Breached

I’m so… tired.

I am sick today, as in feverish, shaking, aching, puking sick.

And it’s stripped away my barriers.

All my emotional walls have been breached, crumbled, leaving me raw and unguarded. It hurts.

And I realized tonight, while showering, that I’ve been going through the motions of life again for a while. I put my outside mask on once & left it in place, not even allowing my skin to breathe at night by removing it once I got home. It’s the mask that allows me to smile at others these days, to laugh and joke, to talk as though I have no cares or worries.

When that’s all I am, lately.

Truly.

On the inside, my anxiety has been tearing me to shreds, gouging deep ruts into my psyche, dredging my past up for reviewal, making me relive old traumas and pushing me into creating hypothetical scenarios of conversations inside my head.

It’s PTSD, Chronic Depression, and severe anxiety…all attacking at once.

And I just want it all to stop.

I’ve been avoiding real-life conversations, as much as possible, too, because it gets harder and harder to hide this…and I won’t let this be anyone else’s problem.

I will take myself out of the equation, first.

No, I will never contemplate suicide. I can’t do that to the people I know who do love me. My parents, my children, my nephew.

But I will remove myself from any situation where I feel as though someone is trying to –

I almost wrote “corner me”, as though I were a trapped animal.

Sometimes I feel that way.

Wounded, and wanting to slink off into the darkness to either heal…or die…alone.

There are times, when I wish I could go back in time…change maybe a couple of the things I said and did.

Un-hurt a few of the people I hurt back in the day, with my young, unthinking cruelty.

Brian, I’m sorry. You were better off when I ran away in the rain that day. I really wanted you to chase after me, to prove you would fight for me, but you didn’t. It was a cruel head-game, and you didn’t play. I probably would’ve ended up hurting you worse down the road…I was on a path to destroy myself that summer, and almost did. I’m glad I didn’t take you with me.

I know why I wanted to destroy myself that summer, but it had nothing to do with you. I’m still sorry I hurt you.

Andy, you’ve been there for me many times. You’ve made me feel good about myself, and made me feel bad about myself at the same time. Not your intention, I know, but, there it is. Many ups and downs over the last 7 years have taught me at least one thing. People don’t change. Even if they’re fundamentally good people, they can still hurt you. Unintentionally, yes, but the sting echoes. Unrequited is unrequited, and remains that way.

I don’t ask that you change, I know it won’t happen.

Someday, hopefully soon, I will be able to start fresh, somewhere new. I’m not even hoping for a relationship anymore, because I don’t think it’s ever going to happen. I’m resigned, at this point, to being alone.

I read texts that come in…answering them in my head, but forgetting to actually type them out & send them. Hours later, realizing this fact, & knowing it’s too late to respond without looking like a fool.

When I know, in reality, it’s my defenses, pushing people away, so no one has to suffer with me.

Because who wants to have to deal with this hot mess?

Not even me.

But my walls have been breached by my illness, a virus has stripped me of my guardians, & I need to get it all back into place, quickly, before anyone gets behind the walls.