There are many things in my life that I am certain of.
*My children all love me, & I them. Same with my parents.
*My Nephew is one of my dearest & best friends, & over the last few years, we’ve gotten so in synch, that often we can tell before picking up the phone, that the other one needs a call.
*my cats are assholes, but I love them anyway. Same goes for the ferret.
*I will do whatever it takes when it comes to a loved one in need.
*men in my life will disappear without a trace.
Which leads to my doubt.
There is serious doubt in my heart that I will ever find a man who will decide that I’m worth committing to, and if he says he’ll commit, that he’ll actually live up to that promise.
There is doubt that I’ll ever be a part of a “we/us” dynamic ever again.
There is doubt that love will ever really happen for me again.
Broken promises, fear of commitment, fear of even catching feelings… They all fall into the “doubt” trap.
And I doubt that I’ll ever be able to truly trust any man, ever again, because of it.
I don’t really let anyone “in” anymore. Not to the emotions.
Because it hurts too much when that doubt rears its ugly head & tells me they’re about ready to bolt.
When asked how I’m doing, I usually answer – “I’m fine.”
Because that’s what they want to hear.
Whether it’s the truth or not, doesn’t matter, it’s the veneer, the semblance of normalcy, that matters.
I doubt that the full truth would change anything, so why bother? It would probably send him screaming for the exit, anyway.
So, I doubt this’ll change anytime soon.