Just a Little Pinch

It’s been a couple of days since what happened, happened.

I decided to let it sit a little, to figure out how I really felt about it, without just busting off about my feelings and possibly saying something that was “heat of the moment”.

It was a sympathy card.

One that got passed around the office for a coworker from another office, due to the loss of a family member.

Innocent and compassionate, it showed that our coworkers cared about how another one was feeling.

And yet, as I signed it…

I felt a little sting in my chest.

Because, I lost both an uncle and a cousin, father and son, last month, both to cancer…

And yet, no one signed a card for me.

No, I’m not looking to be the center of attention, nor did I need, or want, coworkers fawning over me with pity. When I grieve, I would rather do it behind closed doors, at home. I HATE falling apart in front of people I’m not close to. And believe me, the circle of people I’m close enough to to feel comfortable showing that level of emotion in front of – is miniscule.

I’m glad I took the time to really think about my reaction, because I wasn’t truly sure why I reacted that way, when I don’t like being the center of attention, & would probably have felt extremely uncomfortable having everyone stare at me if I opened the card in the office.

And I realized, I felt that twinge…

Because it finally really hit home that I’m very isolated emotionally from my coworkers. They just don’t see me. Not the true me.

They see the quiet one who hates mornings, so she doesn’t talk to anyone unless directly approached until about 10am.

They see the jokester who makes people smile & laugh.

They see the professional who can talk to just about anyone who comes through the doors, then, as soon as they leave, changes gears back to being quiet & focused on work.

They see the silent one who tries not to engage in the break room, because I’m reading, & really want to be in the story.

But they only see those masks.

I’ve tried in the past, tentatively, to get to know some of the coworkers a little deeper than just small talk.

But, when it’s just not reciprocated, I pull back again, and don’t try anymore.

I hate being a bother or an obligation.

So, i just don’t really try all that hard to be the instigator of deeper conversations, anymore.

Because that twinge hits when you get brushed off.

This was just a little pinch.

And, while I can forgive, because I know there was no malice…

It reminds me that – I don’t truly belong.

And I don’t forget.

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Falling Up

Autumn has peeked her soft, little face around the corner of the seasons, here in North Dakota, and I’m actually sliding into a better frame of mind.

I. Love. Autumn.

(This picture is from a couple of years ago, the trees aren’t quite this brill yet)

The air is softer than other seasons, as though I could scoop a handful out of the sky, and rub it on my face like downy feathers.

The light seems to be softer, as well. It doesn’t generally have the harsh glare of summer, & is not as early-morning frosty as spring. Obvi, it’s very different from winter. The light seems to sift through the leaves on the trees a little more golden, glittering lightly on water’s surface, ending earlier every day with glowing sunsets.

And the smells that permeate the air in autumn…fallen leaves, smoke from wood-burning fireplaces on chilly nights, or from barbeques being fired up for those last “Honey, I cooked over open flame… Hear me roar!” meals. Fragrant candles being lit in households that remind you of apple cider, freshly-baked cookies, or hot-out-of-the-oven spicy pies.

Oh yeah…I’m falling UP, now.

It’s been almost a year, it’s about damn time.

Bring on the hoodies and knit sweaters. Bring on the fuzzy socks & boots. I’ll pack away the shirts & sandals, good riddance for another year.

Goddess…

I’m SO ready for Autumn!

Hellmart

I had to go to Hellmart tonight for a few things.

As I was walking from one side of the aisle to another, I passed a box full of something, and impaled my hand on a hook sticking out of the box.

Blood running all the hell over the place, down my hand & arm, I frantically searched my purse for some tissues, but couldn’t find any.

And no one noticed or stopped.

So, as I bled all over the sleeve of my jacket, I pushed my cart to a counter back by the auto shop, where luckily,I found some industrial paper towels.

I started mopping myself up, & pulled my mini bandaid packet out of my purse. (Yeah, I carry them, I get paper cuts at work a lot)

And my sarcasm kicked in, when the gal behind the counter, who was helping another customer, looked over, and, with no compassion in her voice at all, said…

“Battery acid?”

I blinked at her & said that, no, I’d impaled myself on a hook in another aisle.

She sighed, & said,

“OK, as long as it’s not battery acid. Need a bandaid?”

*snort*

I held up my Band-Aids, & said that no, I had some, I just needed to stop bleeding everywhere.

She turned away.

Fuck, I hate Walmart.

Not ONE person, associate or otherwise, tried to help me.

One associate jackass even came and stood behind the counter not 2 feet from me, watching me, but saying nothing.

As though I might swipe something off the counter?

Fucking hellhole.

And now, my hand is throbbing and swelling.

I probably need stitches, or that super glue stuff, but fuckit.

I’m going to soak this bastard & ice it, after I put about 6 more Band-Aids on it.

Typing tomorrow should be fun.

FML.

*Edit*

Yeah, so looking at it, it’s about a quarter of an inch long, & the inside of my palm is starting to bruise up…I may end up going to the doc for this tomorrow. Joy.

Uncle Jeff

My Uncle Jeff passed away last night.

His son, my cousin Cody, passed away August 1st.

Once again, I will not be able to go to the funeral, because it’s 13 hours away. Also, my ElderDaughter & her family are coming this weekend to visit.

My head is a mess.

I’m glad I’ll get to see my grandbabies, EldestDaughter, her husband “Moose”, & her friend who’s traveling with them.

But my heart is also in shreds, after losing yet another family member to cancer. Father and son, both gone within weeks of each other.

At least he’s not suffering anymore”…they say

My head knows this is true.

My heart just wants to stop the pain.

My mom couldn’t even call me to tell me today, she texted me the news.

He was her baby brother.

My thoughts are so random and disjointed.

And I still have to clean house before the kids get here tomorrow night.

It doesn’t help that my water heater started leaking on Sunday, so I had to have a new one installed yesterday.

Another expense I can’t really afford…

Which just means that even if the kids weren’t coming this weekend, I still wouldn’t have been able to go to Iowa for the funeral.

I just can’t deal right now.

And yet, here I sit, again, trying to get through another pain-filled night by myself. I just really need someone to fucking hug me & tell me it will get better.

Just for a minute.

I want someone to comfort me, instead of always having to try to get through it alone.

I miss my family, but there’s no way to fix it.

I wish I could be there for my Aunt & my other cousins, but I can’t go.

I want to run.

Adrift

The phone rings, and it’s Mom.

“Hi, honey”

“Hey, Mom”

“Yeah, so Krystal called, and Cody’s back in the hospital…they think it might be just a matter of days”

“Oh”

“Yeah, so your Dad and I are leaving Friday morning to go down, I think I told you that, but wanted to make sure…we’ll keep you in the loop”

“Yeah”

“So, how was your day, honey?”

“Ah, Mom, doesn’t even matter”

“Yeah”

….there were a few more words…but they seem to be little more than a buzz…

My cousin is dying.

It’s not fucking fair.

It’s not fucking fair.