Healing, Energy, & Love (or Why I Spent My Morning Stoned)

OhmyGoddess today was so much Fun!

Fun-sized Coworker, Betty, (not her real name, but a nickname she’ll recognize)  and I went to a holistic healing & psychic fair at a hotel here in town today! And it was a BLAST! 

There were vendors there who ran the gamut from tarot reading to auric photography, to energy healing, to essential oils, and yes, my personal favorite and Achilles heel… STONES.

Ahmigad…

STOOONNNEES…..

I’m such a rock nerd.

I bounced back & forth between the 2 different stone vendors, who set up on opposite ends of the venue, & wanted to buy out the lot. My fingers twitched every time I got near the tables, my ears tingled, my brain melted, & I fought the urge to spend every last cent I had on me on pretty pretty precious…..

I did end up with a stone chip necklace, a stone pendant, & a loose stone, all different types, & restrained myself from emptying the coffers further, oh…but the willpower it took… Oof.

We also attended 3 of the lectures they had there, which were all really interesting, & I wish we could have had more time with each of the speakers. Half an hour per session simply flew by!

I’ll tell you, whatever was going on there? It was all positive, because I felt wonderful all morning. Strong, and yes…dare I say it? Freakishly normal. 

OK. Here’s what I mean by that statement.

My anxiety has been bad for the last few months. I’ve had to add an additional dose to my morning routine on an everyday basis for about the last 6 months, bringing my total dosage up to 2&1/2 pills total throughout the day (I break them in half & take a half every 2 to 4 hours)

My dosage schedule on a normal day is as follows: 8, 10, 2, 6, 10. (Yes, mornings are harder than afternoons -why? Not a morning person. That’s why.)

Today?

I took my 1st morning dose…and promptly forgot about the damn things till I got back from grocery shopping… A full HOUR after leaving the healing fair, which means I skipped at least 2 other doses without noticing.

Now – on a regular day? I would be a shaking, tense, choking mess, with a heart rate of about 250, & a visible vibration going on under my skin. My skin would be flushed & hot, & I would have broken out in blisters at this point.

Today? 

I didn’t notice till I got home, & started to feel the drag on my nerves. I took my next dose, & I’m fine, but that’s not my point.

The energy at this fair was wild.

And, I remembered how much I missed it. Energy work. I’m going to be getting back into that, bet your sweet bippy on that one.

Another thing I learned today… Was about clearing your Karma from past lives & from this life. But I think I’ll save that for another post, as it’s going to take more room…and significantly more willingness on my part to actually do it. Feh. 

All in all…today was a HUUUGE day of lessons, and was exactly where I needed to be. I’ve got a lot to think about now, a lot to learn, to research & read…

And a whole hell of a lot of soul searching and self-ego-burning to do.

I cannot let myself fall into Gollum’s trap of greed & selfishness. I have to learn to truly let go, in order to free myself.

And that’s going to fucking hurt.

Chosen #flash fiction

I’ve been here before… but when?

Lucien shook his head, trying to clear it, the slight headache at the back of his skull protesting at the maneuver.

“Don’t bother trying to figure it out, Luc, it’ll all be clear shortly,” Petra stepped up next to him, sliding her hands to his shoulders to massage the tight muscles bunched and knotted there. She always knew just what to say, somehow, even though they’d only known each other for a semester. Another thing Lucien had yet to figure out. This weird, almost… instantaneous connection he’d had with Petra, from the moment he’d met her in Ancient Mythology Studies class.

“Let’s go sit while we wait for the others, shall we?” Petra nudged him from behind, guiding him across the – well, the only thing Lucien could call it was – salon, because they were in an extremely old, Renaissance-era home, and this would have been a meeting room, where guests would have been entertained. Luckily, it was now Petra’s home, and she had more modern sensibilities, so the dainty furniture of a bygone era was replaced with deep leather couches, extremely plush chairs, and all manner of side tables, comfortable lighting for reading, and lots of lush, green plants. It was a room for sinking in and getting comfortable, or for lounging around of an evening with family and friends.

Lucien dropped onto one of the deep couches, patting the spot next to him, and Petra immediately followed, curling her legs up behind her and leaning into his shoulder.

“What’s this all about, Pet? I’ve been feeling weird all week, and this stuff tonight has got me wound up tighter than an 8 day clock.” Lucien grimaced, but snugged his arm around her back, pulling her in closer. It wasn’t really a romantic gesture, it was…just comfortable, in an odd way.

And that was the thing Lucien really found weird.

Lucien loved women. He loved the way they spoke, the way they thought, the way they made him feel. He loved everything about them, and had dated many, always trying to be a gentleman, even when it didn’t work out.

Petra was lovely, gorgeous, in fact.

And he hadn’t hit on her once in the whole time he’d known her.

And since they’d met, he hadn’t felt like dating anyone at all.

What the hell was wrong with him?!?

“It’s OK, Luc. Byrin will explain everything when we’re all here. Just, please, be patient.” Petra smoothed out a wrinkle in his shirt with her hand and laid her head on his shoulder, smiling as he let out a huff.

“Fine. I’ll hear him out.”

20 minutes later, Luc was pretty sure he’d fallen down a rabbit hole with Alice, and hit his head on a rock in Wonderland.

He knew everyone in the room…but couldn’t tell you what their names were.

Petra had gotten up when the first people had started arriving, making sure everyone had drinks, found a seat, took their coats. But she didn’t introduce anyone, which Lucien found extremely odd. Petra was always a stickler for manners. This was way out in left field. Lucien found his brows drawing down to the center of his forehead in puzzlement, trying to figure it all out. Petra’s eyes flashed to his, sparkling with amusement.

Dammit, she’s doing this on purpose! He thought to himself. And when she winked, he flushed, knowing it was true.

At that moment, one of the guys, he looked to be about 40-ish, stepped up in front of the fireplace and placed his tumbler on the mantelpiece, turning again to face the room and its occupants.

“Everyone, I’m Byrin, and I know at least some of you are confused as to why we’re all here, so I’ll explain,” he rubbed his hands together as though trying to light a fire between his palms.

“What I’m about to tell you is probably going to sound fantastical, you might think I’ve gone round the bend, or you might have a sudden realization that you really want to be someplace, anyplace else right away. 

“But – I’m asking you to suspend judgment. I’m asking for your patience and open-mindedness, just for the length of time it takes me to finish my tale, and to possibly answer a few questions. Maybe even some of your own. After that, if you wish to leave, no one will stop you.

“You might have noticed that you recognize the other people here tonight, but don’t know why. You also might have a sense of deja vu about this house, or this neighborhood, possibly even just the city.  There is a very good reason for this.

“We are Chosen.

“Chosen what, you might ask? 

“Well… Chosen Family, in a way. Not bound by blood, but by time and by our souls.” 

At this Byrin raised one hand and nodded, as though to forego any incredulous looks.

“I know, how that sounds, but we have all been bound together, lifetime after lifetime, as a family. In one life or another we each CHOSE to join this circle of souls, and we seek one another out, every time we reincarnate.

“How else do you explain that we all instinctively know each other, connect instantly, and yet…here, in this room, right now, you can’t name each other?”

Lucien blinked absently at Petra, her, nodding back at him, and she smiled wide and walked over to Byrin and took his hand and spoke now.

“I’ve known Byrin in this life for a little over a year. I knew as soon as we bumped into one another at the market that we were connected somehow, and I’ve met a couple of you others since. It is hard to grasp, at first. But once you let the weirdness wash away, and settle into the familiarity of the Family, it’ll quickly remind you that you’re home. Please, don’t let the weird push you away. Chosen Family is so much better, plus…there are other perks…”

And Petra’s eyes sparkled again with a mischievous glint as she released Byrin’s hand.

“Once you accept the Family, and your place in it, you get to remember all your previous lives and – including some truly…magickal gifts.”

Lucien watched, stunned, as Petra snapped her fingers and disappeared, only to reappear instantaneously at the other side of the room, grinning wildly.

Byrin shook his head and chuckled, pulling the attention of the room once again with a slight cough.

“Just remember – no one is forced to do anything. All of this is a Choice. Every lifetime, you get to choose. And even if you choose not to stay, you can still reincarnate & choose to come back in the next life.”

“Because blood may last a life time, but Chosen Family is eternal.”

Whisper #FamChallenge #flashfiction

I can hear the whispering again…

For the last 2 years… On every full moon…the voices call to me…

Shiya…come…come to us…Shiya…the moon rises…come…

Every month, for the 2 years since I’d turned 18, I’d heard this soft, insistent voice, pushing, pulling, tugging at me. 

Come…Shiya…come now…come to the circle…

“Shiya. Shiya! What the hell?! Are you listening?”

Shaking my head, I look up at Brenda, her staring, puzzled, back at me. My friend perched on her chair across the table from me, our coffees between us at the small town bakery we met at every other week for brunch. I knew she wanted to hear me tell her that everything was normal, that I was fine…but that was so not the truth.

“Sorry, Bren, I was…just – ah hell. I don’t know.”

I scrubbed my fingers through my hair, raking it back over my head, knowing it would be an unholy mess, and totally not caring. 

“Shit, Shiya, it’s the voices again, isn’t it?”

“Shhhh!” I hushed quickly, glancing around the room to see who was looking. Last thing I wanted was for the local gossips to hear that I was hearing voices, for gods’ sake! Oh, that’d set the biddies up for a lifetime supply of stories over their fence lines, and my family would send me packing with the men driving the padded truck.

“I don’t want to talk about that here. Not now.”

“Ok, fine. But you know this is nuts, right?”

“I know.”

That night, the moon rose, silver and full.

And the whisper rose with it, filling my head.

And then, just in that moment as the moon shone overhead, I knew I had to get out, and I knew where to go.

To the trees…the whisper was coming from the trees…

Fire at My Fingertips

It seems I’ve decided over the last couple of months to completely rearrange my life.

I’ve been seeing Ravens everywhere online, and the local equivalent, crows, in the skies, on the ground, in the trees. It was more, to me, than a mere coincidence.

It was the Morrighan calling.

Warrior Goddess, she who stands at the forefront of the battle. Those who stand unafraid before her gain strength from her touch. 

I do not fear my own death, I fear only my cowardice should I falter in the face of a loved one’s pain.

I started listening to what Morrighan had to teach me. To stand up for myself, which I have a hard time doing. To stop putting my needs first in my life, above everyone else’s wants. To cut away the things in my life that were no longer furthering my goals & dreams, but were, in fact, keeping me from reaching those very things.

And, changes started to immediately occur.

I dyed my hair black. Not a huge deal, but it made a big difference in how I see myself in the mirror, and it’s about perception.

I got serious about getting into shape. I work out now 4-5 nights a week, eat better, & have lost almost 20lbs. I’m starting to feel really good again, and I’m not done.

I’ve changed/dropped a couple of relationships with people that I can no longer maintain for various reasons. Not necessarily good or bad, in and of themselves, but necessary to make the changes I need for my life.  (Ok, yes, one of the relationships was causing me more harm than good, & my whole family, as well as my friends, were all glad when I told them I ended things for good this week. He’s still being persistent, & I’m not sure how things will play out in the end, but I took the first step.)

All of this has happened since I started seeing the ravens…

There’s fire at my fingertips, raven feathers in my hair, & the Morrighan walks at my side, whispering in my ear.

Embrace the flames.

Faith, Hope and Magick

The shower is a good place for me to think deeply. It seems to “wash away” the flotsam & jetsam of the day, clearing my mind… or, at least, focusing it, on whatever I’m trying to work out.

Tonight, for some reason, I while standing under the spray if the warm water, I started thinking about Magick. 

Yeah, okay, I’m a Pagan Witch, so Magick is part of my life on the regular. But, I don’t actually do a lot of spells, at least the way most people think of them.  I shift energy occasionally, putting good, positive energy into things I do, like cooking, or my crafting; even cleaning around the house gets a happy dose of “white light”, to keep the home feeling pleasant & welcoming. 

I use stones for focusing my energy transfers, too, but normally, only for myself. Like for healing, or meditation, or just for centering & focusing myself to regain calm during an anxious period.  I also keep a stone on my desk for focus while at work.

And, I’m good at getting red lights to turn green when I really need to get somewhere…

But, that’s usually the extent of it.

But, that’s not really the point of my post tonight.

My point, short story long…

I recently read some comments on a post in a Pagan group I belong to. Someone was asking for information about stones & their magickal properties, and one commenter got really shirty about saying that “Stones don’t do anything – they’re just rocks. You should use essential oils or herbs instead.”

And a bell went off in my head.

Of course stones don’t work for that person…they don’t have any Faith in it. They have no Hope. Therefore, their Magick will always fail.

One of the first things I learned in NY early training was that you have to believe.

YOU have to have Hope that the Magick will work to attempt a spell, then you have to have Faith that everything will happen the way it’s supposed to. If that means your money spell will see you winning $20 playing the lottery, or getting ok’d for overtime for a larger paycheck, then it works. If your love spell causes a stray cat or dog to follow you home, & you end up with a new pet, or you fall head over heels in love with your soul mate, that works too. And, if you do a spell that doesn’t seem to work, maybe the time wasn’t right for it, or maybe it was going to cause you to fall for someone abusive, so it was blocked by a higher power. Maybe you can’t have pets where you live, so instead of taking in a stray, you take it to the local shelter.

Any who, my point is – to do Magick…real, powerful, life-improving Magick… You MUST have both Hope & Faith. 

You don’t have to be Pagan to work Magick. You don’t have to light incense, or stir potions, or chant, or have “all the right tools”.

You just have to believe you can, you have to direct your will, and you have to accept the consequences, whatever they are.

Without Hope and Faith, Magick cannot exist.

Dream Interpretation – The Marten

Most of the time, I don’t remember much about my dreams. Flashes, impressions, feelings, maybe a short “flash fiction” style scene, is usually all I carry into my waking day.

But, once in a while, I’ll have a dream so vivid, so full of senses, that I not only remember it when I wake up, I carry it around in my head for days, until I figure out what it means for me.

(This happened shortly before Xmas, too, & the dream then led me to email the Dragon, which is another story entirely)

Anyway, the dream I had just a couple nights ago, was just as vivid & full of sensory detail, & I’ve been mulling it over inside my head ever since.

In the dream, I was told by someone that “the marten you saved is inside the barn, you should check on it”.

Which to me was a confusing statement in & of itself, because I don’t think about martens much, & haven’t ever seen one, except in pictures. What is a Marten, you ask?

Not something that would have registered in my waking mind as something important, as they aren’t native to ND, where I live, so I wasn’t sure, in the dream, why the person who told me this was so specific as to the kind of creature.

So, I went into the barn, & to the stall where this little critter was curled in a great pile of fresh straw, almost sleeping, & seemingly, very relaxed.

But, as soon as I crouched down near it, it jumped up, very excited, & rushed over to me, crawling up into my arms, nuzzling me, & chittering at me quite animatedly.

I just sat there, holding this warm, vibrating furry creature, & felt totally at peace, as though it were perfectly natural to have a wild animal, related to wolverines, badgers & weasels, snuggled in my arms like a house cat.

And then I woke up.

I did some research on martens, just to satisfy my curiosity about this unexpected dream, & in reading about martens as a totem animal, came upon some surprising information that sounded completely familiar & made me laugh at myself.

Taken quotes from Spirit Animal Personalities on blogspot

SOCIAL OVERVIEW:

♦ Introverted, independent
♦ Not manipulative of people
♦ Reputation as a bit of a quiet hermit
♦ Don’t make new friends easily or often
♦ Social activity can be stressful, awkward
♦ Reserved and reclusive, but playful around friends
♦ Uninterested in people and in opening up to people
♦ Do not recognise or place themselves within social hierarchies
♦ Make for non-commital but non-judgemental and truthful friends

INTELLECTUAL OVERVIEW

♦ Very inquisitive
♦ Not perfectionists
♦ Tend to procrastinate
♦ Likes to keep options open
♦ Healthy amount of cautious
♦ Always prefer to work alone
♦ Seem disorganised and easy-going
♦ Do not function well under a spotlight

EMOTIONAL OVERVIEW:

♦ Conflict avoidant
♦ Emotionally guarded
♦ Clear comfort zones
♦ Sometimes insensitive
♦ Capable of being vicious
♦ Often passive-aggrepeople

PERSONAL OVERVIEW:

♦ Adaptable
♦ Terrtorial and private
♦ Protective of things and ideas, not people

And while I agree completely with most of these traits, & see them very clearly inside myself, I don’t agree with the part about me being non-commital towards people, & not being protective of friends.

I am fiercely devoted to the people I care about, & will defend &/or protect them with all I have in me. This includes blood family And Chosen Family. 

I’m actually better at protecting & defending others than myself. Just ask my kids, or even better, my Nephew – he who knows all the nitty gritty.  I suck at backing myself up, & will usually be the first to take blame or lay guilt on myself in any situation.

So! *briskly rubbing my hands together*

What does this dream mean for me? Well, I’ve taken it to mean that I have a new totem animal, the marten, & I need to explore this some more. I’ve already been exploring my introvert nature, & I’ve been working on accepting it, instead of treating it as though it was a problem or deficit of character.

I think this is the next logical step, really, & look forward to learning more. 

I already feel there is another Goddess/God calling me as well.  Kwan Yin will always be my Boddhisatva, but she knows I have more room in my heart for love & devotion. Love multiplies itself & expands the boundaries of the heart to encompass all. That’s the main lesson She taught me.

I’m ready to learn more.

Bring on the Dreams.

Thor’s Protection

I’m not a follower of the Northern Viking pantheon, but this last weekend, I prayed to Thor for protection for my nephew, who was in the path of Hurricane Matthew.

I found this online at http://www.northern paganism.org , and felt very strongly that I was heard, & His blessing of protection was granted.

I will be doing a ritual of thanks this upcoming Thursday, which is the name given to “Thor’s Day”.

Thunder rolls, lightning strikes,

And the hammer flies across the sky.

 

God of the weather, chariot of the storm,

Master of rain and torrents,

Son of the strength of Mother Earth,

I ask you to grant me that strength for myself.

You who are so great that you cannot walk

Across the Rainbow Bridge without breaking it,

You whose tree is the mighty oak,

O Thunor, grant me that unending sturdiness.

Let me not break beneath the blows of misfortune.

Keep me from being crushed when the powerful

Stomp their large feet on the smaller ones below.

You who are the guardian of the common man,

You who care for the farmers and workers,

Look upon me here in this place where I am

Only one of many, and protect my steps.

Make me resilient and mighty as your own arm,

Make me unbreakable, you who are Friend of Man.

I ask for one small percentage of the vigor

Of the right arm of the Thunderer,

That I might brave the tempest

And stand firm in the gales.

 

Thunder rolls, lightning strikes,

And the hammer flies across the sky.

Peak Hours

Anxiety is so bad right now. 

Random pains are causing aches & spasms in muscles that shouldn’t be hurting.

Heart is racing, breathing is fast & uncomfortable. It actually hurts to draw breath, & I know I’m not inhaling deeply enough, but can’t seem to regulate it myself.

Hands & feet itch & twitch, restless & irritating. 

Why?!?

I can’t pinpoint the reason for this slow-building panic attack. It just keeps getting worse as the evening goes on.

Please, Goddess, let this be the peak of my anxiety, so I can see the other side, sloping down & away. Please let me be on the downhill slide of this.

I’m not into extended adrenaline rushes.

I just want to sleep, but know it won’t happen till I can calm myself somewhat.

Time for some external assistance.

Blessed Kwan Yin, hear my plea.

Calm and serene, comfort me.

Mother of Mercy, hold me still

Peace surrounds, by your will

Loving Goddess, I ask this now

Heal my soul, your child by vow.

Sturgeon Moon

I’m waiting for that moon, tonight.

The full moon. The lunar eclipse riding in the Aquarius constellation. The autumn’s change moon that is supposed to shake things up, change my world, and rattle all the cages, freeing beasts and beauties alike.

I’m waiting for this fiery moon to rise.

Something has to change.

I’ve told friends that I’m tired of being single, that I’d like to have a “special someone” again. That I want a relationship with someone that I know is headed toward commitment, eventually.

That, someday, I want to get married again.

And they tell me to “be patient”, that love will find me when I least expect it.

But how does that happen when you don’t ever go out, meet new people, try new things & new places?

And no, I’m not going on the dating apps again. I’ve gotten into enough trouble for myself there.

But, you ask, to rely on the moon to change this…isn’t that stretching credulity a bit?

Not in my faith, it’s not.

Being Pagan, I look to the universe to hand me my cues, and yes, that means the moon’s cycles, the stars in the heavens, the ebb and flow of the seasons & the tides.  The energies that I receive from contact with nature help me in more ways than one, and often.  

Sometimes, I forget that.

So, tonight, I’m drawing in the moon, calling her light into myself, and bathing in the changes she is going to bring.

Because I am a child of that moon, those stars, this earth.  

And I will honor and remember…

And try to be patient.

Come Along With Me – finished!

I’ve finished uploading the story on the page called “Come Along With Me”, for those who’d like to read it in its entirety.

I hope you enjoy it, as it was one of those odd-ball little stories that simply – Wouldn’t. Leave. Me. Alone.  Words, phrases, whole paragraphs would bang about in my brain throughout the day, until I could get home and write them down.  It burned through my head and out my fingers like acid until I finished it.

And now, it’s complete, and home.

Thank you for playing, we have some lovely parting gifts for you!