Thought-full Silence

I couldn’t watch television today.  I know what’s on there.

All the remembrances, the pain, the suffering that people went through on that day.

All the stories of loss, of grief, of the types of healing that have been gone through in the last 10 years.  I know that’s what was on – and I simply couldn’t.

My head is full of thoughts, wrapped in the silence I can’t express.

I know that it’s been 10 years, that time heals, that recovery happens.  But I just can’t.

I’ve watched, over the last 10 years, different shows about the tragedy.  And I thought I would be able to handle the anniversary, today.  But something kept me from re-opening that wound, from examining my thoughts and feelings now, a full decade past that terrible day.  I didn’t know why this year was so different from the other ones, until just a few minutes ago.

I know that this might sound trite, or like an excuse, but it’s really not.  It’s just… I don’t know… my current state.

This year has been exceptionally hard.  Between getting a divorce, trying to figure out a new life for myself and my kids, the loss and tragedy of my city and state this summer due to the flooding – I’ve been rather full up.

Even when I attended the benefit concert put on by the Black Eyed Peas just last weekend, I had trouble watching the videos of the devastation they played before and after the opening band.  Seeing all the pictures… was enough to rock me off my balance-point for a while that night.  I recovered, but it still felt as though my meter had been pegged for a little while.

And today, I knew that I simply couldn’t handle another old wound flaring up.

Even though I didn’t lose anyone I knew in the awfullness of that day, or the days that followed, I know that it struck me.  It struck everyone.  There is still a large hole in American hearts, left unfilled, unhealed.  Better, I hope, for most than it was then, but still there.  An ache, right at the center.  And one that, although for many, myself included, it doesn’t make itself known every second of every day, it’s still there. 

And so, tonight, I will sit – in Thought-full Silence.

To remember.

To mourn.

And to offer up my prayers for a light ahead.

For us all.

~May the gods stand between you and harm

In all the empty places you must walk. ~Ancient Egyptian blessing