I’ve talked numerous times here about having General Anxiety Disorder and High Functioning Depression. They’re not easy subjects to live with, and they’re not always easy to understand, or to explain, because they’re not usually obvious and visible to most people.
They don’t reach out and slap you in the face like some mental illnesses, instead, those who live with them, usually suffer in silence, for many reasons.
I don’t ever want to be anyone’s burden or obligation, so I don’t talk much about it to people, unless I know them really, really well, and even then…most of the people in my life don’t hear about it. They might catch a glimpse, but then I stuff it back away, almost like a guilty flash of wardrobe malfunction.
I am chronically independent, and prefer to solve my own problems. I’ve been this way my whole life, and used to be worse when I was younger. I will actually ask for help in dire circumstances now, where I would once have just sat and cried over not being able to do it myself.
Anxiety never has a reason. It is illogical. This is the first thing you have to know. It is the feeling I have when I step outside my office in the winter, & sway…thinking that I am going to slip on the snow/ice, and crack my head on the cement/pavement. It doesn’t matter what type of footwear I have on, or whether the sidewalk has been cleaned. I know I could so easily fall… I get dizzy, I have to take small, careful steps all the way to my truck, concentrating the whole way just to make sure I get there safely.
It is knowing that bad things happen after dark, especially to women, so refusing to go out in public, alone, after work. I won’t go to Walmart after work during the winter, because it’s dark, and I’m alone. I simply won’t do it. It’s hard enough to go to the grocery store, & that gets my heart racing like a 5-mile sprint. My anxiety meds can’t keep up, so I try to avoid triggers as much as possible. I know, for the most part, what sets me off, & try to avoid them.
I have people who make fun of me for these things.
It really doesn’t fucking help.
Depression doesn’t have to have a reason. People ask me all the time – “What’s wrong? Why are you down?” And I don’t have an answer… I have to make something up. Because there really is no answer. I’m just depressed. That’s all there is to it. I can’t see “up” right now, I have no good emotions, I have to wear “numb” on my face, because the alternative has me in bed staring at a wall.
And nothing you say is going to change it.
Please don’t send me motivational memes, or uplifting jpegs, or try to turn that frown upside down with funny gifs.
I can still fake laughter, you’ll think you’ve succeeded, walk away with head held high as though you’re the next Freud or Dr. Phil…
And I’ll go right back to my blank, expressionless million-mile stare as soon as your back is turned.
Anxiety and depression are taking a toll on me in many ways.
I don’t sleep right, my insomnia is worse than ever. Part of that is from working on quitting smoking, I know, but I’m not giving up on that.
My hair is falling out from stress. Sure, I’ve always had an abundance of hair, but I’ve had way too much ending up in the sink and shower these days.
I broke a tooth over the holidays. I know it’s from clenching my jaws so much in my sleep. I find myself clenching my jaw throughout the day…another sign of my anxiety.
I’m researching ways to treat my depression naturally, because I really don’t want to take more stoner meds. But, because of my food allergies, I have to watch what I can & can’t take there, too.
I do know that I have to start taking a multivitamin, for a multitude of reasons, I’m short on nutrients I need. So, hopefully, that might make a difference…but we’ll see. It takes time.
There are days, when I feel as though I am a stony beach, covered in a gritty sand, the tide washing layers of me away, slowly… Until one of these days, there will be nothing left, but the raw, cold rock, no feeling, no emotion at all, just dead stone…
I’m still not processing things very well.
I sit in silence most nights, reading. I haven’t even been working out, even though I know I should, I just don’t have the motivation. I come home from work, & I immediately burrow under my blanket with my Kindle & dig into whatever I’m currently reading, only pausing to eat, shower, & go to bed.
Maybe taking a short break for a phone call, if one happens to come through.
But, there’s no spark, no gumption, no fire of get-up-and-go there, right now.
I’m on the down side of depression, with a large slice of anxiety mixed in.
I feel numb, most of the time, as though I’m no one. Nothing. Nothing matters, nothing changes, and no one sees it.
I hide, I camouflage very well within my masks. It’s a game I learned a long time ago, and I’m good at it.
No one knocks on my door.
The ones who call are all long distance, so they don’t see the day-to-day emotional distance I’ve erected between myself and the rest of the world.
The locals don’t call.
There are some, that only know me through here, anymore, even though they are local. The only time they think of me is if I write here, but, then I fade from their thoughts as quickly as the words vanish from view off their screens.
I am transitory entertainment…
There are days when I feel like a drive through. You pull up, receive an order, a dose of whatever’s on the menu for that day…and drive on. You don’t look back or wonder about how the girl in the window is getting along. You’ve gotten what you came for, & you’re done.
Everyone is always moving on.
I sit in the window, watching, expressionless, waiting for the next car.
I have P!nk’s song stuck in my head…
There’s a road that takes me home
Take me fast
Or take me slow
Throw my head out the window
Feel the wind
Make me whole…
I don’t mind…I love her new CD, Beautiful Trauma, & have all the songs downloaded to my mp3 player so I can listen to them while I’m at work, mixed in with all my other music.
It’s just that hook…on a loop, though…
At least it’s not Christmas music.
Speaking of Christmas…
SadHeart 💙 is coming to visit for Christmas.
I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, a lot of emailing with him, & some introverted soul-searching.
And, I’ve cone to the conclusion that – I’m 47. I’m not going to find love by conventional methods, because I’m not a conventional woman (stop laughing, yahoos), so I’m going to explore the opportunity that has been presented to me.
💙 has been generous enough to offer to fly here from the state & city he lives in, just to meet me. This was one of the major problems I had with E – getting him to actually show up after all the promises he made, & 💙 has not only come up with this on his own, it was not a promise, simply a “I want to meet you, so I’m going to do this”.
I need to meet that kind of courage and strength of character with my own courage, & not shy away from the possibility that he might be just what I’m looking for. I’ll never know if I don’t try, right?
So, company’s coming for the holidays.
Time to get out the decorations, I guess.
It’s been a long time since I made anyone’s list of priorities.
Not you, Beloved Nephew. I know you and I are a whole other level of love.
This has to do with others in my life.
And I get it.
I’m not someone that walks across your mind a lot. I am fairly quiet, and keep to myself. I don’t go out, I’m not an extrovert with a million Facebook friends, I sit and listen, most of the time.
Doesn’t mean I’m not here.
Doesn’t mean I don’t matter.
But (dusting my hands off on my jeans as I rise from the floor) – I refuse to be anyone’s obligation. I refuse to be a hassle or a burden.
If we were supposed to do something, if you were supposed to do something with me, but forgot, and I didn’t chastise you or remind you… Don’t worry.
Disappointment is something I’m so familiar with it’s a daily flavor on the back of my tongue.
I refuse to go where I’m not wanted…so I will simply not enter.
I will be silent.
My friendship is worth something, but I won’t force it on anyone.
My feelings are worth something more, but if others don’t value them…
There’s nothing I can – or will – do about it.
I am honest about who I am.
I do not lie.
And if you cannot, or will not, put me on your list of priorities… Then I will have to walk away.
Because it hurts too much, otherwise.
I’ve sat at the bottom of too many lists to count. And the pain of knowing that everyone and everything else comes before me…
I won’t do it anymore.
I’m worth more than that.
Don’t make me do all the fucking work.
Because I won’t.