Storms

I’ve been unexpectedly weepy for the past couple of weeks.  My emotions have been following the local weather’s habits, I guess, with quick, raging storms, lasting anywhere from minutes to hours, reducing my brain to splinters, & my heart cracking with the strike & boom of the lightning & thunderstorms.

A sudden turn of phrase, a snippet of song, a hard thought, dissolve in my eyes & rain down my face, choking my voice.

All the emotional fallout that’s been tucked up in my pockets since the surgery, have turned me into an occasional human hosepipe, and I can’t figure out how to stop it.

I know it’s because of the stress I’ve been under, lately.  Family drama, neighbor drama, personal drama, it’s coalesced into a hard knot seated just behind my breastbone, heavy and solid.

And it’s almost impossible to talk about.

Some of the drama is not mine to tell, but I have to hang on to it, anyway,  because of familial obligation.

Some of it has been rehashed over & over with friends & family, but in the end, it’s still my decision, difficult as it is.

And some of it… there’s only 2 people I can talk to about it.  One of them, my nephew, I can tell, because he knows me so well, & is utterly trustworthy.

Unfortunately,  the other person…well, I haven’t been able to tell, because I fear yet another disappearance. 

It happens so often.

I wish I could just turn all of the emotions off.

Stop the rain of tears.
Stop feeling.
Stop caring.
Numb.