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Family fubar

My family.  Most looking in from the outside would think of it as the “perfect nuclear family unit”.

 Growing up, my mom and dad were high-school sweethearts.  They married, and my brother and I are the only children.  (There’s another story there, too, but I’m not gonna talk about it just yet)

My parents are still married – to each other, even.  Yep, that home wasn’t broken.

At least not by divorce.

But there are other ways to break a family.  Things that the members do to each other that turn the “perfect family” into something that resembles another family entirely:

 Matter of fact, the theme song to this old show is currently my ring-tone for when certain members of the clan call me.

There’s a reason for that.


I learned the other night that my brother, his wife, and daughters are going to be moving in a couple of months.  They currently live in the same town as our parents, which is about an hour away from where I live.  This is plenty close for me.  My brother and I have issues

My brother was offered a better job, in Florida, and so he is going to be leaving in just a couple of weeks to start the process down there.  The girls, and my sister-in-law are all going to finish up the school year, then join him down south.  This is where my sister-in-law is from, and I know that she’s been missing her family there, plus, the culture differences from the far north to the far south are very different – and I know she’s never really gotten used to it.

So, while I care about my brother, and my sister-in-law and “the short people” as I call my 3 nieces, I guess I’m not as bothered by them moving to the other end of the country, as my mom would like me to be.

And…. I don’t even feel guilty about not feeling worse.

When my brother and I had our big blow-up a couple of years ago, I think I decided that, since he was claiming that his “little sister had died years ago”… I’d let it be like that.  I was pretty much forced into letting the incident go, to make my mom happy… but I’ve never forgiven him for the pain he caused me.  He’s never apologized for it, either.  He only said “I’m sorry if you were hurt”… not sorry for what he actually said and did.

Because he didn’t believe that he did anything wrong.  He still doesn’t believe he was wrong.

And that, I won’t forgive.  I can let it go, for the sake of the family – but I won’t forget it happened. 

And things have never been the same since.

We are now “polite strangers” with a history of past damages.

And when a polite stranger moves away… just how bad are you supposed to feel?

I love my nieces, and my sister-in-law is a lovely, young woman and I like her a lot.  But I don’t spend much time with any of them, because of the circumstances that surrounded the whole “Sibling Wars”.  And it’s been hard, not being able to get close to the only nieces I have, and the only ones I’m likely to have.  But, you can’t change someone else’s mind – only your own.

Honestly, I don’t see my brother and I ever being close again. 

There are lines that you do not cross – but if you cross them anyway – you can’t ever go back.

There is no time machine to go to the past and take it all back.

There’s no words that can be said to make it “OK”.

I’m not still furious over it.  That takes too much constant energy.  But I am resigned to the fact that, while he and I may share genetic material, we’re not family anymore.

And that’s where it gets broken.





6 thoughts on “Family fubar

  1. I don’t even remember the last time I saw my brother. Not sure if I am bothered by that fact – or not.

    Funny thing, tho. Whenever anyone asks me how my brother is, and I tell that that we are estranged – they always blame it on ‘me.’

    How weird.

    I wonder if they do the same thing to ‘him’.

    Hope so.

    Because he was always a jerk, and I was always the victim of it. You would think people would assume that the person who wants to keep the distance – is the innocent one.

    Oh, well.

    I can empathize with your situation. The best revenge, is a good life.

    Or, as that same jerky brother told me once:

    If you want to revenge someone – leave them alone.

    All – alone.


    • Too true. It’s hard when it’s someone that you’re “expected” to love and care about, but that also makes the hurting worse when it happens.

      They’re supposed to love you enough not to be that cruel, aren’t they? But the opposite seems to be true for some stupid reason.

      Those closest to you – can hurt you the worst, because they know where all the soft spots are.
      I’ve come to the conclusion that – He gets to go his way, I’ll go mine. And as long as he’s not standing in my way? We’ll be fine.

      • LOL 😀 Isn’t it amazing how someone who has so much talent in one area of life – can have so little ability when it comes to interpersonal relationships? Same way with my brother. Genius-level book smarts – zero people skills.

  2. *hugs* I don’t have any contact with either of my brothers but for a different reason. What is it with mothers in denial of all the nasty crap and the need to deal with it? Ugh

    • There seems to be a wall of denial in place for a mother’s perspective. I know that I have a tendency to not want to see the bad things – but I’m working on facing things with honesty, instead. My mom’s always had a gift for “If I don’t want to see it, hear it, or acknowledge it – it just won’t be there”. Makes it hard to have open and honest conversations about troubling things. *shrug*

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