Fear, Blessings & Change

There are days when I fear.

I think about the fact that I’m soon going to be 47, and that I’m in the upper-middle portion of my life. I’ve had a hysterectomy, so, no more children, which is both a sadness and a blessing. There will be no more warm little bundles combining my DNA with someone else’s. But, then, there will also never be anymore sleepless nights of feedings, diapers & the stresses of teenage years. I’ve come to accept this, & I am not only Ok with it, I’m happy that part of my life has passed me by.

But, there are also negatives that have come with the maturation process.

I have osteoarthritis, mainly in my hands and wrists, & over the last few months, it has come to be a large focus for me.

My hands play such a vital role in my life, and I fear what this change will bring to me.

My job consists of working with computers and files. I type…all day long. The arthritis has restricted me in many ways, making my job a lot more difficult. I have trouble handling heavy files, as they put a lot of pressure on my inflamed finger joints, and the medicines I take for it don’t completely mitigate that pain. Typing all day puts stresses on my hands that I never thought would be this complex and painful, but I have learned a lot about my limits & my capabilities, including my tolerances for pain. 

And then… There’s my art.



Things like these take a LOT of hand-work. I twist wires with the help of jewelry pliers & locking wrenches, but the bulk of the work is done by MY hands. On days when the barometer fucks with my arthritis, it can go from uncomfortable, shifting to painful & excruciating.

How can I continue to do what I love, when it can cause so much pain? 

How can I express my visions, my imagination, my passion, when I can’t manipulate the medium I work through without crippling my tools – my hands?

This is my fear…

That the arthritis will steal my gift.

That it will destroy something I love…my art. 

And I will be left without it’s comfort.

Where is the blessing in this change?

…….I continue to search…..

Catching Up, Letting Go, & Shoveling Through

Got into an argument on the internet, today. 

Yeah, I know, it’s pointless, irritating & inflammatory to argue with strangers on the internet…but he pissed me off. 

It was in a pagan group, & he was busily invalidating people’s beliefs, so I spoke up & told him off. 

Politely, and with facts.

The subject was Wicca, & he was running his fingers, telling everyone that the only TRUE Wiccan was HIS type of Wiccan.

I pointed out to him that there are many valid paths, not just his, & he got condescending…which, you know, just calms me right down, because who doesn’t like being talked down to?

When I pointed out to him that Lutherans, Baptists, Methodists, Episcopalians, Presbyterians, etc., were just as Christian as the Catholics, even though they’d split from the Holy Roman Catholic Church years ago, he totally ignored that, & spouted that I just don’t understand what true initiation is.

Someone get him some Kool-Aid, wouldja? Jim Jones wants to visit with him.

So, I dropped the mic on the conversation & left the thread. 

Let it go. Trolls shouldn’t be fed, I wasn’t going to get him to understand that he’s just as bad as the fundie Xtians who think all of us Pagans are going to hell, & I just get all riled up with no resolution.

Time to do something a little more constructive.

Like baking cookies. Chocolate chip are all baked & ready to go on Monday. Snickerdoodles are waiting to be mixed next, & they go in the fridge overnight, so I need to get on that.

I also need to shovel my front sidewalk, but that’s not happening anymore to right. Maybe tomorrow…maybe I’ll wait till my neighbor decides he’s sick of looking at it & clears it for me with his 4-wheeler…

I also need to get busy on Yule gifts & a custom Xmas order my mom wants for a family member.  Trees…trees, trees, lots of little wire trees. Nothing I Can show you till  after the holiday season, since they’re all going to be gifts, but I will post pictures then.

Annnd, I’m almost done painting inside my house for now. The living room & dining room/office/gym/ferretarium are painted, & most of the hallway is finished, with only the trim at ceiling & floor, & around doors is left. Touchups, really, then I’m done for now. I’ve got some demolition to do in the kitchen before I can paint in there.  I’ll post pictures of the finished painting as soon as it’s all done. I’m rather proud of having done it by myself. I love the soft grey color that seems to shift throughout the day with how the light hits it. Sometimes it’s just grey, sometimes it looks more blue, sometimes more lavender, but always clean, soft, & comforting. 

There, now you’re caught up. 

Time to go mix cookies…

Up and At ‘Em…

So, I got up and got busy.

This morning started very slowly, and I wasn’t feeling my best, so I decided to put in some extra effort on myself, first, to make me feel better.

Makeup, hair, & a nice shirt with jeans made me feel more like doing, so, I got busy.

Vacuuming, mopping, dusting, dishes, & moving some furniture later, and I’m doing better.  

Maybe it was the mindless housekeeping, maybe it was forcing myself to focus on each task as I went about them, and not being able to linger on the million things that’ve been swirling through my brain…I’m not sure.  

It helped.

So, tomorrow, I’ll be doing more of the similar. Laundry, kitchen cleaning, & a short trip to the office for some handywork. 

And this evening?

Crafting….and an adult beverage. 

I might end up with some funky looking crafts, but hey! It’s all art, right?

Up and at ’em, Chickie.

*update* I have also now roasted a turkey breast & made chocolate chip cookie dough, which is currently chilling in the fridge, so I can bake them tomorrow.  I’d better sleep like a rock, tonight.

Busywork

Yesterday was a busy day, between cleaning, gardening & artwork.

But here’s what I finished…

I sculpted these pumpkins, some even have green leaves & squirrelly stem pieces. This was prior to baking.

This pic is a little blurry, but it shows how I work on my sculpting. Tinfoil keeps the sculpey from sticking to my wooden TV tray. The black lump is sculpey I was working with at the time.

Here are all the finished pieces. 2 witch’s hats, 2 black cats, a handful of punkins, & even a bat on a wire.  It’s the first time I’ve tried making a bat out of sculpey, & let me say, it wasn’t easy. Such tiny fiddly details…

Anyway, that’s the extent of my accomplishments yesterday.  These sculptures took me approximately 3 hours, all told. And they baked up in 10 minutes.  

Now, I just have to sand them down, to take off any rough edges, paint the final details (face markings on the punkins, eyes on the cats), & varnish them all to protect.

I also in worked on a couple of smaller trees that I’m making for gifts, but neither one is finished, so, no pictures yet.

But it does feel good to get back into my artwork. 

DP- Burn

Here’s my contribution to the Daily Prompt…for the first time.

I am impatient, I know this.  For some things in my life, I fume and yearn, I struggle and strain. And I burn.

I strive towards my desired goal, straining at any harness, any obstacle in my way. I curse, loudly and often, when impeded.

Some call this ambition, some greed. Some merely call it impatience or impetuousness.

I call it passion.

It drives me as an artist, pushing me to seek higher forms in my creativity. It goads me into taking chances with the medium I use. And, sometimes it works.

Sometimes it fails.

It seduces me in my life, luring me into taking chances with relationships, knowing full well the cost I’ll end up paying. I cannot shake the siren’s song…the possibility of heart’s warmth, of that overwhelming emotion…the hope for love, I seek the heat, the spark, the flash.

Sometimes this passion for experience, this yearning towards the light ahead…

Lures me into the flames.

And I burn.

There is pain, pain I’ve felt many times before, pain I will feel again. Even though life has sought to teach me caution, I cannot ignore the flames.

And I burn.

And as the ashes settle into new forms, dusty & forgotten by those around-

I rise again.

Because I’m a fucking phoenix.

I live to burn.

Dangit, I forgot the Title

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My lilies are blooming, finally, in my flower garden!

Proof that I actually do have patience lurking somewhere inside my skin.

This variety is called “Forever Susan”, & I bought the bulbs online last fall, planted them after the first good frost, & waited until this week to see them!

Patience is not my strong suit, so I think it was pretty damned impressive that I got these to grow & bloom without losing my mind & either over-planting something else on top of these, or ripping them out when they didn’t come up after the last snow of the year melted away. 

My pumpkins are still growing, as well.  All the seeds I put down have sprouted, & the leaves are getting bigger.  No pumpkins yet, of course, as it’s still too early for that, but I’m hopeful.

And, I’m working on sculpting, again.  I’ll post pics when I’m done, but I’m making miniatures for trees to go in my shop.  Time to put some new stuff up, & hopefully generate some more interest.

Otherwise, life goes on.
Drama still exists.
And I’m still here, alone, but hanging on.
Permaneo.

A Start

Half days is a good place to start.

I went back to work today, feeling pretty good about my decision to start with half days.  And I think it went well.  I actually woke up before my alarm went off, so I was off to a better start than I thought.

About 10am, my lower back started to hurt, along with my abdomen, so I knew a full day wasn’t going to happen; & by 1pm, I was wiped, so I came home.

Wise choice, considering I fell asleep in my chair by 2, and slept till 5.

It continually frustrates me that I’m still getting so tired this quickly, but, I guess, since it’s still only been 3 1/2 weeks since the surgery, it isn’t unexpected.

By 6:30, I felt somewhat recovered from today, so, of course, I decided to push the envelope again, & started trimming the hedges that line one side of my property.

Yep, I’ll pay for that later.

But, fuck it.

They need doing, and I’m the one who’s here, so it’s got to be done.

Tonight, I’ll take a nice, long shower,  try to stretch out the kinks in my back & shoulders the hedge trimmer put there, & take my happy ass to bed a little earlier than normal.

Tomorrow, I’ll have to try to finish trimming, & see how far I can get on raking up the branches before my back gives out.  Yardwork never really seems to end when it’s high summer.

Speaking of which, HAPPY SUMMER SOLSTICE!!

Today was the longest day of the year, & tonight us a full moon… the Strawberry Moon, they call it, since this is when strawberries are going full force. 

And with the moon sliding into Sagittarius,  it’s the perfect time to set new goals, & take those first steps toward reaching them.

So, here I go, taking my first steps toward my new goals.

* Getting my normal life back (whatever normal means at this point).

* New craft projects, & revisiting some old ideas with a fresh perspective.

* Reclaiming who I am, and setting goals of where I want to be next year at this time.

Time to get started.

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