I feel as though I will spend the rest of my life mostly alone, with scattered moments of companionship, only to have it broken when they leave.
Because they always do.
I get tired of trying.
It seems as though every time I get anywhere near a relationship with someone, some switch gets flipped in their head that sets off a fear response in them, and they bolt.
Me? I’m just over here being myself. Trying to be a good person, a decent girlfriend, not knowing what the hell is going on when they break for the gate.
I’m not psycho, not clingy, I don’t insist that they only spend time with me, or that they ignore their friends while we’re dating. I try to be supportive, considerate, compassionate, understanding, & patient (although that’s not really one of my assets, I am working on it).
In talking to my friends, they seem to be as baffled as I am when these guys have broken things off, because things seemed to be going so well…then – nothing.
Fear – seems to be the leading culprit, but I don’t know why.
What’s so terrifying about being in a monogamous relationship?
You get to have someone there, who has your best interests at heart, someone who will have your back when you’re against the wall. Someone who will help you up when you’re down, & will be with you when you’re lonely. Or, conversely, will leave you alone when you need your space – at least – if they know you at all, & know that’s what you need.
You’d have someone who would rub your feet after a long, difficult day, & would laugh with you over the silly, stupid stuff. Also, they’d get mad for you over the times you felt mistreated by others.
You’d have someone who would take care of you, who you could care for in return…
What’s so awful about that?
What’s so frightening, that men feel the need to run from it at speeds that defy definition?
Geezus, it’s not like I ever got down on bended knee and asked any of them to marry me, or even asked any of them to profess their undying love for me.
I told them how I felt, and left it at that, because I don’t fucking play games, and I’ve lost too many people in my life to not tell those I care about how I feel about them.
I guess, if growing old alone is their idea of happiness, then I’m better off away from them.
But, I just wish I could find one out there that isn’t a coward.