Times & Anxiety

Anxiety has been at a peak for a while now, and I’ve been working on getting through it. It’s not always easy, & some days, the anxiety overrides everything else, & I’m left clutched in it, and all the side effects that come with it.

There are some ways I’ve found to combat the anxiety, though, & for me, at least… It helps…mostly.

In no particular order:

1. Music.  Different moods require different genres. Some days I’m Enya & Chopin, Halsey, Adele & Sara Bareilles.

Other days, I’m Metallica & Linkin Park, AC/DC, and Ozzy.

And some days, I’m Ruelle, Twenty One Pilots, Sia, Pink, Christina Aguilera, Meghan Trainor & Bollywood music.

Music helps, and sometimes, I hear it without the radio, softly humming in my head, the background noise of the earth, like a singing bowl, just a soft, lilting ringing…

2. Candles. I have a few. Different scents for different moods. Soft ones, light & clean ones, heavy woodsy ones, spicy, energetic ones. Lit, they fill the house with whatever scent I need at the moment, changing the mood of the room…and me.

3.  Sally.

She always knows when I need to snuggle, & she’s right there, in my lap, in my face, purring like a rough motor, & determined to be as close as possible.

4. Hot water.  Whether a bath or shower, there is a calming that falls over me in the hot water. If my water heater was larger, I’d spend hours in the water. 

I also love the rain…something about it, whether the sound, the smell in the air, or watching the drops roll down the window – something just – hits me in the feels, when it rains.

5. Soft fabrics.  I’ve said before that I’m a tactile person. When I’m stressed, or anxious, soft, comfy fabrics, warm, fuzzy clothes & blankets… They work. Curl up in my chair, or snuggle up in bed, & I automatically feel better.

6. Crafts & home renovations.  I almost forgot! Crafting is like meditation for me, taking my attentions & stresses, & turning them to concentration on creating something new from bits & pieces. Home renovations are like that, too. Changing my surroundings to something more my taste, & doing something positive that will make my home a more soothing place. I’ve been painting walls in my home, going from a dirty beige to a clean, crisp, light grey. Knowing that I’m doing these things independently, accomplishing more every time I pick up the roller & brushes, the craft supplies, makes me feel good.  And the results show that I am making strides in changing my world & life for the better.

First time trying to post a home video…

And the cat you hear crying in the background? Chloe…OnlySon’s minion, trying to videobomb me…sheesh.

These methods don’t always work, but they do help most of the time. And when they don’t…

I deal.

Because I know that Time passes, & eventually… So does the anxiety.

Starting From Zero

This time of year, I usually start to look inward, burrowing back into my turtle shell, & going even more introverted than normal.

(Yes, it’s possible, even with someone as non-social as me)

I’ve been exploring & studying more about the INFJ personality type, which is what I’m told I am.

And I’m learning that, I’m not “wrong”. I’m not “antisocial”. And I’m not something to be fixed.

I am fine the way I am. I like my space. I like being quiet, taking in my surroundings, listening to others more, when in a group setting, than in being talkative & social.

It’s not wrong that I don’t enjoy large crowds.

It’s not broken that I have a definite need to spend time alone to recharge after forcing myself to socialize.

It’s not sad, or tragic, or depressing that I have a small group of friends who I’m very close to, instead of a large contingent of “friendly acquaintances”.

There’s nothing broken, here, and I wish I could make certain people understand that. There’s no reason to try to change my personality or behaviors. Just because they don’t match what some think would be “better” for me.

The only person who knows what’s truly right for me is me.

But, these people who keep saying “You just need to get out there more”, & “Just be more friendly, smile more, be more of a morning person, you’ll feel better”.

No. I won’t.

That’s them, projecting what they want onto me.

That’s not me.

And I’m done placating them.

Be true to yourself. Whoever that is.

As long as your words & actions aren’t harming anyone else, then it’s not wrong.

This time of year, for me, is rather like starting from Zero. The year resets on Oct. 31, which is Pagan New Year, and I’m a clean slate. 

I feel as though my emotional batteries are bottomed out, which makes me want to “turtle up” even more. I need to recharge, reset my boundaries, my goals, my baselines.

So, having others tell me that they think there are things “wrong” with how I live my life…really twists the knife, right now.

I’m not having it.

I’m not broken.

I don’t need fixing, or changing.

And I won’t apologize for being who I am, anymore.

People Think I’m Joking

When I say that I’m introverted, I get rolling eyes, & scoffing laughter. Sometimes I get a full blown “HA! Yeah, right. Whatever.”

They don’t believe me, because all they see is my “business face”, or my public persona. I put on a pretty good show, for those I deal with at work & out with the public.

But for those precious few who know me outside the office, they know better.

They know that I’d rather spend an evening at home, curled up in my favorite chair, blanket snuggled, with a good book, or Netflix, and just be outside the public eye.
They know that I get overwhelmed in crowds, & have a tendency to work my way to the edges of gatherings, where the noise level drops, & there isn’t so much of the pressing of people on all sides.  The quicker to make my getaway…

They know that, given a choice, I’ll often back out of plans, citing reasons that might not make sense to anyone else, but to me, they’re the smokescreen for my real reason – I often prefer to just go home to my quiet space, rather than have to try to keep up the public image for more than the 8 hours required during the workweek.

And, those chosen few who abide within my innermost circle know…

Well, if you’re one of them, I don’t need to reiterate; and if you’re not, then I choose not to share that particular truth. 

Just because I might come off as an outgoing, sarcastic, self-deprecating, funny, blah, blah, extrovert…

Don’t get it twisted.

I’m an Innie, not an Outie.

And that’s not a problem to be “fixed”.

It’s just how I roll…like an armadillo…covered up & well-armored.

Peak Hours

Anxiety is so bad right now. 

Random pains are causing aches & spasms in muscles that shouldn’t be hurting.

Heart is racing, breathing is fast & uncomfortable. It actually hurts to draw breath, & I know I’m not inhaling deeply enough, but can’t seem to regulate it myself.

Hands & feet itch & twitch, restless & irritating. 

Why?!?

I can’t pinpoint the reason for this slow-building panic attack. It just keeps getting worse as the evening goes on.

Please, Goddess, let this be the peak of my anxiety, so I can see the other side, sloping down & away. Please let me be on the downhill slide of this.

I’m not into extended adrenaline rushes.

I just want to sleep, but know it won’t happen till I can calm myself somewhat.

Time for some external assistance.

Blessed Kwan Yin, hear my plea.

Calm and serene, comfort me.

Mother of Mercy, hold me still

Peace surrounds, by your will

Loving Goddess, I ask this now

Heal my soul, your child by vow.

Floating

My anxiety has been super high for the last 3 or 4 days, & I’m not sure why. Stress is always a factor, sure, but the last couple days haven’t been any more stressful than usual, & it’s been relatively quiet at the house, so it’s not that.

I started a new fitness & diet plan…but it’s not that. I’ve been exhausted almost every night since starting the new exercise goals, & have been falling asleep in my chair, only to wake up & hobble off to bed in the wee hours of the morning.

I’m starting a new class on Tuesday, but I know it’s not that.

I’m going to be in an intermediate horseback riding class. I grew up with horses, rode them like a maniac when younger, but haven’t been on one in 25 years. Skills might be a little rusty, but nothing to make me anxious. In fact, I’m excited & eager to start the class. I’ve missed horses…


My beloved Snooker! Such an amazing horse, & always up for a parade.

Anyway…

The anxiety just simmers, under the surface, all day long… And when I get home, it fills me…until my head starts to feel as though it were floating. Time ceases to mean anything, & hours go by without me registering them. 

Static… Snow on the visuals…floating…

Maybe it’s the moon…

Maybe it’s just life…

Maybe…

It’s just me…..

The Lie I Tell Myself

So many things I want to say

So many questions to ask

But I don’t feel very brave today

And I’m hiding behind my mask

Can you hear my heart

Cracking in my voice

Can you see the tears

In my smile

Won’t you say the words

Or just walk away

The pain stops in a little while

Can you feel the lie I tell myself

For sanity’s own sweet sake

Please – just say the words

Or let me go

There’s not much more

I can take.