The Wheels on the Bus go Badunk-a-dunk….

…Last Saturday, I attended a holistic healing & psychic fair with a coworker. I wrote about it in an earlier post to a certain degree, & told you that there was more to the story.

Well…one of the lecture sessions we attended was concerning Past lives & Karma, & how the two things can collide and coincide.

I do believe in reincarnation, let’s just get that out there. 

One of the things that this woman spoke about was how… When you reincarnate, you carry over lessons you didn’t learn from previous lives, into the next one, & have to repeat them.

Like summer school.

Oh, I only wish the teacher could be so cool. 

Well, I got to thinking about things.

I know that I have things in my life that I need to learn to let go of. There are things that I’ve held onto for so long…and I know, that if I don’t resolve them in this lifetime, I’ll be repeating these lessons in the next.

But, it’s really not going to be easy.

These are very triggering, emotional issues for me. And I don’t know how to just forgive the pain and trauma that was done to me. 

One – I have to figure out how to forgive my brother for what he did to me those years ago, when he hurt me so badly. When he declared his little sister dead, & basically destroyed any relationship we had, or ever could have. I don’t know how to forgive that. I really don’t. I know that I can’t let him back into my life as though nothing happened…so how do I forgive?

Two- and this one is the worst…

I have to figure out how to forgive my molester.

I have to stop letting the trauma of that experience affect me, stop allowing him to have any power in my life, & forgive…..

How the fuck do I do that?

I know I have to do both of these things – for myself, not for anyone else. This is for my own spiritual health & emotional well-being…

But I know that I’m raking some hot-burning coals, here.

And it could all go up in flames within minutes.

Yeah, there are other things I also need to figure out – like how I keep going through the same relationship failures, no matter who I seem to be with – they bail on me. But that’s something I’ll either learn or I won’t, & may have to repeat. I’m not as fraught with anxiety right now over that. 

The other two – however…those are going to put me under the tires of that Karma bus.

And that Karma bus just keeps right on Rollin….

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Sunday- Not so Silent

So I couldn’t stay silent. *shrug*

I’ve been in self-imposed silence all day, haven’t spoken a damn word to a single soul, either in person, or on the phone. Why? No reason, simply because there hasn’t been any contact with anyone.

Why don’t I reach out to someone? If I’m not getting contact from others, why not reach out myself?

Because, today, I’m not that person. 

Today, I’m the girl who knows that my love life, non-existant that it is, is a fucking joke. That guy I mentioned a few posts back? The maybe, rare, winter thunder I thought I heard?

Yeah, probably just a truck on the bypass rumbling by.

Sure, he’s wicked smart, funny, sure, sure…

And he even admitted we had great chemistry. That he really liked me, & that I was was to talk to. I was “perfect for him in so many ways”…

So, that’s why I dropped to the last place on his priority list, & I haven’t heard anything from him since Monday.

Hell, I’m not on his priority list. If he thought about me at all, it was about how to avoid me.

No problem.

Because I don’t go where I’m not wanted.

Sure, one day I’ll dust myself off & say that maybe I’m ready to try again.

But goddammit.

Getting ghosted twice in two months really fucking sucks.

It hurts when a relationship ends, no matter the circumstance…but what really hurts the most? Is when someone you trust, someone you’ve been honest with betrays you by simply never saying another word. When they shut you out and deny you the common human courtesy of closure…you feel…

Less than human.

Priorities

It’s been a long time since I made anyone’s list of priorities.

Not you, Beloved Nephew. I know you and I are a whole other level of love. 

This has to do with others in my life. 

And I get it.

I’m not someone that walks across your mind a lot. I am fairly quiet, and keep to myself. I don’t go out, I’m not an extrovert with a million Facebook friends, I sit and listen, most of the time.

Doesn’t mean I’m not here.

Doesn’t mean I don’t matter.

But (dusting my hands off on my jeans as I rise from the floor) – I refuse to be anyone’s obligation. I refuse to be a hassle or a burden.

If we were supposed to do something, if you were supposed to do something with me, but forgot, and I didn’t chastise you or remind you… Don’t worry.

Disappointment is something I’m so familiar with it’s a daily flavor on the back of my tongue.

I refuse to go where I’m not wanted…so I will simply not enter.

I will be silent.

My friendship is worth something, but I won’t force it on anyone.

My feelings are worth something more, but if others don’t value them…

There’s nothing I can – or will – do about it.

I am honest about who I am.

I do not lie.

And if you cannot, or will not, put me on your list of priorities… Then I will have to walk away.

Because it hurts too much, otherwise.

I’ve sat at the bottom of too many lists to count. And the pain of knowing that everyone and everything else comes before me…

No.

I won’t do it anymore.

I’m worth more than that.

Don’t make me do all the fucking work.

Because I won’t.

I’ll walk.

Something I’ve Never Been

Well, I got my down-time, in an unexpected way.

I ended up with pneumonia, & had to stay home for a couple of days. 

Not exactly what I was going for, but then again, is it ever?

I have, however, had a lot of time to think. Which could be good or bad, considering who’s doing the thinking, since I tend to overthink every-fucking-thing. 

I’m tired of being alone all the time. I’m tired of my days consisting of nothing more than work, working out, & working on the book & house. 

And while I adore my Beloved Nephew, having my only real adult conversations be on the phone with someone hundreds of miles away…well, sometimes it lacks a little something.

Ok, I’ll come right out and say it. 

I want to date again. I want to feel desirable and wanted, and I want someone to look in my eyes and see me again. I want someone to hold my hand, to push my hair back behind my ear as they lean in for a kiss, and to cuddle with me on cold evenings.

I want to walk through the park in the brisk fall air, crunching the leaves beneath my boots & breathing in the autumn scents. I want to sit & listen to another person talk about their day, tell me all about it. 

I want to feel them lying next to me in bed, heartbeat under my hand…falling asleep together, and waking up the next day to tangled limbs & avoiding each other’s morning breath.

I want the disagreements, because they’re fucking normal, and to be able to work through them and talk them out like the grownups we are, even if we both have to throw mini hissy-fits first. 

I want the long days where it seems like nothing’s gone right, and the long nights that you never want to end. I want the passion and the friendship and the affection and the laughter and the tears, yes, even the tears, as long as we can overcome them. 

I want to be normal, and be like those couples I see out at restaurants & in stores, laughing with each other, telling inside jokes – I want to have inside jokes with someone again. 

I want all of these things, but then…my heart stutters, my eyes well up, & I remember that everyone leaves me.

I don’t get to have normal.

I don’t know why…

But it’s something I’ve never been.

You never write, You never call…

I haven’t written here for a while, I know. I could make excuses, I could apologize and squirm and fall to my internet knees…

But I won’t.

Yeah, I’ve had things to do. Yeah, I’ve been working on writing my book, which means I haven’t really had the urge to write here too. Yeah, blah, blah, blah…

Truth is? I haven’t really felt all that inspired to write here, either. I’ve been a little under the weather, & in a depression.

My head is kind of a dark place right now, & I haven’t really felt like sharing.

What I really want to do is curl up in the center of my bed, pull the covers up, & stay there for the next few days…but

There are bills to pay, & guess who earns the checks ’round here? 

So, every morning, instead of curling back into myself like I want to, I crawl out into the world & do what I have to to survive.

I ain’t got time for this, I got shit to do.

But, I so badly want to stay in the dark…