Numb

It’s been 5 days now, and I still feel as though I’m walking through some sort of nightmare…

I know I have to get my shit together, I have things to do, chores that won’t do themselves (obvi…I live alone.), a job that requires my full attention for 8 hours a day, 3 pets that need care & love. 

I have children that still need their mom to occasionally check in with them, even tho they no longer live under my roof. Parents that deserve that same checking in, even tho I haven’t lived under theirs for decades. Friends who deserve attention, because they care enough to check in with me.

I ain’t got time for this, I got shit to do.

And yet…I’m just…numb.

Underneath the work-mask…my face is a blank gaze, a “thousand-mile stare”.

I’ve come to a turning point.

And yet…

I’m not sure which way I’ll turn, just yet.

All I know?

Things are becoming much clearer to me. 

What’s truly important. 

To hold onto the moments that ring that little “bell” inside my head that tells me “this is something you need to remember…this…This…is a cherished memory”. That we only get to go through this life once, we only get these moments once, and then they’re GONE. 

DON’T FUCKING SQUANDER THE OPPORTUNITIES YOU’RE GIVEN TO SPEND TIME WITH PEOPLE YOU CARE ABOUT.

They won’t be here forever.

Who’s truly important in my life.

The people who’ve stayed, through all the bullshit, good times and bad, light and dark, held me while I cried & joined me while I laughed.  

The fair-weathers will find the door. Swiftly.

I don’t have time for that, anymore.

I’ve given up on Love.

Beloved Nephew says it’s just not time…yet… That there’s someone out there for me who’ll see how great I am & will realize I’m too good to let walk away.

I scoff inside my head & wonder to myself… “Then why’d they all leave?”

But again…I ain’t got time for this…I’ve got shit to do.

I have things I need to accomplish before I leave.

And the clock is ticking…..

Crawling

The darkness inside my head is so absolute right now, it’s difficult to identify the light.

Please don’t assume that I will take the “copycat” option, because I won’t, I can’t. 

But right now…I can’t say that it hasn’t crossed my mind once or twice.

I’ve thought about the subject of suicide for the majority of the last 2 days, since hearing about Chester over the radio. 

I’ve been locked in a cycle of numbness, shock, deep depression and tears, and something approaching normalcy- which is the mask I have to wear out in public and for work, so I can keep my job.

But, alone…my brain is stuck in a cycle of horrific awfulness, sadness over the loss I feel because of Chester’s death; it’s an overwhelming void inside.

Only one person in my life really gets how I feel about this band, these people who belong to this group, Linkin Park – my Beloved Nephew. Because he feels the same way about them. He knows, because he’s been through some of the same type of shit, and has had the same type of reactions to their music.

How the music gets under your skin, inside your head, and takes you someplace else. Telling you that it’s completely OK to feel angry, to BE angry, and to USE that anger to fuel yourself, to use it in your fight to make it past your demons, to surround yourself with all the emotions you feel, both good and bad, To wear them like a GODDAMN CAPE and USE THEM to pull yourself out of the black.

It’s OK. I don’t expect anyone else to get it.  Music is subjective, it’s art, and not everyone is going to feel the same about the artists others enjoy. 

And given what I remember and have experienced of grief, I know that loss takes time to work through. 

(Insert psychobabble logic here)

But, fuck.

It hurts.

It hurts so goddamn much.

And the only one I can reach out to who understands is hundreds of miles away.

So I go through this alone.

Fuck.

Crawling in my skin
These wounds they will not heal
Fear is how I fall
Confusing what is real

There’s something inside me
That pulls beneath the surface
Consuming, confusing
This lack of self control I fear
Is never ending, controlling

I can’t seem to find myself again
My walls are closing in
(Without a sense of confidence)
(I’m convinced that there’s)
(Just too much pressure to take)
I’ve felt this way before so insecure

-except from Crawling, by Linkin Park

Introvert Aftermath

Yesterday was the reunion. I was gone for about 12 hours, socializing & doing the expected “extrovert” stuff, by visiting the school, hanging out with classmates, making small talk with townspeople, etc.

I got home about midnight, & tried to stay up for a bit, to decompress. I wrote last night’s blog post, had something to snack on…and…crashed…hard.

Super hard.

As in – I woke up today somewhere between 12:30 and 1:00pm – hard.

I’m still exhausted, & can’t seem to gather enough energy to do more than sit upright.

My head hurts as though I were hungover, although I drank no alcohol.

My body feels as though I’d been dragged behind a truck for about 3 miles of bad road.

My phone has rung several times today, someone trying to get ahold of me to do a wedding this week, but I’ve had no energy to answer, much less the desire to be polite…considering the first phone call was placed at 8am this morning, & briefly woke me.

Who calls at 8am on a Sunday morning?

Ferfuckssake.

I’ll get back to this person tomorrow, when I have more energy, and less of a desire to snap his head off like a dandelion for being rude. (And for the short notice -he wants me to perform the wedding this week -during the week – as though I have nothing else to do – see why I’m waiting to respond? Me – cranky…)

This is what heavy socialization does to an introvert like myself.

It causes a complete shutdown, sometimes for hours, and sometimes…in severe cases, it can cause the shutdown to go on for days. 

It takes time, quiet, & space to recharge an introvert. I’ve expended every bit of my energy, reserves included, on what I did yesterday.

And I know I’m going to have to get up & go to work tomorrow – with work being handled by a skeleton crew.

*Sigh*

Early bedtime for me tonight…let’s just hope my insomnia lets me get a few hours uninterrupted so I can function.

Background Programs

I suppose I should feel grateful.

My stats have gone haywire over this last week. My post about Doc Hordinsky must have been shared over Facebook again, because I’ve been receiving mass hits on my blog because of it over the last few days.

Exposure is supposed to be good for writers, right?

Ok.

Instead, tonight, I’m sitting inside my house, in the dark, isolating myself. My anxiety has me in near-panic mode, for some unknown reason, and my evening has disappeared down a dark, seemingly endless well of nothing.

I’m numb to everything but the panic, and I can’t decide between flight or hide. “Fight” isn’t an option, since there’s no opponent, so it’s either “flight” which means medicating myself into oblivion… Or “hide”, which is to try to ride it out curled up in bed, hoping the morning will see it gone.

……..

I haven’t heard anything from E (my stalker) since Saturday… This, to me, means he’s either out of his normal phone service area, or he’s making his way overseas… At least when I was seeing the auto-rejected phone calls, I knew where he was located. Now, he could be anywhere, & I’m waiting for the other shoe to drop.

No wonder my anxiety is so high.

Rather like this post about Doc, which is years old, still garnering so much attention even to this day…

The programs running in the background always seem to carry the biggest surprises… Not always good ones.