I was finally starting to climb out of my depression, I thought, when this last thing hit.
When my mom showed up with her friend, my molester’s mother, at my work, last week.
I was honestly starting to feel better, I thought. I was starting to sing along with the radio again, to accomplish household chores, to make plans for outings (a big thing for me, if you know me).
And then, Monday happened, and the shit hit the fan.
I know myself, fairly well.
And to be honest, to be really, brutally, honest?
I’m not in a good place.
I’m really not.
I need help, but I won’t ask for it.
My brain won’t let me, because of what happened all those years ago.
Asking for help lets people hurt you.
It hands them the knife and bares your back.
Knowing myself, I will actually refuse help if it’s offered.
I know this.
Because I won’t hand anyone that knife.
I’ve been stabbed so, so many times, by people I thought cared about me.
I can’t do it anymore.
It’s what they do.
I had a dream about a dead friend last night. He was so dear to me, and I miss him. I used to call him “little brother”, even though he towered over me.
I’m rambling, I know.
But it’s so dark inside my head, and that’s where the light goes.
No one sees it at work, you know. They all think I’m fine, because I wear the mask. I joke, I smile, I keep to myself…mostly. I’m quiet most of the time at work, anyway, so it’s not a stretch, anymore. They don’t know.
They don’t care.
I actually googled therapists the other day, but didn’t call any of them.
With everything else…I just…
I don’t know.
Is it worth it, anymore?
When there’s nothing to look forward to.
Thinking of you today. I’ve been there too. Yes, it is worth it. But I understand – my mind lies to me sometimes too. Hold onto those therapist numbers. Maybe you can’t call them today. That’s okay. Tomorrow is a new day. Being where you are, and actually googling them? That’s huge. Give yourself props for taking that step, because even that is not easy when things feel hopeless and dark. ❤
Eventually it’s worth it.
Just doing research online helped me way more than any therapist I tried in the past. I can’t imagine ever trying counseling again. The answers have been there all along but I just needed to work on assembling it all and accepting it all. My research helped a lot.