Guilty? Pleasure

Weekends are usually quiet for me, anymore. I don’t go out, unless it’s to Hellmart for groceries, & I don’t spend a lot of time on the phone. 

Well, not talking to others, anyway.

I did spend a lot of time with my phone this weekend…reading.

I’ve become quite addicted to my Kindle app.

*Gasp! Horror! Blasphemy!*

No, seriously.

I feel as though I’ve let my book-loving nerdy side down by reading books on my phone.

But I can’t stop. 

I think I burned up my battery 10 times this weekend, tearing through a whole series of digital books.

Yes, I still love read honest-to-goddess real paper books. 

But, I’m now paying for Kindle Unlimited….

And I’m not ashamed.

Well… Not really.

(For you, Youngerdaughter)

Vintage Poetry #2

After dealing with a migraine today, it’s time for me to pass on some of the love.

Cue the old poetry…

Mirror Image 

You sit there

Talking to me

But I don’t hear what

You’re saying

I’m looking 

In your eyes

Seeing my own pain

Reflected there

You’re telling me

Something about

How you never promised me

A rose garden

I never

Asked for one

All I wanted

Was that you

Be honest

With me

Tell me what

You feel

I’ll understand

I

Won’t break

I promise.

*funny how present life seems to imitate the past, ain’t it?*

One Tear for Me

Just cry one tear for me

Then I’ll be on my way

Please tell me that you loved me

At least you did one day

It matters to me now

What you have to say

Even if it won’t

When I am old and gray

I could have loved you deeply

But you just walked away

Before I had a chance

To say what I had to say

So just cry one tear for me

My love

Then I’ll be on my way.

-4/8/87

*damnedest thing, how these still sound so familiar*

Mannequins

Here I stand

At the window

Looking in.

My hands pressed against

The glass

My breath making fog

On its surface.

Let me in, I say

I tap on the glass

But they don’t see

Or hear

Their backs are turned

And then, so is mine

I turn and see her

Standing there

With her hands pressed

Against the glass

As mine had been

I know that I

Am no longer alone.

We back away from the window

“They’re only mannequins”

She says

I noticed that too

We walk away together

Knowing that they are only

Window dressing

While we have the whole world

To ourselves.

-4/14/89

*this was for my best friend, who showed me how much bigger the world was, when all I saw was a small town*

*and here’s the last one I plan to publish here, as this has reminded me why I haven’t posted these before…*

Think of Me

Every time you see a happy child

Think of me

When you see something free and wild

Think of me

When you read a story

With a happy end

Or get a letter from

Your best friend

See my smiling face

Happy for you

Think of me.

When you’re lost and alone

And you want to go home

Think of me

If you’re sad or you’re blue

Know I’m thinking of you

When you see the sun come out…

Think of me.

-1/30/89

Fini

Vintage Poetry #1

*Oh.my.god.  I’d forgotten how sappy & simple some of my old poetry was… Oy.

Ok, here goes…*

You & Me

Your eyes touch mine

And I smile

Your hand holds mine

And I’m warm

Your arm encircles me

And I’m safe

There’s no way I can

Come to harm

You smile 

And my heart skips a beat

You laugh

And my world is complete

I wake

To find it’s but a dream.

(12-15-87)

*I was still in high school…so sue me. I was emo before it was a thing.*

Little Roses

Little roses

Pale and pink

Overflowing

In the sink

Clip and snip

Trim and prune

It’s time for them

To die, too soon

Buds not opening

Never showing

The rare, rich beauty

Of the rose inside

Their cries of pain

Go unheard

On display

Like small, caged birds

Cry, little roses

Tears of pink

To overflow

And fill the sink.

(12-16-87)

*yeah…I’m not posting some of these…they’re decidedly too…wow, was I a sap as a kid, or what? I can tell a lot of them were written to try to gain approval from others, & never should’ve seen the light of paper…I’ll be burning some of them later in effigy

And the last emo thing for the night…(posting this one with my eyes closed, I think)*

Tear Song

Sing a song of suicide

A pocket full of lies

Four and twenty sorrows

Form in my eyes

When my song is over

They begin to sing

Wasn’t that a funny way

To go and meet the King?

(1-8-88)

*See? Emo as all get-out. Did you sing along after catching the tune it was written to?

Geez.

Maybe this little parade down memory lane wasn’t the grandest idea… Or, maybe it was, as a way to get me to finally get rid of some of this paper trash!  We’ll see how far down the rabbit hole I go with this, or if I give it up as a badly spent penny…*

Vintage Poetry

I’m going to start sharing some of my old poetry here that I’ve kept over the years in various notebooks.

Some of it’s crap.

Some of it’s obvious & laughable.

Some of it is poignant & descriptive of whatever I was living through at the time.

It was all heartfelt when it was written, but not all of it was headfelt – in other words, all emotion no cognition.

Whether you like it or hate it, laugh or ponder, ignore or read diligently, I feel the time is right to share this.

After all these years, it’s now considered Vintage, and as such is immune to time’s lack of empathy.

Enjoy, or not, it matters little. I simply want to put it out there. 

Thanks for playing, we have some lovely parting gifts for you at the door…

Reliving 2016

I am so very tired today, as though the whole weight of the year has descended upon my body in this one day.  I’ve slept so long today, only waking at 3pm, & I can still feel the heaviness dragging at me…

But, I feel the need to write, to tally the happenings of this year, and so, I come here to lay down all I can remember. This will be a fragmented account, not linear, but more likely, a simple recounting of the things I recall best.

* I bought a different vehicle. My Mitsubishi gave up on me, with too many problems I couldn’t get fixed without spending way too much money, I simply couldn’t justify keeping it any longer. I sold it to someone who was able to do much of the work himself, thereby saving himself from having to spend all that money I would’ve had to on labor.  Instead, I bought a little pickup from my dad. It is a good vehicle, if smaller & lower clearance than I’m used to, but it does the job admirably. 

* I took some horse back riding “lessons”. More just “sessions”, really, as I grew up with horses & rode most of my young life. They were fun until it got really cold, & as much as I miss riding, I’m pretty much done with the sessions, even though we’re supposed to have a couple makeups, due to bad weather, I don’t think I want to do them anymore.  I got what I wanted from it.

* My EldestDaughter is pregnant with my second grandchild, and is due in Feb. She & the grandson moved out of my home in April, moving to Washington state with her boyfriend. They are good for each other, & I hope they continue to build their family in the new year with all the humor, love, & compassion possible. Even though I miss them horribly, this is a good move for her, & I send them all good things for this upcoming year.

*OnlySon turned 18 this year, & is set to graduate in May. He’s started really enjoying his autonomy, making choices for himself & deciding on what his next steps will be toward independence. I worry for him, as independence is not something he likes, relying on his father, who was always a helicopter parent, to pick up where he leaves off & make decisions. My hope for him this year is that he truly learns the value of being his own man, working hard for what he wants, & goes after it.

* Youngerdaughter is the opposite – she is completely independent, living on her own, & working a job she really enjoys. She is straightforward, goal-oriented, & determined to do her best in every situation. I am so proud to be her mom, & I marvel at her all the time. I truly enjoy our talks on the phone ( “Oh, one more thing I have to tell you”, after we’ve been talking for an hour), and the few times we’re able to get together to visit. 

*I’m thinking of shutting down my Etsy shop. I’ve had a handful of sales since I opened, & it is just a hobby shop for me, but the legalities & business side of things are beginning to wear on me. I don’t know if I really want it anymore. We’ll see what 2017 presents. 

*My love life continues to elude. I’ve heard from many that if I stop looking, it’ll find me, but I don’t think so. In order for love to find you, you have to be visible, & I am not. I don’t “go out”, I don’t mingle, I hate crowds & shopping in public. How is love going to find me at home, curled up in my chair with a book?

Ludicrous.

And, anyway, the men I’ve met always have some reason they’re unattainable, anyway. 

1. Geographic issues. We’ve talked for 3 1/2 years, & he still hasn’t come to see me as he’s promised, & the country he’s in is impossible for me to visit, due to many reasons. He proclaims love loudly & often, but has broken every promise he’s made. Anyone who knows me, knows that if you don’t keep your word with me, I will stop trusting anything you say…and then it’s pretty much over. I don’t want to give up on this possibility, but there doesn’t seem to be any reason to continue. I’ve given 3 1/2 years of my life…how much more time does he think he has to prove himself? 

Maybe this is my fault…I should’ve stopped it all years ago & not taken him back after the first argument. Why didn’t I? Because the heart is blind, deaf & stubborn. And, maybe, because having him in the background keeps me from getting hurt by anyone else. There’s always the excuse of “Oh, sorry, I can’t get to know you or date you because I’m seeing someone who’s out of the country”. *sigh* 

Me and my love of impossible relationships… 

2. Vulnerability issues. I understand not wanting to be hurt again after bad experiences…I do. Been there, done that, still wearing the tread marks. BUT, if you never trust, you never get the benefits of real love. If growing older alone holds no problem for you, *shrug* I guess I can’t say anything to change that, but I don’t want that life for myself. I still wonder, sometimes, if he ever thinks about me & regrets his decision. I dreamt about him not long ago, & have had a terrible urge to email him. I haven’t done so, but the feeling is still there. 

3. Commitment issues.  Twice burned, forever shy, I guess. Been there, too, with 2 failed marriages under my belt, I know what it’s like. But, I don’t want to give up on the possibility of love.  I won’t let myself love someone who isn’t willing to commit. We can be friends, but that’s all I’ll ever give. He’ll never know what could’ve been, after throwing it away. And someday, even the friendship will fade until it is gone altogether. That’s just how it works. 

*I want to travel. I want to see my nephew in Georgia. He is my best friend, and I miss him something chronic. He wants me to move down South after my son graduates, & I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about it. 

* My job is going well. After one of the other ladies moved away, I was tasked with assuming many of her duties, & it keeps me busier than ever. I had a good evaluation this year, & I’m proud of the work I’ve done. I still like what I do, but I could do without the bullying that happens occasionally. No job is perfect, however, so I just take the lumps with the sweet, & keep going.

*I’ve been working on improving my house, when I can, and as I can afford it. It’s slow, as money isn’t overly abundant, but progress is being made, & that’s the important part. One day, I will sell it and move on to elsewhere. Where to and when this will happen? I don’t know yet…but, my feet itch, & I am tired of snow.

*I’ve been spending a lot more time learning about Introversion and how it relates to me. After taking that personality test a few months ago, & learning I fit the INFJ type, I’ve discovered so many true statements about who I am & where I want to go next. This journey doesn’t stop here, it simply opens different doors.

*Oh, yeah…almost forgot. I’ve been published in someone else’s book again.

In 2011, I wrote a post about Dr. Bohdan Hordinsky, a man I knew when I was younger. A couple of years ago, someone who used to live in my hometown contacted me, asking if he could use some of it in a book he was writing about his own life. I said “Sure, just give me credit for whatever you use”, & mostly forgot about it.

This year, he contacted me again, to tell me the book had been published, & is now available in places like Barnes & Noble, on Amazon, & like places. He also sent me a copy of the book, with a handwritten note.

He used the whole post, copying it word for word, & gave me total credit for it, even including me in the acknowledgments. It’s pretty cool, having been published 3 times now, twice for writing, once for photography, but always in others’ books. My nephew insists that I should write my own book, but I don’t know if I have the patience or the business acumen for it. It’s a lot of work, & I write for pleasure. Would it still be pleasurable if I took that route? I’m not so sure.

Well, there you have it…a little time encapsulated. I wonder…if I plant these seeds, what kind of garden would come up next spring? Would I get lovely flowers, or thorny & noxious weeds?

Maybe I should just put them in the ground and find out…

Lovely Bloggers

Guess what?

VP over at Viper Pit Memoirs gave me an award! Wow! Thank you so much, it truly does mean a lot to me. Dear readers, if you’ve ever struggled with family, head over to the Viper Pit Memoirs. She writes about her own survival, & the difficulties of dealing with genetically-related bipeds who can’t seem to human.

I’ve received awards before, but it’s been a looong time, and I’d actually kind of forgotten I’d posted them on the side of the front page, because most of the blogging comes to you live from my phone, while I’m sitting in my easy chair, or on my front porch.

So, Ok, there are some rules, of course, to receiving awards, and here they are for this one:

Umm, facts… Oy vey… After blogging for over 6 years now, and quite in-depth, sometimes, I’m going to have to really dig for these!

1. I recently (within the last year) discovered that I love Bollywood movies. The music, the singing & dancing, a lot of up-beat stories, even if they have drama & sadness, they find a way to inject humor into almost everything. And, I’m slightly obsessed with Hrithik Roshan now… After all, who wouldn’t be? Look…

C’mon… Admit it. You just picked your jaw up and wiped the drool off. (Wanna see more? Check out “Bang Bang!” On Netflix. Just do it. It’s worth the subtitles. The man can dance -ohmahgawd can he dance.

2. I’ve been thinking about writing a book of flash fiction/short stories. Nothing super ambitious, mind you, because I know how flooded the market is with all the digital printing. I kind of just want to see if I could pull it off & actually finish the project. I’m good at starts, not so much at ends.

3. I like baking, but I don’t really like cooking all that much. I’d rather slap together an easy meal, & save my time in the kitchen for all the sweet stuff.  Not that I need it…danggit. Texas chocolate cake, soft Nestle’ Tollhouse cookies (the secret’s in how much flour!), snickerdoodles, pumpkin pie, chocolate pudding cake, these are my specialties, but I can bake just about anything.

4. I really miss having horses & being able to ride whenever I want. I grew up with them, & some of my favorite memories are with horses. 

I was really good at gaining the trust of horses who didn’t like anyone. I miss it. A lot.

5. I speed read books. No, really. I actually took a test, and I can read at 1,500/wpm and retain meaning. That’s a lot of words. Plus side? It really helps me at my job, which requires fast reading & typing. Drawbacks? Books don’t last me very long on the first read. Every book I own, I’ve read at least 3 times…some as many as a dozen times or more. There’s only 1 book I own that I haven’t read cover to cover, & that’s the one I had a photograph published in.

The book

The photograph.

(It’s a college-level architecture book, and I’m just not that into architecture)

6. I get “word vomit” when I get nervous. Which gets me into embarrassing situations. I really need to carry a roll of duct tape in my purse for these moments, & just slap some on when I feel it coming on. Seriously.
So many times.

7. My Etsy shop might not have a lot of sales under its belt, but it doesn’t matter to me. I make my crafts because they bring me happiness. And I focus totally on them while I’m doing it. It shuts my million-miles-a-minute, anxiety-ridden brain down for a little while, and the peace is totally worth the sticky hands & paint permanently stuck to my t-shirts.

Now, for the nominees…*drum roll*

(In no particular order)

The Other Side of Counting to Ten, make sure to read all the “Shoe” posts! I guarantee, they’re not what you’d think at first glance!

life vivified a relative newcomer to the blogging world, but heartfelt & funny.

*Sparrow’s Ramblings – a personal friend in real life, a great woman with scads of sarcastic & witty humor.

*la vie en rose – never afraid to tell the truth as she sees it, will smack you up side the head with sensibility

*Depression is the Enemy – working issues with positive energy, and helpful information about thriving while living with mental illnesses.

*How Many Masks – A survivor who understands about the safety of emotional masks, & how we can be healthier by taking them off sometimes.

There are so many more blogs I love visiting, but many I also know don’t “do awards”, or would prefer to not receive them for their own reasons. However, if you glance at the right side of my blog’s page from a laptop, you’ll see my blog roll there – a good list of some of the places I enjoy lurking. Check them out!

*caveat* this post took me quite a bit of  time to write… I never realized how long it takes to gather all the necessary links by using your phone to play hopscotch all over the internet! 

Now, back to your regularly scheduled programming!