Translate Me

There’s a code,

Written into the pieces of me

Mysterious and complex

It speaks in forms unknown

Turning this on, turning that off

Flipping genetic switches at seeming random

Lighting fires within, only to douse them later, with no explanation or apology

It’s a book, 50, 100, 1 million volumes thick, written in a language I cannot read

My own body and mind, a saga I cannot comprehend without another’s key.

“The Divine Mystery” some may call it, as they turn away from the puzzle to things they can digest. The depth and breadth of the conundrum too much for them to contemplate, they have no further wish to attempt the struggle.

But for me, I wish to delve deeper, to try to understand the whys and wherefores, the hows and whats of Me.

I seek, not only to understand for my own self, but to translate – to gain understanding, the internal “ah-hah!” from others. To see the light go on when they understand that I am the way I am because…THIS. And THAT. And THESE.

Logic and science dance seductively with emotion and faith, all swirling in their patterns together, intertwining in hypnotic rythmns, only to break violently & inexplicably from each other for no apparent reason. Then, quietly meeting again in the middle of the dance floor, to touch hands & make apologies, while agreeing to disagree.

Where does the dance begin? How does it end? And what is the meaning of that complicated bobble of steps in the middle? These are things I seek, words I reach for.

But first, I must decode my skin, my organs, my brain. I must Translate Me.

And that…might take a minute.

*written in response to the Daily Prompt*

50 Things

​I saw this on another blog, & decided to take a swing at it…

1. What’s the first thing you grab for in the morning?

 My phone, checking email while I pee is good time management, yes?

2. Who is your biggest inspiration in life?

My parents.  They have been through some hairy, tragic, tough shit in their lives, yet next year they will have been married 50 years, & they’re just really down-to-earth, caring, compassionate, truly kind folks who take in strays & will invite strangers to Thanksgiving if they find out they have no one else to celebrate with.

3. What do you think people notice most about you?

They probably see the humor first, because that’s how I keep my defenses safe. If I have you laughing, you won’t hurt me, right?

4. Who do you hope people notice most about you?

My humor, duh, I don’t want to get hurt. 

5. What is your biggest weakness/fatal flaw?

Probably that I’m suuuper independent & refuse to ask for help with my personal problems.

6. What is your biggest strength?

Probably that I’m suuuper independent, & can MacGyver a fix for most anything.

7. What to you is the perfect, most ideal age to be?

27. Don’t ask why, just believe me.


8. High school. Awesome or terrible?

Fucking awful


9. Cats or dogs?

Any and all, except reptiles. You name it, I’ve probably had one as a pet at some point (well, no exotics, so leave off the platypus and fennec fox)


10. Adjective that best describes you when you’re drunk?

Goofy…and usually way too fucking honest

11. Why do you love your best friend so much?

He knows who I am, warts & all, & loves me. Plus, he’s my partner in crime when I want to hit up Denny’s and mess with the wait staff by speaking the whole time with British accents.

12. Where do you want to go more than any other place in the world?
Canouan Island. For reasons.

13. Beaches or snow?
Beaches, or forests. Why aren’t forests an option here?

14. What is your absolute, number one, biggest pet peeve?
RUDENESS

15. What is one personality trait you simply have no time for?
Entitlement.  Get over yourself. We all end up wormfood eventually.

16. Zodiac, MBTI, or Birth Order? Which is the one you lean towards?
Hmm…I’ve used them all in describing & in figuring out people. I can’t choose, I’m such a Gemini, Youngest Child, INFJ.

17. Do you believe in something after death?
Yes. But that’s all you get unless you ask me straight out.  I would say that we’re all going to hell in a handbasket, but I’m Pagan, & don’t believe in handbaskets.

18. How does someone instantaneously get on your good side?
Make me laugh with something intelligent AND funny.

19. How about your bad side?
Interrupt me mid-sentence. End of discussion.

20. How do you hope you’re described by people when you’re not around?
I would hope they say I’m funny, or kind, or smart, or good with duct tape.
21. What is your least favorite attribute about yourself?
My weight, but I’m working on that.

22. Is it okay to sleep with socks on?
Depends on what you’ve put the socks on.

23. Coffee or tea?
Flavored water. What is WITH these limited choices, I ask?

24. How many dates until you feel like it’s okay to have sex with someone?
Depends on the someone, & depends on my mood, honestly. Creepers, stalkers & fuckboys get an instant boot to the Auto Zone…the auto-reject zone.

25. What is your love language?
Braille. Let your fingers do the talking. On my neck & shoulders. For at least 5 minutes. Maybe with some warm oil or nice eucalyptus lotion.

26. Do you or do you not believe in ghosts?
Yep

27. What’s your vice?
Well, it’s a little red c-clamp just the right size for crafting & holding shit still. Do I need to get Google or Webster’s Dictionary in on this discussion? Why are you so curious about my crafting tools? Sicko.

28. Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram?
Fb, mostly. But I dabble on IG. Twitter I haven’t twitted in years. And even Fb has taken a dive for me. 

29. Favorite artist?

Shawn Coss right now. Wicked stuff.

https://www.facebook.com/ShawnCossArtrocities/
30. Odd numbers or even numbers?
42. 42 is always the answer.

31. Do you believe in organizing or life or letting things just happen?
I like to organize, mostly. But relaxing & just going with something can be a nice change, once in a while. I’m not 27 anymore, I like a little foreknowledge so I can pack my purse or pockets appropriately. Never know when you’ll need emergency gum or a roll of dental floss, yes, I have both.

32. Are you more right brained or left brained?
I’m fully brained, it’s just not always fully functional. Like, when I’m conscious.

33. Which do you prefer, logic or creativity?
Both. Again…fully brained. You need to have both. Geez.

34. Do you think opposites truly attract?
Well, the magnets all say it works. I’m just listening to the magnets.

35. What is your Hogwarts house?
I’d probably be a Ravenclaw. I ask weird questions, too. and give even weirder answers. 

36. Ask for permission or ask for forgiveness?
Neither. Are you a grownup or a malcontent? I say, do what feels right for you, as long as no one gets hurt, & it doesn’t break any laws.

37. Do you think chemistry is instant or grows with time?
I think chemistry is a class in school. I don’t want any of that shit I used to see in the beakers growing anywhere around me, thanks. I know what happens to people around growing chemistry. Radiation poisoning and burnt eyebrows. That’s what happens in chemistry.

38. Do you trust someone until proven otherwise or do you think trust has to be earned no matter who with?

Anymore? Trust has to be fucking earned with iron-clad sincerity. If you say something -MEAN. IT.

39. Are there situations in which you think lying is okay and understandable?

I have a horrible time with lies. I can’t tell them well, & hate having them said to me. Let’s just go with truth.

40. Comfortable silences or non-stop conversation?
Silence can be very good. Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver. Both get the job done. and honestly? Too much (meaningless small talk) conversation makes me want to shove red hot knitting needles in my ears.

41. Do you believe in fate or do you think we’re in complete control over our circumstances?
Little of both, actually. 

42. Love or money?
LOVE. ALWAYS. Money just pays the bills. Love makes it worth living.

43. Impulsive or methodical?
Again, why pigeonhole me? I can definitely be both. Hello…Gemini!

44. Are you pro-technology/constantly connected or do you think digital detoxes are super necessary?
Yes.

45. Do you think it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?
It’s better to have loved and kept, but that doesn’t seem to work for me. They always leave.

46. Do you question things even if it will bother someone or do you try to not rock the boat?
I hate confrontation, but sometimes you have to get out of the damn boat & go looking for the shore.

47. TV shows or Movies?
A little of both, depending on whether I feel like turning on the TV at all.

48. Books or Magazines?
Books. Always.

49. Which is more preferable — being nice or being fair?
Being fairly nice and nicely fair. But no one gets to win ALL the time.

50. Describe what would bring you the ultimate happiness in life
Finding him – the one I can Love for the rest of my life, who will love me back. But I’m not holding my breath for that, anymore. Like I said before, they leave. Right now, I’m concentrating on finding moderate to medium happiness, & on the really tough days…a chocolate covered potato chip.

Why I Lurk.

My anxiety is so bad tonight, & I should have known better.

Some little time ago, I joined an internet group for introverts. I thought that maybe, if I joined, I’d find some people who truly understand some of the things I go through daily.

Fuck – was I a little too optimistic.

I normally don’t post my own queries in groups…it always seems to erupt into chaos. But, I’d been silent in this group for some time, watching others interact. I “liked” a few memes. I commented once or twice on someone else’s post.  It all seemed to go well.

And I thought that maybe it was time for me to pose a query of my own.

So, I did. I asked my question, which was about me.  It was concerning the effect that anxiety & introversion have on each other for me. I asked if it was possible that my introversion & anxiety seem to feed one another. I stated that I knew almost to the day when my anxiety began to present itself, & that I wondered if that was what caused my introversion to start, or if I had always been an introvert & that the anxiety simply “peeled away” the layers and revealed my introversion.

One woman immediately told me that obviously I wasn’t really an introvert, & that it was all my anxiety causing my issues. 

Yeah, I got defensive. I tried to be polite, I tried to explain myself, but I hate being “diagnosed” based on a 3 or 4 sentence conversation by someone who has no knowledge of my history or circumstances. 

She fired back that obviously I was wrong, she was right, & I had broken 1 of the rules of the group by not being polite.

Fuck that. I was polite. I just didn’t kiss her ass, fall down at her feet, & tell her that obviously she was the Goddess of Right, & I was a lowly Minion of Wrong.

And, she had me booted from the group. 

Exit, stage right.

Shit like this is why I lurk.

I fucking hate confrontations. It makes my heart race, my stomach queasy, & my skin gets hot, I’m nauseated, angry, & anxious.

I can’t stand people who judge others, especially after only just a few words. It reminds me of the presumption that those radio “psychiatrists” could diagnose someone’s problem over the radio after just a few words, & actually help them fix their lives. 

I’m so done trying to join groups. I’m better off on my own, blindly grasping around in the darkness, looking for my own answers.  

Just like my love life, I’m better off not even bothering trying to connect – less chance of being hurt.

Walls up, barbed wire back in place.

Lurk Mode activated.

It’s Not That Difficult to Let Go

Not anymore.

After all the times I’ve been left behind, it’s not that hard to walk away.

After all the times I’ve been lied to, it’s not hard to ignore the words.

I’m not quite sure when it happened; maybe when the promises were broken, over, and over, and over. 

Maybe when the excuses piled up so high, I couldn’t see over them to the truth, anymore.

Maybe it was when I realized that, no matter what I said, or did, they were all going to walk out and never come back.

Maybe…it was when I realized I was losing a part of myself every time one of them walked out. 

Maybe it was the self-blame I poured on myself, thinking that there must be something wrong with me, for them to all treat me as though I didn’t matter. As though my feelings were completely disposable.

Or the self-doubt that haunted me, when I was ghosted, and couldn’t get any answers to my questions as to why.

Maybe, it was when I realized that, if I kept going the way I had been…I was going to lose myself permanently.

So, I had to change a few things.

One of those things?

I can let go, now.

I can walk away, and it won’t hurt, this time.

Because I know it’ll never be what I truly need, what I’m really looking for.

You don’t love me, you never did.

You never will.

So, when the time comes…

I will let you go.

And not look back.

Starting From Zero

This time of year, I usually start to look inward, burrowing back into my turtle shell, & going even more introverted than normal.

(Yes, it’s possible, even with someone as non-social as me)

I’ve been exploring & studying more about the INFJ personality type, which is what I’m told I am.

And I’m learning that, I’m not “wrong”. I’m not “antisocial”. And I’m not something to be fixed.

I am fine the way I am. I like my space. I like being quiet, taking in my surroundings, listening to others more, when in a group setting, than in being talkative & social.

It’s not wrong that I don’t enjoy large crowds.

It’s not broken that I have a definite need to spend time alone to recharge after forcing myself to socialize.

It’s not sad, or tragic, or depressing that I have a small group of friends who I’m very close to, instead of a large contingent of “friendly acquaintances”.

There’s nothing broken, here, and I wish I could make certain people understand that. There’s no reason to try to change my personality or behaviors. Just because they don’t match what some think would be “better” for me.

The only person who knows what’s truly right for me is me.

But, these people who keep saying “You just need to get out there more”, & “Just be more friendly, smile more, be more of a morning person, you’ll feel better”.

No. I won’t.

That’s them, projecting what they want onto me.

That’s not me.

And I’m done placating them.

Be true to yourself. Whoever that is.

As long as your words & actions aren’t harming anyone else, then it’s not wrong.

This time of year, for me, is rather like starting from Zero. The year resets on Oct. 31, which is Pagan New Year, and I’m a clean slate. 

I feel as though my emotional batteries are bottomed out, which makes me want to “turtle up” even more. I need to recharge, reset my boundaries, my goals, my baselines.

So, having others tell me that they think there are things “wrong” with how I live my life…really twists the knife, right now.

I’m not having it.

I’m not broken.

I don’t need fixing, or changing.

And I won’t apologize for being who I am, anymore.

Love is…

Love is not the bonfire, blazing wildly, beckoning you to dance ’round it, colors constantly changing & flaring, entrancing you with it’s fiery passion to consume…

Love is the candle, sitting quietly in the window, lighting the way home when you are lost in the storm; illuminating your way when all is dark, flickering occasionally, but continuing to burn anyway.

Love is not the snitched chocolate chip cookie straight out of the oven, when it’s supposed to be saved for after dinner, forbidden and hidden, sweeter because of the risk of being caught.

Love is water, sustaining you when there’s no other nourishment; falling from the sky like a gift from the Gods; making everything grow, flower & fruit.

Love is not jumping out of a plane, daring to risk life & limb for the rush of adrenaline; making your eyes water as the air whistles in your ears & the ground rushes up to meet you, exhilarating though it may be, you might lose everything, including your life.

Love is falling into your lover’s arms, knowing that they’re going to be there to catch you, to hold you up when you cannot stand on your own; that they will walk beside you when you are ready to move forward; and that you will feel safe encircled within them, no matter what chaos surrounds you; and that they will raise in excitement to cheer you on when success is within reach.

Love is not the first flush of passion, the thrill of the chase, or the nervous excitement of that first, smiling glance.

Love is being there, working together, compromising in disagreements, sharing joy, laughter, tears, sorrow, drama, comedy, & contentment.

It is the quiet look from across the room that says “I see you, within and without, all the way to your soul, and I want to share my life with you.”

It is the pride in your lover’s eyes when your dreams reach fruition, knowing that they were there to support, encourage & help you reach your goals.

It is a steady hand when you stumble, helping you to stand again.

And the firm “no” when you make mistakes.

It is wanting you to be happy, even if that happy moment doesn’t include them.

And it is letting you do and be all of that for them, as well.

That’s what love is.

I have my standards, and I will not settle for less.

Life is Short

Life is too short to be mean, or cowardly.

If you care about someone, even a little, treat them with kindness and consideration, because even if they’re acting in a way you don’t understand, you don’t know the back story unless you ask.

If you care about someone a lot, you need to tell them. You never know when this moment will be the last time you get to say those words to them.

If you love someone, show them, for fuck’s sake. Prove it. Don’t just assume they know, because they might not.

And if you don’t get the same reciprocated….

Let them go.

Because if you truly meant something to them in return…they need to prove it, too.

And you deserve better.

So do I.