EldestDaughter asked me a question yesterday…
Damned if I know.
My brain’s been in a whirl, lately, for a multitude of reasons. One is that I’ve had some rather large bills pop up just recently, things that there was no way of controlling, no way of predicting. And of course, they’re all due right now.
I’ll get them paid, it’s just the spectre of them looming over my head until I can work my way out from underneath is daunting. I hate having shit like this hovering like buzzards, just waiting for the worst possible moment to strike, leaving me bloody on the ground.
There are people in my life right now, as well, who have me puzzled and perplexed. I have no idea what’s going on in their heads, and the mixed messages are getting a little tiresome. But, of course, I can’t help myself… when it comes to puzzles, I have a slight case of OCD. I have to figure out the solution to the puzzle, I have to know the answer, because it rattles and pokes and snickers behind my back until I get the damn thing solved.
Ive been plagued with Holiday Insomnia, all these worries weaving in and out of my head, lying awake until the wee hours of the morning, staring at the bumps on the ceiling above my bed.
Angry in general, and at little things, specifically, I tremble with a fine rage, that simmers just below the surface of my skin. I can actually feel the heat of it, hovering ever so slightly above my hands and face.
My heart starts to pound, and I get a touch light-headed, I know the triggers, and I know that the only way to get through it? Is to avoid all human contact.
During the holidays.
Yeah… riiiiiiiiight. Like that’s going to happen.
One of my co-workers came up to me today, and asked me what was going on. I told her that I’d woken up in a bad mood, and it had only gone downhill from there.
She reached out, touched her finger to my cheek and said “PMA… remember, PMA.” (Code in my office for “positive mental attitude” – insert eye-rolling here)
DON’T TOUCH ME WHEN I’M ANGRY.
Just a fair warning.
I might touch back… and it won’t necessarily be with a PMA.
Actually… let me correct that. I have a PMA.
There. I feel better now.