Dropped some truth bombs tonight.
I don’t know if it was Because I’m at the end of my tether, emotionally, or because I’ve been taking more of my antianxiety meds…or just because I’ve had more bullshit to deal with lately than I can successfully shovel…
But, I let the cleansing begin.
First, I talked to my Mom.
We discussed a lot of things on the phone tonight, about what’s been going on in my life, what my parents have been dealing with (they’ve been helping a friend deal with the loss of her husband, and it hasn’t been easy), and about OnlySon’s graduation.
While on that subject, I told her some of the family members I’d sent announcements to… And my brother was not on the list.
She wasn’t happy about that.
But, as I tried to tell her…
I don’t have his contact information. Ever since he & his family moved, I’ve lost touch. We don’t call each other, don’t move in the same circles socially, & haven’t had much to say to one another ever since he wrote his venomous email to me a few years ago, which prompted me to cut off contact with him.
She tried to tell me that “He’s totally changed, & didn’t mean any of those things anymore”.
When I told her that he’d never said he was wrong, had never apologized or attempted to make amends, she said he never would.
So, I told her “And I can never forget, nor forgive, what he said. He destroyed any hope of a relationship he could have with me, so why should I have any consideration for his feelings? He doesn’t want me to be involved with his children, so why should he be involved with mine??. He once stated that his little sister was dead to him. He was right.”
And that ended that conversation.
Then… it was time to handle Truth Bomb #2.
I received an email from E today.
Begging for forgiveness, and threatening to take his own life if I don’t take him back and talk to him.
After having been emotionally abused in my last marriage, I swore that it would never happen again.
So I let him have it with both barrels.
He has a preteen daughter.
I called him selfish and a coward.
I told him that if he could fight for his country, then he could damned well fight for his daughter, pull himself up by his bootstraps, & prove to his child that she was worth sticking around for, instead of turning her into an orphan.
I told him that it was time to stop laying the blame of his feelings on me, and take responsibility for his own actions and choices.
And that, obviously, he’d never listened to anything I’d said, didn’t know who I was at all, & had some fantasy built up in his head of who I was, and that he’d better get over it, stop lying to himself & everyone else, go home & treat his daughter better than he’d treated me.
I also told him that I’d take responsibility for my own culpability, that I’d let him talk me into lying to family & friends about all the secrets he’d asked me to keep for him, but that he’d asked me to do that at all was reprehensible and morally objectionable.
Finally, I told him that, after all this, I’d been right to stop trusting him, that stooping to emotional blackmail was sick, that I had been right to put a stop to the relationship when I had, and that I wanted him to stop trying to contact me ever again.
The calls would not be answered, & would, in fact, be automatically rejected.
That texts would be sent directly to spam, & I would never see them.
Same with emails.
And I never answer unknown numbers, so trying to reach me from another phone wouldn’t work.
This – needs to end.
And if it means being a stone cold nuclear bitch from now on…