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Reflections in the Dark

I was sitting out on my porch step tonight, in the half-light of the bug-repelling, yellow light above my front door.  Just reflecting on all the things that have been happening in my world lately. 

I haven’t told you the half of it.

***My EldestDaughter is almost half-way through her pregnancy, at 17 weeks, she’s started feeling the baby move, and has been able to hear the heartbeat.  She has an ultrasound in a couple of weeks, and is hoping to be able to find out whether she’s having a girl or a boy.  I’m 90% sure it’s going to be a boy… just a gut feeling, but that feeling is pretty strong.  We’ll see how right or wrong it is.  I’m still not sure I’m ready to be a grandma, but we’ll get there.

She’s also been dealing with quite a few dramatic changes in her life, back and forth with her fiance’.  But they’re both young, and this is going to change both of their lives forever, so I don’t blame them for going through a lot of the same ups and downs I went through when I was carrying Eldest.  It’s a hard thing, becoming a parent while you’re still struggling to figure out what it means to be an adult. 

*** Being a single parent at the age of 41 isn’t a picnic, either.  I was a single mom for many years when the girls were little, and now, here I am again.  At least I don’t have to get up at 2am anymore for feedings and diaper changes.  But, there are a different set of struggles being a single parent to teenagers.  Seeking balance is a never-ending thing. 

*** And the dating.  Well, the guy I met through the online dating site, “K”… doesn’t seem to be working out.  We talked on the phone at least once a week, if not twice, for a couple of months, and were finally able to get together for a date about 3 weeks ago.  I haven’t heard from him in over 2 weeks, now, though.  And I’m pretty sure that he’s decided that 400 miles is simply too much.  It is a lot, I’ll admit, but it kind of hurts that he couldn’t even bother to call me to say it out loud.  It’s not like I’d given my heart away, but he said he was such a strong believer in “honesty above all”, that I wonder…

*** Anyway, I’ve moved on.  I actually got back in touch with someone I was seeing before the last online dating site, and found out that “A” and I are much more alike than I originally thought.  He’s been thoughtful, sweet, and attentive.  He makes me feel like someone special, and I missed that.  I missed him.  He makes me laugh.  He makes me blush.  He makes me think, and smile.  I’m being careful with my heart, though.  I think I’m still afraid that things will fall apart, just when I get really attached, so I’m cautious.  Maybe even a little fearful.  I don’t want to be afraid of attachments, so it’s something I’m working on.

*** I had to do something in the last couple of weeks that I really didn’t want to.  I had to give away my Jilly.  She jumped the fence at the bottom of our yard one too many times, and the neighbors called Animal Control.  They told me that I either had to get rid of her, find her a new home, or put her to sleep.  I couldn’t bear to have her put to sleep.  I finally did find her a good home with a gentleman who’s going to have her with him all the time, and has a lot of grandkids for her to love on and play with.  It makes me sad to know that she won’t be here… but it’s also good that she doesn’t have to be locked up here all the time anymore.  She was never a menace to the neighborhood, but a sweet, loving, and playful dog who never would have hurt anybody.  She could barely bring herself to bark at strangers, but instead wanted to hop up into everybody’s laps and be their “bestest good friend”.  I hope she’s as happy in her new home as she was here before the neighbors threw their fit.

*** I’m still stalled on my novel.  I think it’s because I simply suck at endings, of all varieties.  I have trouble saying “goodbye” to anything, so I’m refusing to end the story.  I really do want to finish it, as I won’t feel like I’ve really accomplished my goal until I do, though.  I have to get back to it, maybe cut a huge chunk out, rearrange, and take it a different direction.  The “flow” got dammed up somewhere, and I need to clear away the debris.

*** Which is one of the reasons I started that last Flash Fiction piece, “The Timekeepers”.  This idea struck me one night, as I was fussing around on the computer.  It’s a really dark piece, and I’m going to start writing on that one, in the hopes that it will bring me back around to the novel again.  Once I get the creative muse back in my pocket, whispering the words to me, maybe I’ll find the outlet I need for the bigger work. 

*** I haven’t had any weddings this year to officiate at, but that’s ok with me.  I’ve had so many things happen this year, that I’m really alright with not “doing the wedding circuit”.  I do, however, have 3 seniors whose pictures I’m taking so far this year.  One of them, of course, is my own YoungerDaughter.  This creative photographic undertaking is going to take a lot of hours on the computer, between uploading, fixing, fiddling with, and embellishing photos.  I know that for at least 2 of them, possibly all 3, I’ll be not just reworking the pictures, but creating the invitations and announcements, as well.  It’s a lot of fun, and I really enjoy it, but it is time-consuming, so blog postings might be sporadic for a while yet. 

*** All in all, it’s been a busy few weeks, and I simply haven’t had a lot of energy to write about it, or the desire to rehash some of it so soon.  I went through a bout of strep throat last week, and was really sick for about 4-5 days.  I hated feeling so helpless, especially when I knew that my kids were depending on me for things, but I really had to lean on them for a while.  They both stepped up and made life a lot easier for me.  They really are great kids, and I’m lucky to have them.

Even with all the teenage drama floating like giant gas balloons around the house, just waiting for a match to be struck. 

Drama? Where??

I think I stashed a fire extinguisher around here… somewhere… right?

3 thoughts on “Reflections in the Dark

  1. I thought about something right away when I read about the stalled novel. It whispered in MY ear. I do believe it’s all about taking the muse OUT of your pocket, my dear twin and putting her on your shoulder so she can whisper in YOUR ear without being muffled. Just a thought that flashed when I was reading, like I said. Hmmm. Maybe I should take my own advice, eh?
    All will be well…you’ll soon see.
    I love you

  2. You, my dear, have a full plate don’t you….. Sorry about Jilly, at least she is going to a good home versus the alternative. This guy that makes you laugh and smile sounds OK in my book. Sorry about the guy 400 miles away who didn’t have the decency to call you or contact you. I’m sending him a huge virtual butt-kicking as we speak. Don’t fret about the novel. One night your gonna wake up in the middle of the night and you will start writing and you won’t stop until it’s done. Hang in there Sis! 🙂

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