Confessional

I’m not Catholic, never have been, but I know what the confessional is for.

It’s supposed to be a place to lay your burdens (sins) before “God” and be forgiven for them. After, of course, being given “penance by the church representative, the priest.

Well, since I’m Pagan, I don’t believe in “sin”.

I do believe in personal responsibility.

But – I’m getting sidetracked, because I don’t really want to write this. Except, I have to.

I have to get these things out of my brain, and down onto the virtual paper, so they stop rattling around in my head, poisoning my thoughts.

I…have been in a severe depression for the last few months.

Most people who see me in my daily life would probably argue at this point, and say

“But you smile, you go to work, you joke around and talk!”

Ah…but did I really?

Compared to previous years, when I was actually active with friends…did I really interact with you?

Or was it a fleeting moment, a quick flash of a grin, and I turned away. A chuckle and I bent back to my work. A single joke in a day?

When was the last time you heard me speak first, without someone directly addressing me first?

If we are friends in real life, when was the last time I texted you first, and memes don’t count?

When was the last time you heard my ring tone on your phone?

If we’re internet friends (met through FB, or through blogging, when was the last time I actually interacted with someone interpersonally, and not just posting memes?

*waving all this away*

It’s not important if you can’t remember.

Because, I’ve been pushing people away, slowly, subtly, for months.

I’ve been isolating.

At least 3 or 4 times this winter…

I contemplated just ending it.

I have the drugs that could accomplish it.

Every time, I stepped back from that decision.

There are many reasons why I’ve come to this point. And it’s not something that can be “fixed” with a joke, or a pat on the back, or pity.

I don’t want anyone’s pity.

The music is helping, right now.

The music, the community I’ve come to find with it, it’s all helping.

It’s not the answer, but it helps mitigate some of the symptoms, so that’s something.

I can’t afford psychiatric treatment right now, so don’t, please.

I just needed to get some of this off my chest.

That’s what this blog is for, after all. It’s my place to scream into the darkness.

It just so happens,

Right now, the darkness…

Is me.