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I’m tired of walking the broken roads
Alone.
The pitted pavement beneath my feet
Stretching out, with no end
Me reaching out and
You, not reaching
Back
The road runs both ways
You know
You say “Life’s just so busy”
Which means I’m not a part
Of yours.
So
I’m done with those
Broken roads.
Those overgrown paths leading to
Weed-choked thickets
You won’t miss me
Because you never did
So, I’ll pave my own road
And be met by those headed my way.
I’ve been absent from the blog for a while. I haven’t even been keeping up with reading the other blogs I follow.
I want to write, but my depression has been so bad for so long, that I haven’t had the emotional strength or motivation to even attempt it. And my fiction ideas have dried up.
So, I want to try something.
For those of you that read my blog, is there something that you’d like to see more of?
If there’s one of my fictions you’d like to see continued, let me know which one.
If you’d like poetry, tell me that, & I’ll work on it.
If you’d like more of my personal history stories, shout out, & I’ll see about continuing that thread.
Or if you’d like me to write more about my struggles with anxiety & depression, ask, and ye shall receive.
I just feel like I need a push in some direction.
It’s not coming from my internal furnace, so maybe I need to seek it outside myself.
So…I’m asking for help, which for me, is a big thing.
Any and all ideas & requests are welcome, but may not all be followed, depending on my comfort level.
Thank you.
You know I love you, right?
The way I smile whenever you look at me
The way you can make me laugh
Even when I don’t feel like it
Especially when I don’t feel like it
The way you understand things about me
Most people don’t
You know I love you, right?
The way I shiver when you
Touch me
And my hands shake sometimes
When I reach out to touch back
How you always ask
If I’m ok
Even when I’m not
Especially when I’m not
And want to try to make it better
You know I love you, right?
Even though I can’t speak the words
Won’t admit it out loud
Not even to myself
Knowing there’s no way you’ll say them back
I’ll see that look on your face
The one that says
Good-bye
Again
And everything ends
So I stay quiet.
But
You know I love you
Right?
My head turns
Darkness falls
Unexpectedly, like a hammer
I collapse inward
Imploding
Over, and over, and over
Repeatedly trying to claw my way out
Only to fall back again
Unable to gain purchase
Fingernails torn to the quick
Mud, and blood
Smeared in my hair
On my face
Metaphorically speaking
Pale
Drawn
Insomniac
I receive no joy from food
Or speech
Or drink
Or touch
Smell
I try to sing, only to stop halfway through
Trailing off into silence
Where did it go?
I wonder…
I turn my head
Chasing daylight
There is a beautiful, tragic agony
In Truth
A barren landscape
Full of grinding sunlight
Seeing everything laid bare
In the searing, illuminating glare
It slices deep, flaying you, rending you, driving sand and salt
Into the wounds
Tearing the blinders, those rosy-hued lenses, from your eyes
And still…
Infinitely preferable to the soft comfort of the lie.
Flay me
Rend me
Leave my eyes bare
I’d rather the agony of truth
Over the warmth of the lie
Because that warmth?
Is you – laying yourself down in the bullshit they spread for you.
The warmth fades, but the stench clings.
Flay me
Rend me
Leave me bare
And I’ll heal
In the full sunlight of Truth.
I wear my scars in words
Draped casually over my wrists like bracelets
Lashed fiercely around my waist
Slashed along my lips
Dripping from every pore of my soul
I wear my heart in my eyes
So I keep them down, most of the time
Look away, or be burned
Or drowned
Or saved
Bathed in blue, they’ll tell you the truth
Never lie
But I don’t wear my love at all
I fling it, give it away, pass it to the Chosen like candy,
Like a child bringing you dandelions in summer
Gathered so Excitedly — FREE FLOWERS?!?
YES!
Sweaty, heaping handfuls of love passed over, watching your face for acceptance…
Appreciation…
Approbation..
Affection….
Reciprocation…
I wear my scars with words.
And lay them before you in humility.
9/21/17
Chester.
I wanted to write about this last night, but couldn’t. It was raw, & I’m not sure if I could’ve even written a coherent sentence without breaking down.
I still feel like an open wound.
As though a friend died.
And I know, some might not understand, they might say…”But you didn’t know him, he was just another celebrity, blah, blah, blah…”
Not to me.
Chester has never been just another celebrity, or just a singer to me.
Linkin Park has never been just a band, and their music has never been just anything to me.
Pts. Of Authority was the first video, the first song of theirs I ever heard or saw, on MTV, back when they actually still played real videos.
I immediately fell in love with their style & their heart. Mike’s ability to rap his anger, his frustration & his Alpha status, Chester’s cracked-glass screams and his plaintive cry to the audience to hear his heart and his pain…they understood what was inside my head at any given moment. As though they were snooping through my daily emotions, and my nighttime dreams & nightmares, they seemed so in tune, so in synch with exactly how I felt.
Hybrid Theory, Meteora, The Hunting Party, all these CDs have given me outlets for my emotions in one way or another.
Their music has gotten me through some of the darkest, most awful, deepest depressions of my life.
2007 saw Minutes to Midnight come out…and in 2009, my best friend/soul sister passed away. Her nickname? Midnite. She passed, literally…minutes…before midnight… And Linkin Park was there for me with Leave Out All The Rest. (which to this day, I still have difficulty listening to without losing my shit)
Their album, A Thousand Suns, released in 2010, was the music that got me through my divorce in 2011. I listened nonstop to that CD, playing it over and over…screaming and crying through the lyrics.
Living Things came out the year after, in 2012, and helped me work through the pain of starting over, post-divorce. It helped me work through being, once again, a single mom, trying to make my own way in the worlds of parenting, dating, and handling emotional baggage.
And… This year’s One More Light…breaks my heart…and mends it…and breaks it again…over and over.
The song, Heavy, so exactly describes what it’s like having anxiety, it makes me wonder, again, whether the guys have set up cameras inside my head.
Good Goodbye… Is just brilliant. Both song & video. Although, I’m not sure if I’ll be able to watch any of the videos for a while that have Chester in them. Not without breaking down.
But…Sharp Edges…wins. Hands down, my favorite song on the album. I love them all, I really do. But that one – for some reason, just grabbed me by the heart & won’t let go.
Just like Linkin Park did all those years ago with Pts. Of Authority.
Just like Chester did with his cracked-glass pain-filled cry.
Just like Mike did with his Alpha rapping and his smooth synchronous singing.
I never got to see them in concert.
It might sound selfish, but to me, it tears a hole in my heart every time I think about that fact. I will never see them all together in concert. And the tears start again.
I hope the band does decide to stay together. I do. Someday…I hope to be able to see them in concert, even if it’s with someone else singing the other lead. But I know that’s not the top concern on the guys’ minds right now.
My heart goes out to them, and to Chester’s family. Their pain is immeasurable right now, I’m sure.
As a fan who loved his music, and as someone who feels as though she’s lost a friend… I leave you with this:
Songbird on my window,
Please sing a song for me
As I sit here crying
I’ll join the harmony
Songbird the end is nearing
I hear it, I am not wrong
You’ve flown, my eyes are tearing,
Songbird, please…
Just one last song….
And the light streamed in the window
As I lay, curled on the floor
Broken, just like the day before
Left behind, always left…wanting more…
And the light streamed in the window
Dust dancing in the air
Landing softly in my hair
Building up, slowly, everywhere
And the light streamed in the window
Softer now than before
Angled more towards the door
Knocking louder, the policemen swore
Flashing lights streamed in the window
Before it’s too late,
Say the words.
While they’re still near you
While they can still hear you
While they still want to
Say the words.
Before they walk away
Before the end of the day
Before it’s all over
Say the words.
You don’t know how much time you have
How much time they’ll give you
How much longer they’ll care at all
Before the fall
Say the words.
Don’t let fear rule you
Don’t let time fool you
It’s not forever
If you never
Say the words.
After dealing with a migraine today, it’s time for me to pass on some of the love.
Cue the old poetry…
Mirror Image
You sit there
Talking to me
But I don’t hear what
You’re saying
I’m looking
In your eyes
Seeing my own pain
Reflected there
You’re telling me
Something about
How you never promised me
A rose garden
I never
Asked for one
All I wanted
Was that you
Be honest
With me
Tell me what
You feel
I’ll understand
I
Won’t break
I promise.
*funny how present life seems to imitate the past, ain’t it?*
One Tear for Me
Just cry one tear for me
Then I’ll be on my way
Please tell me that you loved me
At least you did one day
It matters to me now
What you have to say
Even if it won’t
When I am old and gray
I could have loved you deeply
But you just walked away
Before I had a chance
To say what I had to say
So just cry one tear for me
My love
Then I’ll be on my way.
-4/8/87
*damnedest thing, how these still sound so familiar*
Mannequins
Here I stand
At the window
Looking in.
My hands pressed against
The glass
My breath making fog
On its surface.
Let me in, I say
I tap on the glass
But they don’t see
Or hear
Their backs are turned
And then, so is mine
I turn and see her
Standing there
With her hands pressed
Against the glass
As mine had been
I know that I
Am no longer alone.
We back away from the window
“They’re only mannequins”
She says
I noticed that too
We walk away together
Knowing that they are only
Window dressing
While we have the whole world
To ourselves.
-4/14/89
*this was for my best friend, who showed me how much bigger the world was, when all I saw was a small town*
*and here’s the last one I plan to publish here, as this has reminded me why I haven’t posted these before…*
Think of Me
Every time you see a happy child
Think of me
When you see something free and wild
Think of me
When you read a story
With a happy end
Or get a letter from
Your best friend
See my smiling face
Happy for you
Think of me.
When you’re lost and alone
And you want to go home
Think of me
If you’re sad or you’re blue
Know I’m thinking of you
When you see the sun come out…
Think of me.
-1/30/89
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