I’ve been taking care of other people since I was 20 years old.
Ever since EldestDaughter was born, I’ve been “in charge” of someone else’s happiness, comfort, security.
EldestDaughter, YoungerDaughter, OnlySon, the ex’es. Always, it’s me who ends up being the caregiver in the situation.
And I don’t resent it, really, I don’t. At least, not when it comes to my kids. As their mom, it’s MY job to take care of things, so that they could grow up and become independent, capable, well-rounded human beings.
Once in a while, it would be nice if someone would take care of me.
It would be nice to have someone to turn to, who would put their arms around me and say “Everything will be fine, let me take care of it.”
And I’m notoriously bad at asking for help when I need it.
My parents have been there in the past for me, helping a lot, throughout the years. Recently, though, I decided that I had to stop asking them for help. I won’t go there.
I have had help from friends when I’ve needed it, whether emotional support or actual things they’ve done for me. I have some really good friends. I try to help them as well, when I can, as I can. But I hate asking. I hate having to put an obligation, a burden, of that type, on them. I don’t ever want to be an obligation to anyone.
But it would be nice to have someone in my life who would be there. Yes, I want to get married again. Yes, I want someone to belong to, who would belong to me as well. Someone who I would know would be permanent in my life. Someone I could take care of, who would also take care of me. There is someone who has offered to take that position… but, it’s been a lot of talk, so far. And I can’t live on “maybe”. I can’t hang my hope on it. Because it’s too painful when promises are broken. When they disappear into a mist of silence, never to return.
This year has been extraordinarily difficult.
And I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.
Not enough coming in, too much going out – as it were.
In previous tough times, I’ve always been able to make it through, somehow. To pull the metaphorical rabbit out of the hat, sometimes, at the very last minute… and get us through the rough spots.
This time, however… all I’m finding are dust bunnies.
The magic has disappeared.
And I just wish…