The sunrise was beautiful.
And I hated it for its very loveliness.
There’s been a lot of drama going on at my house, centered around ED, & a past history of mistakes and stupid behavior. It all came to a head this morning.
My eldest child has always been the neediest of them all. Always the one who most desperately needed validation, affection and acceptance. Tough on the outside, she puts up a front of invulnerability and a seeming lack of caring what others think of her.
But it’s a mask.
She hides, terrified, behind that front, praying that someone will love her unconditionally and completely.
And though I and many others do give her that, it’s never been enough. There are some people, important to her, who have never been able to give her what she needs from them. And she has not been able to get past that.
ED also has an addictive personality. She falls into things that she thinks will get her that attention she craves.
And one of these habits has gotten her into serious trouble.
Unbeknownst to me at the time, while she was living in the little town she moved to, she got into the habit of using marijuana.
She’s clean now, but one incident where she got caught, saw her in trouble, & it’s come home to roost now, with her being pregnant.
This morning I had to watch as my child was taken to be put into an in-patient treatment facility, so that the county can make sure that she and the baby are “clean”. She has to stay there until the baby is born.
Yes, her habit was illegal, dangerous, healthwise for both her and her child, & I understand that she needs help.
But, she has been clean and in out-patient counseling for months, coming to the realizations that the behaviors were wrong, and that there were other ways to get the attention she needed so awfully bad.
And I had to watch her disappear into that sunrise, not knowing if I’ll get to be there for the birth of my grandchild.
If the father of her baby will be able to be there for it. (They’ve both been staying with me while he works the oil rigs up here)
We will be able to visit, once a week, but it’s not enough.
Not nearly enough.
So this morning, I wish the sun hadn’t come up.