My anxiety is so bad tonight, & I should have known better.
Some little time ago, I joined an internet group for introverts. I thought that maybe, if I joined, I’d find some people who truly understand some of the things I go through daily.
Fuck – was I a little too optimistic.
I normally don’t post my own queries in groups…it always seems to erupt into chaos. But, I’d been silent in this group for some time, watching others interact. I “liked” a few memes. I commented once or twice on someone else’s post. It all seemed to go well.
And I thought that maybe it was time for me to pose a query of my own.
So, I did. I asked my question, which was about me. It was concerning the effect that anxiety & introversion have on each other for me. I asked if it was possible that my introversion & anxiety seem to feed one another. I stated that I knew almost to the day when my anxiety began to present itself, & that I wondered if that was what caused my introversion to start, or if I had always been an introvert & that the anxiety simply “peeled away” the layers and revealed my introversion.
One woman immediately told me that obviously I wasn’t really an introvert, & that it was all my anxiety causing my issues.
Yeah, I got defensive. I tried to be polite, I tried to explain myself, but I hate being “diagnosed” based on a 3 or 4 sentence conversation by someone who has no knowledge of my history or circumstances.
She fired back that obviously I was wrong, she was right, & I had broken 1 of the rules of the group by not being polite.
Fuck that. I was polite. I just didn’t kiss her ass, fall down at her feet, & tell her that obviously she was the Goddess of Right, & I was a lowly Minion of Wrong.
And, she had me booted from the group.
Exit, stage right.
Shit like this is why I lurk.
I fucking hate confrontations. It makes my heart race, my stomach queasy, & my skin gets hot, I’m nauseated, angry, & anxious.
I can’t stand people who judge others, especially after only just a few words. It reminds me of the presumption that those radio “psychiatrists” could diagnose someone’s problem over the radio after just a few words, & actually help them fix their lives.
I’m so done trying to join groups. I’m better off on my own, blindly grasping around in the darkness, looking for my own answers.
Just like my love life, I’m better off not even bothering trying to connect – less chance of being hurt.
Walls up, barbed wire back in place.
Lurk Mode activated.