Taking a Moment

I learned some very sad news today.

My father’s best friend, a man I’ve known my whole, remembered life, has only a year to live.

And I can’t seem to wrap my head around it.

I want to cry.

I want to rage at the sky.

I want to curl up and sob, uncontrollably.

And I’m not allowed to do any of those things.

I’m supposed to be strong. I’m supposed to be support for my parents, understanding, compassionate, supportive.

With everything that’s been going on in my life right now, this is going to sound extremely selfish, but I just want to go home, lock my doors, curl up on the floor, and Not. Feel. Anything.

I’m tired of being strong for everyone else.

I’m exhausted, standing on my own, with no one to hold me, tell me that they have me, and I can crash for a while.

Fuck this.

Ask for honesty, and get silence.

Tell someone you care about them, and more silence.

Why do I care about anything, anymore?

It only brings pain, silence, and distance.

So, I’m taking a moment to grieve.

To grieve for this family friend.

To grieve for my Mom and Dad.

To grieve for myself, and my own losses.

Friends.

Family.

Affection.

Honesty.

The possibility.