How long do I tend the nest for a child who has already flown?
Here I sit, feeling like the worst mother in the world, right now. Tears pooling in my eyes as I type this, because I told OnlySon that I am planning on leaving North Dakota in a year, and he’s angry, albeit trying not to show it.
He wants everything to remain the same forever, but that can’t happen. Life stagnates if left to sit too long with no forward motion.
And I have been sitting still for many years now, waiting for something to change.
I’m not happy here, anymore.
Too many heartaches and heartbreaks.
Not enough reasons to look forward to getting out of bed every morning.
So, why should I stay?
For a son who has moved in with his father & is now going to be starting a new life of his own, getting a job, being busy with that & dropping by when he needs a shower or to pick up something else I’m storing in my basement or his bedroom?
For a job, which, yes, I enjoy my work – but, let’s face facts, isn’t a life?
Let’s see… Hmm…
What else does North Dakota have to offer me?
Two ex- husbands, one within city limits, and the other an hour away… No, that’s OK.
No one has been able to come up with a compelling, or even logical, reason why I should stay beyond my timeline.
I can’t live for my children’s benefit forever. There comes a time when they have to spread their own wings and leave the nest.
This is the way of life.
Why should I stay?
Tell me. When I feel as though there’s nothing left here for me…
Something seriously wrong happens to you when your soul separates into more than one piece.
Being a Gemini… This is a familiar, and uncomfortable, feeling for me.
I get too attached to the wrong people, sometimes.
I…have a tendency to let people into my life quickly, if they show me affection & appeal to my caretaker side. I’m a sucker for someone who needs a little TLC, and who doesn’t appreciate being taken care of every once in a while?
I have a soft spot for strays & those with sad eyes…the ones who have been hurt in the past, or are hurting now, and I want to jump in and bandage, comfort and fix.
But – that’s not always a good place for me to invest my emotions.
Because, once they’ve had their fill of coddling & cookies, they get up & walk away without a backward glance. Much like being discharged from the hospital, and not giving the nurses another thought once you’ve left the building.
Except, this nurse…thought there was a relationship there, and, much to her dismay, was quickly disabused of that notion when she was forgotten along with the rest.
Yeah, I was talking to someone. The Dragon, from my past, who I had come back into contact with around New Year’s, &… I thought we had at least rekindled a friendship, becoming pen pals, at least. For the last 5 years, I’ve held this man in such high regard that I’ve made him a member of my Chosen Family, which appellation only goes to a very select and small number.
Namely him and one other, the Beloved Nephew.
There is no romantic relationship with this man, but he has had a huge impact on my life, even though he refuses to see it.
And, for some reason, he seems to be afraid of this relationship, which baffles me, because I’ve never asked him for anything other than conversation, honesty, & friendship. That’s it.
And it truly, deeply, hurts, that he seems to have disappeared again…
Leaving a portion of my soul, the piece that attached itself to him, as friend and family, floating, lost out there…aimless and alone.
How many separations can the soul survive… Before it gives up completely?
Or before it ices over?
I need to fix this.
And I believe the only way now…
Is to reunite with my soul-companion.
Soul-Companions are not romantic soul mates. They are those people who come into your life – friend, family member – who just – so completely get you that there are no words necessary. They understand…everything…
They don’t always agree with you, but they understand.
You can, and usually do, tell them everything…down to the nitty gritty, the good, bad & ugly. They’ve seen you laugh till you weep, and they’ve held you as you cry till you collapse. They’ve talked you off the emotional ledges, and you’ve done the same for them, bringing the ice cream & booze for the pity parties. You’ve each laced up your “bitch boots” to stomp the crap out of someone who’s hurt your soul-companion, & you’d bring the shovel to bury the evidence without being asked.
There is an almost psychic bond between soul companions that is impossible to break. Beloved Nephew & I often say we live inside each other’s heads more often than not.
He’ll call me, out of the blue, because he feels like he needs to… And it’ll be exactly what I need, because I’ve had a rough day.
Or, I’ll text him something I’ve found online, because I know it’s something he needs, & he texts me back saying “How’d you KNOW I needed that RIGHT NOW!?!”
He moved down South to be near his family, while I’m still in the far North… And it hasn’t been easy being away from him.
Not just because we have fun hanging out together.
But because… He just gets it.
And I understand him.
And, I know… For the both of us, because we’ve discussed this, our souls need each other to heal, to grow & to find our next steps.
As family and as friends, and as Soul-Companions.
My timeline is set.
I have a goal.
I am moving forward.
And the stray gets put to the side of the road once again on the journey of life…
I’m used to it now.
The pain of being left behind…
The confusion as they leave, with no explanation, no thought of anyone else’s feelings, & just a merry wave…because, hey… She’s resilient… She’ll bounce right back & find someone else.
They think that because they don’t see the brokenness that follows… The destruction of self I never allow anyone to see.
All they see is the mask & the automaton that goes through the daily motions, existing until I can rebuild from within, slowly, excruciatingly, piece by piece.
The only one who never left me…is the one I had to push away, because he was a toxic liar & chronic breaker of promises. And, is still stalking me to this day.
Something seriously wrong with this picture.
And DON’T tell me “Well, maybe you just need some time alone”.
I’ve been alone for 6 years, considering how many times I’ve been dumped, ghosted, benched & dusted.
But, I’m fine. Just tired…
The quality of the sound is different, somehow.
The sound of the absolute silence of my house, for this, the first night of me officially living alone.
OnlySon moved out on Monday.
And EldestDaughter left with her horde today.
I’ve had days & nights on my own before, sure. Plenty of them. OnlySon went practically every weekend to his father’s house. I’ve had summers without the kids since the divorce.
It’s not like I’ve never had the house to myself…
But it’s never been this official.
And a part of me feels as though I’ve been set adrift.
Unmoored, I am not sure which direction I’m headed in now.
I no longer have children to raise.
I have no spouse or SO to share with or answer to.
Some might think this is a reason to celebrate, to cut loose & go all “Yay Me” all over the place.
But, that means…they don’t really understand who I am at my core.
I am a caretaker.
I like and thrive on having people I care about around me to share my life with, be they children, an SO, Chosen Family, you know…loved ones.
When I’m alone…
There’s no one to care for.
And there’s no one here who cares for me…so…
What’s the sense in staying?
Time to figure out how to get gone.
Dropped some truth bombs tonight.
I don’t know if it was Because I’m at the end of my tether, emotionally, or because I’ve been taking more of my antianxiety meds…or just because I’ve had more bullshit to deal with lately than I can successfully shovel…
But, I let the cleansing begin.
First, I talked to my Mom.
We discussed a lot of things on the phone tonight, about what’s been going on in my life, what my parents have been dealing with (they’ve been helping a friend deal with the loss of her husband, and it hasn’t been easy), and about OnlySon’s graduation.
While on that subject, I told her some of the family members I’d sent announcements to… And my brother was not on the list.
She wasn’t happy about that.
But, as I tried to tell her…
I don’t have his contact information. Ever since he & his family moved, I’ve lost touch. We don’t call each other, don’t move in the same circles socially, & haven’t had much to say to one another ever since he wrote his venomous email to me a few years ago, which prompted me to cut off contact with him.
She tried to tell me that “He’s totally changed, & didn’t mean any of those things anymore”.
When I told her that he’d never said he was wrong, had never apologized or attempted to make amends, she said he never would.
So, I told her “And I can never forget, nor forgive, what he said. He destroyed any hope of a relationship he could have with me, so why should I have any consideration for his feelings? He doesn’t want me to be involved with his children, so why should he be involved with mine??. He once stated that his little sister was dead to him. He was right.”
And that ended that conversation.
Then… it was time to handle Truth Bomb #2.
I received an email from E today.
Begging for forgiveness, and threatening to take his own life if I don’t take him back and talk to him.
After having been emotionally abused in my last marriage, I swore that it would never happen again.
So I let him have it with both barrels.
He has a preteen daughter.
I called him selfish and a coward.
I told him that if he could fight for his country, then he could damned well fight for his daughter, pull himself up by his bootstraps, & prove to his child that she was worth sticking around for, instead of turning her into an orphan.
I told him that it was time to stop laying the blame of his feelings on me, and take responsibility for his own actions and choices.
And that, obviously, he’d never listened to anything I’d said, didn’t know who I was at all, & had some fantasy built up in his head of who I was, and that he’d better get over it, stop lying to himself & everyone else, go home & treat his daughter better than he’d treated me.
I also told him that I’d take responsibility for my own culpability, that I’d let him talk me into lying to family & friends about all the secrets he’d asked me to keep for him, but that he’d asked me to do that at all was reprehensible and morally objectionable.
Finally, I told him that, after all this, I’d been right to stop trusting him, that stooping to emotional blackmail was sick, that I had been right to put a stop to the relationship when I had, and that I wanted him to stop trying to contact me ever again.
The calls would not be answered, & would, in fact, be automatically rejected.
That texts would be sent directly to spam, & I would never see them.
Same with emails.
And I never answer unknown numbers, so trying to reach me from another phone wouldn’t work.
This – needs to end.
And if it means being a stone cold nuclear bitch from now on…