50 Things

​I saw this on another blog, & decided to take a swing at it…

1. What’s the first thing you grab for in the morning?

 My phone, checking email while I pee is good time management, yes?

2. Who is your biggest inspiration in life?

My parents.  They have been through some hairy, tragic, tough shit in their lives, yet next year they will have been married 50 years, & they’re just really down-to-earth, caring, compassionate, truly kind folks who take in strays & will invite strangers to Thanksgiving if they find out they have no one else to celebrate with.

3. What do you think people notice most about you?

They probably see the humor first, because that’s how I keep my defenses safe. If I have you laughing, you won’t hurt me, right?

4. Who do you hope people notice most about you?

My humor, duh, I don’t want to get hurt. 

5. What is your biggest weakness/fatal flaw?

Probably that I’m suuuper independent & refuse to ask for help with my personal problems.

6. What is your biggest strength?

Probably that I’m suuuper independent, & can MacGyver a fix for most anything.

7. What to you is the perfect, most ideal age to be?

27. Don’t ask why, just believe me.


8. High school. Awesome or terrible?

Fucking awful


9. Cats or dogs?

Any and all, except reptiles. You name it, I’ve probably had one as a pet at some point (well, no exotics, so leave off the platypus and fennec fox)


10. Adjective that best describes you when you’re drunk?

Goofy…and usually way too fucking honest

11. Why do you love your best friend so much?

He knows who I am, warts & all, & loves me. Plus, he’s my partner in crime when I want to hit up Denny’s and mess with the wait staff by speaking the whole time with British accents.

12. Where do you want to go more than any other place in the world?
Canouan Island. For reasons.

13. Beaches or snow?
Beaches, or forests. Why aren’t forests an option here?

14. What is your absolute, number one, biggest pet peeve?
RUDENESS

15. What is one personality trait you simply have no time for?
Entitlement.  Get over yourself. We all end up wormfood eventually.

16. Zodiac, MBTI, or Birth Order? Which is the one you lean towards?
Hmm…I’ve used them all in describing & in figuring out people. I can’t choose, I’m such a Gemini, Youngest Child, INFJ.

17. Do you believe in something after death?
Yes. But that’s all you get unless you ask me straight out.  I would say that we’re all going to hell in a handbasket, but I’m Pagan, & don’t believe in handbaskets.

18. How does someone instantaneously get on your good side?
Make me laugh with something intelligent AND funny.

19. How about your bad side?
Interrupt me mid-sentence. End of discussion.

20. How do you hope you’re described by people when you’re not around?
I would hope they say I’m funny, or kind, or smart, or good with duct tape.
21. What is your least favorite attribute about yourself?
My weight, but I’m working on that.

22. Is it okay to sleep with socks on?
Depends on what you’ve put the socks on.

23. Coffee or tea?
Flavored water. What is WITH these limited choices, I ask?

24. How many dates until you feel like it’s okay to have sex with someone?
Depends on the someone, & depends on my mood, honestly. Creepers, stalkers & fuckboys get an instant boot to the Auto Zone…the auto-reject zone.

25. What is your love language?
Braille. Let your fingers do the talking. On my neck & shoulders. For at least 5 minutes. Maybe with some warm oil or nice eucalyptus lotion.

26. Do you or do you not believe in ghosts?
Yep

27. What’s your vice?
Well, it’s a little red c-clamp just the right size for crafting & holding shit still. Do I need to get Google or Webster’s Dictionary in on this discussion? Why are you so curious about my crafting tools? Sicko.

28. Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram?
Fb, mostly. But I dabble on IG. Twitter I haven’t twitted in years. And even Fb has taken a dive for me. 

29. Favorite artist?

Shawn Coss right now. Wicked stuff.

https://www.facebook.com/ShawnCossArtrocities/
30. Odd numbers or even numbers?
42. 42 is always the answer.

31. Do you believe in organizing or life or letting things just happen?
I like to organize, mostly. But relaxing & just going with something can be a nice change, once in a while. I’m not 27 anymore, I like a little foreknowledge so I can pack my purse or pockets appropriately. Never know when you’ll need emergency gum or a roll of dental floss, yes, I have both.

32. Are you more right brained or left brained?
I’m fully brained, it’s just not always fully functional. Like, when I’m conscious.

33. Which do you prefer, logic or creativity?
Both. Again…fully brained. You need to have both. Geez.

34. Do you think opposites truly attract?
Well, the magnets all say it works. I’m just listening to the magnets.

35. What is your Hogwarts house?
I’d probably be a Ravenclaw. I ask weird questions, too. and give even weirder answers. 

36. Ask for permission or ask for forgiveness?
Neither. Are you a grownup or a malcontent? I say, do what feels right for you, as long as no one gets hurt, & it doesn’t break any laws.

37. Do you think chemistry is instant or grows with time?
I think chemistry is a class in school. I don’t want any of that shit I used to see in the beakers growing anywhere around me, thanks. I know what happens to people around growing chemistry. Radiation poisoning and burnt eyebrows. That’s what happens in chemistry.

38. Do you trust someone until proven otherwise or do you think trust has to be earned no matter who with?

Anymore? Trust has to be fucking earned with iron-clad sincerity. If you say something -MEAN. IT.

39. Are there situations in which you think lying is okay and understandable?

I have a horrible time with lies. I can’t tell them well, & hate having them said to me. Let’s just go with truth.

40. Comfortable silences or non-stop conversation?
Silence can be very good. Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver. Both get the job done. and honestly? Too much (meaningless small talk) conversation makes me want to shove red hot knitting needles in my ears.

41. Do you believe in fate or do you think we’re in complete control over our circumstances?
Little of both, actually. 

42. Love or money?
LOVE. ALWAYS. Money just pays the bills. Love makes it worth living.

43. Impulsive or methodical?
Again, why pigeonhole me? I can definitely be both. Hello…Gemini!

44. Are you pro-technology/constantly connected or do you think digital detoxes are super necessary?
Yes.

45. Do you think it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?
It’s better to have loved and kept, but that doesn’t seem to work for me. They always leave.

46. Do you question things even if it will bother someone or do you try to not rock the boat?
I hate confrontation, but sometimes you have to get out of the damn boat & go looking for the shore.

47. TV shows or Movies?
A little of both, depending on whether I feel like turning on the TV at all.

48. Books or Magazines?
Books. Always.

49. Which is more preferable — being nice or being fair?
Being fairly nice and nicely fair. But no one gets to win ALL the time.

50. Describe what would bring you the ultimate happiness in life
Finding him – the one I can Love for the rest of my life, who will love me back. But I’m not holding my breath for that, anymore. Like I said before, they leave. Right now, I’m concentrating on finding moderate to medium happiness, & on the really tough days…a chocolate covered potato chip.

Bonfire of the Sanity

I’ve never been a believer in the “bad luck” of Friday the 13th.

However…

Today, could have been the exception to that belief.

Men…can be so thoughtless, hurtful and cruel. (Yes, I’m sure women can be too, but since I’m not bisexual or gay, my romantic relationships have never involved the feminine gender)

Everything seemed to go up in flames today.

The man I’ve been talking to for 3.5 years? Well, on New Year’s Day, I told him that I wasn’t going to wait anymore. That I was tired of always coming in last place on the priority list. I’d told him months earlier that if he couldn’t make me a priority & actually keep his word by the end of 2016, that I was done.

The time lapsed, he still hasn’t decided that I’m important enough to merit meeting face to face, so…I ended it.

At least, on my side.

He…won’t stop texting & attempting to call. He’s furious that I’m actually sticking by what I said. 

He’s blaming me for the situation.

Every decision he’s made, he’s made on his own, for his own reasons, & tells me about them after he’s already decided & taken that step. How is this my fault?

So, I threw my phone in my purse & ignored him for most of the day.

I hate confrontation & arguments.

Cue the next thing.

Another man I know, who I dated in the past, starts sending me mixed messages. He’s never wanted the “forever” thing, so I never bothered to bring it up, knowing it was a moot point, & would never come to pass. I’ve never let myself say the “L” word with him, because I do want monogamy, commitment, & marriage again, someday. 

But today, in the emotional turmoil I was experiencing with E, I start getting messages from this other man, that sounded almost romantic & sentimental. (I say almost because I don’t know what to believe anymore with this, whether it was meant as a “haha-funny”, or if it was supposed to be taken for real).

I’m so messed up in the head right now.

PLUS, (yeah, there’s more)…

I sent an email the other day to a man I knew a few years ago, who I dreamt about, & felt compelled to contact. We were emotionally close at one time, and confided in each other a lot of personal stuff. We were close to seeing if we could “make a go of it” romantically, when he suddenly backed up & disappeared.  It destroyed me for a long time, & I’ve never completely gotten over the loss. Not just as a romantic prospect, but as a dear friend, & someone I’d come to think of as Chosen Family.

I didn’t expect a response at all, as he was pretty clear about not wanting any kind of relationship with anyone, ever. (Miles of bad relationship road behind him, & a fear of getting hurt again)

He responded, & wants to talk as soon as he returns from a work trip he had to go on.

Flaming unicorns on pogo sticks.

My sanity won’t take much more.

My brain is on fire, my heart is in pieces, and I can’t see the point of continuing with much of anything right now.
So, after I finish this post…

I’m putting down the phone, face down, so I don’t have to see it’s mocking screen…and I’m going to pour myself an adult beverage.

Or six.

No, I’m not laughing as I write this.

I’m completely fucking serious.

And I’m seriously completely fucked.

No Home

Something I figured out tonight… something I’d thought about before, wondered why many times…but never had an answer until now.

Why don’t I feel as “grown up” as most of the other 40-something’s I know? Why is it, that I feel so abnormal, so out of place with my peers?

Most of the people I know my age, talk about their jobs, their kids, their gardens & recipes. They talk about their spouse, & where they’re going for their next vacation, or about how the car “just isn’t running right, so I’d better take it in”. 

I hear them discussing things like regular adults, day to day stuff, “grown-up” stuff.

So why am I still stuck contemplating my navel, & why my relationships always seem to turn to shit?

Grief.  It’s grief. And the fact that most of those other adults don’t feel it all the time, as I seem to be.

Sure, I know it sounds odd, so let me explain my reasoning.

Grief – is Love with no place to go. It’s Loving, but not being able to give that Love to someone. Not having a “home” for it. Grief is having so much love, & never being able to show it, or having the one you love throw it away. It’s Feelings so strong you seem to crack at the seams, and they leak out of your face, sliding down your cheeks, only to fall to the floor. It’s the desolation of knowing that the Love you have, has nowhere to land, either because the one you love has passed, or simply left you behind.

Grief – is Love, lost and confused, spinning back on itself in the hope of finding resolution, only to discover there’s no doorway back to how it was before.

And these other adults, the people I watch, they don’t have to worry about Grief in that way. 

Because they have their purpose, they have a place for their love to go. They have their SO, their contented life, balanced &, for the most part, fairly whole. Grief, when it does strike, doesn’t consume their whole world. They’re able to get through it, because they have that balance, that Love with a Home to go to.

So, they talk about their gardens, and their weekends, their jobs & kids & pets & what they’re going to make for dinner.

And me?

Well, I know my home is not here. 

Not anymore.

Where it is, I don’t know. 

Someday, maybe, I’ll find a Home for my Love. Until then…

I am Grief.

Only on the blog will you find me this open. 

Out in the “Real World”… I’m fine.

Not Today

I just can’t hold onto the positive hopes.

Not today.

Because a couple of days ago, I told him that 3 1/2 years of waiting was enough. 3 1/2 years of late-night conversations, daily texts, occasional phone calls…but never a face to face meeting, was enough.  That 3 1/2 years of broken promises, one after another, was enough.  When words are only words, and never become deeds…how do you continue to believe in tomorrow?

Not today.

My heart is torn into pieces right now.  I know, everyone says…”It’ll change. You’ll find someone. Someone will come along and just sweep you off your feet.”

Not today.

Today, I mourn.

It’s over.

And it never even started.

This…THIS is why I have defensive walls so high and thick it takes a mountaineer to climb them.

Fucking men with their habit of ghosting, benching, promising & breaking, blowing me off, calling me “psycho” when I get upset after they refuse to live up to their word. Disappearing because of their own fears & insecurities, then laying it off on me as my fault because they can’t handle relationships & monogamy.

Goddess…I’m so tired of this.

I just want one man. One MAN, who can be an adult, is willing to commit, and can see that I’m worth more than just being a friend with benefits, or a hookup. I don’t want the games anymore.

And I don’t want to spend the rest of my life alone.

I’ll be just fine.

But not today.

 

Reliving 2016

I am so very tired today, as though the whole weight of the year has descended upon my body in this one day.  I’ve slept so long today, only waking at 3pm, & I can still feel the heaviness dragging at me…

But, I feel the need to write, to tally the happenings of this year, and so, I come here to lay down all I can remember. This will be a fragmented account, not linear, but more likely, a simple recounting of the things I recall best.

* I bought a different vehicle. My Mitsubishi gave up on me, with too many problems I couldn’t get fixed without spending way too much money, I simply couldn’t justify keeping it any longer. I sold it to someone who was able to do much of the work himself, thereby saving himself from having to spend all that money I would’ve had to on labor.  Instead, I bought a little pickup from my dad. It is a good vehicle, if smaller & lower clearance than I’m used to, but it does the job admirably. 

* I took some horse back riding “lessons”. More just “sessions”, really, as I grew up with horses & rode most of my young life. They were fun until it got really cold, & as much as I miss riding, I’m pretty much done with the sessions, even though we’re supposed to have a couple makeups, due to bad weather, I don’t think I want to do them anymore.  I got what I wanted from it.

* My EldestDaughter is pregnant with my second grandchild, and is due in Feb. She & the grandson moved out of my home in April, moving to Washington state with her boyfriend. They are good for each other, & I hope they continue to build their family in the new year with all the humor, love, & compassion possible. Even though I miss them horribly, this is a good move for her, & I send them all good things for this upcoming year.

*OnlySon turned 18 this year, & is set to graduate in May. He’s started really enjoying his autonomy, making choices for himself & deciding on what his next steps will be toward independence. I worry for him, as independence is not something he likes, relying on his father, who was always a helicopter parent, to pick up where he leaves off & make decisions. My hope for him this year is that he truly learns the value of being his own man, working hard for what he wants, & goes after it.

* Youngerdaughter is the opposite – she is completely independent, living on her own, & working a job she really enjoys. She is straightforward, goal-oriented, & determined to do her best in every situation. I am so proud to be her mom, & I marvel at her all the time. I truly enjoy our talks on the phone ( “Oh, one more thing I have to tell you”, after we’ve been talking for an hour), and the few times we’re able to get together to visit. 

*I’m thinking of shutting down my Etsy shop. I’ve had a handful of sales since I opened, & it is just a hobby shop for me, but the legalities & business side of things are beginning to wear on me. I don’t know if I really want it anymore. We’ll see what 2017 presents. 

*My love life continues to elude. I’ve heard from many that if I stop looking, it’ll find me, but I don’t think so. In order for love to find you, you have to be visible, & I am not. I don’t “go out”, I don’t mingle, I hate crowds & shopping in public. How is love going to find me at home, curled up in my chair with a book?

Ludicrous.

And, anyway, the men I’ve met always have some reason they’re unattainable, anyway. 

1. Geographic issues. We’ve talked for 3 1/2 years, & he still hasn’t come to see me as he’s promised, & the country he’s in is impossible for me to visit, due to many reasons. He proclaims love loudly & often, but has broken every promise he’s made. Anyone who knows me, knows that if you don’t keep your word with me, I will stop trusting anything you say…and then it’s pretty much over. I don’t want to give up on this possibility, but there doesn’t seem to be any reason to continue. I’ve given 3 1/2 years of my life…how much more time does he think he has to prove himself? 

Maybe this is my fault…I should’ve stopped it all years ago & not taken him back after the first argument. Why didn’t I? Because the heart is blind, deaf & stubborn. And, maybe, because having him in the background keeps me from getting hurt by anyone else. There’s always the excuse of “Oh, sorry, I can’t get to know you or date you because I’m seeing someone who’s out of the country”. *sigh* 

Me and my love of impossible relationships… 

2. Vulnerability issues. I understand not wanting to be hurt again after bad experiences…I do. Been there, done that, still wearing the tread marks. BUT, if you never trust, you never get the benefits of real love. If growing older alone holds no problem for you, *shrug* I guess I can’t say anything to change that, but I don’t want that life for myself. I still wonder, sometimes, if he ever thinks about me & regrets his decision. I dreamt about him not long ago, & have had a terrible urge to email him. I haven’t done so, but the feeling is still there. 

3. Commitment issues.  Twice burned, forever shy, I guess. Been there, too, with 2 failed marriages under my belt, I know what it’s like. But, I don’t want to give up on the possibility of love.  I won’t let myself love someone who isn’t willing to commit. We can be friends, but that’s all I’ll ever give. He’ll never know what could’ve been, after throwing it away. And someday, even the friendship will fade until it is gone altogether. That’s just how it works. 

*I want to travel. I want to see my nephew in Georgia. He is my best friend, and I miss him something chronic. He wants me to move down South after my son graduates, & I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it. 

* My job is going well. After one of the other ladies moved away, I was tasked with assuming many of her duties, & it keeps me busier than ever. I had a good evaluation this year, & I’m proud of the work I’ve done. I still like what I do, but I could do without the bullying that happens occasionally. No job is perfect, however, so I just take the lumps with the sweet, & keep going.

*I’ve been working on improving my house, when I can, and as I can afford it. It’s slow, as money isn’t overly abundant, but progress is being made, & that’s the important part. One day, I will sell it and move on to elsewhere. Where to and when this will happen? I don’t know yet…but, my feet itch, & I am tired of snow.

*I’ve been spending a lot more time learning about Introversion and how it relates to me. After taking that personality test a few months ago, & learning I fit the INFJ type, I’ve discovered so many true statements about who I am & where I want to go next. This journey doesn’t stop here, it simply opens different doors.

*Oh, yeah…almost forgot. I’ve been published in someone else’s book again.

In 2011, I wrote a post about Dr. Bohdan Hordinsky, a man I knew when I was younger. A couple of years ago, someone who used to live in my hometown contacted me, asking if he could use some of it in a book he was writing about his own life. I said “Sure, just give me credit for whatever you use”, & mostly forgot about it.

This year, he contacted me again, to tell me the book had been published, & is now available in places like Barnes & Noble, on Amazon, & like places. He also sent me a copy of the book, with a handwritten note.

He used the whole post, copying it word for word, & gave me total credit for it, even including me in the acknowledgments. It’s pretty cool, having been published 3 times now, twice for writing, once for photography, but always in others’ books. My nephew insists that I should write my own book, but I don’t know if I have the patience or the business acumen for it. It’s a lot of work, & I write for pleasure. Would it still be pleasurable if I took that route? I’m not so sure.

Well, there you have it…a little time encapsulated. I wonder…if I plant these seeds, what kind of garden would come up next spring? Would I get lovely flowers, or thorny & noxious weeds?

Maybe I should just put them in the ground and find out…

Why I Lurk.

My anxiety is so bad tonight, & I should have known better.

Some little time ago, I joined an internet group for introverts. I thought that maybe, if I joined, I’d find some people who truly understand some of the things I go through daily.

Fuck – was I a little too optimistic.

I normally don’t post my own queries in groups…it always seems to erupt into chaos. But, I’d been silent in this group for some time, watching others interact. I “liked” a few memes. I commented once or twice on someone else’s post.  It all seemed to go well.

And I thought that maybe it was time for me to pose a query of my own.

So, I did. I asked my question, which was about me.  It was concerning the effect that anxiety & introversion have on each other for me. I asked if it was possible that my introversion & anxiety seem to feed one another. I stated that I knew almost to the day when my anxiety began to present itself, & that I wondered if that was what caused my introversion to start, or if I had always been an introvert & that the anxiety simply “peeled away” the layers and revealed my introversion.

One woman immediately told me that obviously I wasn’t really an introvert, & that it was all my anxiety causing my issues. 

Yeah, I got defensive. I tried to be polite, I tried to explain myself, but I hate being “diagnosed” based on a 3 or 4 sentence conversation by someone who has no knowledge of my history or circumstances. 

She fired back that obviously I was wrong, she was right, & I had broken 1 of the rules of the group by not being polite.

Fuck that. I was polite. I just didn’t kiss her ass, fall down at her feet, & tell her that obviously she was the Goddess of Right, & I was a lowly Minion of Wrong.

And, she had me booted from the group. 

Exit, stage right.

Shit like this is why I lurk.

I fucking hate confrontations. It makes my heart race, my stomach queasy, & my skin gets hot, I’m nauseated, angry, & anxious.

I can’t stand people who judge others, especially after only just a few words. It reminds me of the presumption that those radio “psychiatrists” could diagnose someone’s problem over the radio after just a few words, & actually help them fix their lives. 

I’m so done trying to join groups. I’m better off on my own, blindly grasping around in the darkness, looking for my own answers.  

Just like my love life, I’m better off not even bothering trying to connect – less chance of being hurt.

Walls up, barbed wire back in place.

Lurk Mode activated.