Early morning text
“Hope you slept well”
Comes through on my phone.
Just like most mornings, he sends me a tiny texted message, connecting, opening a window to communicate.
Just like most mornings, I sit and stare at the cursor blinking as I try to think of what to send back.
“It was alright, How’re you?”
There, turn it back around, give him the option to open up, instead of always blurting everydamnthing that’s really going on inside your head.
Don’t tell him that your sleep was broken, that you tossed & turned, that you woke 3 times, only to fall back into the same uncomfortable dream twice.
“I’m ok babe”.
Small talk that says nothing, reveals nothing.
Why do you bother?
You want to ask.
Why do you ask, if you don’t want the truth?
Why do you say you love me, but can never seem to keep your promises?
No, you can’t type that.
You, who hates confrontation, you can’t be the one who starts the talk. The Talk.
I need you to be here. I need you to do something that shows me that you are going to follow through. I need the support of a partner, a lover, a friend.
You say you want to marry me, that you love me, that you’ll always be here for me. That you want us to be a family.
But you’re not here.
And yet, I can’t say the words. I don’t want to hurt him.
I can’t say the things that I really want to, sometimes need to, because I know they’ll cause pain.
I’ve caused enough pain in my life, my past, & I can’t drag myself to that place, again.
“I hope your day goes well…”
And between the words, I scream.