Struggling and a push

I’ve been absent from the blog for a while. I haven’t even been keeping up with reading the other blogs I follow.

I want to write, but my depression has been so bad for so long, that I haven’t had the emotional strength or motivation to even attempt it. And my fiction ideas have dried up.

So, I want to try something.

For those of you that read my blog, is there something that you’d like to see more of?

If there’s one of my fictions you’d like to see continued, let me know which one.

If you’d like poetry, tell me that, & I’ll work on it.

If you’d like more of my personal history stories, shout out, & I’ll see about continuing that thread.

Or if you’d like me to write more about my struggles with anxiety & depression, ask, and ye shall receive.

I just feel like I need a push in some direction.

It’s not coming from my internal furnace, so maybe I need to seek it outside myself.

So…I’m asking for help, which for me, is a big thing.

Any and all ideas & requests are welcome, but may not all be followed, depending on my comfort level.

Thank you.

When it’s Dark, Look for Stars

I’m having a really hard time starting this post, because I’m crying while typing, so please forgive typos… I really want to get this out in one shot, though, so I’m gonna keep going.

Tomorrow is the 10-year anniversary of my sister/friend Midnite’s death.

It’s a big milestone, but it still doesn’t feel as though it’s been that long. It feels like yesterday, the way my pain rates right now.

I knew I was going to be walking into a dark place emotionally tonight when I got home.

And then, I stopped to get my mail.

Now, to back up a few days.

There’s a woman whose blog I follow, Jenny Lawson, otherwise known as The Bloggess .

On March 20th, she posted a blog about reaching out to others, and trying to bring some sunshine into their day. She opened her comments to her followers, and let us decide if we wanted to participate too, sending love to each other.

I admit, I picked a few, and sent some things out.

And, I participated, but didn’t really expect anything.

But – of all days…

Today…

I got 8 pieces – 8 PIECES of MAIL FROM STRANGERS.

Telling me I was worthy.

Telling me to keep going.

Telling me I was worth it.

Jenny Lawson…you don’t know me. You’ll probably never see this post, or know what you’ve really done for so many of your readers with your blog.

But, I’ll tell you this.

You will never know just how far your words can reach.

All the way into the darkness.

Confessional

I’m not Catholic, never have been, but I know what the confessional is for.

It’s supposed to be a place to lay your burdens (sins) before “God” and be forgiven for them. After, of course, being given “penance by the church representative, the priest.

Well, since I’m Pagan, I don’t believe in “sin”.

I do believe in personal responsibility.

But – I’m getting sidetracked, because I don’t really want to write this. Except, I have to.

I have to get these things out of my brain, and down onto the virtual paper, so they stop rattling around in my head, poisoning my thoughts.

I…have been in a severe depression for the last few months.

Most people who see me in my daily life would probably argue at this point, and say

“But you smile, you go to work, you joke around and talk!”

Ah…but did I really?

Compared to previous years, when I was actually active with friends…did I really interact with you?

Or was it a fleeting moment, a quick flash of a grin, and I turned away. A chuckle and I bent back to my work. A single joke in a day?

When was the last time you heard me speak first, without someone directly addressing me first?

If we are friends in real life, when was the last time I texted you first, and memes don’t count?

When was the last time you heard my ring tone on your phone?

If we’re internet friends (met through FB, or through blogging, when was the last time I actually interacted with someone interpersonally, and not just posting memes?

*waving all this away*

It’s not important if you can’t remember.

Because, I’ve been pushing people away, slowly, subtly, for months.

I’ve been isolating.

At least 3 or 4 times this winter…

I contemplated just ending it.

I have the drugs that could accomplish it.

Every time, I stepped back from that decision.

There are many reasons why I’ve come to this point. And it’s not something that can be “fixed” with a joke, or a pat on the back, or pity.

I don’t want anyone’s pity.

The music is helping, right now.

The music, the community I’ve come to find with it, it’s all helping.

It’s not the answer, but it helps mitigate some of the symptoms, so that’s something.

I can’t afford psychiatric treatment right now, so don’t, please.

I just needed to get some of this off my chest.

That’s what this blog is for, after all. It’s my place to scream into the darkness.

It just so happens,

Right now, the darkness…

Is me.

No Breath, but Speak.

I’ve been sick for days, now, and finally, after going to the convenience-care clinic yesterday, I was diagnosed with a bad dose of both bronchitis and sinus infection. So bad, in fact, the doc wouldn’t let me leave her office without making me have a nebulizer treatment, & giving me a scrip for both an antibiotic and prednisone (a steroid, to keep the bronchitis from becoming pneumonia).

I’ve taken steroids before, and…we don’t get along really well, so we’ll see how this goes. I might end up looking like a blowfish.

Anyway, I have no – and I mean – ZERO – physical strength right now. It’s a bit better than yesterday, shit…going to see the doc, then getting prescriptions? Man…I was wiped, and slept most of the rest of the day. I woke up long enough to eat something, so I could take the drugs I needed to, and called it a day.

It doesn’t help that my depression has been riding me hard for the last week or 2. I hide it, for the most part, because people just don’t want to deal with it, or me when they see it, but it’s always there, and I have to live with it. It doesn’t just wander off after a joke or 2. It’s not that easy.

I alternate today between the fires of hell and Antarctic winter. Take a deep breath, and I’m wracked with deep, hacking coughs, I remind myself of my Grandma…it’s a little frightening, and sad. I’m becoming her. She was plagued by chronic bronchitis. I don’t want to remember all the crap she had to go through. Just – not today. I’m tired, and not dealing well.

So, the only thing I have energy for, is pretty much this. I can type a little, or read for a while, until my body’s battery runs out, & I need a nap again.

I know, bitching doesn’t make it better.

But it makes me feel better to get it off my chest.

And if you don’t want to read it, don’t. *shrug*

Well, the battery has about bottomed out, & it’s time for more drugs again.

*sigh* maybe I just need to move somewhere where the air doesn’t hurt my face… Then bronchitis & pneumonia wouldn’t be such an issue.

Dusy Bay

There’s a lot to today.

It’s Imbolc. For us Pagans out there, it’s a big holiday, a sort of “kickoff” for the year, bringing the light back to the world, & life back to nature. (The first flowers started to bloom, calves & lambs start being born, yada yada)

This, for me, is a sort of Pagan anniversary, as this was when I dedicated myself to my Path, 21 years ago. I celebrate, quietly, on my own, every year.

It’s also my blogging anniversary here at WordPress, I guess? I received this today…

So there’s that.

And…

I quit smoking on Jan. 31. That was the day I had my very last cigarette, at 7:40 am… And, yes, I’m about ready to put my head through a wall.

But I won’t.

So February is the beginning of a lot of things for me.

Let’s hope this is the beginning of more good things.

Third Wheel Contemplation

I’m sitting in the backseat of the company car, on my way to an early-morning conference, with a coworker & her husband in the front, & feeling rather like the kid on a family trip, or the proverbial awkward third wheel on a friend’s date. 

I’m not a morning person, not do I like country music, and I’ve got both going on right now…

So, I’m wearing my ear buds, listening to my own music, and have been contemplating the inside of my eyelids for a good portion of this 2- hour drive.

What is it about Pink’s song “Where We Go” that puts me in such a meditative and thoughtful mood?

I think it’s the hook…

“So, here we go

Take my body not my soul

Take me high and left me low

I honestly never imagined we’d get this far… Oooohhh…

There’s a road that takes me home,

Take me fast, or take me slow,

Throw my head out the window

Feel the wind…make me whole,

Write my name up in the sky,

Let me contemplate goodbye

I don’t know, we don’t know

Where we go…”

It just- really strikes me – this song is so sweet and the beat is so bouncy and light and happy…and yet…

The lyrics are about dying.

This is so… I don’t know how to express it right now, because I’m not completely awake to it right now, but it strikes me right between the eyes every time I listen to it.

I love the whole damn Beautiful Trauma album by P!nk.

Fucking phenomenal. Phunny. Phantastic. Philosophical and psychotic.

And totally Pink.