There are days when I fear.
I think about the fact that I’m soon going to be 47, and that I’m in the upper-middle portion of my life. I’ve had a hysterectomy, so, no more children, which is both a sadness and a blessing. There will be no more warm little bundles combining my DNA with someone else’s. But, then, there will also never be anymore sleepless nights of feedings, diapers & the stresses of teenage years. I’ve come to accept this, & I am not only Ok with it, I’m happy that part of my life has passed me by.
But, there are also negatives that have come with the maturation process.
I have osteoarthritis, mainly in my hands and wrists, & over the last few months, it has come to be a large focus for me.
My hands play such a vital role in my life, and I fear what this change will bring to me.
My job consists of working with computers and files. I type…all day long. The arthritis has restricted me in many ways, making my job a lot more difficult. I have trouble handling heavy files, as they put a lot of pressure on my inflamed finger joints, and the medicines I take for it don’t completely mitigate that pain. Typing all day puts stresses on my hands that I never thought would be this complex and painful, but I have learned a lot about my limits & my capabilities, including my tolerances for pain.
And then… There’s my art.
Things like these take a LOT of hand-work. I twist wires with the help of jewelry pliers & locking wrenches, but the bulk of the work is done by MY hands. On days when the barometer fucks with my arthritis, it can go from uncomfortable, shifting to painful & excruciating.
How can I continue to do what I love, when it can cause so much pain?
How can I express my visions, my imagination, my passion, when I can’t manipulate the medium I work through without crippling my tools – my hands?
This is my fear…
That the arthritis will steal my gift.
That it will destroy something I love…my art.
And I will be left without it’s comfort.
Where is the blessing in this change?
…….I continue to search…..