Selling my Soul

My emotions have been a rollercoaster lately, not gonna lie.

And I don’t see the situation changing in the near future. 

But, today at work, I had a “minipiphany”. 

I was talking to a coworker about my current relationship situation (there’s only 1 there who gets to, or, maybe, is forced to listen to my relationship foibles & follies – Because I know she’ll keep shut about it), & while I was describing the phone conversation I had with E on Saturday night, I figured something out.

Ok, a little back story music, if you please, maestro…

A few years ago, the first time I ventured into the world of online dating, I met – the Dragon. That is my nickname for him here, & it fits for many reasons, none of which are pertinent to this particular story. We got along very well, even though he is living on a small island in the Caribbean, so is geographically inconvenient. We spent a lot of time talking online, via Skype, & had even planned a meet up.

There was a period where he disappeared for about 6 months, due to some obligations that were very hush hush, & I didn’t know where he’d gone, or even if he was alive or dead.  After 6 months of messaging, emailing, & attempting contact via text, I finally decided that he was probably gone for good, & tried online dating again. 

Meeting E. 

Shortly after, the Dragon showed back up, & as happy as I was to see him, I did tell him that I’d met someone, & felt I owed it to E to see where it went. (E had already told me he loved me, & wanted to marry me- fast, I know. It made me nervous, & I wasn’t sure I wanted to move that fast. Ironic, that)

The Dragon told me that he couldn’t get into any kind of relationship anyway, after what had happened in his last, he felt too vulnerable, & exited stage left.

It hurt me. A lot. In the time we’d known each other, I had come to think of him as Chosen Family, & that doesn’t get said about very many people. But, I’ve only ever wanted him to be happy, so had to let go, instead of begging him to stay.

Fast forward to December, 2016.

I dreamt about the Dragon, & knew I needed to contact him, to let him know I’d never forgotten him. I waited till after the New Year, fearful of rejection, but I sent off an email.

He responded positively, & we’ve exchanged a couple of emails since.

About this same time, I’d told E that I was done waiting, done being last place to everything else, & I had “drawn the line where I said No More.” 

These 2 events were mutually exclusive, having no bearing on one another.

BUT, getting back to today’s miniature revelation.

I told the coworker that if E showed up on my doorstep tomorrow, I didn’t know what I’d do. After all the broken promises, the shattered trust, I honestly don’t know if I can get myself back into that relationship far enough to ever trust him again.

And I realized…

If the Dragon showed up at my door tomorrow…

I know exactly what my decision would be.  I’d choose him. Every time. In whatever capacity he needed me to fill in his life. Friend, pen pal, confidante, family, lover, you get the picture.

So, coworker said “Ok, so there’s your answer. Tell E you’re out.” 

But, here’s where I am weak. Here’s where I fall apart.

E still wants to marry me. 

He says he loves me, & will always love me. He wants forever. (If he can ever fucking get here) 

I am 46.

And overweight, & have health issues, & mental issues like anxiety & depression.

Gods…

I feel weak even saying this, & I want to cry, & kick myself, & just crawl in a hole.

Part of me wants to stay with E…simply because I don’t think anyone will ever make me this offer of marriage & forever, ever again.

And I don’t want to be alone forever.

I know someone who would be happy to be FWB, but doesn’t want monogamy & commitment. 

I do. I want monogamy. I want commitment. I want forever.

I’ll never get to have a 50th anniversary with anyone. 

But, I want to have anniversaries again.

And, I have no idea whether the Dragon will stay around this time, or if he’ll disappear again.

I don’t know what his feelings are at all, right now.

I wish I did, but I don’t.

And, there’s E. 

I can’t stand hurting anyone.

But someone’s going to end up being hurt by whatever decision I make.

It’s a foregone conclusion that I’ll end up hurting, either way.

There’s no winning.

If I tell E I’m out, I’ll hurt him, hurt myself, & possibly end up alone for the rest of my life. If I stay with him, I feel as though I would possibly be selling my soul to prevent loneliness.

If I tell the Dragon how I feel, I could scare him off. If I tell him I’m staying with E, I’ll hurt him. I know it. And I could end up alone there, too, because dragons are unpredictable & skittish.

If I tell them both that I’m out, that I can’t take the whipsawing back & forth, the uncertainty, everyone ends up hurt.

So, what happens next? 

Stay tuned to see if I sell my soul, hand off my broken, twisted heart, or curl up into a defensive posture & roll away into the night, leaving all I know behind to start over somewhere else.

Not quite a rose ceremony…more like a bad emo poetry reading with stale cookies & knock off koolaid.

Fuck.

Panic Attacks and Pain

Last night was horrendous.

The man that I’ve been in a long distance relationship with for the past 3.5 years has been texting me pretty much non-stop, with me avoiding replying, trying to distance myself from the pain. I had told him months ago that I couldn’t take the distance anymore, & that my seeming lack of importance in his list of priorities, namely, that he’d never once, in those 3.5 years attempted to see me face to face, breaking promise after promise, was too much.  I couldn’t do it anymore, and it had to stop.

I succeeded in the not-replying for a week.

Guilt trips, anger, begging, bargaining, & even subtle threats coupled with accusations weren’t enough to get me to respond. In fact, it drove me further away.

Until last night.

And in the depths of remorse over the hurt I was causing another human being, I reached out.

What followed was a sobbing, wrenching, painful phone call that left me wrung out emotionally, & in the throes of a violent panic attack. 

I didn’t sleep last night.

Finally, after taking some medication to force me to sleep, I stole about 3 hours of rest this morning, only to wake in the middle of another panic attack.

Heart racing, short of breath, and shaking, I’ve been huddled in my house, constantly on the verge of tears, & unable to calm myself until just the last hour or so, when the anti-anxiety medication finally took over.

Now, numb & hollowed out, I don’t know what to do anymore.

Heart and head war with one another.

Logic and emotion cannot agree.

And the pain of either decision before me looms large, black and all-consuming.

Either way, someone will be in pain.

Either way, I will hurt.

And it will be me who causes it.

Can I run now?

Fine

I’m fine.

Except when he calls. Because I won’t answer, I let it ring, silently, while I attempt to get ready for my day; putting on the mask I have to wear for the next 8-9 hours, so no one knows there’s anything wrong. But I know it’s ringing, even when it’s laid, facedown, on my sink. I know it’s ringing, 3 or 4 separate times, because he simply – Won’t. Stop. Calling.

I’m fine.

Except when he texts, because I refuse to answer during the day, trying to remain focused on what I have to get through at work, knowing that he’s furious & accusatory; pleading one minute and threatening the next…I can’t even look to see what he’s sent most of the time, but then…have to look when I take a break, because, like a train wreck…you just- have to look. And then the shakes start. And I have to remember how to breathe, and when to smile, so no one knows there’s anything wrong. Doubling the anxiety meds some days just to take the edge off to appear “normal”.

I’m fine.

Except late at night, when I have to put my phone on vibrate, so it doesn’t ring in the middle of the night, when he’s frantically trying to get me to answer him – due to the time difference between here and there.

I’m fine.

Except that I can’t block the communication completely, my lovely phone plan not allowing me to block, but only to “auto-refuse”, which means I don’t see the calls coming anymore, but it doesn’t stop the texting, or the emailing.

I’m fine.

Because I refuse to tell people around me that he – Will. Not. Listen. To what I told him. That I’m done, I can’t take the broken promises anymore, and I need to focus on the life I have going on around me, instead of some long-drawn-out and never-manifesting wish I had that I could be happy with someone, that I could be loved by someone responsible & honest & someone with integrity & commitment to me in his heart.

I’m fine. 

Don’t worry.

I’m fine.

Because I will get this behind me, somehow, some way. I will do this on my own, because I refuse to be a burden or an obligation to anyone, and this is my responsibility to handle this fucking mess. I don’t want pity – I hate seeing it on anyone’s face.

So I don’t tell.  I don’t talk.

I’m fine.

50 Things

​I saw this on another blog, & decided to take a swing at it…

1. What’s the first thing you grab for in the morning?

 My phone, checking email while I pee is good time management, yes?

2. Who is your biggest inspiration in life?

My parents.  They have been through some hairy, tragic, tough shit in their lives, yet next year they will have been married 50 years, & they’re just really down-to-earth, caring, compassionate, truly kind folks who take in strays & will invite strangers to Thanksgiving if they find out they have no one else to celebrate with.

3. What do you think people notice most about you?

They probably see the humor first, because that’s how I keep my defenses safe. If I have you laughing, you won’t hurt me, right?

4. Who do you hope people notice most about you?

My humor, duh, I don’t want to get hurt. 

5. What is your biggest weakness/fatal flaw?

Probably that I’m suuuper independent & refuse to ask for help with my personal problems.

6. What is your biggest strength?

Probably that I’m suuuper independent, & can MacGyver a fix for most anything.

7. What to you is the perfect, most ideal age to be?

27. Don’t ask why, just believe me.


8. High school. Awesome or terrible?

Fucking awful


9. Cats or dogs?

Any and all, except reptiles. You name it, I’ve probably had one as a pet at some point (well, no exotics, so leave off the platypus and fennec fox)


10. Adjective that best describes you when you’re drunk?

Goofy…and usually way too fucking honest

11. Why do you love your best friend so much?

He knows who I am, warts & all, & loves me. Plus, he’s my partner in crime when I want to hit up Denny’s and mess with the wait staff by speaking the whole time with British accents.

12. Where do you want to go more than any other place in the world?
Canouan Island. For reasons.

13. Beaches or snow?
Beaches, or forests. Why aren’t forests an option here?

14. What is your absolute, number one, biggest pet peeve?
RUDENESS

15. What is one personality trait you simply have no time for?
Entitlement.  Get over yourself. We all end up wormfood eventually.

16. Zodiac, MBTI, or Birth Order? Which is the one you lean towards?
Hmm…I’ve used them all in describing & in figuring out people. I can’t choose, I’m such a Gemini, Youngest Child, INFJ.

17. Do you believe in something after death?
Yes. But that’s all you get unless you ask me straight out.  I would say that we’re all going to hell in a handbasket, but I’m Pagan, & don’t believe in handbaskets.

18. How does someone instantaneously get on your good side?
Make me laugh with something intelligent AND funny.

19. How about your bad side?
Interrupt me mid-sentence. End of discussion.

20. How do you hope you’re described by people when you’re not around?
I would hope they say I’m funny, or kind, or smart, or good with duct tape.
21. What is your least favorite attribute about yourself?
My weight, but I’m working on that.

22. Is it okay to sleep with socks on?
Depends on what you’ve put the socks on.

23. Coffee or tea?
Flavored water. What is WITH these limited choices, I ask?

24. How many dates until you feel like it’s okay to have sex with someone?
Depends on the someone, & depends on my mood, honestly. Creepers, stalkers & fuckboys get an instant boot to the Auto Zone…the auto-reject zone.

25. What is your love language?
Braille. Let your fingers do the talking. On my neck & shoulders. For at least 5 minutes. Maybe with some warm oil or nice eucalyptus lotion.

26. Do you or do you not believe in ghosts?
Yep

27. What’s your vice?
Well, it’s a little red c-clamp just the right size for crafting & holding shit still. Do I need to get Google or Webster’s Dictionary in on this discussion? Why are you so curious about my crafting tools? Sicko.

28. Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram?
Fb, mostly. But I dabble on IG. Twitter I haven’t twitted in years. And even Fb has taken a dive for me. 

29. Favorite artist?

Shawn Coss right now. Wicked stuff.

https://www.facebook.com/ShawnCossArtrocities/
30. Odd numbers or even numbers?
42. 42 is always the answer.

31. Do you believe in organizing or life or letting things just happen?
I like to organize, mostly. But relaxing & just going with something can be a nice change, once in a while. I’m not 27 anymore, I like a little foreknowledge so I can pack my purse or pockets appropriately. Never know when you’ll need emergency gum or a roll of dental floss, yes, I have both.

32. Are you more right brained or left brained?
I’m fully brained, it’s just not always fully functional. Like, when I’m conscious.

33. Which do you prefer, logic or creativity?
Both. Again…fully brained. You need to have both. Geez.

34. Do you think opposites truly attract?
Well, the magnets all say it works. I’m just listening to the magnets.

35. What is your Hogwarts house?
I’d probably be a Ravenclaw. I ask weird questions, too. and give even weirder answers. 

36. Ask for permission or ask for forgiveness?
Neither. Are you a grownup or a malcontent? I say, do what feels right for you, as long as no one gets hurt, & it doesn’t break any laws.

37. Do you think chemistry is instant or grows with time?
I think chemistry is a class in school. I don’t want any of that shit I used to see in the beakers growing anywhere around me, thanks. I know what happens to people around growing chemistry. Radiation poisoning and burnt eyebrows. That’s what happens in chemistry.

38. Do you trust someone until proven otherwise or do you think trust has to be earned no matter who with?

Anymore? Trust has to be fucking earned with iron-clad sincerity. If you say something -MEAN. IT.

39. Are there situations in which you think lying is okay and understandable?

I have a horrible time with lies. I can’t tell them well, & hate having them said to me. Let’s just go with truth.

40. Comfortable silences or non-stop conversation?
Silence can be very good. Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver. Both get the job done. and honestly? Too much (meaningless small talk) conversation makes me want to shove red hot knitting needles in my ears.

41. Do you believe in fate or do you think we’re in complete control over our circumstances?
Little of both, actually. 

42. Love or money?
LOVE. ALWAYS. Money just pays the bills. Love makes it worth living.

43. Impulsive or methodical?
Again, why pigeonhole me? I can definitely be both. Hello…Gemini!

44. Are you pro-technology/constantly connected or do you think digital detoxes are super necessary?
Yes.

45. Do you think it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?
It’s better to have loved and kept, but that doesn’t seem to work for me. They always leave.

46. Do you question things even if it will bother someone or do you try to not rock the boat?
I hate confrontation, but sometimes you have to get out of the damn boat & go looking for the shore.

47. TV shows or Movies?
A little of both, depending on whether I feel like turning on the TV at all.

48. Books or Magazines?
Books. Always.

49. Which is more preferable — being nice or being fair?
Being fairly nice and nicely fair. But no one gets to win ALL the time.

50. Describe what would bring you the ultimate happiness in life
Finding him – the one I can Love for the rest of my life, who will love me back. But I’m not holding my breath for that, anymore. Like I said before, they leave. Right now, I’m concentrating on finding moderate to medium happiness, & on the really tough days…a chocolate covered potato chip.

Bonfire of the Sanity

I’ve never been a believer in the “bad luck” of Friday the 13th.

However…

Today, could have been the exception to that belief.

Men…can be so thoughtless, hurtful and cruel. (Yes, I’m sure women can be too, but since I’m not bisexual or gay, my romantic relationships have never involved the feminine gender)

Everything seemed to go up in flames today.

The man I’ve been talking to for 3.5 years? Well, on New Year’s Day, I told him that I wasn’t going to wait anymore. That I was tired of always coming in last place on the priority list. I’d told him months earlier that if he couldn’t make me a priority & actually keep his word by the end of 2016, that I was done.

The time lapsed, he still hasn’t decided that I’m important enough to merit meeting face to face, so…I ended it.

At least, on my side.

He…won’t stop texting & attempting to call. He’s furious that I’m actually sticking by what I said. 

He’s blaming me for the situation.

Every decision he’s made, he’s made on his own, for his own reasons, & tells me about them after he’s already decided & taken that step. How is this my fault?

So, I threw my phone in my purse & ignored him for most of the day.

I hate confrontation & arguments.

Cue the next thing.

Another man I know, who I dated in the past, starts sending me mixed messages. He’s never wanted the “forever” thing, so I never bothered to bring it up, knowing it was a moot point, & would never come to pass. I’ve never let myself say the “L” word with him, because I do want monogamy, commitment, & marriage again, someday. 

But today, in the emotional turmoil I was experiencing with E, I start getting messages from this other man, that sounded almost romantic & sentimental. (I say almost because I don’t know what to believe anymore with this, whether it was meant as a “haha-funny”, or if it was supposed to be taken for real).

I’m so messed up in the head right now.

PLUS, (yeah, there’s more)…

I sent an email the other day to a man I knew a few years ago, who I dreamt about, & felt compelled to contact. We were emotionally close at one time, and confided in each other a lot of personal stuff. We were close to seeing if we could “make a go of it” romantically, when he suddenly backed up & disappeared.  It destroyed me for a long time, & I’ve never completely gotten over the loss. Not just as a romantic prospect, but as a dear friend, & someone I’d come to think of as Chosen Family.

I didn’t expect a response at all, as he was pretty clear about not wanting any kind of relationship with anyone, ever. (Miles of bad relationship road behind him, & a fear of getting hurt again)

He responded, & wants to talk as soon as he returns from a work trip he had to go on.

Flaming unicorns on pogo sticks.

My sanity won’t take much more.

My brain is on fire, my heart is in pieces, and I can’t see the point of continuing with much of anything right now.
So, after I finish this post…

I’m putting down the phone, face down, so I don’t have to see it’s mocking screen…and I’m going to pour myself an adult beverage.

Or six.

No, I’m not laughing as I write this.

I’m completely fucking serious.

And I’m seriously completely fucked.