I love my friends, my family. I want the best for them, always. And I want them to live, fulfilled, prosperous, happy, loved, content. I want them to attain all their goals, and to revel in their successes. I want to celebrate, congratulate, them when they get what they’ve been seeking
But, it is difficult to stand on the sidelines, when I know my own goals, my own successes, are so far down the line, they’re almost impossible to discern.
Watching friends be with their SO’s, holding hands, smiling in that particular way at each other, is painful, when I long for love, and am denied at the gate.
Being the “third wheel” has never been a particular passion of mine, so I sidle off, alone, to leave them to their joy in each other.
Watching them interact warmly & laughingly with their children is a knife in my heart, when my own are so far away, 2 geographically, & 1 emotionally.
I don’t begrudge my friends & family their joy. I smile and say all the right words to let them know that I am happy for their contentment.
But, it still pains me, deep in the night, after I’ve turned away from the joyous spectacle they present.
I have my own, small, moments. A laughing phone call, a comfortable evening spent talking, bantered texts going back & forth.
But, I know it’s not the goal I seek. It’s temporary, fleeting, and transitory, based on another’s whim & momentary desire for companionship & shared experiences. I’m not allowed to delve deeper, to allow myself to feel anything more than friendship in the moment, because that’s not what’s wanted.
And it’s sad, knowing what could have been, but never will be, not down that road. Because of old baggage, borne by the other, we will never travel that road together. Not in the direction I wish to go, or to the destination I someday wish to achieve.
So, I applaud my loved ones, both blood and chosen, because I truly do wish them all the best life has to offer.
But it’s not easy to watch, and not be…
Just a bit jealous.