Zombieland

For the last couple of nights I’ve been spending the major portion of my time just sitting. 

Thinking about everything & nothing, it’s been chaotic & silent inside my brain, both at the same time.

Rather like having the TV set on a static-only channel, white noise the constant companion, I haven’t been able to focus long enough to actually accomplish anything of note.  I have crafts that sit on my shelf, mocking me, telling me silently that, if I don’t get busy soon, I’ll be letting myself, as well as others, down. My house quietly collects all the dog and cat hair in corners, dust bunnies turning into rabid, mini badgers just waiting to grow up into Tazzy-devils.  I have 4 days of my dishes in the sink, waiting for me, only to be passed over as I can’t seem to motivate myself to take care of them.

I know I need to just push myself.  I know this.

But…

Yesterday was chaotic & emotionally difficult.

Hell, that’s an understatement.

Yesterday evening was an emotional train wreck.

And all it took was a phone call to derail my brain & heart.

Some of the biggest decisions I’d made lately, fell apart in one conversation. And I’m still trying to process it all.

Only, it seems my thoughts have gotten stuck in zombieland, and one of the undead is gnawing on my brain, while another has gone after my heart…

A Work in Progress

I’ve been a work in progress since the day I was born, always reaching, striving, seeking. Sometimes I reach my goals, sometimes I have to reset the bar, due to (A) having unrealistic goals to start with; and (B) outside factors that affect my ability to get there.

One of my goals since my divorce has been to lose weight.  It’s been an ongoing struggle.  I was miserable during the last few years of my marriage, & my body showed it. But I’m working on that.

Now, this next part…isn’t so easy to post.  It makes me feel very vulnerable. But…that’s what this blog is for – to share the parts of my life that I’m not always comfortable sharing…so, here goes.

This was me in 2009. The pink lashes went along with the pink shirt for something we were doing at work regarding breast cancer awareness.  The pink just makes the picture one I like even less, as I’m so not a pink person.

Ugh. I hate that picture of me, but I keep it to remind & motivate me to never let myself get that unhealthy again. Physically or emotionally.

And… Here I am today.

I’d cut the head right off the picture if I could, bad hair…

But there’s progress. 

And that’s the important part. 

Life is Short

Life is too short to be mean, or cowardly.

If you care about someone, even a little, treat them with kindness and consideration, because even if they’re acting in a way you don’t understand, you don’t know the back story unless you ask.

If you care about someone a lot, you need to tell them. You never know when this moment will be the last time you get to say those words to them.

If you love someone, show them, for fuck’s sake. Prove it. Don’t just assume they know, because they might not.

And if you don’t get the same reciprocated….

Let them go.

Because if you truly meant something to them in return…they need to prove it, too.

And you deserve better.

So do I.

Letter to Myself

Dear Jen,

I just wanted to drop you a line, to check in, and to let you know…

It’s all going to be Ok.

I promise.

I know that things haven’t been great for you recently. I know that you’ve been struggling to find your balance, your peace, with everything that’s been going on, and that you’ve been beating yourself up over that.

Stop.

Stop right now.

You don’t deserve the pain you’ve been putting yourself through- you truly don’t, and I’d appreciate it if you’d cease and desist. 

Your friends would appreciate if you’d cease & desist.  They truly do care about you, you know this, and they’ve told you so. Listen to them. They’re smart.

E putting you off for 3 years is not your fault. You’ve been holding onto hope for so long, and I know it hurts when you have it dragged out this long, but seriously? He needs to put up or shut up, and you need to stop feeling guilty about thinking about moving on without him.

Someday, you will find someone who will treat you with respect. Someone who will love you, and will not only tell you so, but will prove it.

B ignoring you is not your fault. You tried to talk to him, and left the door open for conversation, so it’s his decision and choice.

Matter of fact, you’re not responsible for anyone else’s feelings and/or reactions. 

Only your own.

K’s problems with G are not your fault, either. Yes, it’s like reliving your past a bit, but there’s nothing you can do about it, nor should you. You can provide compassion, a comfortable shoulder to cry on when necessary, and love to boost her back up. That’s all that’s required, as it’s her life, so she’s the one who has to decide what to do.

And you need to stop letting others get you so worked up, and take more moments to breathe before you react. You know that if you just sleep on it, or give it at least a little more time, you’ll calm down, and be able to see things a little clearer.

And if it’s still worth getting worked up over, you have the extra rest to use.

And you do know how to kick some ass, when necessary. You’ve been fighting for others for years, and have gotten a pretty good reputation as a bouncer when needed.

Just learn how to do it for yourself, too, would you? Please? For both of us?

Thanks.

Sincerely,

Me

Funny Girl

The mask is in place

That everyone sees

Happy and calm

But it’s not really me

Laugh, funny girl, laugh

It’s all a big joke

Smile at the words

So they don’t see you choke

You think too much

Just make your mind blank

Don’t worry so much

Just enjoy the prank

You see what I show you

Because you don’t look too deep

Only the surface

That way you can sleep

I’ll never admit it

I’ll never tell

The mask wears my face

While my soul sits in hell

It’s All About Me

This blog is, anyway.

What I write here, comes from my head, my heart, my fingertips. 

Yes, I’ve talked about my kids, my family, my friends…but these are people who are in my life, so once again, it circles back to yours truly in the end.  How I feel about them, how I feel about what they said, or did, or what happened to them.  It’s my perspective on the world around me, and the people in it, that you end up reading.

So, it’s my galaxy, my universe, here.  And that gives me permission to say what I want…within my own limits.

If you are a satellite in the orbit of this, my universe, you run the risk of finding your story appearing somewhere within the lines of my posts. I might not use your real name (probably won’t, as I try to protect the people I care about from the rigors of others knowing their words, actions, stories), but, sooner or later, something I write will resonate in your mind. 

Hey, I resemble that remark!

And if it makes you laugh, or makes you cringe, well… It’s still my story told here.

As I read somewhere, “If they wanted you to write warmly about them, they should have behaved better.”

I’m not an impossible person to get along with. I have only a few rules that you really shouldn’t break, at least, not if you want to stay inside the circle.

1. Don’t lie to me.

2. Don’t break promises. Matter of fact, don’t make promises, unless you absolutely know you can keep them.

3. And to expand on #2, if you tell me you’re going to do something? Doesn’t matter if you say the word “promise” or not. I will take you at your word. If you can’t do what you said you were going to? Call, text, message me. I’m not insensitive, & I know that plans change because life gets in the way. 

But, I do also have feelings. I won’t put up with being “ghosted” or ignored. It’s rude, insensitive, & ultimately, it tells me that I mean shit to you.  So I’ll be on my way, without a backward glance. 

I’m worth more than that.

4. I expect my friends & family to call me out on my bullshit, too. I am an introvert with anxiety, which means I don’t really like going out, much. I detest crowds. So, sometimes, if I’ve made plans with someone, I’ll try to worm out of them. And I can also get irrational when my anxiety is really high, or my depression really low. My friends & family care enough to talk me down, ride it out, and wait for the storm to pass.

5. Don’t do anything to hurt my friends or family. I’m awful at sticking up for myself, but if anyone hurts someone I care for? Back up, & buckle up. It’s going to get ugly, fast.

That’s it. 

Don’t lie, don’t jerk me around, don’t let me be a jerk, & don’t hurt the ones I love.

Not that hard to follow, right?

In other words…

Don’t be a dick.

Because if you are… Chances are you’ll see yourself in the words I write…and it won’t end with “happily ever after”.