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Ashes Ashes…

My anxiety is high again. I’m stressed out and almost constantly on the verge of either snapping or bursting into tears.

(Singing in my head “I’m a little teapot…”)

I was talking to a coworker today about my teapot theory – how everyone needs a way to vent…or, like a teapot with a cork stuck in the end, when it gets hot enough – shrapnel everywhere… 

First – I’ve been working on quitting smoking. No, not cold turkey, because I know myself, & I know that would never work for me. I’d cheat, get pissed at myself, & say “fuckit” and go back to half a pack a day like always.

So, I’ve been wearing myself down slowly. I’ve gotten down to about 4 cigarettes a day, & I’m smoking 3 of those after work, at night. During my most stressful part of the day? – I’m clean. I have 1 cigarette in the morning, on my way to work – then I don’t smoke again till after I get home. 

It’s really not easy. There are side effects I wasn’t expecting. But then, what should I have expected after smoking for almost 30 years? 

Headaches. I’ve had an almost constant, splintering headache for the last 2 weeks and some change, since I started this process.

Exhaustion. I’m so tired. ALL. THE. TIME.

Diminished focus. Ugh. Zombie. Crap on a cracker, it’s like a constant thick fog inside my head. That’s part of the reason I haven’t been writing here. Zero brain.

Stomach cramps. Just no.

Hunger. Wanting to constantly graze through the day… And having to refocus my discipline, because I’m still trying to eat healthy & still have 20 lbs. to go to get to my goal weight. I’m trying to drink more water to make myself feel full…but my stomach knows I’m mocking it.

People who’ve never smoked, or who only smoke on rare occasions, don’t understand just how difficult the quitting process can be. It’s not just “putting down the pack & walking away”. 

But enough about that.

Second… I’m still waiting to get confirmation and “proof” that 💙 is coming for his visit. Things have taken a serious turn, he’s started becoming much more serious about us…using the “L” word, which I’m not ready to use just yet. 

I went through so much with E, when he broke promise after promise, telling me time and again that he was coming, then backing out at the last minute with an excuse. I can’t take that again. 

I know I really shouldn’t compare the 2 men… And I’m not, not really. I’m just seeing similarities in the situation. This makes me so anxious and stressed out. My anxiety keeps whispering to me that I’m going to be Carrie at the Prom, and he’s not going to show, it’s all going to be some horrible hoax, or a joke, & I’ll be the butt of it. 

And speaking of butts…I need a cigarette…

Ashes ashes…

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