There’s Nothing Wrong With It

There’s nothing wrong with being “in the dark” for a while.

Even the sun sets every night.

There’s nothing wrong with being “down”, sometimes.

What goes up, must come down.

There’s nothing wrong with experiencing every mood that crosses your day.

It’s a sign that you’re mentally healthy if you are actually feeling things as they happen.

There’s nothing wrong with being in a good mood one moment, and not the next.

Even the ocean has tides it must adhere to.

Life is a cycle, live it as it comes to you.

If it’s dark…maybe you’re meant to learn to use your other senses for a while. Or maybe you’re meant to become the light. Only you will know what that darkness means for you.

When the light returns…

Rejoice in the colors that surround you. Because this cycle, too, shall pass.

EVERY moment is temporary.

Don’t forget this.

Bottled up

I haven’t been sleeping well, some nights I don’t sleep at all. Literally.

As in, I’ve been pulling all-nighters, because I know I won’t be able to sleep.

I just lay in bed and stare at the walls, then get up, read a bit, try again to lay down, fail miserably, feel fucking stupid, and go back to my chair to read some more until it’s time to get ready for work.

No, this does not make for good days. I end up crashing in there, somewhere.

I get sick, like I did this week.

I try to stop the cycle, I’ve tried exercise, I put down the phone so I’m not staring at social media right before bed. I haven’t watched TV in, fuck, weeks.

I don’t drink caffeine, and I’ve stopped smoking. (Except for the odd stress smoke)

It’s my brain.

I’m all wrapped around my stress right now. I’ve got decisions that I’m supposed to be making, and things I’m supposed to be doing, that I’m not doing and my heart is starting to race just thinking about it.

I think I’m putting off the decisions and the things…because either way I end up deciding… someone I care about is going to feel hurt.

And that’s something I can’t stand to do.

Goddess, I know! All of this talk is so fucking vague… I can’t even come right out and just say it.

Everything is so bottled up inside me right now, and I feel as though I’m a chunk of cesium in water.

I haven’t been able to talk to anyone, either. Oh…stupid, surface shit, sure. I talk to the coworkers, but that’s work stuff, my mask is firmly nailed on, there.

But, to talk about scratching that surface? Letting anyone see what’s going on behind door number 1? That’s a big nopesicle.

I know I need to change something. Something’s going to have to give, or my brain will break, and not in a good way. (Is there a good way for that to happen? Like a pinata, would candy fall out? Streamers?)

I just…

Don’t know how to get out of this bottle without cracking the glass.

OT7

So, after the horrendous day today turned out to be, I needed my calming mechanism.

Music.

So I turned to the most logical choice for me, lately.

Yes, BTS.

I must have watched 8 or 9 videos, before I hit one that actually had the English lyrics transcribed on the screen…

And I lost it.

Please…if you do nothing else, go watch “Magic Shop”. It will go a long way towards explaining why I love these boys so much.

When they sing this in concert, the ARMY sings this with them. I’ve seen videos of it, and it’s an ocean of sound. The boys have actually cried on stage because of their fans. They truly do love their ARMY.

But here…let their words speak for themselves…

BTS – MAGIC SHOP (ENGLISH TRANSLATION) LYRICS

I know that you’re hesitating because even if you say the truth
In the end it will all return as scars
I’m not going to say anything blatant like “find strength”
I will let you hear my story, let you hear it

What did I say?
I said you’d win, didn’t I?
I couldn’t believe it (really)
Could I win it?
This miracle that isn’t a miracle
Did we make it?
(No) I was here
You were the one that made your way to me
I do believe your galaxy
I want to listen to your melody
Your stars in the Milky Way
Don’t forget that I found you anyways
At the end of my despair
You’re the last reason
For me who was standing at the edge of the cliff
Live

On days I hate being myself, days I want to disappear forever
Let’s make a door in your heart
Open the door and this place will await
It’s okay to believe, the Magic Shop will comfort you

While drinking a glass of hot tea
And looking up at the Milky Way
You’ll be alright, oh, this here is the Magic Shop

So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
Show you show you

Like a rose when blooming
Like cherry blossoms when being scattered in the wind
Like morning glory when fading
Like that beautiful moment
I always want to be the best
So I was impatient and always restless

Comparing myself with others became my daily life

My greed that was my weapon suffocated me and also became a leash
But looking back on it now, truthfully
I feel like it’s not true that I wanted to be the best
I wanted to become your comfort and move your heart
I want to take away your sadness, and pain

On days where I hate myself for being me, on days where I want to disappear forever
Let’s make a door. It’s in your heart
Open the door and this place will await
Magic Shop

While drinking a glass of hot tea
And looking up at the Milky Way
You’ll be alright, oh, this here is the Magic Shop

So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
Show you show you

Would you believe me if I said that I was scared of everything too?
All the sincerity, the remaining times
All your answers are in this place you found
In your Milky Way, inside your heart

You gave me the best of me
So you’ll give you the best of you
You found me. You knew me
You gave me the best of me
So you’ll give you the best of you
You’ll find it, the galaxy inside you

So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
Show you Show you.

Do you understand how the words could shatter me?

Maybe not.

The next post might explain better…

Or worse.

I don’t know, anymore.

Masochist

I never thought I’d ever get pleasure out of pain, but…there I was.

Time and time again, chasing after men who either didn’t want to get caught, or men who claimed to love me, but constantly broke promises & tore my heart to shreds.

That would be me…always trying to hold onto that which harms.

Or trying to grasp that which simply dissipated through my fingers like smoke. Ghostly in its insubstantiality.

I must be a masochist.

I was constantly putting myself into a position of pain.

Well…no more.

I’m done.

I refuse to subject my emotional health, my heart, my self-esteem, into that position of self-flagellating hatred anymore.

I can’t do this, anymore.

So, I’m just done getting involved.

I am not going to participate in the game.

It hurts.

And, I really don’t like pain all that much.

Sure, I’d love to have someone come into my life who would be kind to me; someone who would be in a relationship with me. Something that had a hope for a future, at least.

But, survey says…that’s not happening.

So, I’m just not going to play the game at all.

It’s not worth it, anymore.

Not when I’m the one who has to pay the price of it in pain.

In the box you go…

The Well is Deep, the Water is Cold

Oh, how I wish I could just plug this thing into my brain, sometimes, & let the words fall out to the screen. Typing them out seems to lose something in the translation.

I really want to go “stream of consciousness”…but I’m afraid I’d end up with the police at my door doing a “wellness check” in the middle of the night because of it.

Yeah, there are dark corners in my cranium that should probably remain unexplored.

And, around me, there sits a deep well of silence that keeps growing deeper and wider. The darkness wraps around me like a lover, only cold. Like the dead.

Fair weathers pop up every now and again, with platitudes & cliches…I smile tightly and nod my head once in acknowledgment of their words. It’s maybe well-meant, but they don’t get it. They have no clue what depression is, or they wouldn’t spit their *insert eye-roll* armchair opinions at me.

So, I retreat again, going back into my silence. Both at work and at home, only speaking when absolutely necessary, or to maintain the facade of reasonable health.

Fuck ’em, it’s none of their damned business.

They don’t really seem to care anyway.

Relagating them back to the “friendly acquaintance” circle.

Which is ok. They don’t have to be my friend. It’s not a requirement. And I don’t hold it against them.

But – there is a loss of privileges with the movement to a further circle.

A loss of trust and friendly intimacy. A definite loss of sharing.

They will be the ones who, when they ask “how are you?” Will get the reply “I’m fine”. End of.

Nothing more than surface.

And then…there’s the anomaly of this blog.

Sometimes I speak so raw & honestly here, my soul bleeds out onto the screen.

Other times, I’m so hitting the delete button time and time again, editing myself for fear of exposure.

And yet…the only one who really gets it, is so far away I’d have to hop a plane to get a hug.

Just to reiterate, for the nervous, I don’t want to die, nor would I ever commit suicide.

But, lately, and for a while now…I just want to lie down, fall asleep, and not wake up.

Maybe that’s why I spend so much time with my face buried in my Kindle, or in my gaming. I want to escape so hard from the reality that is my life, I’ll take the path of least resistance & throw myself down the rabbit hole.

I’m avoiding everything else so hard, I just can’t deal, right now. It hurts, like sandpaper on my skin.

Facing dead-end relationships, knowing there’s no hope, no future. An ex trying to contact me again, harassing me with “anonymous” phone calls & whiny emails. Stress and heartbreak, so I’m closing those doors & compartmentalizing that for some time later down the road. Or maybe never.

I haven’t decided yet.

And thise fair weathers? Those “friendly acquaintances”? I can tell that I’m not their friend, nor do they consider me such.

How?

I receive no phone calls, no texts, no visits – just for shits and giggles.

There are no invitations to anything. Unless it’s the odd birthday get-together at the bar after work, which I do sometimes try to go, but I don’t really drink, anymore, because of my medications, nor do I really enjoy it, anymore. I’m just kind of over the “bar bingo” thing. I certainly don’t get invited to join them when they all go out somewhere for lunch. Who wants to invite the woman who’s allergic to half the menu?

I don’t get included in, or asked to participate in, their little clique conversations.

Oh, I used to try. I’d initiate conversations, try to find things to discuss in common, try to arrange outings other than the bar…

And…it would dwindle as soon as I took my foot off the gas. As soon as I stopped attempting to fire up a friendship, the embers would drop to ash & go cold.

I used to let it get to me. It used to bother me quite a bit, and in fact… No, never fucking mind. You don’t get that reaction anymore.

Now, all I have, really, is apathy.

I just don’t fucking care.

About much of anything.

Except my Beloved Nephew, my kids, & my grandbabies.

And the only one that seems to truly need me, is my Beloved Nephew.

Eldestdaughter has her husband.

Youngerdaughter has her boyfriend.

And OnlySon has his father.

Speaking of… Did you know that a few weeks ago, OnlySon asked me to help him pick out good steaks for him to buy – for his father???

You know, because he just wanted to do something nice for his dad…

So, of course, for OnlySon’s sake, I helped him out.

And the selfish, asshole midget inside my brain whispered “And what about all the nice things I do for you, you ungrateful little wretch? When was the last time you did something nice for me…hmm? Oh…NEVER! THAT’S WHEN!”

Irrational anger, short temper, panic episodes, pounding heart, tight chest, shortness of breath, muscle tension, brain fog, lack of focus, general apathy, insomnia, nightmares, frequent migraines, lack of energy, bursts of severely emotional crying states, self-criticism, bouts of staring into space…at nothing, really, for long periods of time, lack of motivation, procrastination, easy tasks that become insurmountable simply because of the depression, severe anxiety, dread…over everything.

This is what lives inside me.

All. The. Time.

Not just right now.

Always.

Some days are better than others.

Some days are bad.

I’ve been having a lot of bad days.

But, I’m starting to feel fictionally inspired by some music I’ve been listening to.

So, there will be horror coming up.

Fictional horror, that is.

The real horror no one wants to deal with. Obviously, as evinced by my silent life.