I swear, someone needs to patent the shit that comes out of my brain.
And by someone, I mean me, of course.
Because then I’d be a gazillionaire.
I went to see my rheumatologist today about my hands.
I’ve had osteoarthritis for a couple of years, now, and have seen a couple of specialists. Last year, I got shots in not only my thumbs, but also in a couple of fingers. (The ones you don’t want to randomly show off to people, because they might get offended if you don’t explain, first, why you’re flipping them off)
Needless to say, the shots don’t last forever; osteoarthritis is a degenerative disease that causes the cartilage between the bones to decay, allowing the bones to rub on each other. Causing pain, sometimes lots and lots of pain, and some swelling. Although, with my osteo, the swelling isn’t so bad, the aching & pain is.
Most days, my hands feel as though they’re just meat bags full of busted glass.
And over the last couple of months, I’ve developed a problem with my grip, especially in the mornings.
Osteo sucks. It really, really does.
ON TO THE BRILLIANCE!
I went to the Dr., and he gave me a shot in each thumb again. ….and it hurts. As the afternoon wore on, it hurt worse, aching all the way up to my elbow by the time I got home, driving me to tears.
BUT, I came up with a BRILLIANT, SCIENTIFIC answer to the problem!
Ok, so my first idea…if they can make fake boobs – just make them smaller, & put them in where the cartilage is supposed to go…isn’t so brilliant. I can just imagine – the implants get put in, and a short while later – – POP! yeah… Not going to work.
BUT! My piece de resistance…
Everything is being 3-d printed these days, so why not cartilage replacements?!?
They can 3-d print a whole hand! All I need is the little cartilage bits between the joints! C’mon! Waaay less work for the printer, right?!?
They can make prosthetics with a 3-d printer, but not cartilage??? What’s wrong with this picture??
They can 3-d print Nano-fucking-particles! And yet they’re not curing arthritis?!?
I’ve cured arthritis, here, folks.
Where’s my damn Nobel Peace Prize??
I’ve finally, truly, given up on ever having faith in men.
I just don’t believe that they’ll ever do what they say they will, anymore.
I don’t have any fucks to give when it comes to romance, either.
I’m so done with giving chances to men who shit on me, take me for granted, walk all over me & treat me as though I were nothing more than a convenience drive-through for them.
It’s been a long time coming, this attitude, and a slow death by attrition, but after everything – I’m just. Fucking. Done.
I don’t want anymore promises, no more “please, just one more chance”s… No more winky faces, no more flirtatious texts or DMs on Instagram. No more “trying just one last time” on dating sites, because Goddess knows – THAT is the LAST fucking thing I need. No more damn messages asking me about my “likes and dislikes”.
Fuuuuuuuck… I’m so tired of all the bullshit, only to end up alone again at the end of it all, because it really was all just a game to the other person.
I’m too damn old for this shit.
I’m too old for these men who “claim” they “love me” (ha) and yet they can’t ever seem to make their way to my damn door. Oh, but they can text every day, and want to talk on the phone, sure, cause that’s easy.
But, actually showing up?
Naw, that’s hard.
I don’t have time to read your texts anymore, and I’m not answering the phone when you call.
You want to tell me you looove me?
Fucking prove it, bitch.
Til then, I’m out.
I got no fucks to give.
I used to take “No” lessons from one of my coworkers years ago.
Back when I was still married to Ex-husband #2, and working for a different company, one of my coworkers used to tell me often that I needed to learn how to say “NO” and mean it.
This was usually in reference to something my ex wanted to spend money on that we really didn’t need, and I was being coerced into going along with it. He would manipulate me with guilt, and I would cave, because it was easier to just go along and get along than deal with the pouting and temper tantrum when he didn’t get his way.
The “NO” lessons didn’t work very well back then.
Of course, the guilt had had years of training by then, as my Mom and Grandma were the Queens of Guilt, wielding it like fierce bullwhips crackling in the air whenever us kids would step outside of their imagined “acceptable” boundaries.
It’s damn hard to say No when you’ve been trained most of your life that you don’t have the right to that word…
And yet, here I am again, trying to learn how to do just that.
I’ve done it, successfully, a few times over the years. Sometimes even in big ways, that have benefitted me greatly.
And yet, there are times, recently, when I still feel guilty about setting personal boundaries and saying No.
I have a personal fb account.
It’s very private, and I have very few people in it. Less than 20, actually. A handful of family members (some blood, some Chosen), some friends from the blogging world that I never get to see in person, a couple of friends who live out of state, who, again, I don’t get to see in person, & a couple of friends from here in town.
But, these are all people who I am actually CLOSE to, in one way or another. We share a connection, we talk, we text, we vent, we laugh, we mourn, we gripe & share war stories together – the friends here in town? Occasionally we get together & actually GEOGRAPHICALLY hang out with one another. We go to dinner, or grab drinks, or walk in the park, or get coffee/tea. We do things together.
So, when I received a “friend” request the other day from someone who I’m not close with, but just a friendly acquaintance…
Ahh…there’s that guilt again.
There was a blow-up a few years ago at work over my fb account. Because I’d deleted a bunch of people from my page who I wasn’t actually really friends with, but just friendly, and when they wanted to play around on my page…they couldn’t get on it anymore, because I’d deleted them.
It got brought into the office, of all the inappropriate places, and made a big stink about, so I blocked pretty much everyone, & said I’d deleted my page altogether.
Problem solved ~Poof.
Now it’s rearing its ugly head again.
I’m done explaining.
My personal page is private.
I don’t see what the big deal is, anyway.
It’s not like any of the juicy shit gets put there, anyway.
All the raw, personal ME is RIGHT HERE.
Stop being butthurt about not being able to snoop on my social media page where I post memes about Paganism and GOT, FFS.
If you’re reading this, you know more about me than those who only see fb.
And if you want to know what’s going on in my life, but haven’t seen it here? Maybe you should FUCKING ASK ME INSTEAD OF TALKING BEHIND MY BACK.
Sunday I spent the day doing yard work.
It was about time, as I’d let things pile up, weeds were starting to seed out, the hedges were towering WAY over my head, and my lawn was finally starting to green up & grow, since we’d gotten a little bit of rain.
So, I plugged my ear buds in, pulled on my garden gloves, & got to work.
After mowing the front lawn, & a little of the back (my battery-powered mower’s battery gave out), I plugged the battery into the charger, hoisted my hedge trimmer, & decided to tackle the beast-mode hedges, starting from the back end near OnlySon’s bedroom.
Well…until the hornets decided they didn’t want me messing with their nest.
Drop the hedge trimmer in my tracks & hightail it to the house, making sure the damned hell beasts don’t follow me inside, I raced for the bathroom to ice down my wounded self with cold water.
I’ve never run so fast in my ever-lovin’ life as I did after that first sting!
Holy Mother of Gods!
Luckily, the little winged bastard only nailed me through my glove, on my knuckle, so he really didn’t get me all that bad, but Holy Cheezits, it stung like a muther.
Yeah, I stayed inside the house for a while, laugh it up, Chuckles. I watched that front screen door like the NSA, waiting for those little pricks to stop swarming my porch, knowing they were there, mocking me, jeering & marking my front door with their angry little pheromones.
After getting a drink of water, & wiping the fear-stink off…
I went back outside to retrieve my property.
My hedge trimmer lay there in the grass like a lost orphan…
So I gingerly tiptoed over & gently pucked that poor baby up & cradled it in my arms.
Went to the other end of the hedge & started hacking.
Of course, I only got halfway down the hedge before I started seeing the hazardous, little, yellow bouncers dancing gleefully in the leaves again.
To the backyard.
Plenty of trimming to do back there, too.
And, as I’m happily zipping along, cutting through the Queen Anne bush next to OnlySon’s bedroom window…
I sliced halfway through my old extension cord, that someone had tossed into the bush.
*many, many bad words inserted here as the outlet goes dead*
Ok…Lucky for me, I’m a well grounded kind of gal.
And, I have a backup extension cord that reaches around to the driveway outlet, which allows me to finish up, not only trimming the wayward bushes in the backyard, but use my electric chainsaw to get through a piece of the neighbor’s hedge that has made its way through my fence & is too big for the hedge trimmer.
And what do I find while trimming?
A rogue plum tree… With plums hanging from it.
We used to have a plum tree, but it died years ago, & we cut it down, to the ground. This…has to be from one of the plums that fell off at some point, or got dropped by one of the kids, or some other weird coincidence.
Anyway… I have a plum tree? I guess?
Oh yeah, Sunday bitch-slapped me, hard.
But, like the badass mofo that I am, I bounced back & kept right on diggin’ til I’d had my fill.
And that was right about the time I went in the house & realized that by cutting that extension cord, I’d blown a fuse in the house, cutting power to the kitchen, the living room, and the hallway…
I saw this on another blog, & decided to take a swing at it…
1. What’s the first thing you grab for in the morning?
My phone, checking email while I pee is good time management, yes?
2. Who is your biggest inspiration in life?
My parents. They have been through some hairy, tragic, tough shit in their lives, yet next year they will have been married 50 years, & they’re just really down-to-earth, caring, compassionate, truly kind folks who take in strays & will invite strangers to Thanksgiving if they find out they have no one else to celebrate with.
3. What do you think people notice most about you?
They probably see the humor first, because that’s how I keep my defenses safe. If I have you laughing, you won’t hurt me, right?
4. Who do you hope people notice most about you?
My humor, duh, I don’t want to get hurt.
5. What is your biggest weakness/fatal flaw?
Probably that I’m suuuper independent & refuse to ask for help with my personal problems.
6. What is your biggest strength?
Probably that I’m suuuper independent, & can MacGyver a fix for most anything.
7. What to you is the perfect, most ideal age to be?
27. Don’t ask why, just believe me.
8. High school. Awesome or terrible?
9. Cats or dogs?
Any and all, except reptiles. You name it, I’ve probably had one as a pet at some point (well, no exotics, so leave off the platypus and fennec fox)
10. Adjective that best describes you when you’re drunk?
Goofy…and usually way too fucking honest
11. Why do you love your best friend so much?
He knows who I am, warts & all, & loves me. Plus, he’s my partner in crime when I want to hit up Denny’s and mess with the wait staff by speaking the whole time with British accents.
12. Where do you want to go more than any other place in the world?
Canouan Island. For reasons.
13. Beaches or snow?
Beaches, or forests. Why aren’t forests an option here?
14. What is your absolute, number one, biggest pet peeve?
15. What is one personality trait you simply have no time for?
Entitlement. Get over yourself. We all end up wormfood eventually.
16. Zodiac, MBTI, or Birth Order? Which is the one you lean towards?
Hmm…I’ve used them all in describing & in figuring out people. I can’t choose, I’m such a Gemini, Youngest Child, INFJ.
17. Do you believe in something after death?
Yes. But that’s all you get unless you ask me straight out. I would say that we’re all going to hell in a handbasket, but I’m Pagan, & don’t believe in handbaskets.
18. How does someone instantaneously get on your good side?
Make me laugh with something intelligent AND funny.
19. How about your bad side?
Interrupt me mid-sentence. End of discussion.
20. How do you hope you’re described by people when you’re not around?
I would hope they say I’m funny, or kind, or smart, or good with duct tape.
21. What is your least favorite attribute about yourself?
My weight, but I’m working on that.
22. Is it okay to sleep with socks on?
Depends on what you’ve put the socks on.
23. Coffee or tea?
Flavored water. What is WITH these limited choices, I ask?
24. How many dates until you feel like it’s okay to have sex with someone?
Depends on the someone, & depends on my mood, honestly. Creepers, stalkers & fuckboys get an instant boot to the Auto Zone…the auto-reject zone.
25. What is your love language?
Braille. Let your fingers do the talking. On my neck & shoulders. For at least 5 minutes. Maybe with some warm oil or nice eucalyptus lotion.
26. Do you or do you not believe in ghosts?
27. What’s your vice?
Well, it’s a little red c-clamp just the right size for crafting & holding shit still. Do I need to get Google or Webster’s Dictionary in on this discussion? Why are you so curious about my crafting tools? Sicko.
28. Twitter, Facebook, or Instagram?
Fb, mostly. But I dabble on IG. Twitter I haven’t twitted in years. And even Fb has taken a dive for me.
29. Favorite artist?
Shawn Coss right now. Wicked stuff.
30. Odd numbers or even numbers?
42. 42 is always the answer.
31. Do you believe in organizing or life or letting things just happen?
I like to organize, mostly. But relaxing & just going with something can be a nice change, once in a while. I’m not 27 anymore, I like a little foreknowledge so I can pack my purse or pockets appropriately. Never know when you’ll need emergency gum or a roll of dental floss, yes, I have both.
32. Are you more right brained or left brained?
I’m fully brained, it’s just not always fully functional. Like, when I’m conscious.
33. Which do you prefer, logic or creativity?
Both. Again…fully brained. You need to have both. Geez.
34. Do you think opposites truly attract?
Well, the magnets all say it works. I’m just listening to the magnets.
35. What is your Hogwarts house?
I’d probably be a Ravenclaw. I ask weird questions, too. and give even weirder answers.
36. Ask for permission or ask for forgiveness?
Neither. Are you a grownup or a malcontent? I say, do what feels right for you, as long as no one gets hurt, & it doesn’t break any laws.
37. Do you think chemistry is instant or grows with time?
I think chemistry is a class in school. I don’t want any of that shit I used to see in the beakers growing anywhere around me, thanks. I know what happens to people around growing chemistry. Radiation poisoning and burnt eyebrows. That’s what happens in chemistry.
38. Do you trust someone until proven otherwise or do you think trust has to be earned no matter who with?
Anymore? Trust has to be fucking earned with iron-clad sincerity. If you say something -MEAN. IT.
39. Are there situations in which you think lying is okay and understandable?
I have a horrible time with lies. I can’t tell them well, & hate having them said to me. Let’s just go with truth.
40. Comfortable silences or non-stop conversation?
Silence can be very good. Silence is golden. Duct tape is silver. Both get the job done. and honestly? Too much (meaningless small talk) conversation makes me want to shove red hot knitting needles in my ears.
41. Do you believe in fate or do you think we’re in complete control over our circumstances?
Little of both, actually.
42. Love or money?
LOVE. ALWAYS. Money just pays the bills. Love makes it worth living.
43. Impulsive or methodical?
Again, why pigeonhole me? I can definitely be both. Hello…Gemini!
44. Are you pro-technology/constantly connected or do you think digital detoxes are super necessary?
45. Do you think it’s better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all?
It’s better to have loved and kept, but that doesn’t seem to work for me. They always leave.
46. Do you question things even if it will bother someone or do you try to not rock the boat?
I hate confrontation, but sometimes you have to get out of the damn boat & go looking for the shore.
47. TV shows or Movies?
A little of both, depending on whether I feel like turning on the TV at all.
48. Books or Magazines?
49. Which is more preferable — being nice or being fair?
Being fairly nice and nicely fair. But no one gets to win ALL the time.
50. Describe what would bring you the ultimate happiness in life
Finding him – the one I can Love for the rest of my life, who will love me back. But I’m not holding my breath for that, anymore. Like I said before, they leave. Right now, I’m concentrating on finding moderate to medium happiness, & on the really tough days…a chocolate covered potato chip.
The full moon is right around the corner.
Know how I know?
Stuff keeps going missing.
Little things, like my fingernail clipper, and my ear buds for my phone, a small ziploc baggie of hematite rings, & a stretchy headband I wear when I work out.
Now, I know I’ll find these things sooner or later, tucked under a chair, or peeking out from under one of the blankets on my bed, or maybe when I move the couch to mop this weekend.
And how do I know this?
Take a close look…
Those are teeth marks on that emery board.
Every month, right around the full moon, this happens.
Yes, Sally Jane. You. Don’t try to pawn me off with that “Who me?” look.