Silent Sunday 9/17/17





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The Good, The Bad, &The Guilt

Today has been…all three.

The Good: I volunteered earlier this week to do a “Parade of Homes” this morning for the local Builders Association, taking tickets, welcoming people to one of the houses on the tour, for a 4-hour stint. 

I and another of my coworkers were paired together, and we had fun, chatting with the folks that showed up, even though it was cold, sitting at a table in the house’s open garage (a brisk 46 degrees, with a nice breeze dancing in from one corner occasionally, thanks!). We had a pretty steady stream of people from the opening time of 10, and were supposed to be relieved by our replacement at 1pm.

The Bad: Our replacement never showed.

About 1:45, we finally got ahold of the organizer of the volunteers, & let her know that we couldn’t stay anymore (my coworker had a child that wasn’t feeling well, & I had other plans as well for my afternoon) , & she was very gracious & thankful that we’d even stayed that long.

So, we packed it in, & left.

When I got home, I started working on my kitchen again. I’m preparing to re-paint, & need to scrub walls, so went & bought a cheap sponge mop at the dollar store, along with a degreaser spray for the walls. 

Then, I decided it was time to clean my ferret, Vinnie’s cage, & give him a bath.

Bath given, I turned him loose on the floor, & started cleaning his cage. He usually runs around like a Tasmanian devil possessed after a bath while I clean his cage. 

Not today.

The Guilt: While replacing the newspapers at the bottom of his cage, after scrubbing, I heard a strange noise in the kitchen.  It sounded like he’d gotten stuck somewhere, & was scrabbling, trying to get out.

He wasn’t stuck.

He was by the cat’s water bucket.

And his back legs were not working.

His back feet were twitching, like he was trying to make them work…but he couldn’t get his hindquarters up off the floor to work like normal.

And I hadn’t noticed when it set him on the floor in the towel.

He was fine just yesterday, what happened?!? 

How could I not notice there was something wrong?

Did he fall somewhere in his cage?

He hasn’t been out of his cage for the last couple of days, and it’s a large, 3-level cage that stands 6 feet tall. He could’ve gotten stuck in the wire-works, somewhere….

And I didn’t see it.

Ferrets are relatively quiet animals, not making much noise, Vinnie quieter than most, he hardly even chatters when he’s excited.

But, how did I not notice this??

Many domesticated ferrets die of cancer as well…

Is this it??

I feel horrible, guilty, and sad.

I know, that if there’s no visible improvement by the beginning of the week, that I’ll have to take him to the vet.

I’m pretty positive that there won’t be improvement. Things like this usually don’t work that way.

You can figure out the logical conclusion.

And that makes this guilt even worse.

Excuse me, I have children to call…


Ashes, Ashes, We all Fall…

I can feel the change inside of me.

Something that used to be there – is missing.

Well, maybe not missing… I think it might be dead.

And all I feel now, inside my soul…is ashes.

Where the flame used to burn brightly, fueling a zeal and passion for things – there is no light. No fire. Not even a spark.

Rejection at every turn will do that.

Something is broken, and, as I sit here among the scattered pieces, I’m not even sure I have the manual on how to fit them back together again.

My fingers lie numb at the ends of my hands, fumbling as I type… (Thank goddess for spell check and the “edit and view” feature before a posting)

I stare at the walls when I don’t have some mindless busywork to do, trying to remember what I used to fill my time with, and it all seems meaningless.

My Kindle keeps me from watching the real world pass me by…books my only true escape.

Working in my kitchen, readying to paint it, keeps me from screaming into my pillows, or crying into endless tissues. It’s pointless, anyway. No one hears.

I try to force myself outside my own comfort zone, even going so far as to volunteer for something through work this weekend, just to get out of the house…but in truth, I’m gritting my teeth and dreading it. 

I hate doing the “small talk social gathering” crap, anymore.

If I could just have one, real thing… Something here, that would make the days even worth it…

I know, I know…psychiatry says that happiness is supposed to come from within, you can’t hang your happiness on outside sources. 

But, when there’s only ashes in your soul…

You have to gather the firewood from somewhere.

You have to borrow the spark from another flame, to relight your own.

Walking through the ashes alone makes me weary.

And yet, I cannot sleep.

 The cycle never seems to end.

I need lightning.

Edit

Race

My extra dose of anxiety meds this evening slides down my throat as my pulse races once again.

Panic waits nearby, always hovering, crackling on the edges of my nerves.

For the last few weeks…things have been, bad, in regards to my anxiety.

I’ve been trying to deal… and for the most part, have kept the panic attacks at bay for now. But it’s just a matter of time.

I know it’ll happen, just not when.

So, I prepare.

I use the exercise to wear myself out every night, pushing myself to exhaustion. 

It’s not just to keep the dreams away.

If I’m worn to a nub, there’s no adrenaline to push through my system…and no fuel for the panic to feed off of.

And this time…I know why my nerves are frayed.

The rejection from the last one started the spiral.

But – it was spiked by E. 

He refuses to leave me alone, even though I’ve told him I’m finished. That I’m moving on with my life without him. I told him that I was through being manipulated, used, left behind. And that he needed to leave me alone from here on out.

He’s refusing to hear me.

Multiple attempts to call, at least on two occasions, he tried to call me – and when I rejected his “private number” and “unknown caller” calls, he rang back immediately – 12 times each day.

I’ve blocked his number, email, texts, etc., but when you make your # “private”? It rings through anyway… It’s stalking. Harassment. Meant to intimidate and manipulate.

I refuse to answer.

But…it reminds me that he will not stop.

Not until he gets what he thinks he wants.

And that makes my anxiety shoot up.

It makes me want to – at the same time – run for the hills and hide… And face him down and smash his face, force him to leave me alone.

I’m so sick of people trying to tell me who they think I should be, what I should do, what I should think, or feel.

I know who I am.

I know my own feelings.

I know what’s right for me.

And I’ll be damned if I’ll ever fucking apologize for any of that, ever again. 

Yes, there’s more than one reason for that last statement, and no E isn’t the only reason. I’m not ready to go into the rest of it, just yet. 

I’m pissed off, anxious, depressed, lonely and fed up. All at the same time.

It’s not easy trying to deal with all of this, but I will. I talk to the Beloved Nephew, but he’s not here…he’s states away, so I ride this wave alone.  So I deal – On my own, because that’s just the way it works. I don’t ask for help until I’m bleeding out. 

You should know this by now.

Need/Want/Wish

There are differences between a Need, a Want, and a Wish.

I Need air and water and food and sleep (some of these things more than others…some I make due with less)

I Want to make my personal goal weight (working on it, slowly but surely), I want to save enough money to visit my Beloved Nephew (working on that too), and I want to eventually work up the courage to write that damned book that the Beloved Nephew keeps hounding me to write!

I Wish I could win the lottery. I wish I could have met Alan Rickman before he passed away, and I wish Chester Bennington was still alive.

See the differences yet?

Needs are things I have to have to continue to live. Air, food, water, sleep…all necessary to life. All things I MUST have, no joke, no choice, no substitutions.

Wants are things I’d like in my life, but have to work for. I get that, and don’t have a problem with working for the things I want. 

Wishes are things that are amorphous and probably not going to happen, at least not anytime soon, if at all. I can wish as hard as I want on a million stars…but it will never bring Alan or Chester back. And the lottery is – kind of a long shot.

I Want a partner to share in my life…but I don’t Need a man to continue to live…I just Wish I could figure out what the hell is going on. Hot and cold, talkative one day, then silence.

After the last 4 years, and all the broken promises E put me through, then the manipulation, the guilt, the breakup & the stalking…I was Hoping for something a little better, something a little easier. 

I Need Clarity.

I Want Honesty

I Wish he’d talk to me, instead of shutting me out, like he promised he wouldn’t do.

I Deserve better than this. 

Get it?



Feathers


So soft and delicate, I hold this fragile thing in my hands. Praying I don’t grip too tightly, hoping my anxious, trembling touch doesn’t drop it.

I see every floating tendril, moving gently in the breeze, tickling my palm, and my eyes alight with happiness. It brings me such joy, this beautiful representation of flight.  

I wish I could hold it close, put it in my pocket, keep it safe with me forever, but I know that would destroy it’s shape, tear apart it’s very form and it’s beauty, and that I cannot do.

So, as much as it will hurt me…

When the time comes…

I will let it go.


Headspace

After this last weekend, I feel as though I’ve been on a rollercoaster that ran through a tornado.

On fire.

Well, maybe not on fire, literally…

But, my brain sure hasn’t slowed down long enough to catch up with all that’s happened to my emotions.

It started on Wednesday.

I was talking to one of my coworkers, who just so happens to live in the same town as my first ex-husband.

And I asked her if she ever saw him around…and if she did, to say “hi” to him from me.

Long history short, I was trying to let him know that there were no hard feelings over the past, & that everything was cool with my end of the world as far as we were concerned.

That night, I received a text from a unknown number, with a photo attached.

Of 2 of my coworkers…and my ex-husband.

Who – just coincidentally happened to run into each other at the state fair. 

Cause this shit happens in my life.

Thinking the unknown number was said coworker, I replied “LOL, what a coincidence!”

And got a reply from — my ex-husband.

Who I proceeded to text back & forth with for the next two days.

Who asked me to go out to dinner with him Friday night, which I did.

And then, proceeded to ask me if there was a possibility that we could try again for a relationship.

Buckle up.

Click……..click……click… click ..click click…click…..click…clickclickclickclick…

J and I have a long history. 

In the past when we first met, we moved way too fast, didn’t know how to handle conflict, or each other, & we each had things we needed to do, places we needed to go, people we needed to be…and we couldn’t do that together – not the first time around. Our marriage blew up in our faces after a short & stormy whirlwind of a relationship.

4 years ago, we found each other again, and…once again, tried to move things along way too fast. At least, he seemed to want it that way, until he suddenly disappeared off the radar after only a month of dating. I was left, floundering & confused, not knowing what had happened, and without any communication from him…

I wrote a letter, telling him that I was hurt, but that if he ever decided he was ready to talk, he knew where to find me.  I still loved him, but couldn’t hold onto someone who didn’t want to be with me. I had to try to let go.

Hence, telling the coworker to pass along the “hi”.

I knew he’d never make the first concession, never say the first word.

So, I nudged the brake.

And the rollercoaster took off.

I’m not sure where the ride will take us, just yet.

I’m still anxious about being left in the dark, alone & silent, again.

Although, I asked for 2 things.

That he be honest, and that he not shut me out. Whatever comes up, we talk about it. 

Everything is new and fragile, yet familiar…I know this man, I feel so comfortable talking to him, being around him. It’s natural, like breathing in and out.

My headspace is so full…

And the tornado spins.