Most nights I can’t sleep for shit.
Oh, I have good intentions, & high ideas about how it’ll be. ..but suddenly, I look up at the clock, & 3 hours have slipped by, caught in the pages of a book in my hands, or tangled in the wires I’ve been crafting with.
Or, simply breathed away on the breeze filtering in through my living room window, while I sit in silence, reading drivel on my phone through social media & news apps.
Since OnlySon has gone to his father’s for the summer, & I’m stuck here after my surgery, recuperating & bored to tears by forced inactivity, my sleep schedule has been completely screwed.
I know I need to fix it, but between not being able to be physically active due to the surgery, & my proclivity towards night-time awakefulness (yes, it’s a word, I just made it), it’s been difficult to gather the necessary gumption to repair the timing of waking in the early morning & going to bed at what most consider a “decent hour”.
In other words, since it’s just me, & I can’t do what I want (physically demanding things, anyway), then why bother?
I have tried to stretch myself, to go do “normal” stuff… and ended up exhausting myself after half an hour’s walking through a store. I didn’t do any heavy lifting, no strenuous exercise, just a little personal shopping, for fuckssake. And when I got home, my body screamed at me for 2 solid hours, then shut down for the rest of the night, & through today, like a sulky brat. Yeah, lesson learned, there. Today I felt as though I were swimming through smoke, with weights tied to both ankles & wrists. And I slept through a good portion of the afternoon to try to make up for abusing my body yesterday.
Let’s hope it worked, and tomorrow I’ll be able to do some light gardening, seated firmly on the ground by my flowerbed so I can pull weeds for a few minutes.
Because if this keeps up, I’ll go stark raving bug nuts inside another week.
And it’s not a far trip from where I am now….
Brea's Air 
I remember feeling a similar way when I had my last surgery. It’s tough to try to be still when the simplest motions seem to sap all of your energy.
Hang in there. If you need help with something, or don’t want to be alone, I’m just a phone call away. Make sure to call my cell, though, my home phone/voice mail is having issues.
Thanks, Sparrow, I do appreciate it. I think my biggest problem, really, is the feeling of dependence, right now. Ugh. I HATE not being able to do some of these things on my own. Had to have Mom mow my lawn last week, & the boy will be doing it this weekend. When what I’d really like…I’d to just go out and do it myself. Along with about 12 other things, of course. I hate being an invalid. *shaking my head*