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Here’s the Breakdown

For the past 6 years since my divorce (yeah, my divorce-aversary is fast approaching again), I’ve been working on who I am, who I want to be, where I want to go now with my life, & what I want.

I’ve dated, more or less (less rather than more) but I’ve spent most of my time, for all intents and purposes, alone.

It’s not what I want. 

I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone. No matter whether I think that I am enough all by myself, thank you very much. I still want someone to share my life with – AND THERE’S NOTHING WRONG WITH WANTING THAT, EITHER.

Now, for the breakdown of how I’m feeling…according to the above, very descriptive image.

Bitter… Yeah…I’m a little bitter. After swimming in the shallow local dating pool, & trying to tread water in the vastness of the online dating seas, I can honestly say I’m bitter about the scumminess to be found in the waters. Geezus, men, have some class. The 70s porno pickup lines have never worked. 

Resentment… Oh, I resent the hell out of the fact that I spent 4 years waiting for someone to live up to even ONE promise… But, it’s my own damned fault, and we’ll get to my part of that debacle a little later.

Discomfort … There’s a whole lot of this floating around right now, as I sort through my emotional turmoil & kick my own ass around the house. But who else has the right? No one.

Anger… Oh, there’s plenty of this to spread around as well…and if my boundaries are crossed in the coming days, Vesuvius will have a new little sister.

Disappointment… Here’s where grief and depression step in at night. Because I truly thought, at so many times, that this was it, that it was finally going to happen for me… I was going to get that brass ring & live happily ever after. Ok, Tinkerbell. 

Guilt… And now I know that I’m not the person he wanted me to be, because I wouldn’t just roll over & do what he wanted. I’m not the person my family thought I was, because I let him talk me into becoming who I was for so long… I don’t really know who I am right at this moment, except that I’m not who I thought I was…

Shame… I lied to my family about things he wanted me to keep secret. I held onto this relationship for far too long, knowing that he wasn’t ever going to live up to his promises, I still held out, because I was so afraid to be alone… Because I’ve been alone for so long. And I’m afraid I always will be. And I’m ashamed of my loneliness.

Anxiety… I’m anxious most of the time these days, because he won’t give up. He’s still attempting to contact me, using friends here in the States to try to get ahold of me through other means. Panic attacks are happening a couple times a week now, instead of once or twice a month… They’re getting worse.

Sadness… Never goes away…I just hide it better.

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One thought on “Here’s the Breakdown

  1. You have nothing to feel shame for. And, you are enough. You have always been enough, and you are awesome in your power as an individual, a woman, a parent, grandmother, family member, and friend. You don’t need to live up to anything but whatever YOU need Day to Day. Hang in there, sister. My phone is always open. Call me anytime day or night. Hugs!

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