paths, to find out who I was now. I started writing seriously again, and was gaining confidence in myself after a long spell of feeling that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, or just plain enough of anything. It was a long road, but I’m proud of how far I’ve come, and I’m not done travelling yet.
Now, I’m 41.
I’m learning, once again, how to parent alone. YoungerDaughter, OnlySon and I are learning to be a family with just the 3 of us. It’s a different dynamic, with different rules, but we’re making it work, together. EldestDaughter is finding her own feet, her life, and is going to be making me a grandmother, and a mother-in-law, next year. I’m not sure how ready I am for the additional titles, but I know that I love Eldest, and I’ll love this new baby just as hard. The future son-in-law? Well, as long as he’s good to Eldest, and their child, there won’t be any problems with me. YoungerDaughter is entering her last year of high school, and is getting revved up about attending college next year. OnlySon is working on finding his way through having 2 separate families, and we’re learning to talk more honestly with each other, to make sure that nothing falls through the cracks of our life.
I never could have imagined all the changes that have occurred in my life, all the things that I will never be again. But all these things, all this past, has made me who I am now. And will influence who I will be one day. I may never be 5 – 10 – 15 – 20 – 25 – 30 – 35 – or 40 again. But all of these milestone will live, laugh, and learn, within me forever.
And that ain’t bad. That’s just me – neverending.
- Well, I Never (breaaire.wordpress.com)