~Don’t seek healing at the feet of those who broke you.
I can’t remember who wrote this, but it really resonated with me this week.
I even wrote it on my desk calendar, so I could look at it every day, and remind myself of those words, practice the mantra, so to speak.
I need to stop kneeling at the feet of those who have hurt me in the past, seeking resolution, consolation, closure, or healing.
I do it way too often.
You see, I used to be the one doing the breaking, so when I crashed at the end, and had to change the way I did things, I really did change.
Except, sometimes, I go too far the other direction.
I’ve had many people tell me I’m too nice, too forgiving.
But – I’m getting ahead of my own story, here.
I’m not going to lie to you and tell you that the summer of 1990 was just a slow roll towards suicide on my part.
I had a blast getting into as much trouble as humanly possible, in the short amount of time I had, and in the limited ways I could. (as in, no drugs, no extreme sports – cause HELLO, I SUCK AT SPORTS)
But – it WAS a spiral headed south, and straight into a wall. Somewhere in the back of my primitive id brain I knew this. I wasn’t stupid. I couldn’t see a future for myself, and I was, oddly… wanting to tromp down harder on the gas pedal, for some reason. Get there faster, & you waste less gas?
Well, my parents weren’t having it.
They clamped down on me, & told me to either “find a job, or you’re headed for the military”.
Yep. No shit.
So – I hit the papers, and found want ads – for nannies. People in other states wanted nannies from North Dakota to fly to their homes to take care of their kids, because they thought ND kids made better nannies, for some reasons. And I – wanted the fuck out. Out of North Dakota. Out of my current life, out from under my parents’ rules, you know… Typical young self-destructive type behavior.
Fast forward a few phone calls, and I’d found a family in New Jersey, who had 2 kids, both adopted, and they wanted me right away.
Off I went.
Everyone has baggage.
But Delta had no idea I had TWO carry-ons with me instead of just the one they saw.
You see, I’d been a horrible girlfriend to the boyfriend I fell for…
And I’d run around and used sex to feel good about myself.
I’d thought I was just malnourished, from not eating well, smoking & drinking a lot over the summer, subsisting on sunflower seeds & beef jerky most of the time.
I didn’t realize I had a growing reason for missing my period.
Until the morning I puked for no reason.
Well, there was a reason, I just didn’t want to know it, or admit it, really.
On my day off, I ran an errand to the drug store & bought myself a stick test to pee on.
Damn thing practically turned blue in my hand before I got it open.
So, on my next day off… I went down to the local women’s free clinic & got tested there. Positive again.
And a courtesy “talk” with a counselor, who gently went through all my options with me, asking me delicately if I was… Possibly…maybe…could I be…considering…abor.. ??
“NO.” I was most emphatic, and a huge, truck-load sized weight seemed to lift from the counselor’s shoulders.
“Oh, thank goodness!”, she was so relieved, I thought she was going to hug me, which would have been awkward, and extremely uncomfortable for us both, I think.
Then, she wanted to discuss adoption, & I shut her down on that, too.
I thanked her politely, and told her that, in no uncertain terms, I was going home, I was going to have my baby, and I was going to raise it myself.
This was mine, and no one was taking it from me.
It was time to fucking grow up.
My baby needed me. And needed me to be an ADULT. I was going to be a mommy, and I’d be damned if anyone was taking that from me.
Now, I needed to figure out how to do that.
I wasn’t even old enough to drink legally, yet.
But I was damned well going to figure this out.
For once, it wasn’t about what I needed.
It was about what someone else needed from me. Someone who didn’t have anyone else, and needed me first, most, and who I could love without reservations or limits or embarrassment. I could give this baby everything I was, and it wouldn’t betray me, because I would be its mommy.
This baby was going to love me, because I was going to love him or her so hard, there’d be no reason not to.