OT7

So, after the horrendous day today turned out to be, I needed my calming mechanism.

Music.

So I turned to the most logical choice for me, lately.

Yes, BTS.

I must have watched 8 or 9 videos, before I hit one that actually had the English lyrics transcribed on the screen…

And I lost it.

Please…if you do nothing else, go watch “Magic Shop”. It will go a long way towards explaining why I love these boys so much.

When they sing this in concert, the ARMY sings this with them. I’ve seen videos of it, and it’s an ocean of sound. The boys have actually cried on stage because of their fans. They truly do love their ARMY.

But here…let their words speak for themselves…

BTS – MAGIC SHOP (ENGLISH TRANSLATION) LYRICS

I know that you’re hesitating because even if you say the truth
In the end it will all return as scars
I’m not going to say anything blatant like “find strength”
I will let you hear my story, let you hear it

What did I say?
I said you’d win, didn’t I?
I couldn’t believe it (really)
Could I win it?
This miracle that isn’t a miracle
Did we make it?
(No) I was here
You were the one that made your way to me
I do believe your galaxy
I want to listen to your melody
Your stars in the Milky Way
Don’t forget that I found you anyways
At the end of my despair
You’re the last reason
For me who was standing at the edge of the cliff
Live

On days I hate being myself, days I want to disappear forever
Let’s make a door in your heart
Open the door and this place will await
It’s okay to believe, the Magic Shop will comfort you

While drinking a glass of hot tea
And looking up at the Milky Way
You’ll be alright, oh, this here is the Magic Shop

So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
Show you show you

Like a rose when blooming
Like cherry blossoms when being scattered in the wind
Like morning glory when fading
Like that beautiful moment
I always want to be the best
So I was impatient and always restless

Comparing myself with others became my daily life

My greed that was my weapon suffocated me and also became a leash
But looking back on it now, truthfully
I feel like it’s not true that I wanted to be the best
I wanted to become your comfort and move your heart
I want to take away your sadness, and pain

On days where I hate myself for being me, on days where I want to disappear forever
Let’s make a door. It’s in your heart
Open the door and this place will await
Magic Shop

While drinking a glass of hot tea
And looking up at the Milky Way
You’ll be alright, oh, this here is the Magic Shop

So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
Show you show you

Would you believe me if I said that I was scared of everything too?
All the sincerity, the remaining times
All your answers are in this place you found
In your Milky Way, inside your heart

You gave me the best of me
So you’ll give you the best of you
You found me. You knew me
You gave me the best of me
So you’ll give you the best of you
You’ll find it, the galaxy inside you

So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
So show me (I’ll show you)
Show you Show you.

Do you understand how the words could shatter me?

Maybe not.

The next post might explain better…

Or worse.

I don’t know, anymore.

Advertisements

Fringe

First off… There will be no pity.

This is simply me, telling about something I’ve figured out about myself. I don’t want any sad looks, or “sympathetic statements”.

It is what it is, and that’s what it is.

To start, I started listening to a new type of music, for me, about 3 months ago. K-pop.

I know, odd choice for a 48-yr. old woman, raised on hard rock & heavy metal, right?

Anyway… I’d been watching videos on You-Tube, and found this song called “Pop Stars” by K/DA, created for the game League of Legends. If you haven’t heard of it, which you probably haven’t, it’s an animated video, and it’s amazing.

I loved it instantly.

I started looking for more K-pop (Korean Pop) to listen/watch, which led me to Blackpink, a girl group, who are also kickass.

And they led me to…

BTS.

Yes, BTS.

A boy group, comprised of 7 members, who – yes, again, sing mostly in Korean.

BTS (Bangtan Sonyeondan – which means “Bulletproof Boyscouts” in Korean)

I don’t even care.

I fell into the gravity well that surrounds this group. Wholeheartedly.

Why?

Because these boys are a family, even though they aren’t blood.

And they treat their fans like family.

And the fans, known as ARMY (Adorable Representatives MC for Youth) treat each OTHER and BTS like family.

At least, the ones that I’ve met so far, which have been quite a few, have all been respectful, welcoming, kind, and warm.

Which has been really, really nice to experience, for a change.

You see…

I live my life on the fringes of everyone else’s lives, anymore. Always on the outside, looking in.

And, I understand.

I always kind of hung back, growing up, too. I was always “someone’s friend”, or someone’s daughter, sister, cousin, girlfriend, or whatever. I’d walk into a group, slightly behind and to the side of whomever I came in with…I never walked in somewhere on my own. I needed to belong with someone else.

And then, I grew up & became “someone’s mom”, and then “someone’s wife”. Later dropping the “wife” part.

And now…

My children have their own lives. They must go live them, and NOT be immediately tied to me. This is a good thing. They have their wings, they have to fly. This is life.

My parents and I are not immediately tied together, either. This is a good thing. I’m not super dependent on them for things, and they aren’t at a stage in their lives where they need me to step in, either. I’m glad they are still young enough, vital, strong, independent, people who don’t need a caregiver. There may come a day when that happens, but that day is not now.

And, I don’t have a significant other. This is obvious. No need to rehash this.

My best friend, my Beloved Nephew, lives in Georgia, while I live in North Dakota.

He has his family there, his dad, brother, extended relatives, etc. Yes, he is still my best friend, but we are no longer enmeshed in each other’s daily lives like we once were, due to geography.

I’m on the fringes of all of these relationships.

Hanging by the threads of phone calls, text messages, short weekend visits maybe once or twice a year.

And, I can’t deny that it hurts, sometimes, dangling from those delicate strings.

Hmm..so, what, you say, does BTS and the ARMY have to do with any of this?

Well…

I figured out WHY I fell so eagerly and completely into their orbit.

Because with them, I don’t have to be fringe.

I’m just another member of the extended family.

They let me right in and gave me a hug and told me to sit down and get comfortable.

And it felt good.

I’ve missed that feeling.

I haven’t had that in a long time.

And, I think that’s the saddest thing of all.

That it took strangers to make me feel better.

(Please don’t feel bad Beloved Nephew! This is me, not you!)

This is just where I am, where I’ve been…for months, now.

On the fringes.

Of everything.

Hanging.

But the music helps.

And so do the boys, just by being who they are. The message they send out has to be listened to carefully in order to really be heard.

It’s difficult to explain, I learned it in small steps, as I watched many, many videos. Not just the music videos, but other ones, too, about the guys, ones that they put out themselves, and ones that fans put out about them.

The fans are super loyal. No joke.

And yes, I’m one of them now, all kidding aside. I don’t care what anyone says.

I really don’t.

Because I purple BTS. 💜

And if you want to know what that means??

Google it. I dare you.