So, I’ve been working and pushing myself on trying to claw my way out of my depression that I’ve been in since last October.
Yes, since October.
Normally, the winter months are notoriously bad for me, dark and cold. Long nights, and very little sunlight, which is an awful combination for someone with depression.
But – I can usually start to pull myself out of it once Spring starts.
When the sun starts to return, and things start to “green up”, when things start blooming again, normally, so do I.
Not this year.
Here we are, already in the middle of July, and I’m still struggling to see the point.
You know? The point in getting up in the morning. The point in doing the things. The point in breathing.
I keep doing it, just in case I catch it, one of these days.
But I don’t feel it.
This week, I decided it was time to pull my head out of my ass and start doing some of the real work around here.
I’ve been having a difficult time keeping up on the yardwork this year, between depression, arthritis, and my lawnmower not working the way it used to ( battery-operated, the battery is not charging like it used to, & those suckers are kinda spendy), I’ve fallen behind.
Basically, my yard looked like an overgrown, abandoned lot.
I broke down & bought a small battery-powered weed trimmer, because that’s what my arthritis can handle. It only runs for about a half hour, but that works.
My hedge trimmer? Well, I have to do what I can, in small chunks. I’m still working on it. This is difficult for me to do, as I hate leaving a job unfinished, and tend to push myself until the job is fucking done. Never mind if the body is broken at the end, which it would be.
My back yard…is a work in progress.
That’s all I’m going to say.
It’s all I can say.
And after yesterday, which was spent doing indoor work, cleaning house with OnlySon…
Today is a self-care day.
It has to be.
Yeah, I pushed too hard- I won’t deny it. Yeah, I’m feeling a little broken today.
So I’m taking today off.
Doesn’t mean I’m not still thinking about all the shit I still have left to do.
The brain keeps going.