I’ve been absent from the blog for a while. I haven’t even been keeping up with reading the other blogs I follow.
I want to write, but my depression has been so bad for so long, that I haven’t had the emotional strength or motivation to even attempt it. And my fiction ideas have dried up.
So, I want to try something.
For those of you that read my blog, is there something that you’d like to see more of?
If there’s one of my fictions you’d like to see continued, let me know which one.
If you’d like poetry, tell me that, & I’ll work on it.
If you’d like more of my personal history stories, shout out, & I’ll see about continuing that thread.
Or if you’d like me to write more about my struggles with anxiety & depression, ask, and ye shall receive.
I just feel like I need a push in some direction.
It’s not coming from my internal furnace, so maybe I need to seek it outside myself.
So…I’m asking for help, which for me, is a big thing.
Any and all ideas & requests are welcome, but may not all be followed, depending on my comfort level.
Autumn has peeked her soft, little face around the corner of the seasons, here in North Dakota, and I’m actually sliding into a better frame of mind.
I. Love. Autumn.
(This picture is from a couple of years ago, the trees aren’t quite this brill yet)
The air is softer than other seasons, as though I could scoop a handful out of the sky, and rub it on my face like downy feathers.
The light seems to be softer, as well. It doesn’t generally have the harsh glare of summer, & is not as early-morning frosty as spring. Obvi, it’s very different from winter. The light seems to sift through the leaves on the trees a little more golden, glittering lightly on water’s surface, ending earlier every day with glowing sunsets.
And the smells that permeate the air in autumn…fallen leaves, smoke from wood-burning fireplaces on chilly nights, or from barbeques being fired up for those last “Honey, I cooked over open flame… Hear me roar!” meals. Fragrant candles being lit in households that remind you of apple cider, freshly-baked cookies, or hot-out-of-the-oven spicy pies.
Oh yeah…I’m falling UP, now.
It’s been almost a year, it’s about damn time.
Bring on the hoodies and knit sweaters. Bring on the fuzzy socks & boots. I’ll pack away the shirts & sandals, good riddance for another year.
I’m SO ready for Autumn!
So, I’ve been working and pushing myself on trying to claw my way out of my depression that I’ve been in since last October.
Yes, since October.
Normally, the winter months are notoriously bad for me, dark and cold. Long nights, and very little sunlight, which is an awful combination for someone with depression.
But – I can usually start to pull myself out of it once Spring starts.
When the sun starts to return, and things start to “green up”, when things start blooming again, normally, so do I.
Not this year.
Here we are, already in the middle of July, and I’m still struggling to see the point.
You know? The point in getting up in the morning. The point in doing the things. The point in breathing.
I keep doing it, just in case I catch it, one of these days.
But I don’t feel it.
This week, I decided it was time to pull my head out of my ass and start doing some of the real work around here.
I’ve been having a difficult time keeping up on the yardwork this year, between depression, arthritis, and my lawnmower not working the way it used to ( battery-operated, the battery is not charging like it used to, & those suckers are kinda spendy), I’ve fallen behind.
Basically, my yard looked like an overgrown, abandoned lot.
I broke down & bought a small battery-powered weed trimmer, because that’s what my arthritis can handle. It only runs for about a half hour, but that works.
My hedge trimmer? Well, I have to do what I can, in small chunks. I’m still working on it. This is difficult for me to do, as I hate leaving a job unfinished, and tend to push myself until the job is fucking done. Never mind if the body is broken at the end, which it would be.
My back yard…is a work in progress.
That’s all I’m going to say.
It’s all I can say.
And after yesterday, which was spent doing indoor work, cleaning house with OnlySon…
Today is a self-care day.
It has to be.
Yeah, I pushed too hard- I won’t deny it. Yeah, I’m feeling a little broken today.
So I’m taking today off.
Doesn’t mean I’m not still thinking about all the shit I still have left to do.
The brain keeps going.
I’ve been depressed for a long time.
I HAVE depression. It doesn’t just go away magickally, by itself.
Add my Generalized Anxiety Disorder into the mix, and it’s really a hot mess on the bad days.
And, I get it, it’s uncomfortable.
It’s difficult to talk about, especially when you don’t understand it, when you’ve never been through it yourself.
It’s not just being sad.
It’s not just being down today, because you have [insert legitimate reason here – breakup, funeral, bad grade, bad hair, flat tire] going on.
It’s not just a random feeling, one day, of anxiousness, or panic, because you have something big coming up.
This is ALL DAY. EVERY DAY. For weeks, months…..years…
I get it.
It’s hard to be around someone who has trouble enjoying life.
It’s hard being around someone who doesn’t socialize much, or at all, really.
It’s hard to be around someone who is always down on herself, uses self-deprecating jokes as a shield, and who is usually too tired to do all the really fun stuff.
It’s hard to be around someone who is quiet, most of the time, because she’s living so much in her own head. Mainly because that’s where she socializes. Because everyone else has already left to find the “interesting” people.
It’s hard to be around someone who wants to go home early, because she’s been watching everyone else enjoying themselves, out with their dates/spouses/S.O.’s, and is now on the verge of an internal meltdown, but doesn’t want anyone else to know – so she smiles tightly, says “Nope! Just tired/ gotta go home & feed the cats / do the laundry /” whatever reason gets her out quickest.
So you just stop asking her to go places.
You stop inviting her anywhere.
Because it’s uncomfortable.
I get it.
Even though, when you’re the one that’s having problems, I’m always there. Willing to lend a confidential ear, a shoulder, a tissue.
But that’s ok. I don’t keep score.
Because I know what pain feels like, I don’t want anyone else to have to experience it.
Because I know the crush of depression, I don’t want anyone else to have to live under it.
Because I know the constant dread of anxiety, I don’t want anyone else to have to fear it.
Just – stop dis-counting me.
I’m not invisible.
And my feelings get hurt too. No matter what I might say in the moment.
Last weekend, OnlySon & I were arguing about addictions & video games, but something I said to him has stuck.
“Gaming addictions, drug addiction, alcoholism, Depression, Anxiety, Bipolar Disorder, Schizophrenia, you name it, they’re ALL chemical imbalances that cause physical and mental problems.
JUST LIKE DIABETES.
No one blames a diabetic for BEING diabetic.
Why do people blame someone with Depression for being Depressed??
I take my medications, but they don’t work perfectly. They don’t magically stop me from being depressed, or anxious.
They do stop me from being tense all the time, grinding my teeth in my sleep, oh – and they’ve stopped me from killing myself.
It’s the little things.
We, as a society, need to STOP dis-counting mental illnesses, and the people who have them.
They need to be seen as just as valid as diabetes, hypertension, etc. They are all medical conditions. They should all be treated as such.
Stop treating me as less than.
And maybe, just maybe, I’d stop seeing myself that way.
So many things come down to that One. Little. Word.
My daughters, my parents, & my Schnicklefritz grandson all want me to move to Washington to be closer to ElderDaughter & her family (Schnicklefritz especially, he pouts). I don’t want to miss being there for my grands growing up. I want to be the Gramma they come running to after school, the woman they brag about to their friends who’s just that cool.
BelovedNephew wants me to move to Georgia to be closer to him. He is my best friend, and soulmate. He understands things about me no one else has ever. I miss him so fully, it tears at something inside when I think about how far apart we are.
OnlySon doesn’t want me to change anything. He wants me to live in the house I’m in, keep the job I have, be here, because he’s here. He doesn’t want to miss me. He hates change, and I don’t blame him. Change is uncomfortable and scary.
I know I have to make a decision.
I know I have to make a choice.
But, I can’t make myself.
Because, you see…
Any choice I make…ends with someone I love being hurt.
And that’s one thing I can’t stand to do.
I’ve hurt people in the past, I know I have, sometimes knowingly, but usually out of ignorance, and unconsciously.
How do I make a choice here without hurting someone? I can’t. It’s just not possible.
And then, I hear the voices of my loved ones in my head saying…
“Just do what’s best for you…”
Yeah…but what’s best for me is to NOT FREAKING HURT OTHERS.
Because of what I used to be in the past, because of who I used to be, I made a LOT of changes in my life.
Oh, Goddess, I’ve fucked up so many things in my past, but there’s nothing I can do about that, anymore. There’s no going back, there’s no atonement, there’s no fixing, for so many of those things.
And, I’ve paid. Oh, yeah…I’ve paid in spades, for a lot of it. I beat the hell out of myself (can’t you tell?) for my past, regularly. *shrug* And I do try to make up for being an asshole back then, by being very much not an asshole now.
I think, too, subconsciously, part of me thinks I deserve to be alone now, because of everything I did in the past.
Penance, you know?
Like maybe there’s some kind of invisible-to-me sign that hangs around my neck that says “unworthy“, that men can see, so they stay away.
But, I digress.
I know I need a change.
I know I have to make a choice.
I can’t stay, because things here…just hurt…anymore. The ones that have left their knives behind in my back, wow, they were sharp, and left scars that just don’t fade. The ones that used only words…seemed to scar worse. And the ones that smiled, that seemed to want the same things, then disappeared… everything just hurts, you know?
Is it any wonder I don’t sleep or eat much these days?