Need/Want/Wish

There are differences between a Need, a Want, and a Wish.

I Need air and water and food and sleep (some of these things more than others…some I make due with less)

I Want to make my personal goal weight (working on it, slowly but surely), I want to save enough money to visit my Beloved Nephew (working on that too), and I want to eventually work up the courage to write that damned book that the Beloved Nephew keeps hounding me to write!

I Wish I could win the lottery. I wish I could have met Alan Rickman before he passed away, and I wish Chester Bennington was still alive.

See the differences yet?

Needs are things I have to have to continue to live. Air, food, water, sleep…all necessary to life. All things I MUST have, no joke, no choice, no substitutions.

Wants are things I’d like in my life, but have to work for. I get that, and don’t have a problem with working for the things I want. 

Wishes are things that are amorphous and probably not going to happen, at least not anytime soon, if at all. I can wish as hard as I want on a million stars…but it will never bring Alan or Chester back. And the lottery is – kind of a long shot.

I Want a partner to share in my life…but I don’t Need a man to continue to live…I just Wish I could figure out what the hell is going on. Hot and cold, talkative one day, then silence.

After the last 4 years, and all the broken promises E put me through, then the manipulation, the guilt, the breakup & the stalking…I was Hoping for something a little better, something a little easier. 

I Need Clarity.

I Want Honesty

I Wish he’d talk to me, instead of shutting me out, like he promised he wouldn’t do.

I Deserve better than this. 

Get it?



Feathers


So soft and delicate, I hold this fragile thing in my hands. Praying I don’t grip too tightly, hoping my anxious, trembling touch doesn’t drop it.

I see every floating tendril, moving gently in the breeze, tickling my palm, and my eyes alight with happiness. It brings me such joy, this beautiful representation of flight.  

I wish I could hold it close, put it in my pocket, keep it safe with me forever, but I know that would destroy it’s shape, tear apart it’s very form and it’s beauty, and that I cannot do.

So, as much as it will hurt me…

When the time comes…

I will let it go.


Headspace

After this last weekend, I feel as though I’ve been on a rollercoaster that ran through a tornado.

On fire.

Well, maybe not on fire, literally…

But, my brain sure hasn’t slowed down long enough to catch up with all that’s happened to my emotions.

It started on Wednesday.

I was talking to one of my coworkers, who just so happens to live in the same town as my first ex-husband.

And I asked her if she ever saw him around…and if she did, to say “hi” to him from me.

Long history short, I was trying to let him know that there were no hard feelings over the past, & that everything was cool with my end of the world as far as we were concerned.

That night, I received a text from a unknown number, with a photo attached.

Of 2 of my coworkers…and my ex-husband.

Who – just coincidentally happened to run into each other at the state fair. 

Cause this shit happens in my life.

Thinking the unknown number was said coworker, I replied “LOL, what a coincidence!”

And got a reply from — my ex-husband.

Who I proceeded to text back & forth with for the next two days.

Who asked me to go out to dinner with him Friday night, which I did.

And then, proceeded to ask me if there was a possibility that we could try again for a relationship.

Buckle up.

Click……..click……click… click ..click click…click…..click…clickclickclickclick…

J and I have a long history. 

In the past when we first met, we moved way too fast, didn’t know how to handle conflict, or each other, & we each had things we needed to do, places we needed to go, people we needed to be…and we couldn’t do that together – not the first time around. Our marriage blew up in our faces after a short & stormy whirlwind of a relationship.

4 years ago, we found each other again, and…once again, tried to move things along way too fast. At least, he seemed to want it that way, until he suddenly disappeared off the radar after only a month of dating. I was left, floundering & confused, not knowing what had happened, and without any communication from him…

I wrote a letter, telling him that I was hurt, but that if he ever decided he was ready to talk, he knew where to find me.  I still loved him, but couldn’t hold onto someone who didn’t want to be with me. I had to try to let go.

Hence, telling the coworker to pass along the “hi”.

I knew he’d never make the first concession, never say the first word.

So, I nudged the brake.

And the rollercoaster took off.

I’m not sure where the ride will take us, just yet.

I’m still anxious about being left in the dark, alone & silent, again.

Although, I asked for 2 things.

That he be honest, and that he not shut me out. Whatever comes up, we talk about it. 

Everything is new and fragile, yet familiar…I know this man, I feel so comfortable talking to him, being around him. It’s natural, like breathing in and out.

My headspace is so full…

And the tornado spins.

Numb

It’s been 5 days now, and I still feel as though I’m walking through some sort of nightmare…

I know I have to get my shit together, I have things to do, chores that won’t do themselves (obvi…I live alone.), a job that requires my full attention for 8 hours a day, 3 pets that need care & love. 

I have children that still need their mom to occasionally check in with them, even tho they no longer live under my roof. Parents that deserve that same checking in, even tho I haven’t lived under theirs for decades. Friends who deserve attention, because they care enough to check in with me.

I ain’t got time for this, I got shit to do.

And yet…I’m just…numb.

Underneath the work-mask…my face is a blank gaze, a “thousand-mile stare”.

I’ve come to a turning point.

And yet…

I’m not sure which way I’ll turn, just yet.

All I know?

Things are becoming much clearer to me. 

What’s truly important. 

To hold onto the moments that ring that little “bell” inside my head that tells me “this is something you need to remember…this…This…is a cherished memory”. That we only get to go through this life once, we only get these moments once, and then they’re GONE. 

DON’T FUCKING SQUANDER THE OPPORTUNITIES YOU’RE GIVEN TO SPEND TIME WITH PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT.

They won’t be here forever.

Who’s truly important in my life.

The people who’ve stayed, through all the bullshit, good times and bad, light and dark, held me while I cried & joined me while I laughed.  

The fair-weathers will find the door. Swiftly.

I don’t have time for that, anymore.

I’ve given up on Love.

Beloved Nephew says it’s just not time…yet… That there’s someone out there for me who’ll see how great I am & will realize I’m too good to let walk away.

I scoff inside my head & wonder to myself… “Then why’d they all leave?”

But again…I ain’t got time for this…I’ve got shit to do.

I have things I need to accomplish before I leave.

And the clock is ticking…..

Shadow #FamChallenge

I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder and High-Functioning Depression.

This has cast a large and looming Shadow over a good portion of my life, and it’s not something that a lot of people understand.

GAD isn’t just feeling anxious over stressful things in your life…it’s feeling stressed all the time about everything. It’s a sense of dread, of tight anticipation that something bad is coming, right around the corner, every second of every day. 

It’s illogical and it’s irrational. 

It’s a chemical imbalance that requires meds, balanced nutrition & exercise to mitigate & treat – but there is no “cure”. No magic pill, & no ultimate therapy that makes it go away forever.

And it’s not something you can “fix” by saying “Just don’t worry about it, it’ll all work out. Let it go, why don’t you?” 

I take my meds, & get along pretty well most of the time, anymore, as far as that’s concerned. I still have panic attacks every now and again, but they’re fewer and farther between now, since I started taking better control of my meds & managing my stress in other ways with music, exercise, reading, writing, & my other coping techniques.

My depression, on the other hand…

It’s a sneaky bastard.

High functioning depression is hard to spot in a lot of cases, because the people who live with it are just that good at hiding it.

Here are some of the warning signs that go along with HFD:

1.Difficulty experiencing joy: I know how this will probably sound…but…while I can be happy from time to time, laughing & smiling, going on about my day, I can’t remember the last time I Experienced Joy. True moments where I actually let go of myself and just relished in the joy of a moment? Nope, couldn’t say – it’s been that long. It’s always tinged with the dread of “knowing” that it’s not real.

2. Relentless criticality — of self and others: For me, this is moreso about being self-critical. I know that I do a lot of self a deprecating humor. This is not always healthy. 

3. Constant self-doubt: Yep. 

4. Diminished energy: Mass yep. I’m tired all the time. I try to push through it, because I have to…but there are days I – just crash.

5. Irritability or excessive anger: I try to keep this in check, but yes. I know this is there. There is a well of anger inside of me, that, sometimes, spills to the surface.

6. Small things feel like huge things: And they build up…

7. Feelings of guilt and worry over the past and the future: oh god, remembering things I did from years ago, overanalyzing conversations inside my head, rereading texts and emails to catch “hidden” meanings & subtext…

8. Relying on your coping strategies more and more: I constantly shift my strategies to try to find something that will work, because after a while…they stop working.

9. Generalized sadness: It doesn’t ever go away completely. Not ever.

10. Seeking perfection: In myself, not so much in others. I am my own worst critic in many ways, I know this. 

11. Inability to rest and slow down: My brain never stops. Even in my sleep, obviously, because I’ve been dealing with insomnia for years now. I can fall asleep, but can’t stay asleep, waking 3 and 4 times a night, often from nightmares. And “crash days” don’t seem to garner much in the way of recuperation, it’s more just getting to a point where I can cling by my fingernails again for the next few days.

If you met me for the first time on the street, you’d probably never guess these things about me. 

That’s the nature of High Functioning Depression. “High” being the operative word there, because I do get out of bed every day, go to work, make small talk, handle my life…for the most part…

The depression just sits in the shadow, patient, waiting…

Until I’m alone, usually on the weekends, or at night, when I’m really tired but can’t sleep. 

When my defenses are down.

GAD AND HFD are companions, they mesh well together, and can get so tangled up in each other that they often get misdiagnosed. And the stigma that goes with them is not fun, either.

My ex used to call people with mental disorders like GAD & Depression “weak-minded”.

There’s more than one reason why we’re divorced.

But it’not a weakness of the mind.

It’s a chemical imbalance. And in me, it’s a combination of chemical imbalances & past traumas that cause my issues. I take meds for the one. I work through the other.

Blogging is a help with that.

But the Shadow of GAD and HFD still holds steady over my head, & I know it’s something I’ll live with my whole life. 

As long as I have to sit in the Shadow… maybe I can start trying to think of it as Shade instead…

And at least welcome the fact that it keeps me out of the direct, and damaging UV rays that cause skin cancer?

Well, hell…it’s a theory…

The Road to Bitterness

I used to work for a very sad, lonely, bitter woman. You could almost taste anger in the air around you when she walked into the building, and the days were always longer and more difficult when she hung around the office. She didn’t come around a lot, thank goodness, as she had more than one business she ran, & preferred to spend most of her time at the other place.

While I worked for her, I knew some of her story…how she’d lost her husband to cancer the year I graduated high school, and that this was the reason she was so isolated from others. 

But, I could never really wrap my mind around how much his death had affected her, & how she’d let it change her so.

Not until this year’s changes in my own life started affecting me.

You see…

I finally figured out, that when M lost her husband, her whole life came to a screeching halt. 

Because she couldn’t bear to let it move forward. 

He was her everything. He was her balance, her other side to her life’s coin. She was the saver, the conservative, the grounded, down-to-earth realist…while he was the spender, the dreamer, the up-in-the-clouds risk-taker. He lifted her up from the doldrums, and she brought him back to reality.  They worked together, really, really well, but apart, they spun out of control in opposite directions.

And once he was gone…she ground to a halt. And resented that the world around her kept spinning.

She took it as a personal attack, a total offensive affront, that life didn’t just stop out of respect for his death.

As the years kept flowing past, she refused to acknowledge the truth, & held fast. Hoarding things, trying to fill the hole he left behind with stuff, even though it never worked, she kept at it, & still tries to this day, clinging to the past. Bitter & angry, isolated from the people who would’ve helped her move through her loss.

But she didn’t want to.

Without her Balance, she lost her Passion, her Reason to move forward with the rest of the world.

And so, she moved into Bitterness, and remains there to this day.

My story is different than hers, in that I haven’t lost my life-partner to death.

But, I have lost some of the same Balance…some of my Passion…and my Reason to move forward every day. 

My family, my children, have all scattered  into the winds to live their own lives. Natural, and expected, true, and I knew this day was coming. My caretaking days have always been numbered. Children are not meant to live with their parents for their whole lives.  They are, however, meant to grow up, become independent, move out, seek lives of their own, & leave their parents behind.

This, is right, and good, and natural.

However, this also means that I need to search for a new Balance. A new Passion. A new Reason to get out of bed, to move forward with the world…

Or I risk becoming like M…

I can feel the bitterness seeping into me, some days…

I can sense myself becoming short with others, isolating myself from the world, because I can’t bear to witness their happiness, as I sit outside it, alone, and chafed with the cold of that loneliness.

I’m not angry, yet, that they’re happy…truly, I’m not.

But I envy what I do not have, & I can envision a future where I could hate them for it…if I allowed myself to take that road.

This…

This – terrifies me. That I could become such a hateful thing. 

This is not who I am.

I am a woman who loves.

I am a woman who is a Caretaker.

It has always been one of the deepest purposes of my life. To help others. To take care of those I love.

And to contemplate the possibility that I could actually become so bitter towards others for simply being happy ?

I can’t let this happen.

This – is why I need to leave this place.

I need a fresh start.

All I have here anymore is my job.

And, even though I still love what I do…

It’s not enough.

It’s not enough to get me out of bed every morning, because my job is not my Passion.  It’s not my Balance. And it’s not my Reason.

It’s not enough to keep me from the Bitterness…

And that’s frightening.

This is why I’m making my plan. My one-year plan is to save enough money so that I can move. I will sell the house in which I currently live, & I am going to move to another part of the country for that fresh start. 

I know that it will be scary, starting over at my age. At 47, it’s not always easy to start afresh with the job market, but I have skills that I can take with me to, hopefully, help with that. I have worked in my market for 17 years, & have earned the respect of lenders & realtors alike for my work ethic & skills. And, if I have to start somewhere else at ground level, so be it. I’m humble enough to know that “dirt don’t hurt”.

I just have to get there…

And that means getting off the Road to Bitterness, and on to the Road of Acceptance.

I accept that this is where I am right now.

I accept that my life has changed.

And I accept that I will continue to change every day from here on out because I will it. 

I do NOT accept bitterness.

I do NOT accept stagnation.

I have to continue to free myself from the things which are holding me down, or my wings will never lift me off the ground.