Silent Sunday 11/19/17


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Priorities

It’s been a long time since I made anyone’s list of priorities.

Not you, Beloved Nephew. I know you and I are a whole other level of love. 

This has to do with others in my life. 

And I get it.

I’m not someone that walks across your mind a lot. I am fairly quiet, and keep to myself. I don’t go out, I’m not an extrovert with a million Facebook friends, I sit and listen, most of the time.

Doesn’t mean I’m not here.

Doesn’t mean I don’t matter.

But (dusting my hands off on my jeans as I rise from the floor) – I refuse to be anyone’s obligation. I refuse to be a hassle or a burden.

If we were supposed to do something, if you were supposed to do something with me, but forgot, and I didn’t chastise you or remind you… Don’t worry.

Disappointment is something I’m so familiar with it’s a daily flavor on the back of my tongue.

I refuse to go where I’m not wanted…so I will simply not enter.

I will be silent.

My friendship is worth something, but I won’t force it on anyone.

My feelings are worth something more, but if others don’t value them…

There’s nothing I can – or will – do about it.

I am honest about who I am.

I do not lie.

And if you cannot, or will not, put me on your list of priorities… Then I will have to walk away.

Because it hurts too much, otherwise.

I’ve sat at the bottom of too many lists to count. And the pain of knowing that everyone and everything else comes before me…

No.

I won’t do it anymore.

I’m worth more than that.

Don’t make me do all the fucking work.

Because I won’t.

I’ll walk.

You never write, You never call…

I haven’t written here for a while, I know. I could make excuses, I could apologize and squirm and fall to my internet knees…

But I won’t.

Yeah, I’ve had things to do. Yeah, I’ve been working on writing my book, which means I haven’t really had the urge to write here too. Yeah, blah, blah, blah…

Truth is? I haven’t really felt all that inspired to write here, either. I’ve been a little under the weather, & in a depression.

My head is kind of a dark place right now, & I haven’t really felt like sharing.

What I really want to do is curl up in the center of my bed, pull the covers up, & stay there for the next few days…but

There are bills to pay, & guess who earns the checks ’round here? 

So, every morning, instead of curling back into myself like I want to, I crawl out into the world & do what I have to to survive.

I ain’t got time for this, I got shit to do.

But, I so badly want to stay in the dark…

Ashes, Ashes, We all Fall…

I can feel the change inside of me.

Something that used to be there – is missing.

Well, maybe not missing… I think it might be dead.

And all I feel now, inside my soul…is ashes.

Where the flame used to burn brightly, fueling a zeal and passion for things – there is no light. No fire. Not even a spark.

Rejection at every turn will do that.

Something is broken, and, as I sit here among the scattered pieces, I’m not even sure I have the manual on how to fit them back together again.

My fingers lie numb at the ends of my hands, fumbling as I type… (Thank goddess for spell check and the “edit and view” feature before a posting)

I stare at the walls when I don’t have some mindless busywork to do, trying to remember what I used to fill my time with, and it all seems meaningless.

My Kindle keeps me from watching the real world pass me by…books my only true escape.

Working in my kitchen, readying to paint it, keeps me from screaming into my pillows, or crying into endless tissues. It’s pointless, anyway. No one hears.

I try to force myself outside my own comfort zone, even going so far as to volunteer for something through work this weekend, just to get out of the house…but in truth, I’m gritting my teeth and dreading it. 

I hate doing the “small talk social gathering” crap, anymore.

If I could just have one, real thing… Something here, that would make the days even worth it…

I know, I know…psychiatry says that happiness is supposed to come from within, you can’t hang your happiness on outside sources. 

But, when there’s only ashes in your soul…

You have to gather the firewood from somewhere.

You have to borrow the spark from another flame, to relight your own.

Walking through the ashes alone makes me weary.

And yet, I cannot sleep.

 The cycle never seems to end.

I need lightning.

Edit

Race

My extra dose of anxiety meds this evening slides down my throat as my pulse races once again.

Panic waits nearby, always hovering, crackling on the edges of my nerves.

For the last few weeks…things have been, bad, in regards to my anxiety.

I’ve been trying to deal… and for the most part, have kept the panic attacks at bay for now. But it’s just a matter of time.

I know it’ll happen, just not when.

So, I prepare.

I use the exercise to wear myself out every night, pushing myself to exhaustion. 

It’s not just to keep the dreams away.

If I’m worn to a nub, there’s no adrenaline to push through my system…and no fuel for the panic to feed off of.

And this time…I know why my nerves are frayed.

The rejection from the last one started the spiral.

But – it was spiked by E. 

He refuses to leave me alone, even though I’ve told him I’m finished. That I’m moving on with my life without him. I told him that I was through being manipulated, used, left behind. And that he needed to leave me alone from here on out.

He’s refusing to hear me.

Multiple attempts to call, at least on two occasions, he tried to call me – and when I rejected his “private number” and “unknown caller” calls, he rang back immediately – 12 times each day.

I’ve blocked his number, email, texts, etc., but when you make your # “private”? It rings through anyway… It’s stalking. Harassment. Meant to intimidate and manipulate.

I refuse to answer.

But…it reminds me that he will not stop.

Not until he gets what he thinks he wants.

And that makes my anxiety shoot up.

It makes me want to – at the same time – run for the hills and hide… And face him down and smash his face, force him to leave me alone.

I’m so sick of people trying to tell me who they think I should be, what I should do, what I should think, or feel.

I know who I am.

I know my own feelings.

I know what’s right for me.

And I’ll be damned if I’ll ever fucking apologize for any of that, ever again. 

Yes, there’s more than one reason for that last statement, and no E isn’t the only reason. I’m not ready to go into the rest of it, just yet. 

I’m pissed off, anxious, depressed, lonely and fed up. All at the same time.

It’s not easy trying to deal with all of this, but I will. I talk to the Beloved Nephew, but he’s not here…he’s states away, so I ride this wave alone.  So I deal – On my own, because that’s just the way it works. I don’t ask for help until I’m bleeding out. 

You should know this by now.